This takes place before the movie and the war. Daniel's father I don't mention in the story, but he died shortly before the war. He's still alive when this takes place. This just gives you a little more insight into Daniel and Lilly's lives before the war at home, just in case you were curious or wanted more to read about them. The next chapter is a continuation of this.
Daniel and his father drop me off at my father's house- not my home, this isn't home, the Jackson house is home. I say a quick goodbye to Daniel and Jack; they promise to come back early tomorrow to help me pack up the rest of my things. I turn 18 tomorrow and the first thing I'm doing with this new freedom is move out of my father's.
My father has been hitting me for years. My mother died when I was young, when we were living in New York. After we moved here, without my mother to protect me and take most of the beatings, my father turned his attention fully on me. I met Daniel a few days later and we instantly became best friends. Now we're dating, and half of my nights are spent at the Jackson house. Daniel found out about the abuse a while ago, and he finally convinced me years later to tell his parents a few weeks ago. That's when they asked me to move in with them- to get me away from my father. They hated knowing I was there just like Daniel; they didn't want me to get hurt anymore.
A few days ago I told my dad about my plan to change residences, and he took it surprisingly well. He didn't yell, or scream at me, or…anything.
Daniel kisses my cheek and I hop out of the car. There's a light rain and I run into the house. I unlock the door and shut the door as quietly as possible. My curfew is seven, and it's still light out, but it's entirely possible that my father's asleep and I don't want to wake him up. But when I turn around I find the tiptoeing was in vain. My father is sitting on the couch awake, a bottle of beer- mostly empty- in his hand. Just seeing the expression on his face I instinctively take a step back.
"You were with him again, weren't you?" he asks angry.
I nod and he looks at me livid. "Why would anyone want to be with a worthless slut like you?"
I flinch and close my eyes, remembering to do what Daniel said; he said that whenever my father says something like this, remember this, remember how he told me I was beautiful, and loved, and precious beyond measure to him.
I open my eyes and see my father getting to his feet drunkenly. "First you're late, now you're not even listening! God, why are you so stupid?"
I flinch again, shuffling back as he walks toward me.
"Why did I have to have such an ungrateful, filthy whore for a daughter?"
I shudder as he reaches me, pressing myself against the door as much as possible. I flick my eyes up to his, freezing when I see the pure and unadulterated rage and hate in them.
I turn and yank the door open, but his hand slams down on it, closing it with a loud bang. He grabs my arm and throws me to the floor. I hear the familiar clicks of the locks and scramble to my feet as he stalks toward me. His hand grips my throat, pushing me back into the wall. My hands try to pry his hand away, but it's no use, he's three times stronger than me.
"Did you really think you were just going to be able to leave?" he spits. "You're not going anywhere unless I say so!"
I realize he's talking about me moving out tomorrow and he squeezes my neck. He drags me down the hall and I try to get him to let me go, but I then remember what Daniel and Jack taught me about how to defend yourself. Firstly, don't panic, you have to think.
And so thinking, I instead try to get closer to him rather than pull away. I lean my head forward to bite his wrist. He yells out in pain and his grip loosens on my neck loosens enough for me to get free. I run back the hall trying to get to the back door there, but he runs after me, catching me by my shirt. It pulls me to a halt rather roughly and I use the wall to stop myself from falling to the ground. I turn around in time to see him right in front of me. He pushes me by the shoulders into the wall and I hit my head hard on it. My vision goes fuzzy, black spots appearing in my vision, and I can't move as pain spikes through my head. I feel my father haul me down the hallway and I stumble along. The pain in my head makes it hard to think.
As we reach the bathroom I fall to the floor, my stomach flipping. A kick to the stomach makes me up end up curled on my side, my back colliding on the corner of the bathroom doorframe. I clutch my stomach, pain erupting through it. I gasp for breath and he kicks me again, this time making me cry out. He pulls me into the bathroom and I try to get up, get away from him, but he slaps my face. The force of it sends me to the ground again, seeing stars. My ears are ringing and he pushes me onto my back. I feel him start unbuttoning the bottom of my dress and I realize this isn't just going to be a simple beating. He's going to cross a line he's never tried to before.
This renews the fight in me. I lash out at him, shoving his hands away, kicking and screaming at him to let me go and get off of me. He growls, trying to pin my arms down and I send a punch toward his face. It's perfect, just like how Daniel and Jack taught me to hit.
My father falls off me onto the tile floor, I think more stunned than anything. I crawl away from him and use the sink to pull myself up. I make it a step or two before something pulls on the bottom of my dress. He managed to grab it and this time when he pulls me down, he drags me across the floor and sits on my legs. He grabs my wrists and holds them with one hand against my chest. With the other hand he rips open the bottom of my dress, sending a few buttons flying. I struggle as best I can but I can't stop him when he shoves his hand down my underwear. Tears fall from my eyes as his fingers roughly push their way into me. The pain is unimaginable and I scream. He forcibly moves his fingers deep inside me; this is nothing like the loving care Daniel showed when we've done things like this together.
"You're so warm, and tight," he says, his breath smelling like alcohol. "I bet you like this. You let that boy of yours touch you like this, you slut?"
I don't answer and he brutally crams another finger into me, making me sob louder as pain flares through my lower half. I swear I can feel something tear.
"You belong to me," he says furious. "You're not going anywhere, especially not with that boy. You're mine, you ungrateful bitch. I own you."
I jolt when he roughly pulls his fingers out of me. I start to panic again when I see him try to undo his belt. But I force myself still so he believes I've given up on fighting.
He grumbles in annoyance, not able to get his belt off with one hand. I'm not fighting anymore, so he thinks it's safe to let go of my wrists. I reach up behind me, spotting a metal curtain rod, and swing it, hitting him right in the head. It hits him with a loud crack and he collapses, dropping to the floor. I skitter backward and force my body to get up.
He's slowly getting up and says, "You bitch."
Blood is pouring from his wound, and combined with the alcohol, he can't stand.
"I'm not the bitch, you are," I shoot back. "And I don't belong to you, not anymore. If I belong to anyone, it's him."
And with that, I bring the bar down on his head again, knocking him out cold.
I drop the metal bar and lean against the doorframe. So much pain riddles my body but all I want to do is get out of here, I just want to go home- to Ruth, Jack, Alice, and to Daniel.
I stagger down the hall and out the door. It's pouring down rain but it's still a little light out. The sun is setting and I start walking toward the Jackson house, having walked this path many times before. I push through the pain as I half walk, half run through the cornfield, taking the shortest trail there.
The rain soaks through my clothes; I didn't grab a jacket before I left, and luckily my shoes weren't taken off in the struggle.
As the house comes into view, I collapse to my knees, hugging my abdomen. The pain from my lower region is horrible, and walking makes it twice as worse. I realize the bottom of my dress is still for the most part unbuttoned and I try to put it back together as best I can, but a few buttons are missing.
A minute later I get back onto my feet and stagger the rest of the way to the house. It's not that late and I go to the front door, knocking rapidly.
A few seconds later the curtain is pulled to the side and Jack is there. When he sees me his face drops and he rips the door open.
"Lilly, oh my God," he says and I break down. I fling myself at him and he catches me. I squeeze him, just needing something-or someone- to hold onto. Tears pour out of my eyes and Jack calls for Ruth, then Daniel.
I open my eyes when I hear their footsteps. When I see Daniel I let go of Jack, almost pushing him away in my rush to get to Daniel. He steps toward me and I throw my arms around his neck. He holds me, running his fingers through my hair and shushing me as I sob.
"Ruth, take Alice upstairs," Jack orders and Ruth nods, ushering Alice toward the steps.
Jack comes to Daniel and me and suggests we go to the living room.
"Lilly, darlin'," Daniel says, "Come on."
I nod and he puts an arm around my waist, helping me walk when it appears I'm having trouble. The pain is terrible, and images of what happened flash through my head. The alcohol smell, the hard tile under my back, my father over me, and his-his fingers-
We reach the couch and sit down. Ruth walks in and puts a few items on the table. I see peroxide, and bandages with tape. Daniel strokes my cheek and I pull away when he rubs against something that stings. I put my hand to it and realize I have a cut there. It must've happened when he slapped me.
Ruth sits on my other side and I choke on a sob when she takes a look at the back of my head. I know it's probably bad from how hard it collided with the wall.
"Lilly, what happened?" Daniel asks.
I cringe just thinking about it, wrapping my arms around myself. "H-He was…upset about h-how I was-s moving o-out. He h-hit me, and-and…"
Flashes of the bathroom come back to me and I start to shake. "H-He crossed a l-line."
"Lils, what did he do?" Daniel asks.
My hands lower to my lower abdomen and I start to cry again. Daniel moves his arm up my back and I lean into him. "I-I want to c-call the police."
There's a moment of silence, and I know they're shocked. Every time after my father attacked me, I would always forbid Daniel to call the police, something he told his parents.
"Jack, can you call?" Ruth asks.
"Yeah," Jacks answers and goes into the kitchen.
"Daniel, can you check on your sister?" Ruth says more than asks.
Daniel looks at her confused and I latch onto him, not wanting him to leave. Ruth touches my hand gently. "He'll be right back."
I take a deep breath and let go of him, every part of me screaming not to. Daniel reluctantly gets up, not wanting to go as much as I don't want him to.
After he's gone, Ruth looks at me and whispers, "Did he rape you?"
I look at her shocked and she looks down. She fingers the fabric of my dress where the buttons are missing and I see a small spot of blood on them. That wasn't there before. I stand and look at it closer and Ruth draws my attention to a small puddle of blood on the couch. I pull up my dress and my underwear is soaked with blood.
"Oh God," I choke out.
Ruth stands and takes my hands. "Daniel!"
We hear his footsteps on the stairs a second later and he enters the room at a run.
"Stay with her," Ruth orders and goes into the kitchen. Daniel comes to me and hugs me, running his hands up and down my back. I clutch onto him and bury my face in his chest.
A minute later Ruth and Jack come back in and tell us that the police are on the way to my father's house to pick us up, and we'll meet them at the hospital.
"Lilly, come with me," Ruth says. Daniel comes with us, waiting outside the door when his mother tells him to. She gives me a new pair of underwear from my drawer of clothing I had in the guest room and a sanitary pad and belt. I put it on, my hands shaking in shock and pain.
Ruth tells me I can change my clothes if I want to. Someone knocks and Ruth tells them to enter. Daniel pokes his head in and says his father wants Ruth. She leaves and Daniel lingers in the doorway.
"You want me to stay?" he asks concerned.
I just nod my emotions all over the place as I sniffle. He walks slowly to me and takes my hand.
"You never wanted to call the police before…what did he do?" Daniel asks warily.
I squeeze my eyes shut, not wanting to back there, but I have to tell him- at least him. But what if he…what if he finds me like my father always said I was. Disgusting? Worthless?
"Lils, did he… did he touch you?" he asks and by his tone I know he's asking if my father touched me sexually.
I raise my other hand to my mouth, and let out another sob, a few tears slipping down my cheeks. Daniel pulls me toward him and holds me carefully because of all the bruises.
"Lils," he whispers, his voice pained.
"H-He held me d-down, and-and ripped my dress. He p-put his-his hand down my- and I-I couldn't stop him. It hurt s-so much," I cry into his shirt.
He rubs my back. "Shh, shh, it's okay. God, I'm so sorry Lilly. I'm so sorry I wasn't there."
He puts his hands on either side of my head and puts his forehead to mine. "I never should've let you go in there, I'm so sorry."
I realize he's crying too, and this just makes me cry more.
"Its n-not your f-fault," I say. "Y-You couldn't h-have known."
"No but I guessed something might happen, but I didn't think he'd go this far," Daniel says upset with himself.
"He n-never has before," I say.
I feel something shift in him and he says, "I'm gonna kill him."
My entire body just stops.
"I'm gonna kill him," Daniel repeats and lets me go, walking toward the door. This snaps me out of my stupor.
"Daniel no!" I shout and run toward him, almost knocking him down with how hard I run into him. "Please, please don't."
I hold onto Daniel as tightly as I can, trying to physically keep him here, not that I could if he really wanted to go, but he just holds me too.
"If you do, they'll have to arrest you, and I-I- you can't go, I need you. Please Daniel, please don't leave."
I'm flat out pleading and I feel the tension and anger in his body relax.
"Okay, okay," he whispers. "I'm right here, and I promise I'm not going anywhere."
I just hold onto him and he kisses my head. "I'm not gonna leave you sweetheart."
A minute later after standing here there's a knock on the door and Ruth says through it, "Your dad has the car ready."
Daniel looks at me before saying, "Can you give us a few more minutes?"
"Three," she says, "The police wanted us to bring the clothes you were wearing during the attack."
She opens the door a crack just enough to put her hand through which is holding a bag. Daniel takes it and she shuts the door. We can hear her footsteps as she leaves.
"Come on, let's get you changed," Daniel says. "Unless you want me to wait outside."
I shake my head and hold his hand tighter.
"Okay," he says, running his hand through my hair to get it out of my eyes. He pulls me over to the dresser and takes out a shirt and a pair of pants. I don't wear them often, but I do have them.
He guides me to the bed and I sit. He puts the clothes beside me and kneels in front of me. He raises his hands to the top button on my dress and stills, looking at me.
I nod. "It's okay, go ahead."
He can tell I'm being sincere and unbuttons the dress. I take it off and he helps me put the shirt on. I have a few bruises and it hurts to move, so he actually does most of the work. The pants are even harder. I blush a little at him seeing me in just my underwear, like I always do, but he just holds the pants up for me to slip into. It hurts to pull them up so he does it quickly. I rest a hand on my abdomen and he covers it with his own.
"I'm so sorry," he says. He kisses my forehead and I melt a little.
"Come on, they're waiting," he says and helps me to my feet. He puts his arm around my waist and I wrap one around his shoulders. It hurts the most to walk, and when we reach the stairs, he doesn't even have me try. He just picks me up and carries me down them. But he doesn't put me down when we reach the bottom. He just carries me through the rest of the house, and out to the car. The rain has slowed down and Jack opens the back seat door. Daniel puts me inside, and slides in after me. He sits me half in his lap and holds me tight, as if trying to ensure me- and himself- that nothing is going to separate us.
At the hospital, a nurse takes me to a room, making Jack and Daniel wait outside- Ruth had to stay home with Alice. I nervously let go of Daniel and change into the dress the nurse gives me. I sit on the bed as the nurse asks me questions. After the standard, basic ones, she starts to ask more about my injuries. She doesn't ask how I got them, just asks what they were and how exactly they got there. Like the cut on my cheek; I tell her that someone slapped me. She doesn't ask who, she just treats it and moves on. Then comes to hardest part; the…internal damage.
I almost cry when she looks at that injury. She has me take off my underwear and lay back on the bed. She puts on a glove, bends my knees and takes a look before telling me that she has to see how bad it is inside. She lays her hand on my stomach and I feel her hand touch my entrance and I panic. I scramble backward, trying to get as far from her as possible and scream at her to get away from me. I can't go through that again, please, God, no.
The door slams open and Daniel and Jack rush in. Daniel comes straight for me and I hold onto any part of him I can, knowing with him I'm safe. With him no one can hurt me.
"What the hell is going on in here?" a man shouts. I look and see it's a Sheriff Rogers, and he's looking around furious.
I just hide in Daniel's neck, trying to calm myself down. I blush, embarrassed at how I reacted; she was just a nurse and was trying to help me.
"It was my fault," the nurse says. "I…moved too fast."
The sheriff nods. "Alright, finish up then, quick as possible."
I know Sheriff Rogers; he's been responding to calls from our neighbors about screaming and yelling for years, and wants to put my father in jail almost as much as I do.
The nurse nods and Jack leaves with the sheriff, but Daniel doesn't move, he just increases his grip on me. I don't mind, I don't want him to go either.
"Sir, I have to ask you to wait with the others," the nurse says and Daniel sighs, but I pull him back to my side when he tries to leave.
"He's staying," I say firmly.
The nurse looks at us strangely, but brushes it off. Daniel puts an arm around my shoulders as I lie back down nervously.
"It's alright darlin', relax, just relax," he whispers in my ear and I slowly start to.
The nurse stands by my other side and patiently waits for us to turn our attention to her. "Based on what you've told me about the bleeding, it's very possible there are cuts on the inside. But I have to make sure to determine the best way to treat them based on their size and the level of pain and bleeding. There's also the possibility of infection, especially is they're large cuts."
She walks back between my legs and I take Daniel's hand.
"I'll go slow; tell me if it becomes too much," she says. She waits until I nod and places her hand on my abdomen, then the other one between my folds. I tense and Daniel whispers to me to relax, that he's right here with me.
My father isn't here, this isn't him. I'm with Daniel, I'm safe.
The nurse slowly pushes her finger in and my hand tightens on Daniel's in a death grip. The pain returns as she slides her finger in the rest of the way. She stops and the pain lessens, but then returns in full force when she adds a second finger.
I have trouble remembering where I am, that I'm in a hospital and it's not my father doing this to me. If it weren't for Daniel's arm around me and whispering to me, I think I might have panicked again. My knuckles turn white and I gasp, trying to relax as Daniel murmurs comforting things to me. "I'm sorry sweetheart, but it'll be over soon, I promise. You're doing good, just relax, it'll be over soon…"
The nurse slides her fingers in the rest of the way and feels around. I manage to keep the tears in and try to breathe through it.
Before I know it, she's taken her hand away and all that's left is a dull sting and ache after a few seconds.
"There are multiple cuts, some fairly large. I'm going to give you a cream to prevent infection and one to help with the healing. They should heal of their own in a week or two. If you still have a lot of pain or are still bleeding after that, come back and I'll take another look. I'm also going to give you something that will help with the pain, but it'll probably put you to sleep pretty fast, so only take it at night."
She leaves the room and Jack and the Sheriff enter. Daniel spreads a blanket over me and then takes my hand again.
"Hey there Lilly, how you doing?" the Sheriff asks.
"I just want to go home," I say, sighing in pain in exhaustion.
"Soon, just a few questions," the Sheriff says apologetically.
I nod and he looks at Daniel and Jack, "Some are going to be kinda personal…"
"I'll wait outside," Jack says, giving my arm a squeeze before leaving, closing the door behind him.
The Sheriff seems to have already known that Daniel wasn't going to leave, and jumps right in. "So, Jack and Daniel dropped you off at home, around… seven at night?"
I nod. "I went inside and my…father was drinking. He was angry because I was moving out tomorrow, I turn 18."
"Congratulations," the Sheriff says with an encouraging smile and I find it impossible not to smile back, at least a little.
"He threw me to the ground, and dragged me down the hall. I fell, and he kicked me. We were in the bathroom, and-and he…"
I take some breaths, trying to keep from crying. I'm sick of crying.
"Take your time," the Sheriff says kindly.
I fiddle with the hospital gown and clutch Daniel's hand as he rubs circles on my other with his other hand.
"H-He, tried to get my dress up, but I hit him. I…I tried to run, but he grabbed me, and got on me. He ripped my dress, and-and shoved h-his h-hand into m-my underwear. I yelled at him to stop, but he wouldn't, and it hurt so much I just screamed. H-He tried to get his belt off, and while he was distracted I grabbed a metal rod and hit him over the head, then again when he tried to get up. Then I just ran to Daniel's."
There's silence and the Sheriff clears him throat. "I'm sorry Lilly, that you had to go through that. I think that'll be enough. I'll contact you if we need anything else, but I doubt we will. I'll keep you informed."
He shuffles out the door and Daniel kisses my head again as I ask, "Can we go home now?"
The next morning, I wake up in Daniel's bed. His parents let me sleep with him in his bed, and when I wake up he's gone. No wonder, it's almost noon.
I walk downstairs, having to go slowly because of the pain, although it's definitely less than yesterday. Ruth is in the kitchen with Alice doing the dishes and when she sees me, she directs me to a chair, putting a plate in front of me. I find I'm starving and eat two plates, more than I normally eat.
Afterward, she puts my medicine down in front of me and tells me to go rest. I walk back upstairs and take what the hospital gave me for the pain. I lie back in Daniel's bed and go to sleep.
That afternoon when I wake up, I have to go to the bathroom. It burns, bad, and when I'm done I walk back to Daniel's room, jumping when I find him walking out of it, almost colliding with him.
"Sorry," he says with a small laugh.
I roll my eyes, "I can see you are."
He schools his expression, leans against the doorframe and says, "Dad sent me away, said we were done for the day."
I'm a little surprised. The farm takes a lot of work, and they usually work the entire day.
"Also, ma told me to come check on you, make sure you took your medicine," he says.
I look at the ground and he says softly, but firmly, "Lilly."
I shift and say, "I may not have used it yet."
"Lilly, you heard what the nurse said."
"I know, I just…"
"Just what?" he asks gently.
"I'm a little…afraid to do it," I say and he hugs me.
"I know, but it could get worse if you don't," he says understandingly.
I sigh, and wonder if maybe he… I blush, no, he wouldn't. I mean we have before, but now he's touched me. Would Daniel even want to anymore?
"What is it?" Daniel asks; he must've seen my blush.
"Nothing," I answer quickly, too quickly.
"Lilly, don't lie, it's not like I'm going to laugh," he says smiling.
I look at him skeptically, then sigh and say, "I was just wondering, maybe… but it's stupid, you wouldn't want to…"
"And how do you know that?" he asks. "Come on, it can't hurt to ask, can it?"
I guess not. "I…I was wondering, if-maybe-only if you wanted to, if you…could."
He looks confused. "Could what?"
I blush heavily. "Could…help me with…the medicine part."
His eyebrows rise when he gets what I'm talking about, then there's surprise. "I-I didn't think you would want me to…touch you like that after…what happened."
"I wouldn't blame you if you wouldn't want to touch me after…what happened," I say, cringing just thinking about it, and about him being too disgusted by me to touch me ever again.
He shakes his head confused again. "Why would I not want to touch you?"
I look down at my feet, embarrassment and shame filling me. "Because…because I couldn't stop him, and he…he touched me."
I shiver and his hands rub up and down my arms. "Lilly, it wasn't your fault."
I shrug and say, "But he still managed to…I'm…dirty, disgusting…just like he always said."
He tenses and so do I, shrinking back when his grip tightens on my arms. "Lilly, you listen to me now darlin', you are not, and have never been, dirty, or disgusting, or whatever sick thing he called you. Not now, not ever. You are beautiful, and I love you. I don't care that he touched you; I care that he forced it on you, but it doesn't change anything, especially not in how I want to touch you, or how much I love you."
I'm crying now, and he wraps his arms around me.
"I love you sweetheart, and nothing is ever gonna change that, and nothing is going to change how I want you," he says earnestly.
"Really?" I ask in a small voice.
"Yes," he says fiercely. He waits a beat and asks, "Do you really want me to…you know, with the medicine?"
I blush again but nod. "I trust you."
He picks me up and puts me on the bed. He crosses the room and shuts the door, locking it. He walks over to the bag the nurse gave me and takes out the two different tubes of cream. There's a piece of paper with instructions that the nurse wrote instructions on and Daniel reads it.
"I'll be right back, I have to wash my hands. Take off your pants, get comfortable," he says.
I nod and he gives me a smile as he leaves the room.
I get up and take off my pants, then underwear. I pull the covers back and lie underneath them, waiting for Daniel to return. Nervousness starts to overtake me the longer I wait, but then he comes back in with a towel. He shuts the door and locks it again, but this doesn't me uncomfortable, or afraid. I know he won't do anything I don't give him permission to.
He picks up the two tubes of medicine and towel and lies down next to me. "You have to tell me if I do anything that scares you, or hurts you."
"I think it's going to hurt anyway," I say.
He sighs and says, "Hurts any more than it has to. Tell me how you'd be most comfortable, over you, behind you…?"
The memory of my father on top of me, holding my wrists flashes to mind and I shudder as fear spikes through me. "Not over me, that's how… that's how he…um, behind me."
I turn on my right side and he slides across the bed, pressing his front against my back. He puts his right arm under my neck, so I'm using his upper arm like a pillow. I grip his forearm with both hands, starting to get nervous, and he puts the two tubes in front of me. I breathe in deeply and try to shake these feelings of anxiety; it's just Daniel, he isn't trying to hurt me like he did.
Daniel starts to slowly move up the blanket, until my lower half is revealed to him. I blush a little, like I always do, and he rubs my lower stomach.
"Relax darlin'," he says.
He rubs circles on my skin, his touch light and comforting. I close my eyes, calming myself down, relaxing into the sheets and his body behind me. He lifts my left leg, bending it back so it's lying over his, giving him access to the place he needs.
He opens both tubes, placing the caps next to them on the comforter, before squeezing out a small amount of the white gel onto his finger. He puts his hand down back on my stomach, this time using the back of it to rub circles there.
"Lilly," he says and I look at him. He looks at my lips, then back at my eyes, leaning in a little before stopping. My heart starts to beat a little faster as he comes a little closer, but my anticipation grows into annoyance when he instead kisses the tip of my nose at the last second.
The arm under my head moves and his hand touches the side of my face, his knuckles stroking the underside of my jaw and he captures my lips in a chaste but passionate kiss.
I feel his other hand moving from my stomach down my skin until the back of his hand is resting on the outside of my opening. He breaks our kiss and just looks into my eyes.
Memories of my father start to come back when one of his fingers part my folds and softly rub at the sore area there, but he never once looks away from my eyes as he slowly pushes his finger into me. I flinch a little at the sting and he stops, pulling back a little before dipping back in. He kisses the bottom of my jaw to the top as he pushes his finger in deeper, and deeper. I'm still really tender and it burns, but he moves slow and carefully enough for it to be manageable.
He puts a single kiss on my pulse point, keeping his lips there as he pulls out his finger. He then whispers in my ear, "I love you, and no matter what he did, I will always want you, especially like this."
His voice is husky and I sigh at his tone and the reassurance.
He kisses my neck, moving his hand on my jaw to the left side of my neck, pressing down until I lay back fully on my side. He puts the tip of one finger back into me, than another joins it. I can tell by how cold it is and wet that the first finger was just to prepare me, get me used to the burn, this is the one with the medicine.
He plants kisses on my neck as he pushes both in and as he gets about half way in, a sudden surge of pain makes me hiss and pull away from him. His arm that's under me is around my waist in a flash, holding me still.
"Sorry darlin'," he whisper and places a kiss on my temple, real pain in his voice. "But you gotta stay still."
Memories of my father holding me down flash through my mind. My eyes squeeze shut and my breathing starts to quicken. "P-Please d-don't, please dad, please just-just let me g-go…"
My voice breaks and the hold around my waist loosens and I hear someone whisper, "Lilly, it's me, it's Daniel. He isn't here, it's just you and me, come back to me sweetheart, come back to me…"
His voice breaks through to me and I remember who it is with me, that it isn't him, but Daniel. It takes me a few seconds, and Daniel whispering things to me and stroking my cheek for my breathing to stop climbing and my heart to return to normal. My eyes stay closed, not in fear, but in relief and embarrassment. "Sorry."
"You got nothing to be sorry about Lils, not your fault," he whispers back instantly and kisses my head again. "Do you want me to stop?"
I take a shaky breath and shake my head, "No, I'm alright, keep going."
"Sure?" he asks with pure concern.
I nod and force myself to relax, letting out a slow, deep breath. "I'm good, promise."
Well that may be a slight exaggeration, but this has to get done and there's no one I trust more than him to do it, not even myself. I just wish the memories would stop and these irrational feelings of fear. Daniel shouldn't make me feel afraid; he represents everything safe to me. Why am I so nervous and scared when I know it's him right now?
I move my hands to his arm and clutch it for support as he starts pushing deeper into me, until he's in as far as he can reach.
"You're doing good darlin'," he says and moves his fingers around, trying to rub the medicine into the cuts. I whimper as he touches a particular painful one and squeeze his arm. My body instinctively tries to move away, but his arm is wrapped around my neck and above my shoulder. He tenses his arm, holding me slightly tighter, and he's easily able to hold me in place. I'm actually grateful this time, if I move I could hurt myself even more.
He waits until I relax again, whispering soothing things in my ear, before continuing, rubbing and moving his fingers until he's satisfied. He gently takes out his fingers and I almost collapse in relief before I remember that was only half of the medicine as he squeezes out another paste onto his fingers.
He moves his hand back down but stops.
"Sweetheart," he says caringly but firmly, "I need you to stay still. This one is to prevent infection, but it said it's going to burn, but you need to stay still."
Fear races through me for a few seconds before I manage to control myself. It isn't going to last too long, it'll be over before I know it.
I nod and say, "Okay, but just in case, can you…"
He once again tightens his grip on me to lock me in place. He leans over me and kisses me again as he pushes his fingers back in, faster than before, trying to get it over with as quick as possible. And he was right, it burns, a lot, much more than the other one. Again I try to get away but he keeps me firmly in place. I whimper in pain and he shushes me.
"I'm sorry darlin', I'm so sorry, but it'll be over soon I promise," he says.
He doesn't stop this time, he just keeps going and I flinch almost violently. The burning just gets worse the farther he goes and I clutch his arm so tightly I'm probably hurting him. I cry out, a few tears slipping out against my will as his fingers slide in the rest of the way.
"I'm sorry sweetheart, but I'm almost done," he says as he smears the medicine around, rubbing deep into the cuts and abrasions. The pain is almost as bad as with him- no, this isn't him, stop it. It's Daniel, he would never want to hurt me, and I'm not there anymore.
With those thoughts I gasp, trying to catch my breath, my eyes squeezed shut tight as I try not to cry anymore than I already have. I cringe again when he hits that really sensitive cut that hurt so bad earlier, but compared to before, that pain was small.
Then he's sliding his fingers out, quickly since he wants to stop my pain, but also slow so as not to open the cuts even more.
He rubs his hand on the towel and I notice there are a few streaks of red on it afterward. He then wraps that arm around me too, nosing my neck and saying, "God I'm sorry darlin'."
I wipe my tears away hurriedly, knowing that this was hard for him too and that he'll blame himself for my being in pain. First because he wasn't there to stop my father, and now since he was the one applying the medicine.
"It's not your fault," I say, "He's the one who did this, all you've done is help me, including right now."
He buries his face in my hair and says, "I know, I just wish it didn't hurt you in the process."
I smile a little at this and roll over to face him. He leans back a little to let me but as soon as he can, he's enveloping me in his arms again, pulling me into his chest.
"I love you Daniel," I whisper. He smiles and moves his head down, giving me a long, bone melting kiss.
"I love you too Lils."
Three months later
After a week, the pain was much better than before, and it and the bleeding were completely gone by the second week. Daniel kept helping me with the medicine, everyday, twice a day for the two weeks. Sometimes I would face him, other times I would have my back to him, but I was always too scared to try it with him on top of me. I would always just imagine my father sitting on me, pinning me down and start to panic. Just the idea of someone, even Daniel, in that position over me made me terrified. But now, that fear has lessened with the care and affection Daniel has shown me.
But after I no longer needed the medicine, he hasn't touched me, not like that, since. Sure, we kiss, hold hands, even sleep in the same bed, but he's been reluctant to do anything like that with me. Maybe he's afraid of scaring me, or hurting me, but I think three months is more than enough time for all the cuts to have healed. He's said that even after what my father did he still wanted me in that way, but I'm starting to doubt it again because of his reluctance. What if he's having second thoughts about that? Or is he really just that scared I'll be afraid of him, or he'll hurt me like my father did?
All I know is that I want him to touch me, I want his touch. And when I imagine him over me, I don't want to cringe in fear because of what my father did to me. I want to be able to have Daniel do that and not be terrified anymore.
I told Ruth this-she's the only real mother I've ever had and while she may also be Daniel's, I'm not embarrassed to talk to her about things like this, after all, she was the only one I had to talk to about things like this all my life practically- and she told me to just tell Daniel, and so I am.
That night after dinner when I go upstairs, I change into my sleeping gown-which is actually just one of Daniel's old t-shirts (I prefer them) - and wait by the window for Daniel to come up. His parents wanted to talk to him, I don't know what about, but it probably won't take too long. I know they have to drop off Alice at a friend's house tonight since she's staying there for the night.
The door opens and Daniel walks in, but I stay facing the window when I see Jack, Ruth, and Alice walking outside.
"I thought they weren't leaving for a few more hours," I say.
"Well, ma and pa want to spend a night in town, go on a date of sorts, and so wanted to leave now," Daniel tells me and I raise an eyebrow. Obviously Ruth wanted to ensure we would be alone for this conversation.
"Ma also said you wanted to talk to me," Daniel says, walking up behind me and putting his arms around me, kissing my temple.
I smile at this gesture of affection and relax back into it before what he said registers in my mind. My stomach fills with butterflies as I try to put into words what I want to tell him- or rather ask him.
"Lilly, what is it?" he asks, noticing my sudden nervousness.
I play with the hem of my night shirt and say, "I…I want to try…what we used to do before, before what my f-father did I mean."
Daniel backs away from me, turning me around to look right at me. "Really? You want to do that?"
I nod and he looks at me incredulous and says, "Are you sure that's a good idea?"
I feel my stomach drop. He…he doesn't want to. Of course he doesn't, why would he want to touch me after my father did? I can barely stand myself, I just feel so…contaminated; like I can't get him off of me.
"I…forget it, I-I shouldn't have brought it up," I say, pushing his arm away from me and walking around him. I take in a shaky breath, trying to keep the tears in. He doesn't want me.
"Lilly," he says. "Lilly!"
I walk toward the door, just needing to get away. I just-I can't be here, not when he doesn't want me anymore. I won't make him be around me, touch me, when he doesn't want to. "Just leave me alone!"
I can hear him following me and run down the hall to the bathroom, closing the door and locking it.
"Lilly," he says through the door as I lean against the sink. "Lilly, what's wrong?"
I close in on myself, falling to the floor as I start to cry.
"Lils, please just open the door, just tell me what's wrong."
"Just go away!" I yell.
"Lilly, I don't understand, what's going on?" he asks.
"Please Daniel, please just leave me alone," I say.
"No," he says strongly, "I am not leaving."
I hear him shuffle and something hit the door, but what he says stops my tears. Why would he stay? He-He doesn't want me anymore, why wouldn't he leave?
I shuffle closer to the door as he says, "Lilly, I don't understand, please talk to me."
My heart squeezes when I hear him pleading with me. I don't want to come right out and accuse him, no matter how much it's hurting me.
"It's-it's been three months, you always say you-you still want me in that way, so why haven't you- why haven't you touched me since then?" I ask, my voice getting smaller toward the end.
"Oh Lilly," he says, "I didn't know if you wanted me to; I didn't want to hurt you."
"Why didn't you just ask?" I question.
"Why didn't you?" he asks.
"I am, right now," I answer.
He sighs. "I didn't want to push you into it before you were ready. I didn't want you to feel guilty if you had to say no if you weren't."
I close my eyes, leaning my head against the door. I wipe under my eyes and unlock the door, opening it a crack. He's sitting against it, but moves so I can push it open.
I look down, holding my knees to my chest as he scoots over to me. "So you…you do…want me?"
My voice is riddled with insecurity. He puts a hand on my cheek and presses himself against my knees. "Close your eyes."
I look at him confused but do as he says. A second later I feel his breath on the underside of my jaw and my heart skips a beat. His hand leaves my cheek and presses against my shoulder and I lean back until my back touches the wall, my head falling back against it too. His lips kiss my neck just barely, trailing down to my collarbone before they disappear, only to reappear on my lips. I'm surprised by the force of it, and make a noise in the back of my throat before melting into it.
His other hand lies on my knees, pushing them down from how they're curled up between us. We break for air and I open my eyes as his head lowers itself to my upper chest. He parts my knees, sliding himself between them to get even closer to me, and his hands snake under my shirt. They move up my stomach and my breathing starts to become uneven in anticipation. I'm not wearing a bra, so when his hands reach my chest there's nothing in his way, but he stops. His lips leave my skin and move to my ear.
"Lilly, you have no idea how much I want you," he whispers and I shiver at the unadulterated lust in his voice. He takes my hand and places it on his crotch. I blush and can feel the outline of his hard cock under my hand. "That is how much I want you."
"Then take me," I say simply, wanting nothing more than to feel his hands all over me, and feel him under my hands.
I squeal when he picks me up, throwing me over his shoulder. He laughs as he runs back to his bedroom. He doesn't even bother shutting the door- there's no one here anymore anyway- and puts me down on the bed, lying on his side next to me.
"Lils," he says, cupping my cheek, "You need to tell me if you get scared, if I do anything that makes you even the slightest bit uncomfortable."
I take his hand and kiss it. "I will."
He kisses me gently, sweetly; a radical difference to the mood before in the bathroom. He strokes my cheek with his thumb after he pulls away and says, "I'm going to need a little help here, tell me what you want me to do."
I sigh, a sort of sadness and weariness falling over me. "I just don't want to be afraid anymore. I don't want to be terrified when you touch me. I want you to be able to lay over me like before and be okay with it."
He nods, understanding that I want him to wash away what my father did to me. "Okay, let's get this off then."
He tugs at my shirt and I smirk. "A little eager are we?"
He grins, giving me that lopsided smile he uses when he's trying to flirt with me. "You have no idea."
He runs his hand up my side under the shirt, his touch leaving a trail of electricity on my skin. He cups the bottom of my breast and tweaks my nipple, causing me to inhale sharply. He smirks before using both hands to grab the bottom of my shirt and pull it up. I lean up and close my eyes as the fabric comes up over my head and he throws it behind him.
I shiver, watching his hungry gaze on my chest turn to compassion when he then looks up into my eyes. I can feel myself turn red, partly from blushing at how half of me is now bare before him, and half from excitement.
"Lilly, tell me what to do," he instructs.
I'm not used to taking control, preferring him to take charge, but I know he's right; I have to lead now, control what happens under my terms. I nod and take his hands.
"I loved the feeling of being under you, of feeling your weight on top of me, and I can't do that anymore without being afraid. He-He took that from me…I want it back," I say. "Just…just don't hold my wrists, like you're holding me down."
He nods and I know he heard the fear in my voice when I heard that last part. "And if you do get afraid, forget where you are and that it's me with you, what do you want me to do?"
I swallow, knowing he's asking me because I have had flashbacks before, ones that we dealt with, sometimes smoothly, sometimes not so much. "Just talk to me, remind me where I am, that it's you who is with me. If you have to, if you can't get through to me, stop touching any part of me and back off until I calm down."
He nods slowly, taking this all in. I can tell he isn't entirely happy about the last part for his instinct is to always comfort me through touch, but that could just make things worse, and he knows that.
I see that he doesn't quite know how to start so I sit up and capture his lips in a kiss. I let go of one of his hands and slide it up his chest and around his shoulder, pulling him toward me. I can feel the heat radiating from him and smile when he starts to take control of the kiss. So far I'm not scared at all, his touch is gentle, not hurtful, but I am nervous. I'm always a little nervous when we get intimate, but now I'm more anxious about getting scared. I don't want to be scared of him, not him, not ever.
I lean back, dragging him with me. His hands move down my thighs to my lower back. One slides up to the back of my neck, gently lying me down. I break the kiss and tell him, "Touch me, just my top half."
His hands immediately start moving all over, down my neck, between the valley of my breasts, my hips, then back up to my breasts as he kisses me, hard and yet lovingly all at the same time, like he's trying to convince me just how much he really does want me.
His mouth then leaves mine and instead envelops one of my nipples. One of his hands kneads my other breast while the other lightly scratches at my scalp, pulling a little on my hair. The feelings of pleasure overwhelm me and I can feel my body heating up and I start to get wet.
His hands then trail down my chest and stomach, the light touch he uses tickling and arousing. The touch is barely there, but my body is hyperaware now of every sensation. His hands grip my hips, stopping before moving back up and I feel nothing but relief, love, and trust at how he heard and obeyed my request to not touch me below my waist. Some of my anxiousness starts to fade; I'm in control here, nothing like with what happened with my father is going to happen. Daniel wouldn't ever do that to me, he would never do something I ask him not to, or keep doing something when he knows it hurts me.
There's a light sheen of sweat on my skin now, which mixes with his saliva as he licks and nips at my breasts. My back arches when the rough texture of his tongue rolls over one of my nipples. My body is on fire, especially the part that is below my waist, the one place I forbade him to touch, but now want him to touch more than anything else.
"Daniel, you-you can go lower," I say, starting to find it hard to think. "Please go lower."
He looks up at me, judging by my voice and face that I'm telling him this because it's what I want. But he still doesn't move, he just looks at me, hesitation clear.
"How exactly do you want me to touch you?" he asks and I blush a little when I realize he needs to hear me say it. But I understand why he needs to hear it; he needs to make sure whatever he does is okay with me.
My blush turns full scarlet as I tell him exactly what he's allowed to do. "I want you to use your hands, and your mouth if you want."
He nods before grinning and starting to tickle my sides. Laughter bubbles from me and I squirm, trying to get away from his hands that are tickling my stomach. He's laughing too and I push at his hands.
"Daniel, stop it!" I say still laughing.
He does and a few more giggles escape as we smile at each other. I then gasp my back lifting off the bed a little when he fingers press down unexpectedly on my pearl through my underwear. My hands latch onto his shoulders and my surprise turns into pleasure. I moan; my eyes sliding closed. He massages the small buddle of nerves between his thumb and forefinger, softly rubbing before pushing down on it. I cry out, my body tensing before relaxing as another wave of pleasure runs through me. Then it's gone as he uses both hands to pull my underwear down and off completely, throwing them to the side. His thumb returns to where it was and keeps rubbing my pearl as his other fingers go lower. They trail around my entrance, never touching it but exploring the skin near it. He just runs his fingers all over the area before they all trail back up. Two part my folds and rub at my entrance and I freeze, my grip on his tightening.
The situation is just too familiar. He may not be sitting on my legs, but he is over me- towering over me.
"Lils?"
His heat is radiating onto me- just like his did when he lusted after his own daughter's body.
"Lilly."
My eyes squeeze shut. I can't be here, I can't be. I escaped, I-I ran to Daniel, he can't be here.
"Lilly, it's just me, it's Daniel. You're not there, you're in our room, it's me over you, it's me touching you," Daniel's voice calls, and I can feel a gentle touch on my face. My father doesn't do gentle.
My eyes blink open and see Daniel's concerned face hovering over me. My body relaxes in relief, my hands shaking slightly as I release my death grip on him and the blood rushes back to my fingers.
"I'm not going to do anything you don't want me to, I promise," he says sincerely.
I take a few deep breathes and he keeps stroking my cheek with his thumb. I lean into the comforting touch.
"You back with me darlin'?" he asks and I nod. "You want me to stop?"
I shake my head. "No, just give me a minute."
He just starts kissing me again, on my forehead, my nose, my lips, my neck, and my chest as his hands run all over me. The residual tension leaves me and my body goes limp as he builds up my pleasure again. He completely avoids my lower half, which calms me down in of itself- like he said, I'm in control here. I told him not to stop but give me a minute, and he didn't stop, but refrains from touching the place he knows I'm not ready for him to touch again.
A minute later, a heat engulfs me as I gasp and moan as he plays with my breasts and my hair. A vulnerability suddenly washes over me; there's no fear, it's not because of what my father did to me, it's just how caring Daniel is treating me, how patient he is, and I realize this is nothing like what happened with my father. This is everything that didn't happen. Daniel may be over me, but he not trying to pin me down, instead it's almost like he's covering my body with his own, like to protect me or shield me from anything that can hurt me. His hands are gentle, and kind. They move for one purpose- not to hurt but to heal, to show me that I'm worthy of being touched, and being touched not with cruelty but compassion.
"Daniel," I whimper, feeling more exposed than ever before to him.
He looks up at me, sensing the change in me, eyes full of adoration. "It's alright darlin'. I got you."
He slides his arms under my back and lifts me up slightly. My chest is pressed firmly against his and he wraps his arms around me, holding me close. My hands hug his shoulders, burrowing my face into his neck. I cling to him and he sits back, pulling me up with him. He pulls me into his lap, refusing to let even an inch of space between us. Something warm slips down my cheeks and I find I'm crying. He runs his fingers through my hair, shushing me.
"You're okay sweetheart, I'm here, I got you," he whispers.
My tears come silently, no sobs although my breathing does get ragged. I take one of my hands and move it behind my back, latching onto his that's supporting my lower back. I pull it away from me and guide it between us, down my stomach.
"Please," is all I say in a small voice.
I let go of his hand as he slides it further down by himself, until he touches the place he knows I want him to. He kisses my forehead, keeping his lips there for a few seconds. I feel his fingers tease my pearl before moving to the skin covering my entrance, parting it. One of his fingers rubs up and down at my opening, never going in, and I whimper in anticipation.
He shushes me again and kisses my lips, sinking one finger into me. I shudder as I get a little relief to the burning arousal that's engulfing me. His thumb lightly tweaks my pearl as he pulls his finger halfway out, adding another one. He presses them inside me as far as he can, rubbing at my walls and twisting his fingers. He has gotten rather good at this and scissors his fingers before curling them and pressing down on my pearl. I gasp, tensing, my hands grabbing at his shoulders as a spike of pleasure runs up my body. I shiver, hissing a little when he adds a third finger, feeling a slight burn as he stretches me.
He kisses my hairline before uses his lips to tease mine, before swooping in for a deep kiss that leaves me gasping for breath. The burn is mostly gone after that and he starts moving his fingers faster in and out of me, stroking the top of my inner walls since he knows that's where I'm most sensitive. He plays with my pearl simultaneously, alternating between pressing down hard on it, and lightly brushing against it.
My head hits his shoulder as I pant, my body moving in time with his hand. My nails sink into his shoulders, not deep enough to bleed or really hurt him, but enough to leave half crescents in his skin. His other hand supports my back, his fingers running lightly up and down my spine. It makes me tingle and I sigh, enjoying the different feeling.
My skin is slick with sweat, and so is his. My breath hitches as a new feeling starts to rise. A different kind of heat builds as his fingers move faster in me.
"Come on Lils," he whispers, breathless just from watching me.
"Daniel," I say breathily, clutching his shoulders even tighter if possible. I know what's coming, and so does he by my sudden desperation for him to move faster.
"I got you darlin', come for me," he whispers in my ear before kissing my neck. He sucks on my skin, leaving what I know will be a mark tomorrow.
A new wave of lust runs through me knowing he does this to mark me as his. It adds to my arousal, pushing me over the point of no return.
"Daniel!" I half yell, half whimper. His arm tightens around me, holding me tighter as my orgasm washes over me. I go rigid and cry out, panting with a few tears leaking out of my eyes. My eyes are shut tight and I start to shake. He thumb is rubbing gently against my pearl, causing me to shudder at the overstimulation. He presses him fingers into me as far as he can, stroking my insides at a relaxed pace. My walls are clamping down on his fingers as my whole body trembles. As soon as that stops, leaving me relaxed and warm, he pulls his fingers out of me, making me jolt at the sudden movement.
My eyes snap open in surprise when he pushes me back rather hurriedly. He takes one arm out from under me and pulls at his shorts. He unzips them and pulls out his member, long, thick, and very cleared aroused.
He starts to take care of himself but I reach out and wrap my hand around him. He shudders at the sudden touch, his eyes sliding shut. He puts his arm back down on the bed next to me and starts thrusting into my hand, almost desperately. It doesn't take too long until he's coming too. Short spurts of white liquid coat my hand and stomach, and his chest. He trembles, his arms losing some of their strength to keep himself up and he falls a little onto me; not enough to crush me but enough that I can tell he's quite sated.
He stays like that for a while, his head in my chest. Tiredness flows over me, my entire body relaxed now. He shifts, propping himself up better over me and kisses my lips chastely but lovingly.
He then sits up, taking of his shorts and underwear. He tosses the shorts to the floor and uses his underwear to clean us up before that piece of fabric to ends up on the floor too.
He lays next to me, pulling me onto his chest to the point where I'm lying on him, not the bed. I rest my head on his shoulder, breathing in his scent, and he entwines our fingers of one of our hands, resting them on his chest. His other hand strokes my lower back.
"I love you Lilly," he says, making me smile.
"Love you too Daniel," I say back, raising my head to look up at him. He smiles and leans down to kiss me. It starts off chaste, then gets a little heated.
"It's a good thing it's early," he says. "Because there is no way I am even close to being done with you."
I raise an eyebrow at him but smile and laugh when he rolls us over so he's back on top.
One week later, he proposes to me, and, of course, I say yes.