She groaned and waved her arms furiously in the direction of the intruder, hoping maliciously to do a little more than just brush it away. When she at last forced her eyes open, she found a pair of curious penguin eyes gleaming back.
Startled, Fionna sat up and took in her surroundings. The pile of penguins had dispersed sometime in the night, and many were busy scurrying about the cave, carrying on unsupervised as before. She reached a tired arm out, groping around on the floor for her sword.
Ow. Her muscles were stiff and sore. She rolled her shoulder around, rubbing life back into the joint as it burned. She took time to crack her back and neck as well, relieving the pent-up stress and exhaustion of the previous night.
With one final yawn, she pushed herself to her feet and scanned the room. There was a gentle wintry wind blowing through the open window, and a light dusting of snow littered the area around her. A stack of clean clothes lay neatly folded on the ice chair beside her.
Wait. Clothes? Those weren't there before! Fionna scrambled to her feet, ignoring the ache.
"Ice Queen! Where are you, ya butt? Get out here!"
Her words echoed through the cavernous hallway, yielding no response. "I know you're here!" she added.
Still unanswered, she turned back to the clothing stack and cautiously picked up the shirt on top. It was a plain blue long-sleeve much like her own. Very much like it, even. She examined the rest of the clothes. The skirt and stockings and even the underwear were identical to her standard fare. It was almost like the queen had taken these right from Fionna's own closet.
...that was an unsettling notion.
She stared at the garments for a few moments, then shrugged. Why waste it? she thought.
Making one last visual sweep of the room, Fionna gathered up the clothes and took them to the bathroom to change, ignoring the penguin nonsense going on in the bathtub.
The clothes were an eerily perfect fit.
As she emerged, a new sense pervaded her immediate thoughts. Something smelled delicious. Fionna licked her lips as the untamed beast that was her stomach roared to life. She peered around the corner into the kitchen.
A full breakfast suite had been laid out on the counters. Towers of pancakes, a fat bowl of oatmeal, ranks of buttered bagels, still-sizzling eggs and bacon, a hot kettle full of...was that chocolate milk?
As usual, the kitchen was overrun by tiny penguin feet, several of which were absconding with small plates of food. Fionna turned her attention on them briefly.
"...did you guys make all this? Or did Ice Queen?"
She brought herself to eye level with one of the countertop penguins. "Answer me, ya poo-brain. Did your mama make this? Where is she? Where'd she go?"
Unsurprisingly, the penguin responded by putting a flipper to her cheek. "WENK."
"Yeah, that's what I thought. You guys are so dumb." She rose to full height again and slammed her palms on the countertop. "ICE QUEEN, GET YOUR FROSTED FLAKES OUT HERE! I KNOW YOU'RE STILL HERE SOMEWHERE!"
She drew her sword and took a step toward the door. But the seductive aroma of breakfast stirred up the hungry inner beast and redirected her steps back to the bountiful countertop.
As her eyes swept across the breakfast spread once more, she found her hands stacking a plate high with food with a mind of their own. Her hand was already to her mouth with a fork full of pancakes when her brain threw up a red flag, halting it.
"Is this stuff poisoned? It IS, isn't it! Thaf wav her plam, wav'n ip...?"
She stopped talking long enough to chew the rest of the pancakes in her mouth, then swallowed.
"...oh my glob, these are CRAZY AMAZING." She immediately resumed loading up her plate, lost in flavor.
There's no way something this delicious could be poison, she thought as she stuffed her face. She hadn't bothered to think about how hungry she'd been without food all night until now. She was absolutely ravenous. But then she'd never turn away a good meal. She never was sure if she should count her bottomless appetite as a strength or a weakness.
The penguins paid no attention to her as she devoured the breakfast spread. They acted as though they were already completely accustomed to her presence in the cave. This struck Fionna as slightly odd, but it was an unimportant thought that was drowned out by the feeding frenzy.
"Bluh," she mumbled as she leaned back against the counter and stretched, her full stomach ballooning out under her shirt. "I really am a pig, I guess...".
She took a moment to relax, licking her lips occasionally. If Ice Queen did make that food, even Fionna had to admit that she was an exceptional cook. But why would she just leave all this hot food here? Was it specially made for Fionna? The queen had to have seen her sleeping in the middle of the living room floor last night. Would she have made dinner for me if I'd been here earlier? Fionna wondered.
After one final burp, she shuffled to her feet and decided to look around again, now that she could see everything in plain daylight. Time to really see what the old Fridge Witch was hiding...
She rummaged through the kitchen drawers, taking note of all the weapon-like cutlery: knives, prongs and tongs, a vegetable peeler, cheese grater, wooden spoons, measuring cups...hmm, not as full of deadly weaponry as she'd expected.
What about under the sink? she thought, eyeing the cabinet door. Bet there's poisons and potions and other nasty junk down there...
She dug through the bin beneath the sink and tossed aside bottles, brushes, gloves and sponges, only finding the more mundane household poisons like ammonia and bleach. "Where's all the Evil Stuff?" she asked the room at large.
She pushed her way through the penguin traffic back to the living room, scrutinizing and investigating every nook and crevice. Pillows and blankets, pens and paper, a poster of Marshall Lee's band, a hand-carved ice lamp in the corner. A bookshelf filled to bursting lined one wall.
Out of curiosity she ran a finger over the spines of the books, reading aloud, "Fanfic Volume 1 through 3...My Poetry Volume 1 through 4...Exotic (?) Fiction Volume 1 through 12...Fanfic I Found On The Computer Network Volume 1 through 3...".
She chose a book at random from "Exotic Fiction" and cracked it open. "No pictures, huh?" she asked the book. She read a few lines, turned bright red, then dropped the book on the floor and turned away, flustered.
This is just plain weird, she thought. Everything in here is just so...normal. It's like she's not even an evil witch at all. Like she has a normal life. She's got a kitchen full of food, a writing room, a bunch of pets, a shower and a bedroom...
THE BEDROOM. She'd forgotten to check the bedroom last night!
Shoes clacking on the glass-like floors, Fionna burst through the bedroom door with her shoulder, white-knuckling her sword and baring her teeth. As the door was knocked off its hinges and crashed to the floor, she took a wild swing, aiming for the queen's neck.
Or at least, aiming where she'd expected the queen's neck to be, if the queen had indeed been there. The bedroom was uninhabited, but certainly not empty. Wardrobes and dressers and mirrors and chests and a bed filled most of the room, and whatever floor space that remained was dominated by loose clothes, a few trinkets and jewels, and crumpled-up pieces of paper. There was little order in here, not particularly becoming of someone who called herself a queen.
"She's just as messy as I am..." Fionna mused out loud.
She went to sit on the bed and hesitated, brushing the white blanket with her hand. It was cold, and felt soft and fluffy like powdered sugar. It was almost like...snow. Powder snow. A blanket of snow. Har har, Ice Queen...
She dug through the drawers on the nightstand, finding only a toothbrush, a hand mirror, and more drawing utensils. Out of curiosity, she picked up a scrap of paper from the floor and straightened it out.
"I gotta crib fulla penguins and a closet fulla princes, gonna snatch em all and blow ya doors off their hinges. So if ya think ya got the beat and ya wanna tasty treat, why don'tcha come and see me while ya grovel at my feet. Cause I'm the coolest chillest queen that ever did exist, so bounce ya booty over here so it can get kissed...OH GOB, she thinks she can rap now!".
Fionna fell back on the bed, laughing long and hard before tossing the paper back on the floor. She couldn't get the image of Ice Queen surrounded by beatboxing penguins rapping out her plan to capture princes and smooch her nemesis out of her head. Just thinking of it brought on a fit of giggles, and she didn't even care about the smooching part.
At least for a moment, anyway.
Once she regained her composure, she resumed poking around, kicking aside errant dresses and undergarments. She wasn't even sure what she was looking for. Just...some kind of evidence that the queen was up to no good. A blueprint of the Candy Kingdom palace. A "hit list" of attractive princes. A diabolically-glowing love potion. ANYTHING, really.
In a final half-hearted movement, she meandered over to the closet. Shoving aside an array of fancy dresses and corsets (and snickering at a particularly sizeable pair of panties), she stopped when she saw something pink dangling limply from the lips of a chest on the floor. With some effort, she pried the lid open and peered inside.
...oh. Right.
She gently ran the smooth, pink thing through her fingers and pulled it out of the chest. It was a full-size bodysuit that quite strikingly resembled Prince Gumball. A complete second skin, accurate down to the wave of his gooey hair. Ice Queen had used it once before, imitating Gumball to a tee and taking Fionna on a rather romantic date before she'd later found the real Gumball frozen to the ceiling of his bedroom.
She shuddered and looked back down at the crumpled face of the suit. Holding a lifeless mock Gumball in her arms was certainly giving her the creeps. And yet...
She looked left, looked right.
And silently pulled open apart the opening in the front of the costume and stepped inside.
The pants felt unexpectedly roomy. She found there was plenty of slack throughout the suit, despite knowing she had thicker legs and was slightly shorter than the prince. The fit was quite snug, but not tight or restrictive. There must be some kind of space magic spell or something on this, she mused. There's no way Ice Queen should be able to fit her big fat caboose into these pants.
Her eyes took no time to adjust at all. The suit quite literally felt like wearing a second skin, only one that by all accounts should be thinner and taller than her first skin. Once again, Fionna had to hand it to the Ice Queen, this creation was grade A...if creepy. She turned to look at herself in the mirror.
Whoa.
She turned to her left. She turned to her right. She turned 180 degrees and looked back over her shoulder.
Reflected in the mirror was a person who looked exactly like Prince Gumball. Not Fionna in a Gumball suit, it was the prince himself. She raised a leg, made a face, stuck her bottom out, and cycled through some rude gestures with her hands. She was literally embodying the prince. No wonder Ice Queen had been able to fool her before.
Spinning around a few more times, she marvelled at the way the costume changed her appearance so radically. Her tree trunk thighs, her mossy mat of hair, her poochy belly, her pigeon feet, her bubble bags, her rumpus bump...she was a completely different person. A flawless spitting image of someone else.
Oh wait, she thought. Except for one thing.
"My voice," she said, then quickly clapped her hand over her mouth.
She paused before repeating cautiously, "...my voice?"
She even spoke like the prince.
"Um...yes, I'm Prince Gumball. The wimpy princely boy of the extremely manly land of pollywog lollipops and baby brownie booties."
She almost took a moment to congratulate the queen on making something so precise, until she realized what it was she was about to do there.
Instead she admired her (well, Gumball's) body in the mirror a little longer. She began to understand why Ice Queen would make something such as this. Anytime she felt insecure or unloved, she could easily just slip into a different body. Wear someone else's face and hands and legs. Speak in a dulcet tone instead of a reviled one. Attract people instead of repel.
The more she thought about it, the closer she came to a conclusion she'd been hoping to avoid. Her mind kept returning to the scene of Ice Queen's deceptive date. She'd worn this same costume. She'd acted just like Gumball. She'd taken Fionna on a date. And deny as she might, deep down Fionna knew she'd even had fun on that date.
The gears in her mind were whirring rapidly, connecting point A to B. Ice Queen dressed herself up as Gumball just to take ME out on a date...and now she's acting all chummy one minute, all psycho the next. It's totally like...
Oh glob, NO. That can't be what she's doing! It's not possible! That's nasty! That's rank-n-stank! Unacceptable!
She put her hands to her head and walked out of the bedroom, muttering "Not real, not real, not real...I should probably get out of here. She's getting inside my head again."
She walked quickly back through the hallway, through the living room and into the main entrance. It was here that she noticed, reflected in the icy walls, the face of Prince Gumball.
"...oh. Oops."
She'd completely forgotten she was still inside the bodysuit. The suit's fit was so comfortable it didn't even register that she was still inside it. Fionna decided to blame it on the queen being on her mind again.
She hastily walked back to the bedroom and pulled herself free of the suit, stuffing it back in the trunk. As she stepped out of the closet she turned once again to look at herself in the mirror.
"...nuts, I've got a big old balloon belly again."
She gave herself the mirror once-over, despite telling herself she would stop doing this. Cake had repeatedly told her that chubbiness didn't stop her from being an adventurer. She had said, quote, "Fat people are just normal people who haven't been on any adventures lately."
Well, I haven't been having a whole lot of adventures, she thought as she ran a hand over her full stomach. Not lately, anyway. Evil's kept its mouth shut and doesn't want to fight me. I've just been sitting on my butt all day, every day, waiting for evil to show up, but she never does! And then when I go out looking for her, she's not even there!
Where the plop is she, anyway? Doesn't she live here? Doesn't she realize that she's got pets to take care of? She's acting all bizonkers, going on vacations and stalking me and kissing me and then hiding from me and making me breakfast and making me fat and MAKING ME MAD!
In a sudden burst of anger, Fionna swiveled to face the wall and delivered an aggressive kick. She was breathing through clenched teeth now. She pulled her foot from the divot left behind and stormed out of the room, leaving the already broken door on the floor.
A scattered few penguins were hanging around in the hallway. Fionna angrily picked up one, then another, tucking each under an arm. She made sure to stomp with each ice-cracking step, thundering her way through the sea of penguins in the living room. "Outta my way, you pot stickers!"
The mass of Gertrudes were being particularly unhelpful, nearly tripping her with each step. She growled and began carelessly kicking them out of the way, sending them squeaking across the room like chew toys. Her breath began steaming in the air as she continued to plunge through to the drawing room.
Stupid penguins. Why does she keep all these greasy little fish-gobblers anyway? Stupid, stupid stupid!
She eyed the statues lining either wall, glaring in particular at a smiling polar bear. She spun around on her heel and kicked it hard, decapitating it with ease. "Not so smiley NOW, are ya?" She spit on the severed head and continued her storm out of the cave. Her stomping loosed a few icicles from the roof at the cave's mouth, one of which landed with a thump atop her head.
"STUPID ICE!" she shouted. The penguins under her arms began squirming and squawking with uncertainty. "Shut it, you two!"
She trudged out to the edge of the sheer ice cliff below. With not even a speck of restraint, she threw the two penguins into the snow, side-by-side and face-up, then sat on them, one cheek per penguin belly. She dug her mittenless fingers into the snow and shoved off. And the angriest heroine in the land slid down the steep slope of the tallest mountain in the Ice Kingdom on a sled made of penguins.
The landscape whirred by in a blur that would have been almost completely white, if not for the red fog in the corner of Fionna's eyes. She was seething inside, a burning sensation that threatened to burst from her chest if even just one more thing went wrong. The only thoughts buzzing in her brain were those of how she'd failed this mission she'd given herself.
"Freakin BUTT!" she cursed. "BUTT! BUTT! BUTTS! This should have been an easy mission, but NO! I had to sneak out of my house, walk all the way out to the coldest place on the planet, spend hours getting my hands all frozen and bloody climbing up her stupid ice mountains, break in to her frozen animal house, sift through all of her personal biz, kick her precious penguins around, eat all her food, break down her private doors, even rummage through her underwears and she WASN'T EVEN THERE! Oops, that's wrong. She WAS there! While I was just snoozing my life away, she sneaks in behind me and makes a ROYAL BREAKFAST, and slips back out before I even know what's up! How could I sleep through someone sizzling up some bacon, for glob's sake? I'm just the worst, loseriest loser in this stink-butt world! I didn't accomplish ANYTHING! All I've got to show for my troubles are some cruddy new scars and a big fat food baby belly! EAUGH!"
Moments later, she reached the foot of the mountain, where she promptly rose to her feet, gave her makeshift sled a good kick in the tailbones, then huffed her way back through the forest.
Everyone better stay the plops away from me, she said to herself, eyes darting back and forth for forest dwellers. I'm a hot steaming mess right now, and I'm gonna BLOW MY HOLES if anyone gets on my bad side!
She didn't make it twenty steps before hearing: "Hey. Hey you!"
Fionna turned sharply to see a scrawny, snail-shelled squirrel sneering up at her. He was holding a tiny knife in one hand, pointed toward a similarly scrawny snail-shelled squirrel, and he seemed to be a little agitated.
Fionna frowned down at him. "What's going on here, little mac?"
"I want you grab this guy's nuts for me." He motioned up to the tree limb far above him, where a small, lumpy parcel sat precariously. "They're in the bag."
Hands on her hips, Fionna brought her face in closer, still frowning. "Why do you need me to do it? You're a squirrel. This should be bread and butter for you."
The squirrel deftly switched hands with a toss of the knife and pointed the tiny thing at Fionna's nose. "Cause I need to make sure HE doesn't get to it first."
"That sounds a lot like stealing. And I am NOT okay with pinching people's nuts for you!"
"Yeah?" the squirrel chirped. "Well this is kind of important, human girl. You wanna take this up with my POISON KNIFE or help me out here?"
Fionna snorted, nostrils flared. "Poison, right. Like that wussy little pushpin of yours is gonNNAAOWW!"
She pulled away quickly and put a hand to her cheek, wincing from the hot pain. It felt like being pinched by someone with sharp fingernails. "...bad idea, dude," she whispered scathingly.
She lunged forward and grabbed hold of the squirrel, constricting his entire body. She tried to ignore the pinprick sensation of the knife being repeatedly stabbed into her palm, instead squeezing tighter. The squirrel started choking and wriggling in her grip.
"Still think that was a smart move, ya little runt? Huh?" She brought him up to eye level again, breathing hot air on his face through her gritted teeth. He open and shut his mouth repeatedly, gagging for air.
"Don't kill him!" the second squirrel yelled. "Don't kill him!"
Fionna whipped her head around to look back at the alleged victim. "Why not?"
"He's my brother!"
Fionna stared down at the choking squirrel in her hand, watching him struggle. She couldn't feel anything in her hand anymore. She heard a small cracking sound, then promptly released him, laying him back down on the tree branch.
His brother skittered over quickly. "You...you cracked his shell!"
Fionna looked up from trying to pick the sliver-sized knife out of her hand. "He's not dead. He can always get a new shell from somewhere else. He'll be just freakin' fine."
The attacking squirrel coughed a few times, gasping for air. His brother straightened out his ruffled hair and cast aside the chips from his broken shell. "That was...probably unnecessary, ya know? You could have killed him!"
Fionna exhaled and tossed the knife over her shoulder into the bushes. She glared down at both of them. "He attacked me! He was sticking you up for robbery, and he wanted to get me in on it! He's a criminal, I was just bringing him to a hero's justice! Oh yeah, and also...".
She pulled back and thrust her fist forward into the trunk of the tree. The parcel bag fell from the branch above, landing in the waiting arms of the victim squirrel.
"...there, I didn't even have to TOUCH your nuts."
Fionna crossed her arms and stood back, feeling a little better about herself. The victim squirrel slung the bag over his shoulder and proceeded to kick his brother off the branch, letting him fall to the ground. "Hah! I was actually the one robbing HIM, ya doofus!"
With that, he scampered up the tree, turning back when he was out of reach of Fionna's already-drawn sword. "Oh yeah, and if I were you, I'd kill your engines for a bit. You're lettin' off some bad mojo, kid."
Fionna's face grew sour as she collapsed her sword and returned it to her backpack. She grabbed a handful of rocks from the ground and began throwing them in the squirrel's direction, missing terribly.
"I can smell it, it's so bad," the squirrel continued, pinching his nose. "Seriously. It's like you're fartin' up a bad mojo storm over here. Whew!"
She kicked the tree angrily in response.
"...yeah. Well good luck dealin' with that and all. Laters!"
He caught hold of falling leaf and flew away in an inexplicable breeze, chuckling and leaving Fionna to stew in her own bad mojo. She stomped off, leaving the broken squirrel to fend for itself.
Before long though, she softened up a bit and sat down on an inoffensive stump to rest. That...that wasn't very cool of me, was it? she thought. Agh, I've really got a problem here. I'm way too mad for my own good. I know it's all Ice Queen's fault, but I still don't know exactly WHY she makes me so mad...
It's because she's playing games with me, and I don't know the rules! She keeps moving around the game board like there's no path you're supposed to follow! She's playing with loaded dice! She's wheeling and dealing from the bottom of the deck! And I just can't win!
I bet if I could just talk to her, this wouldn't be so infuriating. I just need to find out where she's hiding. I need to get inside her head so she'll get out of mine!
...is that really what I need though? To just get her out of my brain? Why don't I just not think about her, then? I tried that already, and it didn't work. I just sat around playing video games and getting fat from the lack of adventuring.
She groaned loudly and threw herself backward, sprawled out and belly-up on the stump.
It's almost like...like I need her to be in my brain to make get off my buns and go on adventures and junk! She's my mortal enemy...and having an enemy is what keeps you on your toes. But she's not ACTING like my enemy anymore! She's acting like she's got some weird crush on me. But she's still okay with swinging her sword and zapping me, too...so is she trying to be my enemy or not? What's she getting at?
UGH, I just don't understand this game!
Fionna stared up at the sky for a few moments, watching the clouds silently roll along and listening to the faint stirring of the wind. I just need to talk to her, she repeated to herself. That's all.
At last she sat up and shook her head, pulling loose the debris left behind from lying on the stump. She knew she ought to get home now. Cake's probably freaking out by now, she thought. I hope she didn't run off by herself to come find me...she wouldn't even know where to look.
She'd probably run to Prince Gumball, she added, with just a hint of bitterness. She still thinks I have a thing for him. But he'd probably be the most helpful person to turn to...
She walked on, much calmer and cooler now that she'd had a chance to accept her failed mission and remember what her ultimate goal was. She hadn't figured out everything yet, but talking to the queen was beyond a shadow of a doubt what needed to happen next. She'd eventually have to come out of hiding, and Fionna would be right there, waiting for her.
"That's what I'll do," she said aloud, brightening up. "I'll spread the word! I'll have everyone keep their balls open and come tell me the minute they see her!"
For the first time in so many hours, a smile crossed her face. She had a plan. She had a new mission. The red fog was nowhere to be seen now, only bright, springtime sunshine.
She cleared the woods without further incident, and came up on the treehouse with good mood intact. But it wouldn't last for long, for now she had to explain to Cake where she'd been all night. She inhaled slowly, puffing up her chest, and began crossing the lawn in a confident stride.
She slowly deflated as she got closer, though. Cake was lazily stretched out in an armchair not far from the tree, eyes closed and head lightly bobbing to the barely audible music emanating from her oversized headphones. She didn't look like any kind of the worried that Fionna had expected her to be. Fionna casually bumped the lawn chair with her foot.
Cake turned her head to look. "Oh, g'morning sleepybuns!" She removed the headphones and shut the music off. "You eat breakfast already?"
The question caught Fionna completely off guard. "Huh? I...yeah, actually, but-"
"Aww, too bad...I was gonna make some omelettes!" Cake sat up and turned her attention to Fionna, calm as a cucumber.
"Oh," Fionna mumbled, eyes sweeping around briefly before refocusing on her best friend. "Yeah...um, no, guess you won't have to...uh, so, anyway...sorry if I made you worry and stuff."
"About what?" Cake asked. "Sleepin' in late? Fi, you ALWAYS sleep in late, you don't have to apologize for it!"
"But...no, I mean...I was out all night!"
Cake raised an eyebrow. "What are you talkin' about? You were snorin' all night! Sounded like a pachyderm in the house."
Fionna slumped forward slightly. "Whaa? But I...no, I snuc-I went out last night! I was out all night long!"
Cake cocked her head. "You sure you weren't just dreamin'? You've been in bed all night and all morning, I saw you. Did you know you still sleep with your booty in the air? Hehehe...".
"But, no...how?" Fionna sputtered. "No Cake...see...I really WAS out all night. I kinda...went to the Ice Kingdom to try and find Ice Queen, and...".
Cake rose out of the chair and stretched up to Fionna's height, putting her paws on the girl's cheeks. "...okay now booger, this is serious talk. If you're lyin' to me, I'm gonna smack your other cheeks, got it?"
"Yerp," Fionna responded.
Cake took a deep breath. "Now, I SAW you asleep when I went to bed last night, and you were still asleep when I woke up. And I woke up EARLY this mornin'. I made some lunches for later today, cleaned up the living room cause I've got a date with Lord Monochromicorn this afternoon, and I've been chillin' to this dulcimer concerto for like an hour now. You never left the room that I saw."
Fionna pulled herself away from Cake's grasp. "You sure YOU weren't dreaming? Dude, I was totally out in the Ice Kingdom last night! Look, I got bruises to prove it!"
She pulled up her shirt and pointed to a few sore spots. "See? Look, here's one, and here's one...".
"Put that away, Fi, no one wants to see that!" Cake turned away and tugged Fionna's shirt back into place.
"It's nothing you haven't seen before, glob! I'm just trying to prove my point here!"
Cake frowned. "Fi, you were havin' a really bad dream or somethin'. You were out like a candle all night long, I SAW you! And I KNOW you're not callin' me a liar...are you?"
"But you couldn't have seen me, I wasn't there!"
"FIONNA!" Cake shouted.
For a moment there was absolute silence. Something flapped overhead. Both glaced up, but the sky remained empty.
"...maybe something weird is going on around here," Fionna began.
"Don't change the...wait, what do you mean, weird?"
"I mean like...what if there's some weird illusion spell or time paradox thing going on?"
Cake snorted. "That's a stretch, Fi. You're really stretchin' it thin now."
"No, I'm serious," Fionna insisted. "What if somebody's hiding something from us?"
"Like who?"
Fionna paused. She almost blurted it right out, but her brain stopped long enough for her to think carefully about the next words to come out of her mouth. Not that it mattered, since Cake predicted it a second later.
"Baby, NO. Don't you even tell me this is about Ice Queen!"
Fionna shifted her backpack and grunted.
"Girl, you gotta LISTEN to me on this one! That frost witch is BAD BUSINESS, I mean it! Don't go thinkin' this is all about her!"
"Cake, come on! You gotta listen to ME, too! I know I didn't dream all this up, because it just happened! I spent all night in Ice Queen's cave looking for her! I banged myself all up! My whole biz is bonked! I couldn't have dreamed this!"
Cake frowned, but remained silent.
"Now...I'm just thinking out loud here, but what if she used some kind of trick spell? Like, what if she made a hologram of me in bed? Or what if you were hypnotized and she changed your memories to make you think you've been busy all morning? What if she's just crunking with us?"
Arms crossed and fingers drumming, Cake thought for a moment before responding, "Okay, fine, I'll play along. To what end is she crunkin'?"
"I dunno, to drive us crazy?" Fionna was grasping for any possible straw of an idea, looking up in the sky for possible inspiration. She only saw a large shadowy bird in the distance, heading back the way she'd just come. "I mean, she IS my enemy, right? If she drives me bat-drool crazy, what would stand in her way of snatching up princes and icing up candy peeps? Ya know?"
Cake sighed, still not buying it.
"Come on Cake, how else do you explain why we both remember different stuff happening last night?"
"Well, I could be right and you could be wrong," she muttered under her breath.
Fionna threw her head back and put her fingers to her temples, sighing. A glint of light from the now-distant mountains of the Ice Kingdom flickered in her eye.
And a thought occurred to her.
"...I think I have a hunch about this."
A moment of silence passed.
"I'm going back."
"Back to bed?" Cake asked sarcastically.
"Back to the Ice Kingdom." Fionna started walking off. Cake was quick to block her path.
"Fionna, NO. As your surrogate cat-mama, I FORBID it!"
"Cake, MOVE!" Fionna pushed against her, to no avail.
"I'm not lettin' you go back there! I'm not lettin' you go to HER!"
"CAKE! Would you just trust me on this?"
"I will not! You're gonna get yourself HURT, girl! This is NOT okay!"
Fionna reached into her backpack and pulled out her sword, expanding it to full size. "...Cake, you're my best bud. But I really, REALLY need to do this. You need to either let me go, or I'm gonna have to mess you up."
Cake tensed up, but restrained herself from pouncing, breathing harder as she spoke.. "Fionna...are you really gonna use that? On ME?"
"If it'll get you to stop being such a mom and just let me do this, then yeah, I totally might do it!"
Cake took a moment, various emotions passing across her face, before exhaling slowly and stepping aside. "Fi...you're still my baby, and I don't want nothin' bad to happen to you. But I guess if all I did was try to protect you from everything myself, I wouldn't be any better to you than Ice Queen was to me."
Fionna looked up at her and nodded.
"If you think this is what you need, and you think you've got what it takes to clock her socks, then...I guess I support it." Her mouth curled at the edges into a smile.
Fionna's face defrosted into a smile as well. "Thanks, Cake."
"But I am TOTALLY coming with you! Ain't no WAY I'm gonna let some dumb-butt ice hag jack up my baby!"
Fionna's arms were suddenly around Cake's neck. "That's cool. This means a lot to me, girl."
"Yeah, yeah," Cake said, brushing her off. "Sisters stick it out together, right?"
"Yeah, let's stick it out!"
On cue, both bent at the waist, sticking their bottoms out and bumping them together. "Butt bump, YEAH!"
"Alright!" Fionna announced, hopping on Cake's back as she grew several times in size. "Let's go roll some snow heads!"
Cake looked back up at her. "...I thought we were gonna go after Ice Queen?"
"Well...yeah, I mean...roll some heads, roll some snowballs...".
"...oh. OH. You mean like...okay, got it. Got it."
"Yeah, that was a dumb pun. Sorry."
"Meh, I've heard worse. Remember, I used to live with ICE QUEEN."