Fionna's eyes flickered open. She licked the drool dripping from around her lips and pushed herself up on one arm. A penguin beneath her grunted and flipped itself over, settling back to sleep. She blinked a few times and rubbed the grainy, crusty things from her eyes.
Her head felt stuffy and hot, like she was being smothered with a pillow. Her eyes wanted to close again. She opened her mouth to let out a horrible dragon-breath yawn, stretching her jaw and her arms. She really wanted to go back to sleep. She wanted to sleep forever. Then she remembered where she had been sleeping.
A thick sea of penguins had formed around her and Cake some time in the night, basking them in a blanket of body heat and fish smell. So many squishy little faces, all of them asleep and all of them nearly identical, right down to their universal name, "Gertrude". The whole scene was heartwarmingly comfortable and slightly disgusting all at the same time.
Fionna rolled her head around, cracking her neck and scratching her chest. She looked down, noticing she'd cast away her torn shirt sometime in the night. A quick scan of the penguin sea did not reveal its present location. She yawned again and crossed her arms for extra warmth.
Oh yeah, she thought, head slowly clearing in the crisp air. I've got stuff to do today. Better check on the queen...
She snatched her hat from the ice sofa and instinctively reached for the sword on her belt as she tiptoed down the hallway. Her hand fumbled around her waist for a few moments before she remembered that the sword wasn't and couldn't be there anymore. She sighed and gritted her teeth, then cautiously peered around the corner into the queen's bedroom.
There she was, exactly where Fionna had left her the previous night. Motionless save for the gentle rise and fall of her bare chest with each cold breath. A rogue Gertrude had tucked itself up against her side, resting in the nook of her shoulder, snoozing softly.
A thin half-smile formed on Fionna's face. Enemy or not, there was nothing about this sight that wasn't adorable. Maybe even especially because it was her enemy she was looking at. A rare moment of vulnerability, purity and innocence all wrapped up like a deceptive birthday present with shiny purple bows on the outside and spring-loaded rubber snakes on the inside.
The half-smile turned into a half-frown. It wasn't fair of someone so twisted to appear so enticingly innocent like that. Especially when Fionna knew what this horrible person was capable of. How dare she toy with her emotions again! How dare she appear so harmless after all the heartstring puppetry she'd put her through already!
Clenching a fist, Fionna walked up to the bed, fully envisioning socking her hard on the jaw. She even got as far as pulling it back and taking aim before a sudden chill made her shiver noticeably. She quickly wrapped herself in her arms and stepped away. A bra and skirt was not a suitable outfit for an ice cavern.
She swept the room quickly for something whole to wear, settling on a fur-muffed bathrobe. At this point she didn't even care if the queen had worn it, as long as it warmed her up and wasn't underwear. It fit quite nicely, hanging all the way down to her ankles and warming her right up from the moment she'd slipped it on.
The silence of the place was soon broken by the sound of her stomach growling. She hadn't gotten nearly enough to eat last night, though Cake might have argued otherwise. She trudged her way into the kitchen, still rubbing her eyes and occasionally shaking her head to wake up.
Milk, eggs, butter, she noted, browsing through the refrigerator. Wait, this thing isn't even a refrigerator, is it? It's just a bookshelf with a door and a little light. It doesn't even need one of those chill thingies, the chill is just all-natural around here. Hmm, don't know why I didn't think of that...
She picked up an egg and held it to her face. "How do these things even work?" she muttered to no one in particular. Closing her hand around it, she smashed it against the countertop, yolk splattering out all over the robe and squishing in her palm. Yuck. She released the shell, letting it fall to the floor as she put her hand to her mouth and prodded it gently with her tongue. "Aw, gross, what is this? Bird snot? Where's the omelette?"
She flung the slimy egg white from her hand onto the floor and wiped her hand on the smooth, velvety surface of the robe. "Stupid eggs...I didn't want your delicious goopy centers anydangway!"
Spurred by hunger, Fionna began rummaging through a trunk on the floor, shoving aside slabs and stacks of frozen meat, ice cube trays, popsicle sticks. Surely there was SOMETHING in this kitchen she could eat without the arcane knowledges of preparation and cooking. She and her stomach both growled a little louder.
At last she found what appeared to be a box of fish-shaped crackers or cookies high up in a cabinet above the egg-slimed counter. Digging her greedy fingers into the box, she devoured them madly, glancing around protectively as she crunched each one loudly.
What are these things, anyway? she wondered, poking her tongue around inside her mouth in an effort not to waste a single crumb. They taste like little mouthfuls of dry cereal...oh poopsticks, are these like penguin munchies or something?
She looked at the box, which bore the label "Gerdie Trudies". She paused in mid-chew for all of one second before resuming, too insistently hungry to question or regret anything at this point.
The hungry beast sated at least as long as she held that box of crackers, Fionna's feet insisted they wander. Her mind followed suit, broken away from her feet and wandering on freely.
Things are still super messed up. Think about it, Fionna. You just had a sleepover in your enemies lair, you're wearing her clothes, getting cozy with her pets, and now you're doing the awkward thing where you wait for her to wake up because you're a dork and don't wanna wake her up yourself! What are you, her girlfriend or something?!
And that's not even all! You were on her bed, trying to sneak a kiss last night! Who the glob DOES that, anyway?! You know who? Girlfriends do that! You really gotta stop this, right here and now, before it turns into something really nasty. Cake's right, this is no good for you. You need serenity and stability in your life right now more than anything else!
At the very least, you at least need to figure out what she wants. Try to understand what her motives are, so you can shut 'em down. Yeah, that sounds right. Maybe I DO need a plan this time...maybe.
She kicked the floor as she ambled down the hallway, cursing herself for her attempted actions last night. In retrospect, she wondered what she had even hoped to accomplish with that kiss. Had she really thought it would make her feel better about the whole debacle? It certainly didn't feel that way now. Now she was just wondering about the benefits of punching herself hard in the stomach.
Before she realized it, she'd wandered right through the illusion wall at the end of the hallway and into the queen's secret library. She stopped in the center of the room, munching loudly on penguin snacks as she surveyed the room around her.
So many books in here, she thought. What kind of books does an evil ice hag even read? And why does she have so smacking many of them?
She arbitrarily pulled one from the nearest shelf and flipped through it. Predictably, there were no pictures, just intimidating walls of text. She tried to read a few snippets as she skimmed through the thin, brittle pages, piecing together a vague idea of its plot.
Okay, so there's these two wizards, and they're best bros...they're fighting a sorceress, and she's too powerful...but they have to kill her because blah blah...dude's afraid he won't live, so his bro kisses him and tell him it'll be alright...aww, that's cute...wait...what...NO, dude, what the glob? Seriously? You just kissed him to drain his power so you'd have enough to kill the sorceress? Well great job, ya snood! Now your bro-love is DEAD! Okay, then you kill the sorceress and take her place...and that's it? You're evil now? What kinda crampy book is this anyway! I shoulda known, freakin' Ice Queen...
She tossed the book in the corner, the loud thump echoing loudly within the restricted chamber. "That was a little louder than necessary," said a sleepy voice behind her.
"Oh, Cake," Fionna said, turning to the illusion wall, "When did you get up?"
"Just a minute ago," she replied, sipping something hot from the crystalline mug in her hand. "Figured you might try and start without me, ya little cockroach."
Fionna grunted and strode back across the room to a stack of books. "Just trying to see what's what around here, that's all."
"Nice robe," Cake added with a hint of distaste. "You ladies sharin' a wardrobe now?"
"Shush, you. I was cold and I didn't have a shirt."
"Mmhmm," Cake hummed, rolling her eyes. "So what kinda books are these, anyway?"
Fionna shrugged. "They're just dumb stories, lots of really big fancy words. I thought it was a gooshy love story at first, but it had a sad ending, so blah."
After another sip, Cake reached over to a nearby stack and plucked a book at random, flipping through the pages. "This one looks like a lot of math. There's all these numbers and question marks and-oh, hello naked people...yuck. Wait, hang on now, these are...are these plans for one of them people-suits she has? Like the Gumball suit?"
The bunny ears on Fionna's hat perked up. "What, really? Lemme see."
"Nope," said Cake, raising the book overhead and out of reach. "It's got naked people in it, you don't need to see THAT."
"Ugh, whatever,"she groaned. "Not like I've never seen a naked person before, mom."
Cake glared at her, placing the book on a much higher shelf. She opened her mouth to say something, then decided against it, taking a drink instead.
Fionna picked up another book and skimmed through it. "Aw what, it's another boring wordfest. How come you get the ones with pictures? Ugh. Anyway, let's see here...a couple gets lost in the mountains, surrounded by wing-wolves...one of them breaks his leg, tells the girl to go on without him, she refuses, blah blah, then they kiss and get...what the hey-hey, they both get eaten?! Ice Queen, what the plop kind of books are these anyway? They all have tragic endings!"
Cake snorted. "Says somethin' about her, don'tcha think? Hey, here's a spellbook!"
"Man, how come you find all the cool books!" Fionna whined.
"Hmm, some pretty basic stuff in here," she continued dismissively. "Hypnosis, barriers, fog covers...heh, there's even a whole section on trickster spells!"
"This one's another love diary," Fionna grumbled, "About a vampire and a princess...man, I can't read this, I don't even wanna know what horrible fate plagues them!"
Cake watched her throw the book to the floor and drained the remains of her mug. "Come on girl, lighten up. Hey, let's go try out some of these spells on old frostbutt. Maybe we'll turn her face into a frog or something cool like that!"
Fionna shrugged, then sighed. "Sure, why not. Beats digging through more sad romance books...".
Why are they all sad ones anyway? she thought as she shuffled her way through the illusion wall. I mean, I get the romance part, that part's totally Ice Queen, but why do they all end so badly? She can't WANT all that tragedy. No one wants to be alone and miserable, right? Isn't that why she thiefs away with dudes? ...or Fionnas? Blah. It just doesn't make any proper sense.
She tried to shake away her nagging thought cloud as she and Cake approached the sleeping beauty on the bed. "Holy macaroons, when did she start strippin'?" Cake asked in disgust, shielding her eyes. "Fionna, can you cover them blubber bumps up? Ugh. And do it with your eyes closed, for Glob's sake!"
Fionna snorted and dutifully scooped up a bra from the wreckage of clothes scattered carelessly on the floor. Taking care to avoid direct contact, she shivered as she came up close and personal with the queen's cold body. Deftly, she re-equipped her with said bra, though she didn't close her eyes as Cake instructed. She wouldn't admit it to anyone but herself, but there was something oddly tantalizing about the situation. About breaking a taboo like this, touching someone else's stuff. Or almost touching it, anyway.
"Alright miss squick, she's covered now," Fionna said, her eyes taking an extra moment to leave the queen's body. "What spell are we gonna cast on her?"
Cake leafed through a few pages before stopping to hover on one near the back of the book. "Hmm, I was gonna say let's do the one that makes her skin all flaky and itchy, but I'm pretty sure she's already got that covered, eh?"
Nope, completely wrong, Fionna's brain hummed. Wait, no. Shush, I don't know that. Not at all. Bad brain!
"So I think we should go with this one instead," Cake continued, her voice growing more serious. "It's a truth spell. We can ask her anything we want to, and she's gotta answer with some cold-turkey truth."
"That's all?"
"Well think about it, knuckle-noggin. What do you think we could use a spell like that for?"
She brushed the hair from her face and shrugged.
"It means we can ask her what her all these stupid love shenanigans are really about! We can get the answers you need, make a proper plan of action and then get the hexagon outta here!"
Fionna lit up with understanding and popped another penguin snack into her mouth. "Sweet teats, let's do it!"
"Alright then," Cake said as she studied the book closely, "Looks like this is an easy one to cast, too."
She kicked away the loose paper and clothes around her and stretched her arm out along the floor, twisting and curving it into a complex circle of runes and symbols. Standing in the center, she began the simple chant.
Fionna watched on in fascination, mouth busily munching. A vague, purple aura formed around the queen's body, conforming to her natural contours. It seemed brighter around her head than anywhere else.
"Okay, let's see if it works," she said, not moving from her place. "Ice Queen, can you hear me?"
The queen's head slowly rolled to one side, and her lips gently parted. "Ever shall the truth leave us unsnared," she mumbled, eyes still closed.
Cake beamed with satisfaction at a spell well-cast. "Okay, what should we-"
"Ice Queen, do you like me?" Fionna interrupted, stepping forward.
"Fionna..." the queen hummed, "...stop shutting me down already...I wasn't gonna hurt him, I just kidnapped him...why are you always such a hero?...stop peeing on my snowmen, you little troll...".
Fionna glanced over at Cake, who raised an eyebrow back. "...what the spanks is this all about? Is she like...dreaming or something?"
"Must be 'cause she's still asleep," Cake suggested. "Only way she can answer us is by sleep-talkin'. Well this oughtta be interesting...".
"That's dumb," Fionna huffed.
"...you hit me in the bubble bags! I kind of wish you wouldn't do that...not like YOU care about gaining the affections of the prince...no wait, don't leave...".
Fionna gave an exasperated groan. "Ugh, she's not even answering my question! You sure that's a real truth spell?"
"That's what it said!" Cake replied defensively. "Here, lemme try somethin' more straightforward then."
She leaned closer. "Ice Queen, are you plannin' to kidnap Prince Gumball again in the near future?"
The queen's head rolled slightly to one side. "Mmm, look at you, my precious little stick of gum...unh, I just wanna unwrap you, pop you in my mouth and blow you like a bubble...mmf, yeah...".
Cake pulled away from her in disgust as the babbling continued. "That's right, boy...take it off...wha-Fionna! What're you doing, get away! This is MY private show...you're just mad 'cause you aren't getting any, aren't you? No no, not the face! Fine, is that the way you wanna play this? Bring it on then...oww...my stomach...okay, enough! Kick me again and I'll puke on you, I swear it!"
"Well, this was a total waste of air," Fionna said, throwing her hands up. "I'm going back into that library. Bad romance books are better than listening to this scrap."
"What, you're just givin' up?"
"It's not worth it! There's no reason to keep trying something that's just plain broken!"
"Oh, and you think you're gonna find somethin' better in there, Fi? You honestly think there's some other book in that library that's gonna give us the results we're after?"
"...sure gave ME results..." the queen mumbled in the background.
Fionna crossed her arms and looked away, glaring a hole into the wall. "...no."
"Exactly," Cake continued, unwrapping her hand from the floor and stepping out of the spot where her circle had been. "You saw those books, they're nothin' but bad romances. Tragedies."
"Yeah, well those books suck."
"...in some they do..." the queen carried on.
"I know, I know," Cake continued with a sigh. "I don't know why anyone would ever wanna read that trash anyway. They're so upsettin', honestly. Only a wack hack like her would fill up a library with books where the hero falls in love with the wrong person, then gets...shanked...or killed...or left behind...".
Fionna glanced over to see her staring blankly at the floor, her brow furrowed. She seemed to be wrestling her thoughts.
"Cake, you okay?
There was a moment's delay before she looked up at Fionna. "...Fionna, what if you're one of the characters in those books?"
She took a step back, side-eyeing Cake. "...what, you think she wrote a tragedy about me in one of her bizarro boy/girl switcharoo stories?"
"No, no, not that. I mean like, doesn't it feel like you might be in a similar spot with Ice Queen? It's a bad romance story, unfoldin' right before our eyes."
The queen smacked her lips. "Wouldn't be the first...".
"Cake, what the trump?" Fionna groaned. "How is that even like anything going on right now? I'm not livin' a tragedy book with...HER! Why would you even think that?"
"Don't lie to yourself, Fi," Cake sighed. "We both know you got this...this attraction to the queen. You said it yourself."
"I did not!" Fionna protested. "All I said was that I like gettin' ice kisses! I told you, I'm not in love with this chunk of skunk! I'm not in love with anyone or anything! I got all of zero romantic aspirations right now!"
"Then why don't you wanna leave? Why are we still here at all?"
"Is it 'cause I'm such a pretty laaaaady?" mumbled the voice no one was listening to.
"Cake, you shut your scrub-talkin' mouth," Fionna growled, finger pointed at the cat's little nose. "I told you, and I told you hardcore. I'm not lovey-dovey with Ice Queen, and she's not lovey-dovey with me either! It's just all one big stupid brain trick she's pulling on me!"
"How do you KNOW that, Fi?" Cake continued, swatting her finger away.
"Because! She's a cold-hearted calculator that only knows how to do all the hard math! She can't understand having her emotions manipulated, she just sees them as another number in her stupid equation! If she really had feelings, she'd at least understand that being played with like this is absolute BUTTS! She'd understand that it's all so WRONG!"
"Oh, she HAS feelings, Fi. Believe me, I know it. She has 'em. You're both just not seein' 'em 'cause you're blinded by the hate!"
"Of course there's hate! That's all that's left when there's no good feelings!"
"Mm, but THAT's a good feeling...oh, Marshall...".
"Then why haven't we left yet?" Cake demanded, tossing the book aside. "If you hate her so much, why don't we just leave her to fend for herself? Tell me why you're avoidin' that question!"
Fionna bit down on her lip, resisting the urge to explode into a million tiny pieces. A vein in her forehead throbbed as she tried to bring order to the buzz of thoughts queueing up to leave her mouth. With a readily apparent strain, she finally answered, "I think...she might still be up to something. And I want to find out what it is."
Cake sniffed. "She's not just gonna up and tell you what her plan is."
"I know," Fionna responded, trying very hard to maintain her cool. "I want to stick around and try to learn more about her. Like, what's her deal, what's she been plotting, who even is she. Maybe she's pulled this kind of stunt in the past, I dunno. She's old, older than old, old as superballs. Who knows what kind of past she's had...".
"I might know..." the queen murmured, licking her lips.
The familiar frown of worry returned to Cake's face. "I still don't like it, Fi. Don't you already have enough of her in your brain? Isn't lyin' to you, disguisin' as your bud and gettin' all creepy-romantic with you, smoochin' you, killin' your fire buddy and sayin' she loves you already bad enough? You still wanna learn MORE? Look, I wanted to help you on this, but it's clear to me that you're settin' yourself up to get in some serious hurt if you keep this up!"
"Cake, stop it! Just stop it. I know what I'm getting into here, okay? I'm trying to be tactical about this, just like you taught me. I'm gathering secret intel and stuff!"
Cake shook her head. "It ain't that simple, baby. Ice Queen's gettin' all under your skin here. It's more than just a reagular tactical thing. This needs special undercover operations stuff. But right now, you gotta get the plop away from her before she does any more brain damage to your pretty little head!"
"But we already tried that!" Fionna wailed, stamping her foot. "We already tried ignoring her, and it didn't work! She just played my brain like your dulcimer and-"
"And YOU went after HER!" Cake interrupted. "She's TOYIN' with you, Fionna! She's gettin' inside your booger brain and MAKIN' you do whatever it is she wants!"
"Cake, will you stop roadblockin' me here?! I'm out of options! We tried everything else, the only thing we HAVEN'T done is find out more about her, play along, see where this REALLY goes!"
"Fionna, I KNOW more about her than I ever could want to," Cake retorted in low, seething tones. "And I for one do NOT need to know any more than I already do."
"Okay, fine, YOU know about her, but what about ME? I don't know hardly nothin' that doesn't come outta your mouth first, and hardly ANYTHING comes outta your mouth about her anyway! I still know almost NOTHING!"
"Oh come now, Fionna, you at least know what a good pancake-maker I am...".
"I'm doin' that for a reason, Fi! I'm makin' sure you don't get zapped in the butt any time you bend over!"
Fionna turned away and kicked the wall hard, steam all but puffing out of her nostrils. "But you aren't telling me everything," she growled. "You say you're protecting me, but you won't tell me what from. You just expect me to listen and do as I'm told! You're doing the same thing you say Ice Queen's doing to me...".
A protective scowl crossed Cake's face as she slowly stepped closer. "You think this is easy for me, Fionna? You think I'm just protectin' you for kicks and snickers? You gotta remember what I've been tellin' you all this time. Ice Queen was like a mother to me back then. I KNOW what I'm talkin' about when I tell you not to get involved. She's crazy and it ain't gonna end well!"
"So why don't you ever tell me more about that, Cake?" Fionna asked in a slightly softer voice. "Why won't you tell me what happened to make YOU hate her so much? I mean, if she was like a mom to you-".
"No, I ain't sayin' nothin' more about it," she grunted. "I told you what she did. I told you what I did. That's all you need to know about that."
"Oh come ON!" Fionna said, anger returning. "If you loved the queen, or if she loved you, there might be something we could learn from that! We might have an edge if we know what her deal is! Spill the soup, girl!"
"I ain't spillin' nothin'!" she hissed. "That's all in the past! Ice Queen was different back then, and nothin' she or I said to each other is gonna change a frumpin' thing! Come on Fionna, we're gettin' outta here, right now!"
"That's right, go on and leave me, Cupcake..." the queen muttered. "...again."
"Cake, you're being a wad again!" Fionna shouted. "I need your help! I want you to talk to me about what happened between you two! This is kind of important!"
"I said no!" Cake shouted back, even louder. "Why can't you listen to me anymore, Fionna? Why are you so intent on figurin' the queen out? Oh wait, that's right. It's cause YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH HER!"
"CAKE! I swear to Grod, if you say that one more time...!"
"You'll what?" Cake growled, thrusting herself inches from Fionna's face, teeth bared. "Hit me? GO AHEAD and we'll SEE what happens then!"
Glaring back into her eyes, Fionna puffed herself up and pushed Cake back. "Back off, sister. I think I just figured out what the problem is. You're afraid."
"Of you?" she snorted. "Girl, you got some grand delusions if you think that's the case...".
Fionna rolled her eyes. "You're afraid of your feelings. You don't wanna talk about what happened with her because you're afraid of whatever happened."
"Shut up."
"There IS more to the story, isn't there! More you aren't telling me 'cause YOU don't wanna think about it!"
"Fionna, I'm gonna slap your buns into next Tuesday if you don't shut it off RIGHT NOW!"
"Don't leave me out of this, I wanna slap Fionna's buns too...".
"Ooh, look at me, I'm Cake, and I don't wanna talk about the Ice Queen cause I'm a BIG STUPID DORK!" Fionna chanted, dancing and twirling the sash of the queen's robe.
"FIONNA!" A crack emerged in the wall under the thunder of Cake's voice.
"Ooh, now look, I'm Fionna and I'm gonna go live with the queen forever now, oooh!" she continued taunting. "Watch this, I'm gonna go punch Ice Queen in the mouth...my MY mouth!"
"Oh, don't mind if you do," the queen crooned, puckering her lips.
"Will you shut up already, Queenie?" Cake bellowed.
"No," the queen sassed, a smile forming on her lips.
"Ugh, how do you shut that idiot spell off, anyway?" Cake snatched the book back up and started flipping through the pages rapidly.
"You can't," the queen continued.
"What? Why not?" Fionna asked, staring at her sleeping face suspiciously.
The smile widened even further. "A spell must be properly CAST before you can break it...".
Expressions of surprise, suspicion, alarm and anger slowly flowed across Fionna and Cake's faces as they realized the purple aura that had been shining from the queen's face was no longer present.
"...has she been awake this whole time?"
Propping herself up on one elbow, Ice Queen shook out her hair and adjusted the tiara, her grin sparkling like diamonds. "Oh yes, very much so...".