"Fi, if you're cold, lemme just be the first to inform you that I TOLD you we shoulda gone back to the treehouse first!"
"Hush," said Fionna. "It'll be much warmer...er, I mean less colder once we get inside the cave."
Cake shook her head but didn't respond. She just kept high-stepping her way upward, through the bottomless blankets of snow, ears flat against her skull and eyes squinted. It was only a light dusting of flakes drifting down, but the quick, freezing breezes brought them in clustered clouds that built up quickly if left unchecked.
As the mouth of the queen's crystal cavern drew closer, Fionna felt her eyes slowly closing. She recalled the last time she had been here, how the treacherous mountains had defeated her with such ease. Even this time, though much calmer, they were indeed formidable. Of course, it didn't help that she was in no shape to be trekking up them in the first place.
Soon...we'll be there soon, she told herself. A nagging voice in the back of her head demanded to know how a cave made of ice could be so much of an improvement over a mountain made of snow. A louder voice told that one to suck a goat.
Hunching forward, Fionna again put her ear against the queen's chest. Still breathing, good girl. You're almost home. You're almost outta my hair. For now. Wait, what's gonna happen after you wake up? You're just gonna come after me again somehow, aren't you? This whole Flame Prince debacle was just a simple distraction, and now you're gonna get right back on track with your weird romancey jive...glob it. I'm gonna have to conjure up a new plan...
...or maybe not? My last "plan" didn't exactly work, did it? I almost wrecked a whole bunch of kingdoms, almost died like three or four times, and it only got me closer to the queen instead of farther away. Man, I'm such a dope. Ugh.
...maybe I should just do what I'm best at and think on my feet. No plans. No backfires. No sass from Cake. I'm sure I can figure this mess out. I'm sure I can...
She remained silent the rest of the way up, unable to sleep despite the overwhelming fatigue her body kept insisting she attend to. Cake would have used the opportunity to deliver an important speech, but of two things she was certain: one, Fionna wouldn't listen or heed her words right now, and two, opening her mouth would inevitably fill it with falling snow, which didn't sound all that pleasant. She kept it shut instead, humming a tuneless song.
When at last they reached the summit, Cake quickly downsized as Fionna hoisted the queen back up over her shoulder and stepped down onto the sheer ice floor. She was grateful that the ice in here wasn't at all slippery, though she did wonder why that was so. How was this ice any different from regular ice? Was it even ice at all? Was it just some weird magical concoction that Ice Queen had cooked up?
"Well, we're here," said Cake, derailing that train of thought. She gestured around the entrance hall. "Wanna just dump her against that statue or somethin'? We can keep watch right here on the front lines 'til she wakes up, then scoot right outta here and get back to our lives."
"Come on Cake, does she look like she's ready for front line duty?"
"She ALWAYS looks like duty to me."
Fionna frowned, then yawned. "Come on, let's get her to her bed. Beds are a righteous place to wake up."
"You look like you could use a bed yourself, ya little trouper," Cake said, leading the way. "Don't tell me you're bunkin' with old bubblebooty here."
"Noooo," she rolled the word as she adjusted her grip on the bubblebooty in question. "I don't even wanna think about what's in that bed of hers. I didn't even use it when I camped out here last time."
"No? Where'd you sleep then?"
"Oh, uh...the floor."
"What? Why would go and do that?"
"Well, y'know...I kinda got my butt served to me that night. Like, served on a golden plate with special sauce. This place marshed my mallows pretty hard. I was gonna stay up all night keepin' watch, then I kinda fell down from tiredness and got covered in penguins and...yeah. Penguins make nice blankets."
"Hmm, can't argue with that logic. Penguin blankets sound pretty sweet...penguets. Blanguins. Bedguins."
Fionna couldn't hold back a giggle. "Basically, yeah."
"Okay, so we bunk on the floor, that's doable. Wouldn't be the first time, right? What about food?"
Fionna's eyes widened. Food. She hadn't eaten in what felt to her like days now. The ever-insatiable beast gurgled to life in the empty pit of her belly. She put her free hand over it to quiet it down as she rounded the corner into the queen's bedroom.
"Well, y'see...basically, when I woke up, SOMEONE had already made breakfast and left it there, all warm and delicious, right? So I just kinda...helped myself."
Cake frowned as she kicked away crumpled scraps of paper and cleared off the surface of the bed. "Ice Queen made you breakfast? Already? Dang, she is movin' quick. She must really wanna get with you...how much exactly did you eat?"
"Uhhh...".
"Stupid question, I know," she grumbled, gesturing for Fionna to lay the queen down. "You and food, Fionna. If Ice Queen doesn't end up bein' your girlfriend, food will. I know you too well. Still pretty unsettlin' that you ate her cookin' though. Now I'm REALLY worried."
"You mean you weren't already?" she replied dryly as she gently laid Ice Queen on the bed, taking special care to sort out her massive fields of hair so that she wouldn't get tangled up in her sleep. "Besides, her cooking is amazing, and you're a donkus if you try to tell me different."
"I ain't arguin', Fionna!" Cake said, suddenly defensive. "I KNOW what her cookin's like! I LIVED with her, ya dope! She used to cook for me all the globbin' time and I KNOW how amazing it was...".
"Oh yeah, I keep forgetting about that."
"What I'm gettin' at though," she said, making a conscious effort to cool herself down, "Is that her cookin' has a way of gettin' from your mouth right into your brain."
"Huh?"
"If SHE doesn't seduce you first, her food will. Her cookin's somethin' I've missed since the moment I left her...".
Cake turned and took a few steps toward the bedroom door, her face distant, lost in thought and memory. Fionna stared at her for a few moments, mentally sifting through a variety of potential sentences she could use here. She wanted to say something, but whatever emotion Cake was feeling at that moment, she was unable to pinpoint it exactly...was she sad about leaving the queen's side? Bitter because they could never get along? Angry? If I knew a little more about this whole thing, I might know what to say...
Without realizing, the words that came out aloud were: "How come you never talk about her, Cake? How come we never jive about what happened between you and her?"
Shaking her head and snapping back into the waking world, Cake turned back to face her and said quite plainly "'Cause. It's upsettin'. I don't wanna go down that lane in memory world."
"But why not?"
"Don't we have more important things to worry about right now anyway? Like eatin' and gettin' our strength back up? Didn't you just say you really wanted some food?"
Ah, the magic word. "Glob, yes. Food. We need food. I'm freakin' starving."
"'Course you are," Cake said, side-eyeing Fionna's belly. "Gotta find SOME way to shut that thing up. I'mma go raid the kitchen, see if I can't rustle up somethin' to eat, okay? You stay here and keep an eyeball on old thunder thighs."
"You sure you don't need any help?"
"You don't even know how to cook, Fi."
"You should teach me, then!"
"Please," Cake rolled her eyes. "Fionna, if you learned how to cook for yourself, you'd never STOP!"
She stuck out her tongue. "Whatever, miss rude boots. I could stop if I wanted to."
"Right," Cake responded with a flick of her tail. "So yeah, you chill here while I whip up some midnight snacks."
With that, she left the room for the kitchen, leaving Fionna alone with her nemesis, stalker and would-be girlfriend. Ugh, don't think of it like that, she told herself. She is so NOT my girlfriend. So I admitted the thing about the kiss, big deal. Kisses are just plain nice! Everybody likes a little smooch once in awhile, right? Totally not a big deal! That doesn't make her my girlfriend!
And anyway, why would I wanna get with Ice Queen anyway? That'd be like giving up the eternal battle of good against evil, giving in to what SHE wants. I've never surrendered to her before! I've never surrendered to anyone, and I sure as heck ain't startin' now! I'm gonna be her enemy forever!
She glanced over at the queen again. Eyes closed and breathing softly, she looked deceptively peaceful. Fionna had never seen her this relaxed, this serene. Lying there completely surrendered to slumber, she had never looked more unequivocally normal. Blood and bruises aside, of course.
Part of her was waiting on edge for the queen to suddenly snap back to consciousness, lick clean her wounds, then pounce like a cougar. She could see the whole scene in her head, and it only led to an ending involving a lot of up-close and physical contact. Ugh, no. Brain, why would you think that?
With a loud sigh, she threw herself shoulder to the wall and surveyed the room. There's gotta be something I can do while I wait for her to wake up...or for the food to be ready. Urgh, I shouldn't even be this hungry, I ate like a freakin' maniac just this morning...then again, I was out adventuring all day after that...bluh, I'm just doomed to get fat and die from donut overdose, aren't I?
No, she decided firmly. Gotta do something else. Don't focus on food. Something to occupy my mind. Anything.
Her eyes landed on a nearby scrap of paper on the floor. Unwrinkling it, she read aloud:
In time alone, where love shall rest I'll keep your face between my breasts Your picture within my locket Hold me closely, gentle and still Sliding your fingers down farther until They slip inside my pocket
She paused, unsure whether she should continue reading. Her stomach growled loudly. She discarded that page and traded it for another rumpled scrap that read:
Powder blanket, fluffy pillow Heavy pants, zipper fickle Frosted face, ice reflects Tongue is trapped, stiff icicle
She stared for a minute, the words blurring together as she tried to stitch together what, if anything, such nonsense could possibly mean. She wondered if that sort of writing came from the queen's own mind, or if her tiara had some influence on it.
She retrained her focus to said tiara, resting gently atop Ice Queen's thick mat of hair. What's that thing making you think of, queenie? Does the tiara give you all these bonko ideas about me? Or do you just really like messin' with sweet little girls' heads?
Not that I'm a sweet little girl, she snorted. I'm a raving, roving, revved-up racer!
She clutched her stomach. One that's really outta fuel right now...no, can't think about food! Something else! Something else!
She wondered if Ice Queen had a secret diary somewhere. Something small and discreet baring her every insecurity, her every weakness. Something jotted down in private, revealing in flowery, cursive letters all of her most sacred thoughts.
She stared blankly at the queen's face. The sudden desire to know everything about her clicked inside her brain.
What do I even know about her? she asked herself. I know her as the Ice Queen, but she's old. Really old! Who was she before she was a queen? Was she a princess? Was there ever an Ice King? Well, outside of her creepy fan fictions, anyway? How did she even get so fox-tail crazy?
She slowly resurfaced from her thoughts, eyes trailing along the battle damage running up and down the queen's body. Purple blood had dried and formed painted patterns along the curve of her cheek and down the front of her chest. Her arms were laced with long cuts and scratches, probably from the impact against the trees after she was thrown from the volcano. A deep blue bruise had taken root on the inside of one thigh.
Maybe I should get these wounds cleaned up, Fionna mused. I mean...do I really have anything better to do while I wait for that food? It'd probably be the good, heroic thing to do. Ew, but that means I'll see all of her kibbles and bits. I don't need none of that jazz!
She smacked her lips.
...guess I've seen worse, being an adventurer and all. If I can handle going headfirst down a giant cockroach's gullet, I can sure as donk handle Ice Queen's bubble bags.
After another moment or two spent wrestling against her internal apprehension, she went and grabbed a towel from the bathroom across the hall, moistened it with unsurprisingly cold water from the tap, then returned to the bedroom.
She put the towel to the queen's face, gently rubbing away the caked blood from beneath her eyes. It felt a little surreal to be the one cleaning up this sort of mess when she was usually the one to cause it.
She frowned as she slicked both of the queen's long, silken eyebrows. Why am I even helping her out at all? she asked herself. I shouldn't be helpful here, I should be hating her for all the nasty, creepy things she's done to me!
She automatically moved to wiping down the neck and chest. No, I'm doing what I should be doing. I'm being a good hero. I'm helping her get back on her feet so she doesn't die. At least until I've fulfilled her request for my hand in heroics. She asked for it, and I'm honor-bound to see this through to the last little bit!
She followed a long gash down the queen's neck until disappeared beneath her tank top. Fionna took note that pulling it off over her head would get caught and tangled in her boundless hair, so she grabbed it on either side of the seam beneath the arm and pulled apart hard, tearing a full line from top to bottom. Snapping the straps over her shoulders, Fionna proceeded to remove Ice Queen's top entirely. She followed suit with the fancy, lace-trimmed bra beneath, casting both to the floor.
See, this is no big deal, she told herself as she laid the queen back down on her back and resumed cleaning the purple gash. Nothing you haven't seen or even dealt with before. I don't even know why you even thought to make a big deal out of it in the first place. They're just lady lumps. Heh. They're even kind of cute; little icy blue nubs poking up out of a pair of snowballs. It's like her body was making tiny snowmen on her chest, and used icicles for noses.
Now she was stifling a giggle. With Ice Queen out cold and half-naked, she found herself much more comfortable. Perhaps it was just because she was exhausted and tired, and lady lumps were just the sort of arbitrary thing that made her light-headed head all kinds of giddy. Or maybe it was because now she could see that underneath all the pomp and deception and seduction, the queen was really no more than just another girl, same as Fionna.
Well, older, but still generally the same.
And for the first time possibly ever, Fionna smiled in the presence of the queen. A true, sincere smile; no malice or false pretenses to be found. She felt calm and in control, and such serenity gave her the peace of mind to smile. Granted, there was a part of her brain still screaming that there was something wrong with this scenario. But for right now, she felt as though she didn't even need to listen to it anymore. She felt relaxed. Completely at ease.
I really have nothing to worry about here, do I? she thought. For once, I have my enemy in total submission, just me and her and no one else. I could literally do anything to her I wanted to, and she's got no power to stop me. She can't grab me, she can't zap me, can't even get all weird and into it like she sometimes does! I could smack her around, or draw on her face, or heck, I could even...
She paused, then looked back over her shoulder. Cake was still in the kitchen. She focused again on the queen's gently snoozing face. There was such a peaceful, serene aura about her that Fionna couldn't stop wondering about. To think that someone who could be so vicious and downright crazy would actually sleep like a normal, genuine person...in that moment, anyone could have believed that she WAS, in fact, a normal person.
Shivering for a moment, Fionna sat up on the edge of the bed. It couldn't hurt, right? Just one, while she was asleep. The opportunity was too good to pass up.
I'm supposed to hate you, she thought, pulling herself all the way onto the bed and sitting perpendicular against the queen's leg, hugging her knees. You're supposed to be my enemy, but there's one thing that I know I like about you. And I can't believe it's come to this, that the only way I can admit I like it is by sneaking up on you when you're asleep. I can only show you when you aren't looking. That's probably not a good sign.
I know I shouldn't do this. This has to be wrong. Why else would that little voice be telling me to back it off now? Why else would CAKE be telling me to back it off now? It can't lead to anything good! I really shouldn't!
...but for whatever reason, I know this is what I want. I want this, and right now might be my best and only chance to get it. It doesn't HAVE to be a bad thing, right? It's just one. And she'll never even know I did it. Just think of it like payback for all the times she jumped me when I didn't want any. It's an eye for an eye...only, y'know...less painful.
And it has to be now. There's no better time.
I'm gonna do it.
She reached over and grabbed the queen's shoulder for balance, straddling her belly and shifting herself up face to face. The queen was breathing so slowly, especially compared to her own quickened breath. Her heart sped up to match rhythm. She licked her lips. Closed her eyes. Slowly pressed forward. Lips touched colder lips.
CLACK CLACK CRUSH CRUNCH CRACK!
Something was scrambling around on the other side of the wall, in the living room. Something big. Cake shouted something from the kitchen, which was followed by the clatter of silverware.
In an instant, Fionna had barrel-rolled off of the bed and dashed out into the hall, frustrated and red-faced. She rounded the corner to the living room in time to see a polar bear lumbering past her, heading straight into the kitchen.
It groaned and stumbled as it crashed into a counter full of dishes. Cake caught a mixing bowl in mid-air and tossed it aside as the bear stumbled its way around the area, grunting in a panicked and disorienting way.
"How'd this bum even get in here?" Cake growled, suppressing the bear with her hand as it thrashed around, claws scraping against the glass-ice floors. "I thought you were keepin' your eyes open, girl!"
"I...I turned my back for like two seconds, okay!" Fionna shouted, reaching for sword. Her eyes went wide when she realized that it was gone. Thinking quickly, she leapt onto the bear's back end as it wriggled its way out of Cake's hand and swerved back out into the living room area.
"Don't let go!" Cake shouted, dashing after them.
The bear pummeled its way back out and down the hall, scattering penguins left and right. Many of them took refuge in the bathtub, watching over the rim as the monster staggered further on. It slammed its body full-weight against the walls in an attempt to knock Fionna off. The walls cracked and tiny showers of powder snow fluttered down from the ceiling, but Fionna was not swayed.
Cake rushed up from behind and threw her arm out to lasso the beast. Missed. The end of the hall was approaching fast, and the bear showed no signs of slowing down. Fionna pulled back on its head, trying to steer away from the gleaming wall of ice at the end. The bear shook its head, moaning and holding course.
Fionna shut her eyes tight, fingers spider-gripped the bear's neck. She grit her teeth. Her muscles tensed. She held her breath. She was thoroughly braced for the impending impact.
...an impact which never happened. There was no crash. No WHUMP sound. In fact, the only sound was the crisp whistle of cold air as it whisked over her ears. She opened her eyes.
The bear was still stumbling, shocked at the lack of bone-crunching impact, and crashed shoulder-first into a tall bookshelf. Fionna finally lost her grip and dropped to the floor, rolling out and away from the crushing bear feet and the rain of books. She took a moment - and only a moment - to take in her surroundings.
There were books. A LOT of them. On shelves. A LOT of them. The entire room was essentially one big wraparound bookshelf. Many other books lay scattered across the floor, sometimes in stacks, sometimes in piles, sometimes open, sometimes bookmarked, sometimes carelessly lying open and face-down. Only one small slab of wall was shelfless and bare, and it was directly behind her.
Fionna scrambled to her feet and took up a fighting stance, foot bumping into a pile of books. The bear groaned and heaved in place for a moment, then seemed to calm down slowly. It sniffed the pages of the nearest book. Fionna eyed it suspiciously.
The bear reached down and picked up the book between its teeth, then dashed back toward the blank patch of ice between the shelves. Fionna watched it run straight into the wall, disappearing completely. She blinked, then reached her hand out to touch the wall herself. Her fingers never made contact.
"An illusion wall, huh?" she said aloud. "Sneaky...very sneaky."
"Why's that psycho need an illusion wall in an ice cave?" Cake asked loudly, slipping through the wall herself. "You okay, Fi?"
She brushed the powder snow from her shoulders and adjusted her vest-like shirt for the umpteenth time that night. "I'm fine. Did you get the book?"
"What book?"
"The bear! He took a book like a crooked hook!"
"Okay," Cake replied dryly as she looked around the room. "So who exactly is going to miss one little book in a room like this?"
"Cake, what if that book was important! It could have been like, Ice Queen's diary or something!"
"How's that important? What, were you lookin' to dig up the dirt on her exes or somethin'?"
"What? No, I mean what if there was like...something important? Something she needed! A spell book or something! Something that gives her power!"
"That's stupid, Fi," Cake replied, kicking a loose book across the floor. "It was probably just another volume of crazy fan fiction, or like...a recipe book or some'n."
"Dude," Fionna said levelly as her adrenaline level began noticeably dropping, "If video games and folklore have taught me anything, that was actually some kinda mondopowerful book with power to destroy worlds or turn babies into gold or something, and that little dip is just stealing it to take back to some supreme higher power, and we're gonna be bumpershanked if we don't get it back, like, double-pronto!"
Cake walked and stretched herself up to eye level. "Fionna...look at my face. You see it? You gettin' a good, long eyefulla this? Can you tell, then, from lookin' upon this furry, fugly mug of mine, what my opinion of your crack theory is? Does THIS look like a face that wants to go trackin' down some polar bear in the livin' dead of night all just to see if the book in his mouth is some old hag's diary?!"
For a moment, Fionna had a strong urge to say something. She had a feeling in her gut that she was right, and that Cake was just letting her fatigue do the thinking for her. Then the gut feeling turned into a gut growl, and her own fatigue started doing some thinking for her.
"...yeah...yeah, okay. No chasing tonight. Gotta get some food and some sleep."
"That's RIGHT," Cake said as she put her paws on Fionna's shoulders, scooting her back through the illusion wall. "Now you go make sure Ice Queen's still a-okay, and I'll finish crackin' those midnight eggs. We'll do some investigatin' on THIS place after a good night's rest, yeah?"
"Mmm, eggs...yeah, okay. That ranks a Totes Okay on the Fionna scale."
"GOOD," Cake said firmly. "Now don't you do anything dumb with the queen, got it? Don't do anything she might do to YOU while YOU'RE asleep."
"Gurl, please," Fionna said, blood rushing to her cheeks. "I know better than that. I've at least got SOME self-control...glob."