Chapter Fifteen: Thunder and Lightning

The winds had picked up considerably by the time I had walked back on the top deck. The sails were bloated with the severe gusts of wind and the lines and rigging rattled about in unison. The waves thrashed against the boat with angry roars and the clouds thickened into dark puffs of uncontainable fury. But despite it all, I still wanted to find Roland and clear things up between us. As brother and sister, we normally did fine together, but as brother and brother, we continued to hurl fire at each other's scorched faces. I was burned enough, and I would not be burned any more.

It wasn't difficult to find Roland amongst the men. I spotted him at the stern of the ship, his top hat so distinguishable, on the poop deck with Andre, and I wisely decided not to hail him and reveal my arrival.

When I got close enough to him to hear what he was saying, he was asking Andre what life in England was like. I waited a while before I intruded, my tentativeness firmly controlling my actions. I merely contented myself with being ignored in their company. I was certain that they knew I was nearby, and I was sure that Roland noticed me and therefore tried all the harder to focus on his conversation with Andre. But if the storm came before I had a word with Roland, I would jump overboard. Of course, I was being a bit unreasonable there, but I would not live another moment if Roland and I were not back to good, old rarely quarrelsome siblings.

"Mister Turner?" I said at last. Andre's head turned to me and Roland simply scowled and glowered at the seething ocean.

"Hullo, Jack," said Andre, greeting me with a smile. "I wa' jus' talkin' to Mister Turner here, and we was talkin' about what it'd be like in Portsmouth."

"That's interesting, Andy," I replied, looking at him and then back at Roland's hunched shoulders. "But I need to talk with Mister Turner for just a moment."

"Sure, go ahead." He stepped aside and I took his spot beside Roland, leaning out over the edge of the deck and letting my eyes fall on the cobalt blue sea.

"I suppose you want to know why I'm here," I said, seeing that Roland would not speak or answer unless I did first. That was still very much like him to do so.

"I believe I already know," he sighed, taking off his hat and running a hand through his hair. He'd grown it out, just as every other man had done.

"You've come to ask why I don't talk to you anymore; why I stay clear of mingling in your affairs and why I distance myself from you. And if that is the case, then you have come here to talk about it because you don't like not having me helping you and solving your predicaments. You want the assurance and companionship returned."

For the first time in months, Roland looked directly at me, his eyes mirroring the grey of the clouds. He did not look depressed. He looked tired, and his taut visage told me he was trying to hide his anger too much, but for the weak hope that the conversation would end peacefully, he remained composed.

"Yes," I answered. "I mean, yes, I've found some new mates to help me and I've been learning to solve things on my own, but you're still missing, Roland. I can trust you with anything I'll say and you'll protect my words. You'll protect me and currently, I do not feel so safe anymore on this ship. Of course, I doubt I was even at all very safe, but I could always tell you things and you'd understand, but now… now… there's nothing. There's no Roland. No brother."

"You should have considered that when you decided to brave all and ignore my warnings. Besides, you have trustworthy Bennett and caring Dobbin and Andre to help you out, don't you?" he replied cynically, fire about to spurt from his hot mouth. "That is, after all, the path you chose. And well, I have my own path. Best keep our destinies separate." My nose twitched with just the faintest bit of intolerance but I swallowed any of my anger down. Fighting with him would not solve my problem.

"That's true," I admitted, "but I'm really scared now, Roland. You don't know what's been going on and I—"

"And I don't want to know!" he interrupted. "And, if you are so scared then why did you decide to join? Did I not tell you life on the ocean was no easy thing? Did I not tell you that things would be difficult!" He threw his hat on the floor and I could sense his buildup of emotion slowly escaping in bursts of anger and scorn.

"And they are. But I can't do everything by myself. Roland, the men are—"

"Oh, and what about the scary men, Jack? You were brave enough to stand up to the damn French captain and be the hero of the ship and yet you are fearful of your own brothers on board!" he mocked, making my head bow low from the humiliation. "You're the great Jackaroe! The bloody damn bastard who has the captain's favor and redoubtable courage and who has every blasted man on this damned ship adore him for his achievement!"

Roland was screaming so hard that my ears were ringing and the men who were nearby were giving us looks. I couldn't look at him and my nose was itching with snot and my eyes were watering with the flood of degradation.

"Why the hell should I pity you? Why should I help you, you wily son of bitch, when you obviously don't need the help! Aren't I just a dimwitted ass what don't know any better than you, oh great mighty one?"

That plugged up my sniveling self and my eyes jolted towards him, blazing with anger and confusion. How could he have said that I was excelling at such an enormous rate? I wasn't. I was drowning in my own problems and he wouldn't even take the time to help me… despite all we've been through. But his words pushed fire into my head and I couldn't react in the way I had hoped.

"All you bloody did was sulk and march off all day long!" I screamed. "Well, no wonder I've achieved more than you!" I took a step forward, my fingers stiffening as they desired to bend into a hard fist.

"You don't understand anything, dammit!" he screamed, a clear glaze of wetness covering his stormy eyes. "I'm your brother, Jack! It's my job to look out for you! Even back home I was always taught to look out for you! To be right by your side and what do you do? You put yourself in the hands of a backstabbing bastard like Bennett!"

"He's not a bastard!" I defended, stomping my foot, and my knuckles stretching moon-white. "And I told you it was under the captain's orders! And then you have the nerve to tell me that I don't understand when you don't either!" I was critically hurt when Roland had called Bennett a backstabbing bastard. The lad was far from one and strangely for me, I could not control my immediate defense for my newfound friend. I even felt tears well in my eyes.

"Oh, now you are going to weep, is that it, Jack? Weepin' for poor unarmed Bennett! Well let me tell this to you, Jackaroe," he roared, "Bennett doesn't need the help of stupid, inane simpletons like you! He could care less about you and your worthless asinine dreams." My patience broke, and like shattered glass my emotions fell into pieces. I became unstable, confused, and wounded and there was only one action that fit my feelings.

I felt threatened, and my fists were clenched and aching.

Roland stayed firmly in his place, his grey eyes glancing at my fists and he boiled with hot anger all the more.

"Go ahead and hit me, ya damned piece of—"

"I won't! I won't hit you!" I wailed, just simply hoping that he'd stop acting like such an ass, but it was useless. Brother was no more… "I never planned on taking you out of my life! I never meant to take away your opportunities and your dreams, but how could I have known? You refused to let me know!"

Roland was out of excuses. It was time for him to give his reasons, not his poor defenses, but the truth.

Only, he didn't want to.

"I hate you!" he spat. "You're better off on your own finding that filthy bastard father of yours by yourself. You can find that pathetic pirate swine and roll in a pool of horse shit until you drown!"

That pushed me over the edge. He had called Jack a filthy bastard and a dirty swine. He didn't know Jack. He had no right to say that about him.
No. Right. At. All.

Fury pumped through my veins and before I knew it, I raised my fist and smacked Roland right in the jaw, causing him to stumble back. And I, foaming with ire, lunged at him, blind with my own hatred to stop myself. "Take it back!" I shrilled. "My dad ain't a filthy bastard and you know it! He's the best man in the world, God dammit!" I was yelling through my own sobs now, wrestling with Roland on the deck, rapping his face with my fist brainlessly. And he hit me back harder than I hit him.

"If he made you, well then he is without doubt the biggest goddamn cur in history!" sneered Roland, boxing the side of my head.

"Shut up!" I cried, pinning him to the floor and ready to clout his bruised face when a hand grasped my own and jerked me away from Roland.

"Get 'em up," commanded Mister Sumner, glaring at both Roland and me. "Call for the captain." Bennett was amongst the crowd and helped me up as Dobbin did the same for Roland.

"I pray that you die," muttered Roland, wiping his bloodied jaw with his sleeve.

"Likewise," I shot back before Mister Sumner sent me another glare and whacked my face good to get me to shut up. With a wet, bruised and bloody face, I was hauled away to Doctor Cavanaugh, and oddly enough, a clap of thunder boomed overhead, and it started to rain.

I was treated quickly by Cavanaugh. I did not have many open cuts or anything. Just bruises, for my row with Roland was thankfully stopped early by Mister Sumner, the bosun. I was given some medicine to stop the swelling and throbbing and soon after that, I was sent above decks once again.

Sadly, Roland was also up there, ordering some men about to tie the sails so that the extreme wind would not prove as the destroyer of a mast. So were Andre and Bennett, but Andre was up in the sails, and Bennett was busy with the other midshipmen measuring the speed of the boat in the storm winds. I was stupid to not have worn my coat when I walked on deck. Mother Nature was damned furious with us and freely enjoyed knocking our ship about with torrential waves and bullets of incessant rain.

"Boy! Up the foretopmast and tie the sails!" came Mister Sumner's call, followed by his shrieking whistle. "All hands on deck!" he yelled.

Running against the wind and feeling the gales blow the rain straight into my face, I scaled the ratlines, nearly falling off from a sudden wave that pummeled the larboard side of the ship. Lightning flashed in the sky, illuminating the dark atmosphere in a striking flash for less than a second. The growls and discontent of the clashing clouds bellowed all the louder above and swept wave after wave over our poor ship. I managed to cling for dear life to the shrouds when a wave banged against us, but quickly crawled up when I had my chance.

At last, I reached the foretopmast and quickly stepped onto a horse line and balanced myself as I reached over the yardarm and pulled on the slings of the sail. The salty sea water spewed from the sky and belted me in the face, making my eyes sting with the brackishness. I hurriedly pulled up the sail, panicky and with feet fumbling to stay on the line. I wasn't even sure why I was doing the work. I was not one of the foretop men. I was just a wee ship's boy. What good was I?

"Hurry up, lad! Storm's gettin' worse!" suggested the sailor working right beside me. He had finished tying up his part of the sail.

"I can't!" I yelled back, the howling wind sweeping my voice away. I was shaking from the cold and I couldn't find the other end of the rope to tie my sail together.

"Forget it then!"

"But my ord—" I was drenched in a wave and lost my footing. I gave a yelp and my arms reached for the yardarm and I managed to cling to it instead of falling to my death. I resolved to get down as quickly as possibly. The sky was nearly black with rage and the ocean water had turned a steely grey. Just like Roland's eyes, I thought, as I crawled down the ratlines.

Suddenly, as I was climbing down, the ship tipped on a dangerous angle and I gripped the lines so tightly that my knuckles were stretched to their limits, and my face was pressed into the bristly rope for more security. A terrible wave had heaved up and smashed against the starboard side of the boat, gushing currents over the deck. It was so powerful that I heard wood creaking, and then unexpectedly crack completely off the boat. The sounds were all I heard. I did not dare open my eyes until I knew it was entirely safe to go down again.

"Man overboard!" came the bosun's cry.

Dear God, I prayed. Please let me live out this night. I'm sorry.

The ship regained balance as the waves gave us some leeway and quickly, I descended down the shrouds, landing on the deck with the sole intent on getting back below and avoiding further duty. Cowardice it would seem, yes, but I would not dare challenge the sea. I challenged a man and that was a mistake, and the all-powerful ocean would surely crush me if I even attempted to defy her.

I passed by the part of the ship that had broken off from the strength of the waves, and through the opening, I saw a hat in the water. But it wasn't just any hat.

It was Roland's.