When Districts Collide

Chapter 3: Wren

We walked into his room and I immediately stopped. I shouldn't be here. He shouldn't be bringing me in here. There was no reason to stay. I felt the panic coming back too quickly all of a sudden, and had to stop and lean against the wall. I hadn't had an attack for about thirteen days now, but it was all of a sudden coming on. I felt like I couldn't breathe and my world was slowly becoming less and less real. Theo turned around and saw me, and tried to come over to help, grabbing my arm as I had a hand on the door.

"No," I gasped, in obvious pain. Nothing hurt, but there was always some sort of thing I was over thinking and that caused me phantom pain.

"Please, I can help you." his eyes were wide with concern and I wanted him to help, but I couldn't let him. He never saw me weak. Tobias was the one who always saw me weak. I had to go to him. He was like a safety net.

"I have to go. I'm sorry." I rushed out of the room and went into Four's, sitting on his bed with my head in my knees. I don't know how it came on, I didn't think there was any kind of precursor, but it just happened. I was in the midst of letting out a sob, which, although it startled Tobias, made my presence known as he came to sit by me. His arm came protectively around me and shielded me from any sort of harm, although the only thing that could kill me was my mind.

"It didn't go so well?" he asked. I laughed, tears in my eyes. He thought Theo wouldn't take me back.

"Every time I look at him...I see what should have been. And every single time it shouldn't be me. He should be happy, Tobias."

"He would be with you." he rubbed up and down my back soothingly.

"I know. I can't imagine why." I sniffed, my voice thick and eyes red. "I can't let him see me weak. What if I repulse him by being weak? Am I weak?"

"You know, Tris used to ask me that all the time. And every single time, I told her she was tough as nails. She was. You want to know why?"

"Why?" I sounded like a curious child.

"Because she was able to be strong enough to let her guard down. She was able to open up and trust me enough to not say anything. I would never tell her wrong if she cried, even if there was no reason, because that meant she was tough enough to see me as someone she could see herself getting broken by. Have you ever seen Theo weak?"

"Yeah, I have a few times."

"And?"

"And I ignore it, because I know that we can get through it."

"So wouldn't you think he does the same? Isn't that trust?"

"Trust is hard, Tobias."

"If trust were easy, no one would get hurt." he said to me. "You can do this. See, you're not even panicking anymore. I want to catch you if you fall, I do, but I think Theo deserves more credit than I do, yeah?"

"Yeah. Should I go back? I mean...what will he think of me?" I wiped tears from my eyes.

"He won't think anything of you, if he's got a good head. And he does, he wouldn't be my friend if he didn't. Highly suspicious of people, remember?" He laughed and poured me tea, what he always did when I came over.

"Thanks, Tobias."

"It's not a problem. I just want to see you happy again. The Games destroyed you, they destroyed everyone. It's almost as bad as a fear landscape, except you can actually die."

"So wouldn't it surpass the fear landscape?"

"I don't know, I don't think I could stand to kill Tris one more time. I think I would rather be dead."

"I understand." I stood there and sipped my tea for a little bit, watching him watch me. His eyes were spectacularly blue, but nothing that I would ever find romantic to stare into. They were kind of intimidating, piercing into my soul. I set the cup down and went to the door to leave. "So you think he'll still talk to me, even after running away?"

"Absolutely. Good luck, tell me everything."

"Of course not, Four." I joked. "But tell me, how do I look?"

"Tough as nails." he smiled and closed the door after I walked out.

I stood in the middle of the hall for what seemed ages, but really only a few seconds. I flattened my hair, wiped my eyes again, took a deep breath, and knocked on his door. This was really new, I never had to knock before.

I heard footsteps coming closer and the door opened wide, letting me in. I walked in and stood near the chair opposite to where I assumed he was, where his book was.

"Is this how you occupy your time?"

"How do you spend yours?"

"Going into my fear landscape." I cringed. I could feel his eyes on me, and although I knew he was accepting, I didn't know what limit it was.

"Wren, I can't come back to being a leader after everything that happened."

I spun around. "Everything that happened with the Games or with us?"

"What do you want to be, is the question." he stood, his arms crossed. "I can't have you running to Tobias without questioning why you're here with me, what do you want from me?"

"I...I don't know. Tobias said-"

"See? He knows more about us than I do. It's not fair to me, or to you. I love you, and I want to be with you, but you're making it hard to be around you. I don't want to be played."

"I'm not trying to play you! I just have a hard time..." I stopped. I didn't want to say I had a hard time trusting him, but that was the only thing that came to mind. He looked at me, prompting me to go on. "I just don't want to be weak around you. I'm afraid you won't like me anymore." I looked down submissively and waited for him to calculate a response. Instead, he led me over to the couch and sat me down, touching my knee lightly.

"I don't care how you are around me. I want to know, when you said you still loved me, were you lying?"

"Of course not, but won't you think I'm a coward? What if I-"

"I will never think you're a coward, Wren. We've been through too much together to think that you're not brave. So nothing else matters to me. If you still want me, then I'm willing to take it slowly, slower than last time. I don't want you to be scared of me."

"I'm not scared of you." I straightened.

"Then what?" he sighed.

"I'm afraid of anyone taking us away from each other. I'm afraid of the Capitol and their Games. I'm afraid of everything, but not of you."

"I'll help you."

"Tobias said you were having nightmares too."

"I am. Horrible ones. Tobias told me you didn't want me to forgive you without a fight."

"I never said without a fight." I gave a smile. Seemed Tobias was playing the part of the mediator in spirit. "I just meant, I don't want you to treat me so innocently, like I could never do wrong, I guess. I'm rough now, and so are you. We're more calloused. I don't want romance, I want support. I want a bridge between us that no one can burn. Not Tobias, not Cali, and especially not ourselves. I just want something real, not happy. There aren't enough happy endings in the world to convince me that life is good."

"I can do that."

"So...friends?"

"Something like that." he smiled. "I'm still not coming back to leadership, you know that right?"

"Why?"

"I don't know. I just don't feel right there. The only reason I did it in the first place was because Isaac wanted me to. I like it in the control rooms, and I'll still keep an eye on Peter, for you and Bri and Tobias."

"What about Tobias going back to the control room?"

"Ah, please understand, like you, Four and I have a good relationship. He's going to stay in leadership. He likes you, you see."

"What do you mean, he likes me?" I asked, almost disgusted.

"He thinks you're brave, and cocky, and stupid. He thinks you're going to do something reckless like Tris and he wants to save the day like he couldn't last time. He wants redemption."

"Is that the only reason he's been friends with me?"

"Oh no, of course not. That's just one of the perks of being you, you appeal to everyone, whether romantically, like me, or friendly, like Tobias. Consider yourself lucky, victor. Not everyone can be that loved."

"Oh I think I have a few enemies."

"They're all dead."

"But their factions hate me."

"So what?"

"I don't know. Just a thought. Do you have anything to drink?"

"Yeah, what are you looking for?"

"Anything good."

He pulled out a bottle of brandy and set it on the table in front of us. I tilted the bottle up and felt the warmth sliding down my throat, soothing my passing panic. He took the bottle once I was done and took a couple gulps of the light brown liquid, and set it on the table for later.

"I'm getting tired. Mind if I stay here?" my inhibitions were slowly leaving my mind, and I couldn't really get up. Out of all the different alcohols, Brandy was the only one to make me feel like the room was spinning.

"Thought you would never ask." he took to the bed and invited me in it. I gladly accepted his offer and took off my jacket and my shoes, climbing in and turning off the lights, not exactly sure what was going to happen next.