propitiatory
if you get a second chance, make the most of it.
Much to Sasuke's surprise, it didn't take another world or another life, although sometimes it had felt that way. He was home. It had taken him far too many years, but he had finally realized that all along, he has been so very lost. Only now, after so much pain and heartbreak, could he admit that without Naruto, without her, he had been nothing more than misguided child, driven by his insecurities. Now, looking back, resentment simmers at allowing others to use him so freely, the feeling almost like shame, though he'd be loath to admit it out loud. But the thing about Sakura is that he never has to. She can sense it; she can feel it without as much as a word.
And that is why his stoicism has never deterred her – she's always seen more than he ever meant her to. As a child, she brashly tried to force her way into his heart over and over, but now, as a woman, she is soft, steady – her eyes conveying her sympathy, her patience, and her love, always love.
At first, he could not bear seeing it – after all he had done, he knew he did not deserve it. He is still plagued by the occasional dreamed memories that leave him in a guilt-stricken cold sweat – standing in the glow of a streetlight, holding her unconscious body above a stone bench; pointedly ignoring her, looking down on his former team with what he hoped would pass for condescension; his hand, crackling with electricity, as he kept desperately telling himself, This won't kill her, she can heal, she can heal; her umpteenth declaration of her love for him and subjecting her to a cruel genjustu he could barely force himself to inflict; these are just a handful of the the sins he's committed against her, and though this past is something she's forgiven him for, he cannot fathom how. For him, there is no amount of penitence in the world that could make up for what he has done.
But she never makes him question that forgiveness. When he looks at her, truly looks at her, he sees no resentment there, no grudge being held, only her as the woman she has changed into while he wasn't looking: the fierce determination of an Akatsuki-slayer, the willpower of someone who does whatever it takes to save lives, the strength of a girl who has been deeply hurt but chose to grow because of it. And beneath all that, there is always the steadfastness of her feelings for him. They have matured from the saccharine infatuation of a child into the truly unconditional love of a woman, a woman who would have – and has – done whatever she could in order to save him from himself. She has always been a fixer, and he is most definitely broken.
Now, he sees that that is all she has ever wanted for him – for him to be whole again. She has never asked for much from him – only that he be happy, only that he let go of anger and hatred. Sakura is too selfless, he knows – she puts others before herself without a thought for her own pain. And though he knew in the guiltiest corner of his heart that his apology was not enough, watching her tears as she healed him and Naruto he saw that she would pardon him, she would let go. And it was then that he knew he had been blessed with a gift, one that he promised himself he would not take for granted this time around.
In the weeks that followed, she was careful, he saw, and she did not bring up painful topics, did not ask the hard questions. During his stay in the hospital, Sakura made no mention of her desperate attempt to stop him after the battle with Kaguya. There was no pressure from her, but he swore he wasn't imagining the glimmer of hope he sometimes caught in the crease of her eyes or the upward tilt of her lips. Though he knows he has to leave – for without his journey of redemption, he would never feel even close to worthy of being in her life – Sasuke feels older and perhaps a bit wiser, considering carefully the way he will conduct this departure. No secrets this time, no lies.
Standing at the gate, he listens to Kakashi remind him how lucky he is, and more importantly, not to screw up again. Saying sorry is easier the more he does it, and this seems to appease the new Hokage. But Sakura is silent until after he does so, her lips finally shaping the words he knew would be coming – is he really leaving? They're almost done with his new arm, she tells him, but he knows what it really means – please stay. He tells her the truth – that he needs to go, that he can finally see – and hopes that it is enough. When she looks at the ground, the words that come next are painfully familiar – what if I asked you to take me with you?
He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and says the words he know will hurt her – that his sins have nothing to do with her. Sasuke knows that this time he needs to clean up his own mess, and that he cannot take her, cannot drag her down into the dark with him, but he does not expound on these details. Her reaction is what he expected – disappointment, resignation, so he steps closer, and when Sakura looks up, he does something so foreign and yet familiar, so strange, yet right, hoping she will understand.
Sasuke pledges his love in a smile he hasn't shown anyone in years, in a promise to return, to come home, in gentle fingers on that forehead she hated for so long. She's surprised, and he prays that she will see his sincerity as he quietly repeats the words he told her so long ago… Thank you. For what, he does not have to say, because it's the same now as it was then – he is grateful to her for believing in him, for never giving up on him, and most of all, for loving him.
Her uncanny hair flutters in the breeze and jade eyes widen, because finally, finally, he has let her in, he has wanted her to truly see, and Sasuke knows she has grasped what he is unable to say. Turning to leave is much harder this time than it was those long years ago, but she does not try to stop him. She understands the vow he's made, and she has faith in him.
He will come back. He will come back home, to Konoha, he will come back to the dysfunctional family that makes up their team, and most importantly, he will come back to her.