Clock. Clock. Clock.
The echo of heavy winter boots against the solid ice floor became louder and louder, banging out a precise rhythm not at all unlike the rhythm of the very thing they sounded like. And after so many passing seconds, the clocking stopped and was replaced by an exhausted but triumphant "I'm back, you guys!"
Cake's head rose up and over the back of a tall chair and oozed down until her face aligned with the owner of the voice's. "'bout time, Fifi. What took ya so long?"
"Meh," Fionna said with a shrug. "It's been a little while since my last real dungeon crawl, I guess. I was fat and out of practice."
"Did you at least get it?" the queen asked from the ice couch, legs crossed and an open book lying page-down on the table in front of her.
Fionna held up her own book. "Pretty sure this is the right one. I think it's got bite marks on the cover, though."
With some noticeable wincing, the queen stood up and walked over to her. "Not a particularly big problem, I suppose. Polar bears can be so uncouth about these things."
She brought herself up close to take the book and looked Fionna squarely in the eye, speaking low. "...did you have to do the deed?"
Her brow furrowed and she crossed her arms in response. "I was gonna ask you about that...you made it sound like he was gonna be some kinda ultra demon oracle monster, but he was literally a pop-top pushover! Why did you act like I absolutely HAD to kill him?"
"So you DID do it, then…?" the queen asked, a bit suspiciously.
Fionna grabbed the ears of her hat and pulled them below her chin. "Bluh, don't say it like that...you told me he swiped your big important book, so I was gonna steal it back, right? And I was all ready to tussle for it if I had to, cause I know how bears can get so tussle-happy, but then he's just this little wussy white guy here and he just...I didn't actually, really, technically…he shoulda just...he did it all himself, you know what I mean?"
She jammed her hands into the pockets of her second-skin coat and stared awkwardly at the floor. "I didn't do nothin' I haven't done before…".
An oddly thoughtful look crossed the queen's face as she flipped the book open and skimmed through its pages. Fionna drummed her fingers on her arm, glancing around room and pretending she wasn't still feeling uneasy about the whole thing. She felt sweaty and uncomfortable, though that may have been due to the way the second skin threw off her senses.
Something still felt wrong, anyway. She'd completed her quest, but something inside her head told her it wasn't over yet. That anticlimactic boss battle couldn't have been the end of it.
"Soooo," she said, wondering also if it wasn't just the bear incident she was feeling apprehensive about, "...did you guys find some things to talk about while I was gone?"
"Mhm," the queen nodded.
"Nope," Cake replied flatly.
"Oh good," Fionna said, a bit louder than she meant to. "I deffo sure wasn't hoping for a crystal clear answer on that or anything. Thanks for gettin' me all back up to speed on you two's misadventures. Oh, and thanks for the hero's welcome, too! Really great to see you guys again after my crazy ice cave labyrinth ordeal! You're welcome for the book, queenie-pants! I worked really hard to get it back just for you!"
"Exactly," said Cake, sidling up beside her and grabbing her hand. "So okay then, that's enough of that, right? Come on Fionna, let's get the heck outta this frozen hole. For good...".
"Wait...hang on, Cake," Fionna replied, tugging back. Gears in her brain were still turning. "We haven't been officially dismissed."
"Who the bunk cares? I want out of here. My tail's all snowbound and stiff, and this floor is hard murder on my little toesies. Let's get back out into the real world."
"Not yet!" Fionna resisted, twisting her hand free. "Ice Queen, uh, are we good here? I got the right book, there's nothin' wrong with it? Is my mission completed?"
The queen closed the book and nodded. "I was just checking for missing pages or scribbles in the page margins. Vandalism is even worse a crime than theft, never you forget it."
"Good advice," Cake said with an eye roll. "Alright, no more manners. We're leavin'. NOW."
Fionna again had to wrestle her hand free from Cake's grip, this time putting her foot into it. "Let GO, Cake! We still can't leave yet!"
"The plop we can't!" Cake shouted back. "We're LEAVING, Fionna! It's time to say goodbye! Play time is OVER!"
"LET! GO!" Fionna yelled, yanking her arm free and tumbling back onto the floor. The queen knelt down to help her up.
"Alright girl, what's the matter with you?" Cake demanded. "I thought you said as soon as we help old Bluebeard, we get the heck back home. Why you makin' me wait?"
Fionna pushed the queen's hand away and picked herself up. Her brain was shouting at her now, she couldn't leave yet. Something was still missing. She tried to think up an excuse to stall.
"Because…" she started, brushing off her magic-fabricated snow pants. "...b-because I'm still wearing the Fionna suit!"
"Oh, right," the queen said, stroking her chin. "Yes, I'll definitely be wanting that back."
"Oh no you don't," Cake interjected, stepping in between them. "Fi, you give her that thing back and she'll just use it to slip us up again, gettin' all freaky disguise-y when we ain't lookin'! Fool me once, queenie, fool me once!"
"Well I definitely don't wanna keep it on, Cake…" Fionna said, rolling her eyes. Gotta stall...can't leave yet...
"Well tough bismarcks baby, 'cause you're gonna need something to wear on our trip back home," Cake said, adding a certain pointed weight to the last word. "Which is where we're goin', pronto. You can't climb down an ice mountain in your skivvies, or did you forget that's all you had on under all that?"
"Then let her wear my robe," the queen said, pulling the string around her waist. "I was getting a little warm, anyway."
"Hup hup hup! You keep that thing ON!" Cake insisted, pinching the robe shut.
"Cake, what's the matter with YOU?" Fionna asked, crossing her arms and looking for an excuse to accuse someone else of acting weirder than she was. "Why are you acting so donk all of a sudden?"
She received a sharp glare in response, complete with pouty lower lip and sharp tooth sticking out. But the glare eventually softened and Cake released the robe, slinking back over to the chair and slumping down angrily. Fionna shook her head and turned again to the queen.
"Yeah, I'll take that robe," she said with a nod. Can't leave yet...keep thinking...
"Shall I do a little dance for you while I take it off?" the queen replied mockingly, her familiar, snarky grin finally reappearing.
"Whatever tickles your pickles," Fionna responded with a dismissive hand wave. "And don't get any ideas about peepin' my bits while I change."
So tell me, oh mighty brain of mine, she said to herself as she turned away from the queen and reached behind, fumbling for the seam in the suit. If this is the end of my mission, and my hero's oath has been totally fulfilled, why CAN'T I go home? What's stopping me? After all I've been through, I should be so lucky to finally get back to the easy-breezy life, right?
Cold air whisked inside as she opened the seam, a shiver running up her spine and down her legs. She hastily stepped out of the suit, tossing it behind and groping around for the queen's traded robe at her feet.
But then again, if I go home, what's to stop that crystal-witch behind me from following me back and mucking up my head some more? I never did make an actual plan to deal with her. I've spent all this time taking care of her, doing favors and all that, but I still don't even know how I'm gonna "take care" of her. I still don't have a plan of action...I just need more time to think of one! I gotta hang around a little longer...
She cleared her throat as she tied up the robe at the waist and turned around to face the queen again. She forced her eyes not to wander over all the visible blue skin, focusing on eye contact.
"NOW can we go, miss ambassador?" Cake asked impatiently, sitting up.
Fionna opened her mouth, then stopped. Her eyes flashed as the lightbulb in her brain flickered on. "...no! No, we still can't leave yet!"
"What, why not?!"
"Because I never got a replacement sword!"
Cake's eyes narrowed and her fingers slowly converged into thick, spiky fists. "...a sword? Are you for flippin' serious right now? A SWORD? Fionna, you probably got thirteen swords back at the treehouse! What the beeswax makes you think you need another one?!"
"Ice Queen said I'd find myself a replacement sword in the labyrinth," Fionna said, matter-of-factly. "And I never found one. I got ripped off!"
"And," she said, putting a finger over Cake's open mouth, "I want a GOOD sword to replace the crystal one I lost to Flame Prince! Not one of those low-level vending machine swords we get from monsters all the time. I want one of those super rad legendary treasure kinda swords!"
"You'll get one later!" Cake growled, smacking Fionna's arm away. "Fi, I wanna go home. My butt's gettin' numb from all this sittin' around. Don't you wanna go home too?"
"Nope, I want a sword first!"
"FIONNA!"
"Don't yell at me, Cake! I want a gob-flippin' sword!"
"Oh, I'll GIVE you a sword!" Cake threatened, her arm morphing into the appropriate shape.
"You'll GIVE me a break!" Fionna shouted back, dropping into her defense stance.
"Hey!" The queen stepped in, pulling the two of them apart. "No bloodshed in my living room! Fionna, on the couch! Cake, get in the chair!"
"Shut up and don't touch me again," Cake hissed, slinking back into the chair with the ugliest sneer she could muster.
The queen tossed her hair back, pinched the bridge of her nose and took a breath. "Now then. Let's try solving this with a little Ice Queendom Diplomacy. Fionna, you said you want to stay here so you can get yourself a new sword. But as you can see, I don't have any swords here."
"Bull poopies!" Fionna retorted. "You gave me a crystal sword before! You gotta have other ones lying around here somewheres!"
"As you can see though," she gestured to the room, "I don't stockpile. Swords clutter up the place if you don't have the right kind of space to store them. That crystal sword was a one-of-a-kind handmade gift."
"Handmade? Really?"
"Yes." The queen turned to Cake. "And now Cake, you said you want to go back to the-"
"You can make swords?" Fionna interrupted, mind buzzing. "Like, not just ice blades?"
The queen sighed. "Yes. Yes I can. Ice or otherwise, crystals are crystals, and when you know crystals like I do, everything just clicks into place. It's not exactly magic science. Now, again, Cake said she wants-"
"Then why don't you just make me another one?"
"Fionna," Ice Queen huffed. "It is completely impolite to interrupt me when I'm playing mediator, don't you think?"
"Who made you my defense attorney, anyway?" Cake grumbled. "And since when are you any kind of meditator? You seem more like the executioner type, if you ask me...".
"Mediator," the queen corrected. "I'm a queen, I play diplomat here in the kingdom on a daily basis!"
"Yeah, to buncha stinky penguins," Cake muttered.
"Ice Queen?" Fionna said patiently, raising her hand.
"Yes, Fionna?" came the testy reply.
"If you won't make me a sword, then will you teach me how to make one myself?"
Ice Queen stared back at her silently for a moment. Fionna kept eye contact, daring her to make a move while simultaneously wondering how her long eyebrows arched the way they did.
At last, the queen responded with a simple "Why?"
"Because!" Fionna said with an exasperated sigh. "I just gotta have a sword! If I'm gonna be the proper hero I know I am, I need one! It's a necessary part of my ensemble! It's like I'm not even a hero without one!"
"Fi…" Cake started.
"I'mma just be flat honest here," Fionna continued, standing up and pacing around. "Swords are super important to me. I don't just like 'em 'cause they're neat, or because they help me bash the bottoms of bumbling baddies...they're legit a part of who I am! I've always had a sword. And I kinda feel nakers without one."
She locked eyes with Ice Queen again. "Queenie, that crystal sword you gave me - well, I guess that you MADE for me - it was just ACE. That was the coolest, smoothest sword I've ever had the pleasure of swinging. It was everything I've ever loved about swords, all in one...and now it's gone, and I feel like dookie without it."
She sat back down on her hands, looking at the floor. Whether it had been an excuse to stick around or a heartfelt confession of character, she really did feel incomplete at the moment. And she really couldn't think of any better excuses to hang around the queen's cave any longer.
"It's really that important to you, baby?" Cake finally asked. "Important enough that you gotta postpone my reunion with the soft grass between my toes and marshmallow pillows under my tired head? Fionna, I didn't wanna hang around here any longer than we needed to, and guess what? We don't NEED to be here another two seconds!"
"Then go on home without me!" Fionna blurted out. "Er, I mean...you don't HAVE to stick around, ya know. This really is really important to me, really, and I'm just...I'm gonna stay here."
Cake inhaled slow and deep, then sighed, slower and deeper. "If you PROMISE me you'll be done after you make your sword, I'll stay. I won't make you walk home alone."
"Cake, you don't have to…"
"BUT, only if you're sure we can go the heck home once you're done!"
"Totally," Fionna glossed, relieved to have found a way to prolong her stay without any trouble. "We won't take hardly any time at all...uh, will we, queenie?"
"Not too long, I suppose," the queen said, rubbing her nose. "Making a sword is honestly an entire art form in itself, one that can take years to get any good at, but anyone can just straight-up make one if they have even a little patience."
"Good, perfect," Fionna said, grabbing the queen's wrist and giving her a rather not-patient push from behind. "Let's go do it then, right now. The quicker the better, for the sake of our Cake."
"Yeah, you go on and make your stupid sword," Cake said, waving them off. "I'm just gonna sit here on the couch and count every hair on my foot 'til you get back."
"You don't wanna come watch?"
"No thank you," she replied, a bit coldly. "I don't wanna be around HER any more than I have to. Bein' alone just sounds hecka better right now. Don't worry, just come scoop me up when you care...to get outta here, I mean."
Fionna's expression fell for a moment. She hadn't accounted for Cake feeling left out. She didn't want to wrestle with it, though. Maybe it didn't quite sit well with her, but she still felt justified in sticking around anyway. She took a deep breath and straightened back up.
"We'll be back, then." She again turned to the queen. "Come on Eyebrows, let's do this thingy. Where we goin'?"
Pulling her arm free, Eyebrows straightened her hair and cleared her throat. "I have a special chamber down below for this sort of thing."
"Great then, giddyap!" Fionna said, smacking the queen's rump. There was a very faint snickering sound from the couch that neither of them noticed.
The queen frowned in response, but it soon melted into her usual mischievous grin. She took the lead into the kitchen, adding a bit of completely unnecessary extra swivel to her hips. Fionna followed closely behind, eyes closely following the queen's behind. On the far side of the kitchen, past the ice stove and blocky refrigerator was a door cut into the wall she somehow hadn't noticed before. Beyond it, the floor gave way to carved steps leading down into a darker corridor.
"Man, why you got so many secret passages in here, queenie?" Fionna asked, keeping one hand to the wall for balance. "You must've really been into mazes when you built this place."
"I'd hardly call this a secret," the queen said, also putting a hand to the wall. "I just very rarely come down to my basement like this."
"Basement? Is that all it is?"
"More or less," she replied. "Watch yourself, the steps are slippery down here."
Squish. Squish.
"Eww, what the heck is this stuff? Penguin poop?"
Ice Queen sighed. "No, I just told you, the steps are slippery. It's slush."
"Slush? I thought your whole palace was made of hard icy stuff that doesn't get slippery. Like glass ice or something."
"Well, in case you didn't notice, things are a little warmer down here."
Fionna stopped and smelled the air. She was right, even though the air was still cool, it felt much thicker down here. There was a certain moisture and weight to it now.
"So what IS down here in your basement, exactly?"
"I installed a furnace down here quite some time ago," the queen explained, wiping sweat from her forehead and slowing her descent a bit. The bruises on her body were already beginning to sting as the air continued to warm up.
"Like a REAL furnace? A fire furnace?"
"Yes…" she coughed.
Fionna stepped forward past her. "You okay?"
"I'm fine," she answered automatically, pushing past. "It's just really hot down here, that's all. Hot like your bod."
Fionna chose to ignore that remark. "You sure you're okay? You're getting all sweaty. Lemme help you or something."
"Don't bother, we're already here," the queen said, brushing Fionna away.
At the bottom of the steps, the room opened up into a small domed chamber, lit dimly by a slow, pulsing blue light from the walls. An old furnace made of cracked and degrading stone took up about half of the floor space, heat pouring out of it in thick, ugly waves. It smelled harshly of coal and probably sulfur, which Fionna so eloquently described as "egg farts". Along the opposite side of the room was a mold block and a makeshift stone anvil, and a number of shelves clung to the wall, each filled with colorful fragments of assorted crystals and blocky ingots of various minerals and ores.
"Oh, so this is like a blacksmith's shop, isn't it?" Fionna asked, running her hands over the shelves.
"That is generally how swords are made, yes," the queen said, panting a bit. "Let's get this over with, it's disgustingly hot down here. First you'll need to select a good crystal from the shelf."
"This one," Fionna said, picking up a long purple spike without any hesitation.
"Not just the first one you get your grubby fingers on," the queen said sharply, snatching it out of her hand. "You've got to choose more carefully. Pick the one that feels the most right in your hands. This is absolutely integral for crafting the perfect-"
"Okay, this one then," Fionna said, picking up a heavy block of turquoise.
"Fionna, I feel like you're not taking this seriously..."
"I am taking it seriously, queenie," Fionna lied. "I just...never have to think too hard about these things. I know what feels right the minute I get my mitts on it. This is totally the one. For realsies."
The queen glared back, trying to gauge whether or not she believed her. "...fine, then. Go grab the bucket and the fork next to the furnace, and I'll explain what we're going to do."
Fionna obediently fetched the tools and laid everything out on the floor before the queen.
"First, you're going to superheat the crystals," the queen instructed. "So place them gently in the bucket, open the furnace door, and use the fork to stick the bucket right in the furnace's nasty mouth."
Fionna did just that, the thick hot air of the oven blasting out and choking the room. The queen hid her face behind a bush of her hair. Even Fionna was sweating by this point, the heavy robe certainly not helping matters.
"So we just burn the crystals?" she asked, drawing her hand back quickly after closing the hot stone door of the furnace. "How does that make a sword?"
"Come now Fionna, you can't be this stupid," the queen said, slinking back against the stairs and fanning herself with one hand. "You're going to superheat them until they melt into an ugly, goopy liquid form."
"Oh, so we're melting it just like ice?"
"A very apt analogy, yes. Now go over to the bellows pump on the side."
"This?" she asked, grabbing the iron handle jutting out of the side of the furnace.
"Yes, that," the queen said, lounging further back to keep as far away from the heat as she could. "Pump that up and down. And be careful, it's heavy."
Gripping the handle tightly, Fionna pushed up without much strain at all. She raised an eyebrow and brought it smoothly back down, all the way down past her knees. She looked back over at the queen questioningly. "...am I...doing it right?"
The queen nodded, tilting her head to the side. "Don't break your arms or anything, you just need to pump it a few times."
Fionna shrugged and pushed up again. The lever moved quite easily for such an old device. Pulling down seemed to be a bit harder than going up, but it still didn't take as much effort as the queen made it sound like. She was definitely working up a smelly sweat now, but she attributed that mostly to the thick heat hovering in the air.
"Clearly you have no idea what you're talkin' about," Fionna said, squatting and jerking the lever upward. "This isn't heavy at all!"
The queen snorted, putting one leg up. "Not all of us are quite as strong as you are, I suppose…".
"Aww, whatsa matter, freeziepop? Someone got a little muscle envy goin' on?"
"Hardly," the queen said, closing her eyes and uncomfortably wiping moisture from beneath the strap of her bra. "But as you may very well remember, I don't exactly fare well when faced against things of a more hot and fiery nature, such as furnaces and princes made of fire."
"Ha ha, wimpy baby can't stand gettin' sweaty," Fionna teased, bouncing up and down with the bellows.
"Unsightly sweating aside," the queen said, collapsing against the stairs and splaying her limbs out, "Too much heat is quite dangerous for ice witches. I nearly passed out from heat exhaustion while making your old sword, I'll have you know…".
Fionna slowed down, then came full stop for a moment. "You did?"
"There's a reason I don't come down here very often to make weapons…" she continued in a low voice, eyes closed. "Why kill myself making a crystal sword when an ice blade will do just fine?"
Fionna's eyes retreated into a blank stare for a few moments as she imagined the queen working herself to near-death. Putting herself in the thick of danger to make a perfect crystal sword, all for Fionna's own sake.
Or maybe she just did it for the thrill, like she keeps saying, Fionna thought glumly.
"Of course, I couldn't just give YOU an ice blade though, could I?" the queen continued, lounging even further back, still fanning away. "You'd have seen right through my Gumball disguise if I'd done that. If I wanted my little ruse to work, I knew I'd have to go all-out for you. It sure is a thrill, daring to make something for your favorite enemy, almost killing yourself in the process, just to see that look of pure excitement in her eyes, and to know that you've won…".
The furnace make a loud crackling sound that popped Fionna back into the moment. "Oh hush up, you! And close your legs up or something, geez, nobody wants to see that…".
With an effort and a loud groan, the queen pulled herself back up into a sitting position, elbows on her wide-apart knees. "That's probably enough bellowsing, let's check and see what our beautiful crystals look like now."
Fionna wiped the sweat from her brow on the big fluffy muff of the queen's robe. The heat was bound to cook her alive like a burrito if the sword took much longer to craft.
No! she shouted mentally. No food metaphors or your belly beast's gonna wake up crazy starving!
She quickly opened the furnace door and stabbed at the stone bucket with the fork, catching it under the handles and pulling it back out slowly. It felt a lot heavier now, and thick steam billowed out from the top, making her cough and sputter.
"Set it on the molding table," the queen said, pointing with one hand and shielding her face with the other. She was not only holding back the steam, but hiding the grimace of pain on her face. She knew she shouldn't agitate her scars like this, but some inexplicable feeling was compelling her to stick around and teach Fionna to make herself a sword.
Why am I helping her at all? she wondered. What is there to be gained out of this? Fionna's trust? I'll never fully have that, there's no way I'll ever truly gain Fionna's trust. So what's keeping me from walking away and leaving all of this alone? And maybe more importantly, why is Fionna so insistent on sticking around?
"It definitely looks like goop soup," Fionna announced, peering into the bubbling bucket. "It's a weird, slimy blue sludge-shake."
"Good, that's precisely what we want. Now, very carefully, pour that into the mold so that it takes the shape of a sword."
Fionna did as instructed and watched the liquid crystal settle into place.
"Now, as soon as it settles, take the hammer and start banging out any lumps you see. Make the blade as smooth as you can get it."
She took up the hammer and began pounding on it.
"Not so hard, and slow down a bit," the queen advised, making a move to stand up and help, then collapsing again due to the heat. "You can't rush this part."
"Ugh, it's so hot in here though," Fionna said, again wiping her brow on the sleeve of the robe. "Can't we do this somewhere that isn't a freakin' oven?"
"No, if you cool the sword before it's ready, you might ruin the shape and you won't be able to fix it!"
Fionna continued pounding, getting more and more noticeably agitated. "So what if it's a little lumpy! Is it really worth being totally unable to breathe down here?"
"Welcome to my world, bunny girl!" the queen snapped back. "And yes, the shape is critical, if you want the sword to function properly!"
"Guh, if I keep this up, then I'M gonna pass out from heat exhaustion…".
The burning didn't let up. The engulfing heat was starting to feel a little too familiar. Her skin began to tighten up with phantom memories of searing fire pain.
"YRRAAAHH!" she yelled as she yanked the robe off and cast it to floor, grateful skin immediately feeling relieved. Even if the air was still hot and clammy, as long as it moved and breathed across the bare patches of her skin, she felt much more at ease. Her breathing slowly settled to normal.
"...well that was a little dramatic," the queen said, rolling her eyes.
"Shut up," she said over her shoulder. "And don't make it weird."
She only received a shrug in response. "We're on equal ground here, anyway...".
Wow, she actually DIDN'T make it weird, Fionna thought, letting her arm and hammer go into autopilot mode. That was unexpected. I really hope she's not just playing me again right now...man, how would I even know if she was? She really seems exhausted. I wonder if she's still sleepy, or if she's just hiding and biding her time to be a subtle plotty-pants again? Heh, pants...she's not even wearing any...
She found herself glancing back out of the corner of her eye, running slowly up the queen's legs, over her belly, straight up the middle of her chest and right over her neck up into her overcast, snowy eyes. The queen was watching back idly, still attempting to fan herself. She caught Fionna's eye and managed a grin.
"See something you like?" she asked, splaying a little wider.
"I should ask you the same thing," Fionna grumbled, turning away and banging on the sword once more.
"Well, if you are asking, I am a bit impressed with your mighty gun show," she said. "And I like how you've really been working those lumps."
"Huh?" she asked, pausing to look up and down the blade. "Which lumps?"
The queen rolled her wrist and pointed to Fionna's chest with a flourish.
"Har har," she said with a toss of her head. "Are we done here, or do I need to pummel you with this hammer?"
"Fine, fine, you want to rush job this and end up with an imperfect sword, be my guest."
FIonna frowned. "Why didn't you tell me making a sword was all this hammer-hard work?"
"You wanted to learn this, Fionna," the queen said flatly. "You said swords were so critically important to you. So unless you were lying before and you've secretly got other ideas about why we're really down here, you'd better be ready to put in exactly this much hard work."
Other ideas? FIonna thought. Yeah, I've got some other ideas...I'm still trying to figure you out. I'm giving you a swig of your own cough syrup. I wanna be the one to play YOU this time. I wanna get inside your brain guts and fix you for good. Beat you at your own stupid game, that's what's up! I just need more time...
CLANG!
"Oh for Gertrude's sake, what did you do now?"
Fionna dropped the hammer and held up the sword. She'd missed with a swing and left a big gaping dent in the side of the blade. "Aww, what the cheese?"
"You broke it, you little monkey!" the queen scolded, pushing herself to her feet with some noticeable effort.
"Cram, I didn't mean to…" Fionna said, reaching out to feel the indentation, then pulling her fingers away when she realized how hot and sharp the blade would be. "Uh, how do we fix it?"
"Not much we CAN do about it," the queen answered, with a no small hint of scorn. "We have to super-cool it right now, or it'll start to bend and become even more useless."
"Oh...well okay, how do I do that?"
The queen snatched the blade from her hands. "I'LL do it. I'm better equipped for this sort of thing, anyway."
Fionna huffed and watched her inhale deeply, her chest puffing out as the hot air filled her lungs. But what flowed out when she blew the air back out was a welcome, chilling breeze that swept cleanly across the blade's surface. The cold breeze rushed around Fionna as well, tickling her sweaty thighs and tingling against her flushed cheeks. The queen turned the sword over and repeated the process for the other side, becoming noticeably exhausted as she blew. She teetered back on forth on her feet, breath growing softer.
"Whoa there, careful," Fionna said, reaching out to steady her.
"I'm fine," the queen lied, handing her the sword and nearly collapsing against the wall. She wheezed and dragged herself back up a few stairs, toward the more tolerable air. "Well, there you have it, Fionna...your very own sword, forged by your own clumsy, meaty hands. What do you think?"
Fionna gripped the hilt with both hands and hefted it up. It was definitely heavier than her previous sword, and seemed to catch the low-light of the room in funny ways that distracted her eyes. She shook her head and took a fighting stance. She swung the sword in several small arcs above her head, struggling at first to manage the extra weight.
"It's...alright, I guess," she surmised, shouldering it. "Definitely fatter than the old one. It feels kinda clunky, like maybe it took a nosedive into a spike pit. It's rough and tumbleweed...but it's not exactly awful, I guess."
"That's because it's your first," the queen said dismissively. "You're bound to be at least slightly dissatisfied with your first go. But the real question is...are you happy with it?"
Fionna ran a finger down the blade's now-cooled edge. It was still rough and bumpy, not even hardly the slick marvel that her old sword was. The queen was right, she should have spent more time making it. She frowned.
"...not really, no. I mean, I could totally use this for a sword, that's not even a thing in question. But I'm not HAPPY with it. It looks like something a blind orc woulda made. Not that I don't know cool blind orcs or anything, but it's definitely not a replacement for the other one."
"Well what did you expect, honestly?" the queen asked with a certain exasperation in her voice. "I told you, anyone can MAKE a sword, but it takes years of practice to make one you can be proud of."
"Ugh, whatever then," Fionna said, sticking out her tongue. "I want a do-over."
"No."
"What? Why no?"
"Well, for one thing," the queen explained, shoulder against the wall, "You used up all of your soulmate variety of turquoise crystals, so you're out of raw material to work with. For another, you aren't going to learn anything until you toy around with THAT sword and understand how what you did affects the finished product. Understand?"
"Not really," Fionna replied lazily, rolling her wrist and watching the sword go round. "So what then, we're basically just out of crystals? You don't have any extras just laying around anywhere?"
"You're not listening, chubbers!" the queen shouted.
"Don't get name-cally with me!" Fionna growled back, marching over toward the stairs. "I heard what you said! But if you're out of your precious little crystals, then why don't I just go hunting for some more? I can take this piece of junk with me, practice using it while I look for them! Two birdies with one stone!"
Ice Queen gave her a skeptical squint. Something had subtly changed about Fionna since she'd come back from the labyrinth. She wasn't just being contrary and aggressive like before. What perplexed the queen now was trying to deduce exactly what her endgame might be. What was she playing at? What did she really want? Where was the demanding, angry Fionna from before? Was she playing the same game, only using a different game piece?
"Are you telling me you want to go on another quest?" she finally asked. "So soon?"
"Yeah, what's the big deal?" Fionna said, flicking loose fragments off the blade of her sword. "I LIVE for quests, ya butt! Did you already forget that or something?"
The queen looked away for a moment in further thought, blowing a rogue lock of hair from her forehead.
"Just point me to 'em, queenie," Fionna said, leaning on the sword. "I'll handle the rest."
She shook her head and landed back into coherency. "Fine, then. It's not like you won't just keep pestering me until I surrender anyway."
Fionna suppressed a smile of victory.
"But at least give me one more night to recover," the queen added, pulling herself a bit shakily to her feet. "I may be a verified risk-taker, but even I'm not invincible. And I'd rather not spend the whole trip limping."
"Hey now, nobody says you even have to come with me," Fionna said, instinctively reaching out again to steady her.
"Yes I do."
"No you don't."
"Yes, I actually do," the queen asserted, pulling away and hoisting herself up the slippery bottom steps. "If you want to successfully locate and extract more crystals, you'll absolutely REQUIRE my assistance."
"Okay, fiiiiiiine," she whined, trailing behind. "You're lucky I want this glob-dang sword so bad…".
"Yes, I'm so very lucky that I get to set out gallivanting across the mountains in search of rare crystals while my body remains covered toe to head in bruises."
"Well, when ya put it like THAT…".
"Is there any other way I should be putting it?"
"Yeah," Fionna said, passing the queen and walking up the stairs backwards. "You could put it like 'helping Fionna get herself a rad new sword in repayment for all the gracious stuff she's been doin' for me'!"
"All the gracious stuff you've done, eh?" The queen was getting stronger with each step as the air continued to chill more and more. "Last time I checked, you were doing all these cool things to help UNDO the damage you'd done before."
"Well...well yeah, okay," Fionna conceded, shoulders drooping a bit. "But still, it's not like you aren't grateful for my help, right? And I mean, it wouldn't kill you to up and do something nice for someone else, would it? You DO know how to be nice, don'tcha?"
Ice Queen rolled her eyes.
Fionna stopped a few steps in front of her and put her face up close and personal, a threatening frown confronting the queen's own tired visage. She halted and blinked.
"You're not coming along just so you can unload any of your funky business on me while we're out tomorrow, are ya?" she asked, in an appropriately cold voice. "You're not gonna like, take me out to an avalanche zone and bury me in sharp stickly cicles, right?"
The queen's eyebrows furrowed. "What has gotten into you, Fionna? You're acting very unusual, even for a bunny-hatted little weirdo, and that's making it quite difficult for me to predict your next move the way I usually do."
"Well then stop tryin' to predict me," Fionna replied, inching her face even closer. "Do like I do and just roll with it! Don't worry about figuring every little honking thing out! Now tell me, and tell me for REAL. You're not gonna suddenly go gonzo on me, right?"
She was close enough that she could feel the queen's cold breath brushing over her face, tickling against her upper lip. Her blood began pumping faster. Her whole body was already tensing up, anticipating a familiar, icy tingling sensation.
"I don't have the energy to do anything like that," the queen said patiently. Her eyes were starting to haze over and become unreadable, Fionna couldn't tell for sure anymore if she was thinking what she was. But she had a hunch.
"...promise me, then."
The queen blinked.
"Fine, I promise. If my promise even means anything to you, at this point…".
She licked her lips.
"...it will, if you seal it."
There was a pause. From somewhere deep within that haze, Fionna swore she saw the tiniest spark flash for an instant. Without any further warning, Ice Queen leaned forward and delivered a small peck on Fionna's lips.
"There. Happy?"
Fighting back a blush, Fionna loomed for a moment, then backed down. "Good…".
Not good enough though, she thought. I wanted more…
Brain still buzzing, for other reasons now than before, she reached the top of the stairs and shivered. It was much colder up here than she remembered, and she hadn't even noticed until this point that she'd forgotten the queen's robe on the floor of the furnace room. She crossed her arms and sulked. No way she was going back down there to pick it up now.
"You patoots finally done?" Cake asked in a decidedly languid tone. "Can we go home now?"
Fionna swallowed and stepped through the kitchen threshold into the living room. She'd all but forgotten until now that she'd have to face this moment. "Umm...well, not exactly."
Cake's head poked up from behind the arm of the couch, a scowl of disbelief plastered on her face.
"I...uh, kinda blotched this sword up, and I wanted a do-over, but we're out of crystals, sooo….".
After a moment's glare, Cake grumbled and sunk back down on the couch. "Why am I not surprised, Fi? Why am I not surprised?"
Fionna grabbed one arm and shifted her weight. "...kitty cat's intuition?"
Cake rolled over on her side and groaned. "When you gonna be done here, baby? I wanna go home...I'm tired of this place, I'm tired of HER, and I'm tired of all these delays!"
"C'mon Cake, don't be like that…" she said, somewhat hurt.
"What am I even doin' here anyway?" Cake asked, idly running her finger over the edge of the table. "I'm bored outta my skull."
"Yeah, sorry...I know I haven't been paying much attention to you, Cake, but-"
"Paying attention?" Her brow creased. "I'm not your dang pet, Fionna, I'm your sister! And I feel like you don't care about me and my needs over here!"
"I know, I know…" Fionna sighed. "I just...I gotta have this, Cake. Let me have this. This whole sword fiasco is important to me."
"And goin' home is important to ME," Cake whined. "I can't wait around for you forever, baby. You keep this up and you're gonna end up walkin' home alone in nothin' but your undies, and I ain't gonna be takin' the blame for it!"
"Well...then tough toenails for me, I guess!"
Cake didn't answer right away. She stared for a moment, desperately racking her brain to discern or divine what else could possibly be compelling Fionna to stick around the queen's castle. She had, of couse, known for a long time what it really was, but she hadn't been able to come to terms with it. Now it seemed she didn't have much of a choice. She sighed heavily and looked down at the floor.
"...alright then, Fi," she finally said, calmly. "I guess this is how it's happenin' then. I'm goin' home...with or without you."
"Cake, you really don't-"
"I've made up my mind, baby," she said, putting a finger to Fionna's lips. "I'm not bein' any use to you by stayin' here, and I sure as heck ain't gettin' anything for myself out of it neither. Honestly, goin' home's gotta be the best thing for me right now."
She trained her gaze on the queen, who was still leaning against the wall, trying to stay distant from the situation. "Can't say I like the thought of you two bein' alone together. You know for stone-cold sure I don't trust this crone one teensy bit…".
She looked back up at her sister. "...but I DO trust you, Fi. You're a big girl now, I trust you know what's best for yourself. And I guess I can maybe rest a little easier knowin' that if she gives you any lip, you can always knock her teeth right out and drop-kick her 'tween the legs like a football...heh."
She sidled up and wrapped her arms around Fionna's neck. Fionna responded in kind by scooping her up into a hug.
"Spend some time gettin' to know your new girlfriend, baby," she whispered into Fionna's ear. "I'mma go home and spend some long-overdue quality time with MY snugglebutt."
Bristling a bit at the mention of 'girlfriend', Fionna managed to crack a smile and kissed her on the head. "Thanks, Cake. Really."
"Awright, awright, too mushy," Cake said, squirming loose. "But just you remember. Should you need me, for anything at all, you just scream at the tip-top of your windbags, okay? You KNOW I'll hear it, and you KNOW I'll come runnin' to help, fists akimbo! That's a promise."
Fionna nodded and flashed a thumbs-up. With one final sigh of relief and a curt nod to the queen, Cake turned and walked out of the cavern into the midday Ice Mountain sun, her milky hair blending into the bright white glare until she disappeared from sight.
A certain somber serenity cloaked the room for a few moments, filling Fionna with a brief sense of peace she'd been missing for the past few days. She felt as though she'd finally earned Cake's hard-won approval.
...which meant that now she had the queen all to herself. She turned to face her.
"Okay then, so what comes next, O Mistress Mine?"
The queen peeled herself away from the wall and brushed the hair off her shoulders. "I was thinking of spending the day cleaning up, honestly. I still feel like I'm kind of a mess."
"Well, you ARE kind of a mess," Fionna confirmed, taking the opportunity to look her body up and down again. "But what do you mean 'the rest of the day'? Does it seriously take you a whole day to take a shower?"
"We can't all be as quick and dirty as you are, Fionna," the queen retorted, tracing the gash along her chest with one finger. "Some of us like to take these things slowly and deeply, cleansing all the little places along the way."
Fionna crossed her arms and frowned. "Well...okay then, fine. But what am I supposed to do until you get done?"
"I don't know," the queen said dismissively, walking toward the hallway. "Play with Gertrude or something."
"How the heck do you play with a penguin? Do I just start a game of fetch, maybe with a fish or something? Is that a thing penguins even do?"
"Of course not," she scoffed, her voice echoing from the bathroom. "You don't HAVE to play with her, I was just making a suggestion."
"Well it's a stupid suggestion."
There was a loud sigh, and the queen poked her head out from the door. "Fine, then. What do YOU want to do, your majesty?"
"Shup and don't call me that," Fionna grumbled. "I dunno, I'm just bored."
"So what?"
"So play with me or something!" she whined.
"Play with you, you say?" the queen purred in response. She held out a hand, her bra dangling from her fingers by one strap.
"...th-that's not what I meant," she sputtered, turning away. "Just...what the heck am I supposed to do for the rest of the afternoon?"
"For Gertrude's sake, Fionna, I don't know! What do you USUALLY do when you're bored?"
Right on cue, a familiar growl filled the room, bouncing off the walls down the hall.
"...what was that?" the queen asked, again peering out from the doorway.
"...um...my stomach…" Fionna replied, clutching it with one hand and blushing.
"Your STOMACH did that?" she asked, unbelievably.
"There's an unquenchable demon in my guts that demands food-istic sacrifice, okay?!" Fionna shouted, more defensively than she meant to. "I gets the munchies real bad when I'm bored!"
The queen frowned and looked at the floor for a moment. A small aftershock grumble filled the silence, much to Fionna's chagrin.
"...you wanna eat something, then?" she eventually prompted.
Fionna shifted her weight and held the sword behind her, pressing it gently against the back of her legs. "...yeah, not gonna lie, that labyrinth made me pretty hungies."
The queen pinched the bridge of her nose, mouthed something to herself, then tossed her hair back. "Then I guess I'd better start cooking, if I want any mothering peace around here."
"Well I mean you don't HAVE to-".
She stopped short and watched the queen step out of the bathroom still topless, striding with her usual pomp and pride right into the kitchen. She flashed a sparkling diamond smile as she walked past.
"You coulda warned me or something…" Fionna mumbled, turning and covering her eyes. "So, uh...should I give you a hand?"
"No," the queen said flatly.
"Really? Why not?"
"Because you're a walking kitchen disaster."
"I am not!"
"Yes, you are."
"...okay, yeah, probably."
She took a seat on the coffee table, straightening her spine as the cold tingle of the ice spread across her bottom.
So this is it, huh? she mused. I'm in my worst enemy's house, learning how to make swords, we're going on an adventure together, and she's cooking me a meal, and we're just chilling here in the almost-buff. This is exactly how I DIDN'T picture this plan working out. Nothing made sense back when this all started, back at square one...now that I'm here and I know more about her little game, I feel like I got all kinds of powered up with mega-knowledge and stuff!
...but it still doesn't actually make a whole lot of sense! It's the same as it was back then, just in a couple of different ways now...I still don't have a plan. I still don't know what I should be doing...so maybe I'm just gonna keep doing what I'm good at. I'm just gonna keep rolling with this!
Once again, her stomach protested loudly, interrupting her thoughts and demanding immediate attention.
"I heard you the first time, Fionna," the queen said testily.
"I can't help it, Ice Queen!" she moaned. "I'm starving!"
"Food doesn't just cook itself, Fionna," she grumbled back. "Give me some time. Take a nap or something."
"A nap?" she repeated. Hmm…not the worst idea I've ever heard, I guess...
She leaned back and stretched herself out over the remainder of the coffee table, letting her limbs fall to the sides helplessly. The shock of the ice against her skin came and went quickly, and after a moment she hardly even noticed it anymore. The vague blue lights of the ice ceiling overhead pulsed gently, eventually falling back to match her own heartbeat. She watched her own eyelids close, slowly, peacefully.
"Hey," a voice said.
She snapped them back open. Blizzard-white eyes greeted her.
"What now?" Fionna said, in a voice hazier than she expected.
"It's time for dinner," the queen said, standing up. She'd changed into a more regal, midnight blue robe that caught the dim light of the cavern in ways that seemed to accentuate her wide curves.
"...already?" Fionna asked, sitting up with some effort. She glanced down to see that she'd been covered with a similar-looking robe. "That was fast…".
The queen shook her head. "You've been asleep for over two hours."
"Say what?"
"You're a terrible snorer, and your stomach never shuts up."
"Oh," she replied sheepishly. "Sorry."
The queen waved it away and gestured to the dining table. As Fionna trained her eyes on it, they grew double in size and the ears on her hat perked straight up. She stood up automatically and lurched toward the circular table, mouth slightly agape.
Hot platters of ham and omelettes and buttered biscuits steamed gently, their scent mingling with the juicy undertone of assorted fruit. A stack of pancakes drenched in syrup sat next to a tall cup decorated richly in an ornate, carved pattern. And a flickering candelabra lit by flitting blue flames in the center seemed to hold the entire spectacle together.
"Ice Queen…" she said, faintly. "...it's beautiful."
The queen half-smiled and pulled up two chairs, side by side. "Thank you, Fionna. Now please, PLEASE, do something about that stomach."
Fionna grinned and brought herself closer to the table. She ritualistically took a knife in one hand and a fork in the other, then proceeded to attack the pancakes.
For the first few minutes, neither said a word, and the only sound in the entire cave seemed to be the clinking of Fionna's silverware and her occasional loud gulp. The queen had barely taken two bites and already Fionna was halfway through the entire stack of pancakes on her plate.
"...how do you do that, Fionna?" she asked, watching in morbid fascination.
Fionna swallowed a mouthful. "I'm am avemchurrer, queemie. I gotch lotch of emergy to replashe."
The queen snorted. "Must take a lot of energy keeping up with me, hm?"
Fionna nodded, taking a long, loud quaff from her cup. She brought it down heavily and belched. "Wow, what the heck is this stuff?"
"You like it?" the queen asked, taking another small bite. "It's an old drink, one of my favorites."
"It's really gassy," she replied, another burp following.
"I can get you the recipe if you like," the queen continued. "Not that you're much good with recipes, I know."
"Bwahaha, you're tellin' me!" Fionna chuckled. "There was this one time I tried to make a cake, but I realized we didn't have eggs, and the only thing in the house I could find was these weird dragon egg things. Long and weird story short, I basically almost got the kitchen burned down, but that SO wasn't my fault!"
"Fionna, that doesn't even make sense, dragon eggs don't just spontaneously combust-"
"I SHAID IT WASHN' MY FAULP!" she half-shouted, mouth full of pancake. She took a deep swallow and held up her cup. "Can I get more burp juice?"
The queen stifled a laugh and filled her cup from a large jug. "Want me to tell you a secret?"
Fionna nodded intently, taking a much smaller sip this time.
"This so-called burp juice…" she said, bringing her face closer. "...is actually root beer. You know, the stuff Cake probably doesn't let you drink."
"Pfft, Cake-schmake, I can drink anything I want to," Fionna boasted, loading her plate with ham. "I'm a big girl!"
The queen nodded and raised her own cup. Before she could even prompt a toast though, Fionna clinked her cup and took another deep drink. The queen frowned, then shrugged and joined her.
Fionna could feel her worries from earlier disappearing back into the far void of her mind. She found it much easier to forget about the stresses of the situation and simply succumb to the taste of the delicious meal at hand. Sure, it had always been that way, but now it rang true moreso than ever. She settled into a warm, pleasant peace.
"Mmm, I really gotta hand it to ya, queenie," Fionna said, gesturing to her plate. "You really cook amazing dinners...just gotta say that out loud."
"Mmh, well thank you Fionna," the queen said, with a genuine, though secretive, smile. "I really did put a lot of work into this meal."
"And I also gotta say," Fionna continued, loosening the drawstring on her robe to give her belly some breathing room, "...this is really not what I expected at all."
"Mm?"
"Like, I honestly feel real good right now," she said, in between bites of omelette. "I ain't been this relaxed in weeks. I'm sittin' here with my mortal enemy, stuffin' my gobs with delicious food, and we're goin' on a field trip together in the mornin'…just, wow."
She loaded another omelette and paused just long enough to say, "I never woulda thought this is how it would turn out."
The blue firelight flickered a moment, revealing a strange look of contentedness in the queen's face. It didn't bear the familiar, cold-steel monarch expression it usually did. There was something more soft and honest about it now. Something Fionna decided was quite pretty.
"If I'm going to be honest, Fionna," the queen said, playing with her fork, "I'm surprised you've stuck with me for so long. I can't even remember the last time I've entertained a guest for dinner whom I didn't kidnap."
"Well," Fionna said, with a dramaticized hand motion. "I was kind of under oath to stick with you."
"Oh, don't give me that oath schtick again," the queen said, rolling her eyes. "Nobody's making you stay with me. You've always been as free to leave as Cake did earlier."
"Don't you oath schmoath me, you old butt! I takes my oaths for serious! I made a promise to myself that I'd always be the hero of super justice!"
The queen took another sip of root beer and continued. "So what does that mean, you just always help people, no matter what? That's your whole oath? What about you, yourself? Don't you help yourself sometimes?"
Fionna reached over and stabbed her fork into the queen's pancakes. "Sometimes I help myself to all your food, hahaha!"
She pushed Fionna's hand away. "I mean, what do you do when you need a hero? Do you just do all your heroing yourself? Or what if someone wants you to give up your own dreams just to be the hero who saves theirs? What's your oath say about that?"
"What's yer point?"
"Your dream is to serve everyone one else, and let people walk all over you? That's not healthy at all, Fionna!"
"Nobody's walkin' on me, queenie," Fionna assured her, holding out her cup again to be refilled. "I'm a hero, and everybody loves me! You're actin' like that's a bad thing or something…my dream has always been to be the hero who does all the cool things other people can't do!"
"Like what?"
"Like I don't know what!" Fionna half-shouted. "Like explorin' the desert to find an oasis for thirsty people! Like liberating captive princes from their clingy moms! Like punching evil kidnapper witches in the boob!"
She took the cup and began chugging it down in a righteous fury.
"But you say that like you have no desires or wants of your own, Fionna," the queen continued, looking down at her plate blankly. "It's like your only wish is to help others achieve their own dreams, no matter how hard it is. No matter how beaten up you get in the process."
Glug. Glug. Glug.
"...how can anyone be that selfless?"
"AHHHH!" Fionna said, the cup falling out of her hand and rolling across the table.
"...maybe I've just forgotten what it means to care so much about others," she mused out loud.
"Well, 'least you never forgot how to care 'bout yerself," Fionna said, slouching forward a bit.
"Heh, that's immortality for you," the queen sighed. "The only person you ever truly grow attached to is your own self…wow, I don't think I've said something THAT pretentious in years!"
Fionna nodded weakly, not responding.
"Amazing that YOU, of all people, just got me to open up like that," she added, with a smirk. "I'm impressed!"
Fionna leaned forward, her face souring up a bit. The queen looked over at her and cocked her head to one side. "Fionna? Are you alr-"
With a violent jerk, she hiccuped and unleashed another massive belch, throwing her chair backwards to the floor. She lay there for a moment, looking straight up at the deep blue ceiling, then slowly cracked into a hearty belly laugh.
The queen stared at her for a moment, unsure of whether to help or not, then snorted and dissolved into laughter as well.
"You want some help up, Fionna?" she said, between chuckles.
"Naaaaaaah, I'm good," Fionna said, playfully rolling off the chair and kicking it to one side. "I think I'm just gonna lie down here on the floor for the rest of the night."
"You sure? What about the rest of this food?"
"Leave some fer the penguins," Fionna mumbled into the floor.
Ice Queen watched her for a moment, absent-mindedly chewing on a pear. Then she simply shrugged and crawled onto the floor beside Fionna.
She picked her head up and looked over at the queen. Her white eyes were relaxed again, like a silent powder snow, and her face looked even more soft and inviting than ever.
"Why can't it always just be like this, Icy?" she asked, pushing the tuft of hair from her face. "Why're we always playing thrills and chills and stupid mind games?"
The queen sighed. "It wasn't always like this, you know...I used to throw dinner parties more often, I really did. But it's not much fun when nobody shows up, though...".
"Yeahhhh, that sounds bunk," Fionna agreed, using her arm as a pillow. "Bein' alone prob'ly sucks worse than a lollipop. How much fun can you even have just playin' with yourself?"
"Ignoring that," the queen said, fiddling with the drawstring of her robe. "I guess I got into mind games because...well, I wanted something more substantial in life. Something more exciting than dinner parties with squishy tuxedo birds."
"Whaddya mean more exciting? What's more fun than a table fulla food?"
"Well, for one, penguins are horrible house guests," the queen explained with a flick of her wrist. "All they do is hop up on the table and eat the dessert tray and making disgusting bodily noises."
Fionna burped in response, pulling open her robe to rub her ballooning belly.
"At least YOU make it somewhat funny," the queen added, half-smiling. "The other downside is when you kidnap someone and they won't even eat your food. How rude is that! Nope, mind games were definitely the next logical step to making my dinner parties suck less. That, or death-defying adventures. Or maybe both, am I right?"
"Hey, while we're talking about that," Fionna interjected, "Why'd you even have to start creep-romancin' on me at all? You coulda just asked me out on a dangerous adventure with you! Ya gotta know by now how much I freakin' LOVE adventures...and you don't even got no idea how stoked I am for tomorrow…".
"Well, honestly, I stopped going on adventures, Fionna," she sighed, putting a hand to her forehead. "What's the point of the thrill if I couldn't share it with anyone?"
"Well there's yer answer, dum-dum!" Fionna said, bopping the queen on the wrist. "You shoulda asked ME! You didn't have to go futzin' around with my headspace, or tryin' to nab my attentions by swipin' a prince! What the heyo were you even thinkin'?"
"How was I to know that would work, Fionna?" the queen groaned. "Nobody, and I mean NOBODY ever comes to visit me! People don't even LIKE me. They don't like how cold my domain is. They don't like my frosty ice palace. My entire world, my entire body of work, everything that's ever been important to me...nobody ever cares about that!"
Fionna reflected on that for a moment, looking up into the low-glowing ceiling. "Well, I think that's dumb. People should learn to care more about you and think your stuff is cool. 'Cause it is."
"Good luck convincing the entire world of that, Fionna."
"...okay, yeah, so maybe people have the wrong idea about you, and y'know, maybe you even deserve that for all the messed-up stuff you done to 'em." She turned again toward the queen, her face having reverting back to its usual brittle cold bitterness. "You did bad things, queenie. Ya done goofed hard. Nobody trusts you. Nobody wants to even go near you. Everybody fears you and your scary winter wrath…".
The queen turned her face away, discreetly rubbing her eye.
"...so why don't you just change?"
She didn't say anything for a moment, she just lay there, idly grinding her teeth. Fionna pulled her arms free of her sleeves and rolled onto her side. She heard the queen take a deep breath. "...what do you mean, change?"
Fionna propped her head up. "Just...you know, change. Stop being evil."
"What good would that do if everyone already hates me?"
"Ice Queen, for glop's sake…you're not even tryin' here. If you just, like, stopped bein' evil altogether, you could SHOW people how cool you are. You could make them see that with their eyeballs."
"I'm not cool, Fionna," Ice Queen mumbled. "You've said so a hundred times, right to my face…".
"Yeah, well…" she replied, waving her hand back and forth. "...I kinda know you a little better now. I know more about you. I've spent time in your head. You're not just an evil crazy penguin lady with ice bolt powers."
The queen finally turned over and looked back at her expectantly.
Fionna took a deep breath, then exhaled slowly. "You're really smart. You know a lot of magic and stuff I don't even understand. You even write your own books. You know how to make cool castles and swords and even tiny little trinkets out of ice, with nothin' but your bare hands...you know how to cook really amazing food, and you know how to be a very hot-spittle-bull-hospital hostess…".
Her stammering trailed off into silence as she looked back upon the queen's face. The soft, inviting look was slowly emerging again, and Fionna felt her own lips spreading thinner into a smile. The queen slowly followed suit.
"You make it sound like it's so simple," she said softly. "But surely even you know things are never just black and white like that…".
The smile devolved into a contrived pout.
"Well why not?" Fionna asked, curling her bottom lip.
"What do you mean, why not?"
She sighed and wormed her way over toward the queen, stopping face to face with her. She once again looked closely into the queen's eyes, her heart beating so loudly she was sure it would pop out of her chest. She was so close that the queen could all but feel it pulsing against her own skin.
"...why do we even have to be enemies, anyway?"
The queen stared helplessly into Fionna's eyes, many years of hardened, icy defenses crumbling away silently around her. Her breathing quickened, she felt her hands open and close by themselves. Her lips parted in preparation to release a sly response.
The words never came out.
Fionna kissed her soft and tender, the intense, cold feeling spreading through her cheeks and veins, all the way down to the ends of each nerve in her body. And before she could pull away, she felt a cold hand on her shoulder, bringing her in closer. Fionna let the queen's arms envelop her, and put her own hand to the queen's breast as the kiss lingered on. She felt herself floating, surrendered entirely to the feeling.
The blue light of the candles on the table burned softly throughout the night as the two pounding heartbeats merged their rhythms into one. After that, Fionna wasn't sure where the kiss ended and where the dream began.