Everything was still dark, but not exactly nighttime dark. It felt more like the darkness of a blanket draped over her face. She grumbled and tried to shake off that oncoming feeling of lucidity, of being aware that the darkness before her was merely that of her own inner eyelids. She hugged the body pillow tighter. There seemed to be a sharp, freezing smell invading her nostrils, not unlike peppermint or maybe extremely cold ice cream. She want to shut it out and sleep a little longer...
Eventually though, natural curiosity took its course. She stuck her tongue out slowly, probing for any potential cold and sugary sweets. What she found was definitely cold, definitely soft, and just a little bit wet. It was everything ice cream should be, but it had no particular taste. She only stopped sliding her tongue around after suddenly running over something hard. A chocolate chip, maybe?
She begrudgingly opened her eyes to confirm, then opened them much wider. She quickly withdrew her tongue and pulled her face from the queen's chest, immediately ready to pretend it never happened at all.
Fionna rolled over on her back, untangling her arms and legs from the person-shaped pillow she'd been clutching throughout the night and glanced around the room hazily. She was lying nude on the queen's living room floor, and had apparently slept using the queen's robe as a blanket. Early morning light was beginning to edge its way in through the drawing room entrance, casting errant glimmers off the ears of the polar bear statues. Beside her, the queen remained asleep, breathing lightly. She too had cast away her garments in the middle of the night, and a cumulative pile of clothes had formed off beside the couch.
For having slept in the freezing cold of an ice cave next to a frozen queen in the absolute naught, she took note that she really wasn't feeling all that chilly. She yawned and scratched under her arm, wondering if she should bother putting any clothes back on. A full bladder demanded her immediate attention, and she decided foregoing clothes would probably be more convenient.
With some considerable groaning effort, Fionna hauled herself up to her knees, then pitched forward and started crawling her way down the hall. When at last she reached the bathroom, she picked herself up to her feet using the sink for balance. Then, with a certain stylistic stumbling movement, managed to spin 180 degrees and crash-land on her bottom with a THUD on the sparkling ice seat of the toilet, amazingly facing the correct direction.
Wow, she thought, putting a hand to her chin. Why does my head feel like Cake's back in summer? What in the holiest of hecks happened last night, anyway? Let's see...I remember food. Lots of glorious food...I remember falling on the ground and gettin' a smooch or two. What did we talk about?
She frowned. Last night sure sounded wonderful. The morning after just felt fuzzy, like a bad connection on a radio station. And something still seemed entirely off-putting and wrong about it all. Ice Queen, the known criminal, the long-standing enemy of justice, and Fionna, the flawless champion and defender of said justice, having dinner together, making out and falling asleep in each other's arms.
That's forked up, Fionna old girl, she told herself, twiddling her toes. You're not carrying the good banner of justice anymore. You're dating your own mortal enemy! How the butt do you explain yourself for that one?
She sighed and hung her head. I used to think it was because she was just straight-dope evil, but yesterday she was...well, honestly, she was softer and nicer and squishier than I ever thought she could be. Why, though? Is this all part of some new psycho warfare campaign? Is she just being nice so I'll let my guard down? Nah, couldn't be that...my guard couldn't have been MORE down last night. If she was gonna icicle my throat or poison lipstick me or carry me like a baby and then toss me off a cliff, she'd have already done it by now...so what's the fuzz?
Maybe she's being nice because I'M being nice, she weighed on one hand as a rubbery bird face peered up at her over the edge of the bathtub. I really have cut back on biting her in the butt the past couple of days, and look what it's gotten me. Sword-making lessons, free home-cooked meals, mind-blowing makeouts...it's almost like she just needed someone to be nice to her in the first place.
She shook her head, feeling her signature tuft of hair bounce against her forehead. But on the other hand, she doesn't really deserve me being nice to her, does she? She doesn't DESERVE anything! She's been a horrible old slag-hag all her life, kidnapping unwitting princes, jackin' up my stuff and my head, gettin' all kissy-kissy on me outta nowhere...what's she done to merit all my kindness, anyway?
A loud sigh filled the room. But when I really think about it...if she's nice when I'm nice...then why not just be nice? I can keep an eye on her, keep her happy, and that's gonna mean no more kidnapping, no more PG havin' night terrors, no more sneaky ice bolts...AND it means I get all the sexy smooches and free food I could ever want! What's so wrong about that, just because she doesn't deserve it? Who the heck cares, as long as I'm still technically saving the day and stuff, right? Right?
"Yeah, that IS right!" she exclaimed triumphantly, pumping a fist into the air as she hopped off the seat. "Thanks, Thinking Toilet!"
She quickly shot a glance over at the penguin in the bathtub. "And YOU! You didn't see nothin'," she warned, waving her hand and mock-casting a spell. Gertrude fell backwards into the tub, grunting and flailing awkwardly.
She strutted back down the hall toward the dining room, even if calling it strutting was a stretch. Wondering if she should wake the queen yet, Fionna took a seat on the cold floor beside her. She idly ran one hand through the fluffy, snow-soft hair, the hair that never seemed to tangle up like normal hair did. She continued along, down the queen's back, her fingertips tingling with that familiar, cold sensation as she made the stroke up and over the hump of the queen's bottom and right down her thigh before falling out of reach.
Why is she so soft? Fionna wondered, making a second pass. Where's all her wrinkles and pinches? Why did I spend so long thinking she was this husky old sack of skin-bags? She's freakin' powder snow smooth! These are the softest legs I've ever felt...no wonder I was all wrapped up around her, she's a perfect pillow.
The queen smacked her lips and continued snoozing.
I wonder what even happened last night? she continued. I mean, sure, this isn't the first time I've woken up in the starks in someone else's house before, but it IS the first time I've woken up in the starks and accidentally gotten a tongue full of nip-nop...hmm…
She closed her eyes and tried to conjure up the events of the previous night after the first kiss. All at once, her lips recalled the taste of the queen's, the feeling exploding like a star throughout the rest of her body. Each and every part could once again feel that icy touch, reliving memories they had made, but that her brain couldn't seem to access. Everything was puzzle pieces with no reference picture. She sat paralyzed for a moment with her hand gently cupped around the queen's thigh.
A week ago I woulda punched somebody for even suggesting it, she thought, eyes slowly coming back into focus. But wowzers, I think I'm developing a for-real addiction to kissing! Maybe this romantic gunk ain't such a bad thing after all...
She automatically licked her lips expectantly. Another quickie couldn't hurt…
Stretching out and lying on her side, she sidled up beside the queen, pushed the hair away from her face, and pulled in for a tender kiss. She watched the queen's eyes flicker open slowly and light up, like a machine powering on.
The queen blinked in confusion, then cracked a sly smile. She snaked her cold tongue into Fionna's mouth and probed around. Taken off guard, Fionna pulled back and took a deep breath.
"Whoa there girl," she said, putting a hand to her chest. "Warn me next time!"
"And a good morning to you too," the queen answered with a yawn. "Seems we got pretty comfy last night…".
"Yeah, I guess," Fionna said, scratching the back of her head. "Wait, you mean you don't remember it either?"
Ice Queen shrugged and rolled onto her back, arms at her sides. "I remember you falling on the floor. It all got a little runny after that."
"Aww, nuts...I kinda wanted to know what happened."
"I can make a pretty decent guess," the queen almost said, then decided to leave it to Fionna's innocent imagination. "Maybe you were…generating too much body heat and got too warm or something. You ARE a chubby little heat machine, after all."
Fionna frowned and opened her mouth to protest, then stopped and looked down. "...okay, fair point."
"Not that it's a big deal or anything," the queen continued with a hand wave. "Baby flab is cute."
"Okay, enough, shush," Fionna said, crossing her arms and trying to hide her blushing cheeks. "No more cutesy-talk. We've got an adventure to get movin' on!"
Ice Queen groaned and turned away on her other side. "I'd rather sleep for another week."
"Hey, you promised!"
"I un-promise."
"Nope, come on now, get up!" Fionna said, tapping the queen's bottom with her foot.
"Nnnnnhh…".
"No butt-sass!" she said, slapping it this time.
"Alright, alright, fine…is it any wonder I never wanted children?"
Hopping to her feet, Fionna scrambled around the other side to help the queen up. She had to grab the wall to maintain balance. Both of them may have been awake in the brain, but their bodies insisted they were still asleep. The queen shook her head and wondered why she had ever thought root beer was a great idea.
"Okay," Fionna announced when she was sure the queen could support herself, "First thing's first, we gotta do something about our public indecency."
"...I'm shocked, Fionna," the queen said, digging the crust from her eyes. "I expected your first proclamation to be something about breakfast."
"Hush," she replied, patting her belly. "I put plenty of gas in the tank last night."
The queen made a face, wrinkling her nose.
"Oh, cram it!" Fionna shouted, punching her arm.
"Fine, just get on with your announcement."
Fionna cleared her throat. "Okay. The announcement is that I need a new outfit! Ever since the Flame Princident - yeah, I'm calling it that forever now - I ain't got no clothes of my own!"
"First you want a sword, then you want a meal, now you want an outfit," the queen mumbled. "Who's paying for all this, hmm?"
"Use a credit card or somethin'. You're a monarch, so act like one!"
"Why do you need an outfit, anyway?" the queen said, gesturing to Fionna's body. "You seem to be doing just fine in this chill without one."
Fionna again glanced down at her barren body, frowning. "Yeah, I dunno what's up with that. The hairs on my arm aren't even standing up. What the heck."
The queen cocked her head, accidentally staring. "Maybe you're just better at adapting to climate change than I had thought."
"Dern right," Fionna smirked, puffing out her chest. "But enough admiring my awesome defense power, let's talk the straight poop on this sitch."
"We're going out on an adventure," she continued, applying bold hand motions to each sentence. "We got a few key factors that will present a problem should I remain nakers. One, we're surrounded by super deep snow and wind, and while I seem to be doing okay inside these ice walls, I'm pretty sure stepping outside in that mess is gonna do more than just give me nipsicles. Two, if we run into monsters or mages or malicious menaces, the traditional Birthday Suit gives me, like, complete zero protection. And three, say we don't run into any monsters but instead find peaceful village folk who are maybe honest-to-glob offended by all this bare skin. I once met this butterfly elf whose village was being ravaged by a chainsawnoceros and while I was beating the stuffing out of him, my clothes got all ripped up, and when that poor elf saw my butt hangin' out, he just kinda fainted, so I-"
"ALRIGHT, good, I get it, Fionna."
"Right, sorry. Anyway, I'm gonna need some clothes, and you are too."
"That could be a problem," the queen said, brushing the hair from her shoulders. "I highly doubt I have any clothes for you to wear."
"Wuh? You serious?"
"We talked about this before," the queen said, rubbing her forehead. "Remember? I made you wear the Fionna suit for a reason."
"Eugh," she cringed. "Don't make me wear that thing again, it squeegees me out. What else ya got?"
The queen sighed. "Nothing, I just told you! You can either wear a robe that'll keep popping open, or try your luck at fighting in a poofy bustle dress. Does that sound like something Fionna can do?"
"Course not," Fionna said, grabbing the queen by the hand and tugging her down the hall. "Come on, you gotta have some other outfits in that big old wardrobe of yours. What about your exercise clothes from when I was in the Candy Kingdom hospital?"
"Fionna, be honest with yourself, do you really think clothes in my size are going to fit you?"
Fionna took yet another opportunity to trace the queen's curves with her eye, comparing them to her own. "...nah, I guess not. Your hips are like five times wider than mine, and these hips ain't small. Also you got a pretty tiny luggage rack, and I don't."
"Not to mention your gut," the queen added.
"Yeah, yeah," Fionna brushed her off, rummaging through drawers. "Why is everything in here so fancy-pants? Seems awful dainty for the thrill-seekin' adventurer you told me you were…".
"I'm still a queen," came the taut reply. "And I happen to like frilly, dainty things. Lace patterns remind me of ice crystals and snowflakes."
"You and your ice obsession," she said, holding up a pair of dark blue bloomers. "Why'd you pick ice, anyway? How come you're not the queen of like, lightning, or thorny flowers, or cheeseburgers?"
Ice Queen stood up to face her and pointed to the tiara.
"Eh, guess that makes sense…but it's not JUST ice powers, right? I've seen you do other magic, you got lots of spell books around here. Why did you go with ice in particular?"
"It's...complicated," the queen said, juggling with her hands a bit. "This tiara is pretty special. It's not just a piece of enchanted headwear, it's more like...a spiritual connection to the journey of light as it passes through the liquid crystal structure of cold water."
Fionna dropped a small blouse on the floor and stared blankly at the queen for a moment. "...you just said a bunch of words I know, but they all got lost and died on their way to my brain."
Ice Queen shrugged. "I did say it was complicated."
"Okay, whatever then."
The queen watched in silence for a moment as Fionna held up several garments to her body, sigh dramatically each time, then toss them aside. No one had really asked her about the tiara before. No one ever asked, though everyone was rightfully afraid of it. Some obscure thread of thought in the back of her mind twanged quietly.
"Augh, this is hopeless, queenie!" Fionna moaned, casting aside a pair of pants. "You're all lower body, I'm all upper! There's literally nothing I can even come close to wearing in here!"
The queen shrugged and pulled a familiar blue bustle from deep inside the closet. "I'm not afraid to say I told ya so."
"See, look at that dress," Fionna continued, holding her fingers up like a filmmaker. "It's all backwards. Maybe if you turned that upside-down, it would…".
Her eyes lit up as she trailed off. She snatched the dress from the queen's fingertips and stormed back down the hall into the living room.
"Get back here, Fionna!" The queen put a hand to her forehead. Shouting still hurt her ears.
Moments later, Fionna did return. She was clutching the dress in one hand, and in the other hand, her new sword. She was still dressed in nothing but a scowl of determination, and all the queen could do was tilt her head and stare back, eyebrows raised expectantly.
Without breaking eye contact, Fionna held her arms apart, keeping both the dress and the sword at arms' length. The queen glanced back and forth between them, putting two and two together. She opened her mouth to protest just in time for Fionna to swing the sword, cleaving the dress in two from the waist down.
"What was that for, you little twerp?!"
Leaning the sword against the wall, Fionna flipped the half-dress upside down and stepped into it, pulling the sleeves up her legs. The fit was very tight around the waist, but dangled loosely around the ankles, like bell-bottomed pants. Fionna put her hands on her hips and pouted, modeling her new pants for the queen.
She received a harsh glare in response, which she noticed, coming from the stark-naked queen, didn't seem to hold as much malice as it used to. The queen must have also realized this, because the scowl faded gradually into a muffled snort, and reached full evolution as a giggle.
"Fionna, you look simply IDIOTIC," the queen cackled.
"Well at least I don't look simply NAKED," she countered, sticking her tongue out.
"I beg to differ," the queen said, grinning wryly and pointing to the open collar of the garment, currently occupying the space between Fionna's thighs.
Fionna glanced down, growled, then scooped up the remaining bodice of the dress and tossed it into the air. With a few precision lunges and slices, she sheared the fabric from the old bustle frame and gathered up the pieces.
"No need for showy theatrics, Fionna," the queen grumbled, arms crossed. "Just tell me what else you plan to do here, other than carving up my favorite dresses."
"Chill, ya butt," she replied, draping the long strips over various exposed areas.. "Why don'tcha make yourself useful and sew me up?"
"I've told you before, Fionna, I don't sew, except with light-beam magic."
"Then get some tape or something!"
"Tape?"
"Or a stapler would work, too."
The queen halted, mouth open and finger raised. She may not have been a psychic at any time in her life, but even she could predict there was no way that prolonging this argument could ever possibly result in victory for her. Not this time. Certainly not with this constantly throbbing in her temples. She exhaled and hung limp for a moment, then immediately straightened up again, resuming her typical, haughty disposition. "Yeah, I've got a stapler. Keep your new pants on."
What am I doing? she asked herself, fixing her hair as she walked down the hallway. When did Fionna become the one giving orders? More importantly, why am I, the QUEEN, playing along? Is it because I don't have the strength to deal with her antics right now? Shouldn't have had that root beer last night...
She tiptoed her way through the mess of penguins still lounging haphazardly in the living room, over to the writing desk, where she rummaged through the drawers.
Last night… she pondered. What did Fionna say to me? Whatever initiated that intimacy...I can't remember the last time I felt anything that strong. It was a lightning strike to my heart. To touch me that deeply...perhaps that's why I'm keeping her around.
"And here is your precious stapler," she announced, stepping back into the room gracefully.
"Perfect, gimme," Fionna said, swiping it right out of her hand. "Okay, check this out!"
With a few loud clicks and at least one "OUCH, GLOBBIN FLIB FLOBBIT!", she stapled the various fragments of the garment together, forming a shoddy, harlequin-patch outfit with flared limbs. After spinning around once or twice to make sure there were no trapdoors in the clothing, she pulled her signature bunny hat into place and once again struck a pose, making imitation fireworks with her hands. Ice Queen took a moment to size her up, rolled her eyes and tossed her hands in the air.
"You're impossible, Fionna, I swear. You've absolutely decimated a perfectly good dress, but somehow turned it into a junky, baggy outfit that actually fits you. It's so absurd that I'm actually kind of impressed."
"I'm gonna take that as a compliment," Fionna said with a confident grin. "And besides, now I look even classier than you, Dame Barelegs!"
"That you do," she replied, digging through her closet again. "I suppose it's time I switched up my usual fashion anyway."
"Yeah no kidding," Fionna said, sniffing the fabric. "You've been wearing this same, boring poof dress since the first time I ever saw you!"
"Same to you and that drab old shirt of yours, bun-bun."
The queen settled on a much slimmer, midnight blue evening dress, stripped of all the pomp and formal frills she had formerly styled herself with. She hadn't worn it in decades, perhaps since a long-forgotten failed dinner date. She tossed her hair and presented herself to Fionna.
"Ya look fab," Fionna said with a thumbs-up. "Much better than the old poofy one, anyway. It's so weird though, seeing your actual body shape instead of having to imagine it under all that pompy fluff."
"Thanks for your unfailingly insightful commentary."
"No probs!"
"Alright then, let's get on with this," the queen said, pushing her tiara back into place. "Are you ready to go? Did you use the toilet yet?"
"My pee tank is empty, captain!"
"Then, off we-".
"Oh wait, one sec!" Fionna shouted, dashing off down the hall.
"Let's not drag this out longer than we need to, Fionna!"
She returned with a familiar-looking box under her arm. Ice Queen craned her neck to get a better view of it, recognizing the color and the picture on the front.
"Why do you have a box of penguin snacks?"
"We're gonna be out all day," Fionna explained. "And you expect me not to bring any snacks?"
Ice Queen shook her head. "I'm not even going to ask why you have a taste for penguin munchies."
"What, they're tasty!" she replied with her mouth full before realizing it. She sheepishly closed the box again and tucked it into her backpack.
"Moving on," the queen said, taking the lead out to the mouth of the cave. "First I'll need to figure out which way we'll be headed today."
"Whatsa matter, forget where the goods are?"
"A queen never forgets," she said, making a move to roll up her sleeve before realizing her new dress didn't have any. "But just so there are no misunderstandings or wrong left turns, I'm going to call upon the aid of my friend here."
She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, casting an arm out in front. Shutting out the bright morning world, she attuned herself to the tiny sounds of microscopic snow crystals dancing on the breeze, and listened intently. A whisper emerged in the back of her brain, jolting her arm a tic to the right.
"That way," she said nonchalantly, marching off into the deeper snow.
Fionna hesitated, watching the queen's hair bob gently ahead of her. A final squeal of resistance inside of her demanded she take one last moment to reconsider venturing off into the unknown with her new girlfrenemy, and second-guess whether or not this idea was morally sound. She did take a moment, then shook her head and threw that caution to the icy wind. It was adventure time now, and may seven vengeful spirits of justice condemn her to an afterlife of torture if she wasn't going to take the plunge now.
She boldly took a step off the ice landing and into the deep snow, immediately slipping and skidding down the slope, further and further past the queen until she landed shoulder-first against a boulder with a heavy thud.
"Ow…".
"Watch your step," the queen warned.
"Shaddup."
They walked on mostly in silence for the first few minutes, giving their heads a chance to clear. Ice Queen occasionally paused to confirm they were headed in the correct direction. Fionna had spent most of the time wondering what kinds of things ice might say to crazy old person wearing a magic tiara.
"Lots of things, actually," Ice Queen responded, shifting her weight as she delicately moved her hand again to pick up the divining signal.
"What?"
"Ice is a very complex thing, not a lot of people understand that," she continued. "Sure, they know it by definition, what it does and how to make it, but they don't seem to grasp the deeper concepts it represents."
"...was I talking out loud before?"
"Yes."
"Oh...er, sorry," Fionna said, looking at the ground and idly kicking up a mound of snow.
"Don't be," the queen said, opening her eyes and pointing. "As I'm sure you're completely aware by now, I'm used to people calling me crazy, and I do happen to find ice super cool."
"Har har," Fionna said, taking the lead. "And of course you do, you're the dang queen of it."
"It's more than just that, Fionna," she replied patiently. "After I found this tiara, I started learning so much about ice, winter, crystals, all that. I became much more interested in the scientific concepts of it all than, say, how to use ice magic to make snow cobras and giant swinging ice pendulums."
"Whoa, you can make those?" Fionna asked, walking backwards with her arms out for balance.
"And more," the queen said with a grin. "But as I said, those aren't as important to me as understanding how each ice crystal works in tandem with the others, and how to unlock the maximum potential energy of each individual particle as I fuse them together with...are you yawning?"
"Noooo," Fionna yawned, covering her mouth. "I'm just...doing breathing exercises...as part of my cold weather survival regiment."
"I don't understand you, Fionna," she sighed, clearly disappointed. "You sound like you might just be interested in how ice magic works, but then when I actually talk about it you brush it off like it bores you to death."
"Well, it SOUNDS all nice and cool," she replied, weighing with her hands. "But then you just kinda stop talking about the rad stuff and focus on the blah blah dictionary part of it. It DOES bore me to death. You're a fun-sucker, just like Prince Gummyballs."
"Well, that's just the way it is!" the queen said, frowning. "You can't truly appreciate how a magnificent ice castle is constructed if you don't even understand how the crystals bond to form those sexy glass walls, now can you?"
"Okay, but that still sounds so globbin' boring! Yeesh, I just don't get how you have the patience for this junk...".
"Patience is learned through practice, bunny," the queen said as they approached a rather imposing and spiny cliff with a snarling cave mouth at its base. "It's not something you're just born with. Your mind has ways of inventing patience if you truly focus hard enough on what you're trying to learn."
"You're doing that thing again where I know the words but they don't make sense...".
"They'd make sense if you just focused!" Ice Queen snapped.
"Oh, who cares anyway?" Fionna shouted, folding her arms. "It's just dumb ice magic! So I'll never learn exactly how you can make big old lightning bolts out of frozen water, big deal! Let's just go get the stupid crystals so I can make my sword…".
The queen glared back, her mind racing to find an opening. Something was compelling her to keep going. To not lose this argument. That deep-rooted urge pushed a new idea into her head.
"Okay, how about this, then," she said, voice low and steady. "Learning about the fine points of Cryology and Ice Theory could help you make a better sword."
Fionna paused, and her expression thawed a bit. "...go on."
"You want to really learn why your sword came out clunky and heavy and imperfect?" the queen said, basting her words with the charm of talking in circles around an ancient secret. "Ice Theory is all about understanding exactly that. How crystals can be lighter than water but harder than boulders. If you understand that, you'll understand crystal swords."
There was a certain gleam in Fionna's eyes that the queen recognized immediately as the spark of interest. She had done it. Raw curiosity had been kindled. Time to fan the flames.
"And I should mention, there IS an easy way you could learn all of this..." she said, carefully choosing baited words and bringing her face closer. "I learned it all through hands-on trial and error, risky adventures...and I know how important both of those are to you. You can't learn lessons without them. So, perhaps you're right. Maybe the easiest way for you to learn is not through me reciting the facts to you like Prince Gumball would…".
She leaned forward and looked Fionna dead in the eye. "Perhaps you just need to wear the tiara yourself, and see it all firsthand."
For a moment, Fionna didn't say anything, just stared back in startled confusion. Her eyes slowly traveled up to the tiara, perched calmly atop the queen's head. The faint whisper of memory materialized behind her, an ethereal, distant voice she hadn't heard since she'd found the queen lying unconscious in the woods several nights ago.
She shook her head. "You want me to wear the tiara? Like, for serious?"
"A better question, Fionna, is are you WILLING to wear the tiara?" Ice Queen said, standing full height again. "Are you up to the challenge?"
Fionna raised an eyebrow in suspicion, hands on her hips. "Challenge? What challenge? You put it on your head and then suddenly you got magic dust under your fingernails. What's to know?"
"If only it were that easy," the queen responded, turning to walk into the mouth of the cavern before them. She held up a hand to provide some light. "The tiara isn't just a cursed helmet, you know...it's alive."
Fionna trotted along beside her, glancing around the cavern and taking stock of the gnarled stalagmites jutting out from the floor. A floor, she noted, that was made of stone rather than ice.
"Alive? But you just said it wasn't cursed...".
The queen nodded, still chuffed at securing Fionna's interest. "Well...not cursed like the usual sort of curse. It has a mind of its own. And it can be very fussy if you try to argue with it."
"That's baloney," Fionna said, grabbing on to stalagmites as they walked past. The floor was started to grade downward, and the queen's light spell wasn't illuminating much. "How can a tiara be fussy?"
"Want the official Gumball explanation, or the bite-sized Fionna version?"
"Go halfsies."
The queen frowned, struggling to compromise. "It's like...the tiara shows you where the magic is in the air and unlocks the flow of energy in your muscles needed to manipulate it. The tiara feeds off those magical discharges, and it compels you to use that magic every time you see it. Always. If you aren't completely focusing all of the time, it can squeeze in between the cracks in your brain and all but take over your brain completely, causing you to go nuts and throw magic everywhere."
"Oh, but lemme guess, you somehow got around all that cause you're Miss Superperfect and mastered the power anyway?" Fionna said, skeptical. She was walking more cautiously now, as the floor slanted steeper and curved to the right.
"Fionna, I've been an ice queen for probably a thousand years," the queen replied, speaking in an uncharacteristically serious tone. "And I'm STILL learning things about this tiara! There are no shortcuts here. It took cold, hard dedication to get to where I am, and nothing less."
"Okay then," Fionna conceded, turning her attention for a moment to the wall on her right. It had opened wide and the floor now formed a wide spiralling arc around a rather expansive pit. "So when you gonna let me wear it?"
"The time will come," the queen said. "Considering you have the attention span of a rabbit in spring right now, I don't think it would be wise yet. Soon, though."
"Aww, what? You just offered it to me like two seconds ago, you big booger…".
"Think for just a moment, Fifi. What happens to me when I'm not wearing the tiara?"
Fionna took a moment to flash back to her standing over the queen, threatening to kill."Oh yeah...you kinda start shrivelling up and getting all desperate, huh…".
"Precisely," the queen responded with a certain displeasure. "I'd need you to be paying full attention while using it, or else you'd surely get suckered into the tiara's trap, and I might die in the process. You don't want me to die, do you?"
Fionna stopped, a dull, familiar bell sound ringing in her head. "...no. No, I really don't."
She shook herself back into consciousness, trotting just behind the queen with her sword in hand. There seemed to be a strange presence in the air now. The air was still cold, but smelled musty and dank as well. She could almost feel that strange, invisible weight of someone watching the back of her neck.
"Yo queenie, are we alone down here?"
"Why, you getting ideas in your innocent little head again?"
"Shh," she said, tugging on the queen's dress as the slope of the ground ended and brought them to an open circular area at the bottom of the cave. "I'm pretty sure there's a dungeon boss in here."
"Great, then he can help us gather up these crystals." The queen pointed her light off to the far wall. Tiny beams bounced off the sharp crystal tips and scattered rainbows back at them.
"Oh cool, we found 'em after all," Fionna said, relaxing a bit. "How much we need?"
"As much as you can carry, miss Gun-Show."
"Heh heh, watch and be amazed then, miss Brainfreeze!"
She sauntered across the open cave floor, her boots making muffled thump noises with each step. It was hard to see in the low-light, but it felt like the floor was covered in a blanket of something very soft. Probably powder snow, she told herself.
She hadn't completely shaken the idea that someone was watching her, though. Some unseen presence that was lingering just out of range of all five of her senses. She could almost smell it, if not for the unsettling burnt dust smell hovering in the air.
"So what, they just pop right out? Do I have to be gentle or anything?"
"Frankly darling, if we needed a gentle touch, I wouldn't be entrusting this task to you," came the sarcastic reply.
"Oh go suck a hamburger," Fionna grumbled, grabbing hold and yanking on the nearest exposed crystal shard in the vein. "You're just makin' me do all the heavy lifting 'cause you're still a weak little baaaaAAAAYYO, what the scrap is that?!"
From across the room, a huge shadow scuttled forward, barreling past her and bringing a wake of dust and debris. She clutched her stomach and coughed, blinking the dirt away to try and get a look at the monster. It looked like a giant bug at least three times her size, but its body was draped in heavy tufts of some kind. The dim light from the queen's magic wasn't enough to see much else. She pushed to her feet and brandished her sword, waiting for it to make another pass.
"Get the crystals, Fionna!" Ice Queen said, charging up an ice spell.
"Ice Queen, don't! You're too weak for this right now!" Fionna said, watching the beast skitter around on nearly silent feet, spinning around and charging toward her again. "I gotcha, girl!"
Timing its charge, Fionna leapt up and thrust down with her sword. She felt it make contact just as an oncoming cloud of dust hit her square in the face and knocked her away. She sputtered and coughed again, spitting out chunks of lint. The monster seemed unfazed, and turned around again, making a slurping, hissing sound.
"I think it's...like a dust spider...or something…" Fionna managed to choke out, wearily pulling herself back upright.
"Try closing your mouth, then!" Ice Queen shouted, firing a small ice bolt in the spider's direction. A miss. "And grab the crystals like I told you to!"
"Kinda busy at the moment!"
She put a hand over her mouth and nose, took a deep breath, then held it in her cheeks as she took another swipe at the oncoming rush of giant legs. Again, the sword made contact, but did nothing more than release a burst of dust into her face.
"Ugh" she grumbled into her arm. "I can't do anything against him with this bum sword!"
"Then just grab the crystals and we'll fly out of here," the queen demanded, edging her way along the wall and casting small bolts down at the spider. "It's not complicated, Fionna!"
"But this bozo will just chase us, and he's freakin' FAST!" she replied, dodging another rush. "And stop usin' magic, you're gonna burn yourself out!"
"Well, one of us has to do something useful around here!"
"RRRRGH!" she growled, hopping up on the spider's back. She hacked and chopped, stabbed and thrust, getting only a mouthful of dust bunnies in the process. The spider finally threw her off and backed up, preparing for a charge up the slope, to tackle them both.
"You're right, queenie," she said, wiping the dust from her eyes. "I can't hit him...and those dinky little snowflakes of yours aren't doing diddly neither!"
"Got any better ideas, then?"
Fionna stared back at her for a moment. Their eyes made contact.
"The tiara!" they said in unison.
The queen put a hand over her nose and inhaled deeply, puffing herself up. She slowly pulled the tiara from her head and reluctantly handed it to Fionna. Behind them, the spider hissed again.
The moment her fingertips touched the tiara, time itself seemed to slow down as a cold sensation shot through her veins, pumped out to every corner of her body. She felt a tiny throb of life inside her, like one single, powerful beat of her own heart. She shivered as she placed it gently atop her own head, just under the lip of her trademark bunny hat.
And then she opened her eyes.
Shimmering, shining lights flashed and flickered all around her. Beams of blue and waves of white pulsed in harmonic rhythm, a symphony of sparkles coming from all directions. She spread her arms apart, feeling the smooth chill of winter winds lift her up off the ground. She watched her own hands phasing into blue as they super-cooled and developed tiny rainbow halos around each fingertip. The dangling tuft of hair in front of her face grew longer and thicker, shifting in hue from goldenrod to snow white.
From her suspended perch in the air, she looked down at the dust spider on the cave floor. He seemed much smaller now, and moved much slower. A twinge in her arm jolted it forward, and her hand automatically balled up around a nearby pocket of light energy. As she stared at it, she swore she could see right through her own hand, her veins pumping slowly with a distinct and familiar purple blood.
The energy wound itself up inside her arm, snaking and squeezing its way up through her very muscles. The energy was enormous, and made an audible buzzing sound in her ear. Her eyes widened. Her lips tingled. She pulled her hand back, and watched it shoot forward, a massive spear of solid ice firing down below, straight into the spider's body. It stopped dead in its tracks, its legs flailing around aimlessly for a moment before dropping.
It turned its head upward, locking eyes with Fionna's, and in a stilted, shuddering voice, said, "Tegenaria atrica…do not forget me, mother...".
Fionna stared down at the dead monster, the familiar sensation of victory flooding into her senses. She breathed deep the sharp, cold air, and let out a maddening cackle. Her voice bounced and echoed off the cavern walls, a laughter she'd never heard herself utter before this day.
She let the winds blow her around the cavern in circles as she laughed, wondering where she'd heard this sound before. Something stepped out from the corner of her brain. She stopped flying. Stopped cackling. She listened.
She focused.
A voice was shouting something at her from down below. She quickly glared back down at the spider, fingers tingling with anticipation. The spider was still dead. She turned her head and saw Ice Queen, standing beside the vein of crystals they'd come for in the first place. Her hand was outstretched. She sounded angry.
She focused.
She slowly descended on the breeze, snow appearing where her feet met the cave floor. The queen was reaching out for her. She slowly reached up and wrapped her fingers around the tiara, eyes locked on the queen's. The tiara seemed to have grown heavier, and felt like it was pressing into her skull, growing its roots into her brain. Distant, unintelligible shouting sounds filled her ears.
She focused.
With a great effort, she removed the crown from her head and helped Ice Queen place it back on hers. The strange lights and whispered breezes slowly faded away, to be replaced by her usual five senses. The first normal thing she felt again was breathing the cold, musty air of the cavern.
"...I did it," she coughed.
"You certainly did, yes," the queen said, breathing heavily herself.
"I had no idea...what that thing was like…" she said, leaning against the wall. "I saw…things. Colors…".
"You saw what I like to call the Song of Solstice," the queen replied, straightening up like any normal queen should. "Everything you saw was crystals and light-refraction. Or, as others like to call it, magic!"
Fionna turned her head to look at the still-glittering crystal vein jutting from the cave wall. "Crystals…". The glinting lines formed by the edges of the crystals she'd seen moments ago were still burned into her vision. They formed complex shapes and patterns that she didn't understand until she stopped thinking about them.
She then glanced down at her sword. The same patterns were there too, though much duller and harder to understand.
"Ice Queen…" she said, eyes firmly fixated on the crystal blade. "I just saw a bunch of squiggly lines and shapes, and tiny shapes inside of those shapes, and somehow they made sense. They meant things. Was that...that world-in-a-snowflake thing you talked about before?"
The queen smiled. "So you understand now? Amazing, isn't it."
She tore her eyes away from the sword to look up. "It really WAS amazing...I think I get it now. How the crystals link together and stuff. All this time I kinda thought all that ice crystalballogy stuff was just you tryin' to start some crazy ice cult or something. I didn't realize it was literally what you saw all the time with that tiara on your noggin."
"What's this I'm hearing now?" the queen said, with a hinted gloat. "Is this an admission of my actual coolness?"
Fionna sighed, then chuckled. "Yeah, I guess that was pretty cool!"
"I knew you were interested, I just knew it!" the queen said triumphantly. "I saw the spark in your eyes. It really was only a matter of time before I turned you on to crystology and showed you just how cool ice theory can be!"
"Ha, you little sneak...you totally just psychologied me again, didn't you?"
"You already wanted it, Fionna," the queen said, pulling out shards of crystal from the wall and handing them to her. "Remember? You wanted to learn how to make a sword. It just so happened that ice theory and crystal swords have a few things in common."
"Huh, so they do…" Fionna pondered, stuffing the crystals into the backpack. "Maybe learning all this ice and crystal junk before learning sword-making won't be so boring after all...".
The queen paused for a moment, a distant smile approaching.
"I mean, if you'll keep me around for longer, that is," Fionna said, shifting her weight. "Whaddya say, queenie? Teach your new girlfriend to use your tiara?"
Ice Queen didn't respond at first, just slowly continued plucking crystals, lost in some dreamy afterthought. She realized she hadn't been paying attention and quickly turned to face her new girlfriend.
"Oh, and feed me, too," Fionna added, pulling the penguin snacks from her backpack. "Gotta have my munchies. And, uh...maybe smooch me some more, while we're at it?"
"You're actually serious about this," the queen finally said. "You really want me to teach you ice magic. I finally found a willing student who wants to learn MY particular brand of magic, without any coercion at all. You want me to TEACH you...".
"And feed me," Fionna reminded her. "Very important."
"I still don't understand why, though. Why do you suddenly want to learn?"
"I already told you," Fionna replied, shouldering her sword. "I gotta learn how to make babies like this one. The sword you made for me was perfect in probably every way, and I can't believe I lost it in the Flame Princident...that old sword is gone now. But, even if it was perfect, it was an Ice Queen sword. The sword I WANT needs to be a Fionna sword."
She took a step forward, putting a hand on the queen's shoulder. "And you're the only one who can teach me how to make one of those."
Ice Queen stared at her for a moment, then at the floor. This was the opportunity of her lifetime, to finally teach a willing student everything she had taught herself over the years. Her mind screamed that it was a trick, a counterattack meant to disarm her, a dirty trick being used to win the eternal game of life. And yet, she also knew Fionna simply wasn't capable of a trick like that. Her inclination for learning was absolutely genuine, and the queen wasn't entirely sure how to respond to that.
"Remember when you asked me about doing something for myself the other night?" Fionna said, amazed she'd remembered any of last night's conversation at all. "Well this is what I want, queenie."
"You wanna hang out with a crazy old slag-hag like me?"
"Yeah...I wanna spend time with my girlfriend," Fionna said with a smile. She took the queen's hand in hers and began leading her back out of the cave. "Now come on, let's get out of this nasty cave."
They stepped in rhythm together up and out into the open winter air, Fionna beaming with pride at her secret plan to keep the queen happy in action. The queen stayed quiet most of the way, a faint smile and a hint of blush on her face all the while. That is, until she had to stop Fionna from choking on a mouthful of penguin snacks.