I find the church and go inside. Captain Miller is sitting on a pew right by the door with Sergeant Horvath and I incline my head toward him, thanking him for letting me join his squad. He returns the gesture and goes back to talking with Horvath.
The others are toward the middle of the church and when I spot Daniel I go straight for him, happy that when he leaves I will be going with him.
His back is to me, but Reiben and Mellish can see me coming and say his name, nodding behind him. He turns and I wrap my arms around him.
"Did Captain Miller tell you?" I ask.
"Tell us what?" Reiben asks.
"Gentlemen," Miller says from behind me. "Meet the newest member to our squad."
I look up to see Daniel's reaction and joy flits across his face, and then it gets laced with worry.
"You're kidding?!"
"Captain, we can't take a woman with us-"
"She's been in combat before, and Captain Dunne tells me she's as good as any man he's served with. She's also a medic, and I'm sure Wade won't mind having an extra pair of hands," Miller says.
"No sir," Wade calls out from where he's sitting, writing something.
"Well at least we get to make fun of all the mushy things they're bound to do," Reiben mutters and I raise an eyebrow. I doubt Daniel will be too affectionate where others can see. While he can be quite loving and compassionate, he tends to only really show it when we're alone, or with his ma and sister. Anyone outside of that little group he tends to restrain himself a little more, although he'll still hold my hand or put an arm around my waist, like he's doing now.
As Reiben and Mellish start to fall into their pattern of bickering, the happiness of Miller and Dunne's decision fades as I remember what Dunne asked me to do, and I know he's right. I swallow, starting to get nervous.
"Darlin'?" Daniel asks quietly so the others won't hear, noticing my unease right away.
"I need to tell you something," I say and he nods. We walk toward the back of the church, where there's a room, its door a curtain that I pull back. We step inside and he pulls it closed.
"Lilly darlin', what is it?" Daniel asks as feelings of sorrow and pain and grief plow over me as I remember the child I lost.
"I-I've been keeping something from you, something happened a year ago, right before I joined the army," I say anxiously. "And I don't want to lie to you anymore. You deserve to know."
"Lilly, sweetheart," he says and puts his hands on my arms, rubbing up and down them. "Calm down, I'm sure it can't be that bad."
The utter falsity of that statement makes me give a watery laugh before tears start to cloud my vision. Daniel's concern doubles and he envelops me in a hug.
"Daniel, I was pregnant," I say and every muscle in his body freezes.
"When you le-left for basic, a couple months later I-I suspected I was pregnant. I didn't te-tell you, I wanted to b-be sure first," I explain, my tears impeding my ability to speak.
He seems to regain his senses somewhat and pushes me backward to sit on a bench. He kneels in front of me, clasping my hands in his and waits for me to collect myself enough to continue.
"When i-it was confirmed, I was going t-to write you, tell you, but Al-Alice and I fell ill, and the ne-next week I-I… I lost the baby," I say, starting to sob harder.
A moment later his arms are around me again.
"I'm so sorry Daniel," I cry. "I-I should have- I didn't-"
"Shh," he soothes, rubbing my back. "Shh, it's gonna be okay darlin'. It's gonna be alright."
While Daniel's brain is slowly processing the fact his wife was going to have a child, his foremost thoughts are on the fact Lilly is in pain, and crying.
"I'm so sorry. Daniel, oh god, I'm sorry," I say between gasps for air.
"Shh, it wasn't your fault sweetheart. It happens, it wasn't your fault," he says gently.
As I start to calm down, he lean back and wipes away the remainder of my tears with his thumbs. He kisses my forehead, careful of the cut there.
"Why didn't you tell me? You could've written it in one of your letters," he asks.
"I didn't want you to find out through a piece of paper. And you were in a war; I didn't want to cause you any more pain. And I… I didn't think I could handle it if you blamed me," I admit quietly.
"Why would I blame you?" he asks astonished.
I close my eyes and whisper. "Because I blame myself."
"Lilly," he says sharply and I flinch. I start to fold in on myself, pulling away from him, but his hands catch my arms, holding me in place.
"Lilly," he says again, softer this time. He sighs, realizing his mistake- because of how my dad abused me, I hate fighting, and have trouble when people raise their voice. When I've directly involved in these arguments, my mind tells me it's not safe and to leave the situation, not just physically, but mentally.
Daniel and I have had our fair share of arguments, but they were never really arguments. We always worked out our problems calmly and reasonably, but there are some times we raised our voices. I always get sent back there, my instincts telling me to retreat into myself whenever that happens, like right now.
Daniel slowly, so I can see his movements, comes closer to me. He puts his hands on mine, slowly sliding them up my arms. One stops on my neck, right below my jaw, and the other goes to gently cup my cheek. I relax slightly, starting to come back to him. "Look at me darlin'."
I open my eyes and there's no anger on his face, just love and concern.
"Lilly, this wasn't your fault, do you believe me?" he asks firmly.
The large amount of guilt I feel lessens- hearing it from him makes all the difference. Coming from him I can believe it. I was so afraid of how he would react, if he would be angry. Looking back that now it seems so silly.
The stress from my body fades. I nod tearfully and he kisses my lips ever so softly before kissing my forehead and hugging me again. I grip his jacket as my breathing levels out.
"Jackson! Or… Jacksons!" Mellish says, his voice getting louder as he gets closer. "Can I come in, or are you two getting dirty?"
I let out a small laugh, along with a slight blush and Daniel just rolls his eyes. "Mellish, just get your ass in here."
Mellish pulls the curtain open, but his grin slips off when he sees the tear stains on my face. "Sorry."
"Its fine," Daniel says, "What's going on?"
"Captain said to get some sleep, we're moving out in three hours. But first he wants you to help Lilly get her gear together and bring it here before lights out," he tells us and Daniel nods.
Mellish backs out of the room, sliding the curtain shut and Daniel turns back to me.
"You okay darlin'?" he asks.
"I will be," I say and lean toward him. He meets me halfway for a hug and I close my eyes, taking a moment to get myself together before we have to go outside.
When I'm ready, I pull away and stand, Daniel holding onto my hand, intertwining our fingers together.
It only takes a few minutes to retrieve my gear from the makeshift hospital. After filling up my canteen, checking to see if I have rations, checking the ammo I have for my gun, and grabbing any medical supplies I may need, we go back to the church.
Miller and Horvath are still up, talking quietly. Mellish, Reiben, Upham, and Wade are all lying down, some asleep, and some trying to get asleep.
We pass Reiben who opens his eyes and says, "You two, take the room back there, it'll give you more… privacy, and hopefully you won't wake us up."
I blush scarlet and he laughs. Mellish leans out and kicks him in the stomach.
"Shit Fish, that hurt!" Reiben whisper yells.
"Leave them alone and go to sleep!" Mellish says back.
I smile in amusement and whisper, "Thanks Fish."
"Anytime doll, any reason to kick this sorry excuse of a-"
"Sorry excuse!" Reiben protests.
"Although, if you two are going to do something, remember that Reiben needs his beauty sleep, and frankly, so do I," Mellish teases.
I roll my eyes and drag Daniel toward the back room. He picks up his stuff on the way and we enter the room, dropping our bags on the ground. Daniel unrolls his blanket and I take out mine and he sits on the floor. He lies down on his side and yanks on my arm, and I fall right on top of him. We both laugh a little and I smile at him.
"I missed you Daniel," I whisper.
"I missed you too sweetheart," he says and I smile at this term of affection. He only uses it when we're alone; otherwise he just calls me darlin'.
I lean down as he lifts his head up and we kiss, full of passion and love. When it ends I move off him and he turns onto his side. I lay with my back to him and he lays his arm over my side, practically dragging me toward him, not having the patience to wait for me to move closer. I giggle and pull the blankets over us. He shifts and I can feel his breath on my neck, his face buried in my hair.
"I love you," he says.
"And I love you," I say back, no hesitation whatsoever.
His hand finds mine and intertwines out fingers. He presses a soft kiss to my neck before saying, "Get some sleep sweetheart, we don't have long."
I close my eyes and for the first time in a long time, I feel at ease. Everything is right in my world again; Daniel is with me.