"This is really bad, dude. I have no idea what I need to do next. I have no attack plan."
She cast her backpack into the corner of the room and continued her track. "Ice Queen has me up against a wall made of spikes with my hands tied to my ankles. I can't do a globbing thing about it! No matter what attack I think of, she's already got an answer for it! She's just too good!"
Cake scratched behind her ear, trying to remain calm and rational about the situation. Seeing Fionna in such a huff wasn't helping. "You sure you've thought of EVERYTHING?"
"Everything! I tried fighting her head-on, I tried ignoring her, I tried sneaking around, I tried looking for a weak spot...nothing works! It's like she knows everything about me already! How can I beat that?"
Cake sat down and rubbed her chin. "Maybe you need to think about it from another angle, then. Stop thinkin' 'bout the things you can do to her. Maybe start by thinkin' about the things she can do to you."
Fionna whipped her head to stare at Cake as her feet carried on walking. "You want me to think about how she's gonna ice me to my bed and then make out with me while I'm trying to sleep?"
"Fionna, that's nasty! How'd a precious angel-butt like you think up such a puke-bucket idea like THAT?"
There was a snort along with the reply. "That fridge-witch. She did something like that in this dream I had. She probably even made me dream it. Creeper."
Cake made a face. "Well what I was TRYIN' to say was maybe you need to find out what Ice Queen's good at and bad at. Y'know, make a list of her strengths and weaknesses."
"That sounds like something Prince Gumbutt would do," Fionna said dismissively. "He'd try to be all smart about it, try and math the queen to death. Cram that. Doesn't work for me. Not enough swords in that equation."
"Hmph," Cake crossed her arms and slouched, deep in thought. She was very displeased by this whole mess, to put it mildly. She just knew the queen was up to something, playing this romance game. Despite her speech about being passion and the thrill of the game, Cake knew better than anyone that Ice Queen was manipulative and unstable. She had to have some kind of ulterior motive. She just had to. If only they could crack her code and figure out what it was, though...
"What if I had a friend?"
"What?" The sheer simplicity of the question caught Cake completely off-guard.
"A friend," Fionna continued, wrapped up in thought but still pacing slowly. "Someone who could beat her up if she tried to make a move on me. A bodyguard...?"
Cake smacked her lips. "...aren't we usually s'posed to be the bodyguards, though?"
"Yeah..." came the voice, still processing a chain of thoughts. "...but this would be somebody who Ice Queen couldn't do much damage to. Somebody who can't get frozen."
The thought seemed to stop there. Cake leaned in and prompted, "...somebody...made of fire?"
"...yeah. Yeah!" Fionna's eyes lit up. "Do we know any fire guys that would help us? Like a lava demon? Or a bonfire god? No, wait...isn't there like a whole Fire Kingdom out there?"
"The Fire Kingdom?" Cake asked. "You seriously thinkin' about tryin' to find a bodyguard in the Fire Kingdom? That place is s'posed to be crazy dangerous, girl...".
"Yeah, I know," Fionna said excitedly. "But what better way to gack up the queen than by hanging out with fire people all the time? If she got too close to us, she'd melt! We could keep her hands outta my pants AND make some new friends! It's perfect!"
Cake furrowed her lip and thought about it for a minute. "Well, it SOUNDS like a good idea, but how do we know it's gonna work?"
"What are you talking about, ya crazy cat?" Fionna had stopped pacing and started using exuberant hand motions while talking. "I just told you how the plan works. There's NO WAY that creeper can get around it! It's perfect!"
"Well..." came the response, checking the plan for possible leaks. "You gotta point there. If she's goin' up against fire, there's not much SHE can do. But how are WE gonna survive?"
"The ice? It's not so bad, I mean, once you've had snow down your undies, you kinda get used-"
"I mean the fire, Fi."
"Oh. Right."
"What if we're beatin' on Queenie and our Fire Kingdom buddy accidentally lobs a hot stinker at us? There's not much you can do to stop a fireball...".
Fionna chewed on her lip, mulling this over. She looked around the room for a spark of inspiration. Fire burned or melted most things, didn't it? Wood, plastic, metal, gold coins, leaves, ice, hair, clothes...
"Do we have any like...reversing mirrors, or dragon scales, or...or anything with a Flame Shield spell on it?"
Cake snapped her fingers and scurried over to a mound of treasure in the corner of the living room. "I think we do have somethin' like that. From that one time we freed those weird little mantis guys from the science hawks!"
She dove into a pile of trinkets, tossing out goblets and necklaces and small elephant statues, coming back up for air once or twice before re-emerging with a small mahogany box in hand. "Ha! Found em!"
She presented the box triumphantly to Fionna, popping the top open to reveal two pairs of ornate sunglasses.
"We had special shades in our hoard?" Fionna asked, somewhat startled.
"Yeah girl! I'd almost forgotten 'til you said Flame Shield!" She held up a pair for examination. The lenses were dark with a vague maroon tint, and small runes decorated the rims. She tried a pair on for size.
"Whoa, you look rad, Cake!" Fionna flashed her a thumbs-up.
Cake placed a hand on her hip and one behind her head, then struck a pose. "Ya think?"
"Dang," Fionna said, clapping. "You got major style, miss Gritty Kitty!"
"Aw yeah!" Cake exclaimed, tossing the other pair to Fionna. "These things should give us full protection from any nasty burns!"
Fionna put on her pair and drew her sword. "I feel so...I feel like my butt just got ten times badder with these on!"
"I know, right?" Cake raised her hand for a high-five.
"Alright Cake, it's adventure time!" Fionna completed the high five sequence and cartwheeled out the front door, followed closely by her sister hero.
With the shades on, Fionna felt more confident than she had in quite some time. They didn't just make her look cool, she actually felt empowered by wearing them. They were part of a plan that wasn't going to freeze up this time. She was very glad Cake had found them.
She was glad for a lot of things Cake had done for her, actually. She never failed to bring Fionna out of a slump. There was a good reason they'd lived together all these years. Cake had always been there to listen, to enable her, to get her into trouble and back out again. She could be a real mom from time to time, scolding and worrying and insisting, but more than anything, she was like a sister. An older sister who allowed her younger sister grow on her own, but who wouldn't hesitate to back that sister up if she needed it.
The bond they shared was a tight, unbreakable one, and Fionna treasured it. Even if she didn't blurt it out loud.
Following the rough instructions on their decaying map, the girls plodded along in no particular hurry, at least for now. They decided they'd need energy to stay safe (and possibly stay cool) once they got inside the Fire Kingdom. Speaking of which...
"Hey Fionna, what do we even know about the Fire Kingdom?"
Fionna frowned, but didn't stop walking. "Not much, really. PG said they have a queen, but no king. He also said nobody really ever travels to or from its gates."
"Wonder why?" Cake asked. "I mean sure, candy people would melt and all, but why don't people come out either? Is it a secret kingdom or something?"
"Nah, can't be. I can see the smoke in the air from here."
"I MEAN, why are they all so antisocial? Don't Fire Kingdom peeps ever go on vacations? Are they all slaves? Or like, soldiers, or assassins or somethin'?"
Fionna shrugged.
"Guess we really just don't know much, do we?"
"Nope," Fionna concluded. "We'll just have to see what we can learn about 'em, I guess!"
Before too long they reached the base of the kingdom's surrounding mountains. Here, two very tall and very naked fire golems stood unblinking and slightly slouched in front of a porous, rocky gate, probably made of cooled lava rocks. The golems themselves were smooth and stony, like baked clay. Small halos of flames hovered over their heads.
She looked up to the nearest golem. It very slowly turned its stony face to stare lifelessly down at her. They remained locked on each other for a few minutes, then Fionna finally turned back to Cake, who simply shrugged.
Facing the golem on the right, she suddenly announced, "Hey fire dudes, I come in peace!"
The golem slowly tilted its head forward and spoke in a deep, but oddly melodious rumble of a voice. "Peace or piece?" it asked.
"...um, peace?" Fionna responded, arms behind her back. "I think?"
"You are a peaceful person by nature, then?" The golem's eyes sparked as it stood more to attention. "Or merely a small piece of an impending army bent on announcing your own doomed conquest?"
Fionna blew a raspberry. "Nah bro, we're peaceful. We're not gonna put your flames out or nothing."
The golem blinked very slowly. "Yes, you wouldn't," it said, somewhat mysteriously. "If you are peaceful, then this is no place for you. Pivot one-eighty and retreat."
"Haa?" Fionna stood there a moment, staring back at the burning lump of rock-person. She scratched her arm, then asked, head tilted, "So...I can't just go into the Fire Kingdom?"
The other golem leaned down and spoke in a more gruff, metal drill kind of voice. "Peaceful patrons do not survive in our kingdom, even despite their neat eyewear."
Cake ran her finger over the rims of her shades. "Uhhhh-huh. And what if we just...say, force our way right through those doors?"
A pause. Both golems swiveled their heads in unison toward Cake. "...you wouldn't."
"Wanna try us?" Cake taunted, growing a few sizes and baring her teeth for effect.
She held her posture for all of the ten-second silence before the first golem spoke again. "...so you are NOT peaceful, then?"
Fionna groaned. "Dude, seriously. What do we have to say to get you to let us through?"
"You need only tell us that you are here to-"
"Wait."
The second golem took center stage. Fionna could swear the corners of its mouths were turning up slightly. "You've gotta say 'cronker donkus eyeball boogers'."
Fionna smacked her lips. "Is that the password?"
The golems exchanged glances. The first one rolled its eyes, sighing. "Yeah. Password."
Fionna turned to Cake, who nodded. "Okay," she said, rolling up her sleeves. She added jazzy hand motions as she and Cake repeated the phrase in uneven unison. "Cronker donkus eyeball boogers!"
There was a muffled snort from the second golem, a tiny curl of smoke rising from the smooth spot where a nose should have been. The first sighed and turned to the gate, lifting it from the bottom with bare hands. "You just love messing with the newbies, don't you?"
The second golem, stretched up against the wall of the mesh-like gates. "Whatever. Nobody ever even comes out here anymore. I get lonely and bored, you understand. Don't you?"
"Yes, of course. Even though I'm right here, you get lonely and bored and don't talk to me for months at a time."
"Because you are so mundane, yes."
"Grunt."
The gate was raised to full height. Thick, scorching air billowed out onto the girls' faces and clouded their nostrils. Coughing, they slowly surveyed the Fire Kingdom. It was quite a gruesome sight to behold. Sludgy, molten lava crept along the ground, gnawing at the ankles of tall, top-heavy stalagmites. The sky was blackened out by thick columns of volcanic smoke, black on the outside, but pulsing with hints of reds and purples and yellows on the inside. The constant roar of crashing, burning rocks shook the earth, rumbling right up their leg bones into their stomachs.
Dead in the center of the rather compact kingdom was a spiny mass of smoking stone that resembled a castle. Well, it had pillars and a magma moat and a drawbridge. But the rest just looked like a melted, matted mess with spires of rock jutting out. It looked like someone had microwaved a spike mace and decided to turn it into a mansion.
"Where is everybody?" Cake asked, head swiveling around to see in all directions as the gate slammed closed behind them. "It's like a fire-crackin' ghost town around here."
Fionna tugged on the straps of her backpack, then pointed to the dome-like structure ahead. "I'm guessing that's where most of 'em go."
A grin curled up at the ends of Cake's mouth as she walked on. "So you mean...that's the local HOTSPOT?"
"Cake...bluhh. If you weren't my soul-sister, I swear I'd knock you out for that one!"
"Sorry," Cake replied with a shrug. "Except I'm not."
"Whatever." Fionna leaped to and from stalagmites, moving very quickly to avoid her shoes melting and sticking to each one. She lighted on a narrow foot path carved into the rock, careful not to make contact with any of the surrounding magma. "Come on, we should get this over with while these shades are working."
Cake raised an eyebrow, then casually stretched her way across the steaming lava in one wide stride, stopping at Fionna's side. They stared at each other for a moment, then Fionna flicked Cake's ear and walked on.
"So what's the plan?" Cake asked.
"Plan? What do you mean?"
"Well think about it, booger. How are we gonna introduce ourselves? What are we gonna say?"
Fionna shrugged and wiped her nose with a finger. "I dunno, I was just gonna ask to see if there was like...a Fire Prince or Princess we could hang with, maybe invite 'em back to the treehouse for some games or something. Y'know, make friends."
"Bring 'em back home? Are you nuts!? They'd burn the place to the ground!"
"Oh...yeah, I guess they would, huh."
Cake grabbed her wrist and brought her down closer to eye level. "Are you even listening? How do you expect to make this work if you don't think it through?"
"But things usually just work out for me!" Fionna replied. "Even if it doesn't sound like they will, they usually turn out fine! Just relax and let the details take care of themselves, Cake. It'll be fine. I can handle anything that comes up."
"What, just go with the flow?"
"Yeah." She pulled Cake's tense fingers from her wrist. "I got this. I'm a sword-slingin' adventurer, remember? What's the worst that could happen?"
Cake grimaced at the thought of what could happen, but remained silent. She nodded and the two of them strode up to lowered drawbridge. Two fire people in pointy helmets were idly tossing lava rocks at the gas bubbles forming in the moat. They looked up and stood to attention when they realized they had company.
"Wha...who are you two?" one asked nervously.
Fionna stepped forward. "I'm Fionna, that's Cake. We're here to make some friends. Sup?"
"Friends?" The guards looked at each other. "The golems let you in here...to make friends with us?"
"...yes?" Fionna puckered her lips.
The first guard scratched his head, a sizzle of smoke rising up as he did, then responded, "...so you're not trying to stamp us out, you don't even challenge us, but you wanna be friends? With US?"
An awkward silence hung for a moment.
"This...this is kinda out of my league here. I think maybe we should push 'em into the moat. What do you think, Jill?"
Fionna's jaw dropped slightly and she reached a hand into her backpack, clutching the handle of the sword inside.
"Eh...it's no fun just shoving someone into a moat if they're not here to fight. That'd be like punching a duck. Over way too quick."
Her grip on the sword relaxed a bit, but she didn't let go.
"Aww, come on. I'm so bored, nothing ever happens here!"
"...why don't we hand her over to the Queen?"
Fionna subconsciously winced at the word 'queen'.
"What, you mean...she'll be tested?"
"Yeah! Better than a boring old lava death, right?"
"Okay, yeah! Totally!"
With that, both guards stepped to the sides of the castle mouth, gesturing with an arm to the inside. "Please, go right inside. The Queen's chamber is straight ahead, you can't miss it."
Fionna looked down to Cake, who pushed the glasses up on her nose and nodded. She took a deep breath of stagnant, coal-smelling air and strode confidently through the arch into the castle as the door again sealed up behind them.
"Umm, Cake?"
"What?"
"I can't see anything."
"Me neither."
"Should we take off the shades?"
"Sure, if ya wanna die!"
"Okay, so I guess we just walk forward til we hit something then?"
"Fionna, that's dumb! This whole adventure is dumb! Why are we even here if we can't see anyth-oh...hang on, what do we have here?"
A vague orange light was beginning to fill the room. It seemed to be emanating from the floor. After a few seconds, their eyes began to adjust and they could see the room in somewhat more coherent detail. For starters, everything was black. The walls, the ceiling, the floor, the spiky rock formations jutting out and up and down, all solid jet black. Glowing orange veins of dying-ember light branched out along the floor and walls. They reminded Fionna of the heating coils inside the kitchen stove at home. As the veins continued to grow brighter, they were accompanied by very deep, breathy noise. Almost like the castle was...alive?
"Oh, looks like that's where we wanna be," Fionna said, pointing down the slanted corridor before them. It looked like a road leading straight into the heart of the hellish Nightosphere. "See, there's more light coming from down there."
Cake shuddered. "Maybe that's where YOU wanna be, I don't like it here one bit."
"Gonna stay here, scaredy cat?"
"Don't you pull that card on me, girl! I ain't afraid of this place! I just don't like it."
"Whatever, dude. I'm going!"
The two walked on, descending further and further into the heart of the tunnel until they reached what appeared to be a courtroom. Or maybe a throne room. The room was wide open, with stone tables along the walls and a raised platform with a throne where the flickering Flame Queen sat. The room was lit by a huge, glowing lamp far overhead. The tables were lined with flaming nobles and jesters, each with a plate of charcoal in front of them. They were all staring at Fionna and Cake as they stepped into the court.
The Queen leaned forward, eyeing them both from head to toe. "You two aren't on fire. What does that mean? Somebody tell me what that means!"
Hushed murmurs spread across the tables. Fionna again took center stage and spoke up. "It means we're not from here, your Majesty."
The room collectively gasped, everyone's fire momentarily burning brighter. "Foreigners?"
Fionna nodded, putting a hand to her chest. "My name's Fionna, this is-"
"What kind of foreigners? What is your kingdom of origin and rank?"
"Uhmm...".
The Queen rose to her feet, flames licking out from beneath her crusted gem crown. "What do you want? Why have you come all the way into my kingdom if you aren't fire people?"
Cake nudged Fionna forward, making scooting motions with her hands. Fionna nodded, swallowed and puffed out her chest.
"We're adventurers! We've come from the distant outside world in search of new allies! We have cracked the password of your fire golems, outsmarted your guards, defied your lava spikes, and stand before you now, requesting- no, DEMANDING- an opportunity to make allies and friends with all y'all!"
As a finishing move, she pulled the sword from her backpack, brandished it in a circle overhead, then struck it point-down into the ground, leaning on it like a cane and watching the queen with a smirk on her face.
The room stayed silent for a few moments, many of the nobles slowly turning to see what the Queen's reaction would be. She was glaring straight at Fionna, trying to burn a hole through her forehead with sheer willpower. She eventually cracked and spoke: "...adventurers? You mean like champions?"
"The championest."
At last a smile crossed the Queen's face. A knowing smile. A vicious smile...a familiar smile, Fionna thought, gritting her teeth.
"My darlings," Flame Queen suddenly began, "it would appear that we have ourselves two champions before us!"
There was scattered applause from the tables.
"Let us put their championship to a test!"
A louder round of applause.
"Bring it!" Fionna challenged.
With a snap of the Queen's fingers, the room illuminated much brighter and two flaming lions stepped into view from behind the throne. Their bodies didn't just glow with fire, they appeared to be made of nothing BUT fire. They circled around into the center of the room, stopping on either side of the two newly-dubbed champions.
The queen clapped her hands together and returned to her seat. "Now...prove yourself by destroying these firelions. BEGIN!"
The lions crouched, then pounced. Both Fionna and Cake dropped to the floor as the lions flew right over their heads. Instead of hitting each other as expected, they sailed right through each other, landing again on opposite sides. The one nearest to Cake snarled at her.
Fionna rolled aside and made a wide slice with her sword. It passed right through the lion with no hesitation. The beast merely blinked and stared scornfully back before smacking her across the face with a fire paw. The blow stung, but thanks to the glasses, her face wasn't singed.
"Wait, how do we hit these guys?" Fionna asked, drawing her designated opponent away toward the walls. "They're made of fire!"
Cake ducked an oncoming swipe and attempted to smash her hammer-shaped hands into her opponent's skull. They passed harmlessly through the creature's fiery skin. "Don't know, but we better think of somethin' fast! I'm startin' to feel the heat...we must be almost out of Flame Shield power!"
Grinding her teeth, Fionna jumped aside and danced her way around the lion's attacks, thinking hard. How do you stop fire? There's obviously no water around here. Or ice. Hmph, this would actually be a welcome invitation for the Ice Queen to just pop in right about now. Or even if I just had her tiara...
No. She shut her eyes for a moment, shaking away the image of the Queen. Don't think about her right now. Save it for later. Put up a barrier, then maybe bury her.
Wait. Bury her.
"Cake! I have an idea! Get me up to the ceiling!"
Snaking and twisting her way beneath the lions, Cake reached out, picked up Fionna, then sent her quickly upward toward the brightly burning lamp in the ceiling. Shielding her eyes, Fionna could see a mess of sharp stalactites dangling from the roof around the lamp.
"Fi, you'd better not be leavin' these puppies up to me!" Cake growled as the lions slashed at her legs.
"Nope, got a plan!" She jumped out of Cake's hand, wrapping herself around the nearest stalactite and keeping her back to the lamp.
The Flame Shield spell was definitely wearing thin, as she could feel the heat from behind washing over her back. Better make this quick.
She plunged her sword hard into the rock and began wedging it loose, sparks flying from the crystal blade and landing on her stockings. "Cake! Target mode!"
On the floor below, Cake positioned herself directly beneath Fionna while somehow continuing to dodge the onslaught from the lions. "Ready!"
On cue, Fionna heaved with one final thrust, loosing a mass of rock about twice her size from the ceiling and sending it plummeting to the ground. Cake casually side-stepped as the rocks came crashing down on top of the lions, immediately extinguishing both in one swift motion.
"HA! Whatcha momma say now, suckas!" Fionna shouted as she dropped to the ground. She landed on all fours, tucked the sword back into her pack, then winced in pain as she picked herself up from the burning hot floor. The shield was definitely gone now. She blew on her hands to cool them down.
"The contest is FINISHED!" The Flame Queen announced excitedly. "The result is VICTORIOUS!"
A round of exuberant applause from the nobles filled the room. Both Fionna and Cake took deep bows and flashed thumbs-up to either side.
"And as promised by Royal Decree," the Queen continued, "You are entitled to the prize I have so graciously been offering."
The champions exchanged glances. "Prize?"
"Lower the lamp!"
A nearby soldier cranked a wheel on the wall that slowly brought the glowing lamp down from the ceiling. Fionna again shielded her eyes, squinting through her shades. Funny, she thought. The Flame Shield is dead, but the shades still have their uses.
As the lamp came closer to the floor, the light dimmed, bringing more transparency to its glass surface. When it at last came to rest on level ground, the light faded almost completely, giving everyone in the room clear access to see inside. Fionna's mouth opened in surprise.
Standing in the center of the lamp was a stately young man in regal attire similar to the Flame Queen's, a mohawk of fire burning bright atop his head. He looked around from inside the lamp excitedly, waving to several of the nobles. Was he the source of the light that had just gone out?
The soldier scaled the side of the lamp and removed the lid from its bottleneck top. The young man inside, presumably a prince, shot up in a fireball out of the opening and somersaulted to the ground before Fionna. He sharply rose to full height, dropped into a low bow, then back to full height. Fionna simply smiled and nodded in response.
"Champion Fionna, Champion Cake," the Queen spoke, addressing both in the most regal voice she'd used in a long time, "You have bested my challenge. You are now free to take my son's hand in marriage! Let the wedding preparations commence immediately!"
Fionna's face crashed to the floor. "Wait, WHAT?!"