It was later that night, and Tohma was sitting, slumped against the wall of the dimly lit bathroom, his knees pulled tight to his chest. He dug his nails into his arm as his mind continuously went over the failures in his life. He could see them playing in his minds eye, as though someone had set a video to play, forcing him to relive his failures. It was his fault, it was all his fault, that Eiri had been raped as a child, that Mika had felt that she needed to look elsewhere for love, because he hadn't been giving her the attention that she felt she deserved. He loved her, he tried to show her, but it wasn't enough for her. She knew that he loved another, loved someone more than he loved her. He had finally accepted that Eiri would never choose him, had always known it, and though he still cared about the blonde author, still felt responsible for him, for what had happened to him, for what he now did, he had moved on. He just regretted that it had taken him so long to accept that, if he had accepted it sooner, than Shuichi would have no reason to hate him.
He didn't know when he had started to like the pink haired singer, but he had blown any chance, no matter how remote and unlikely it would have been, he would have ever had with the boy.
'How pathetic, I can't even offer him any comfort' Tohma thought bitterly to himself. He felt his chest tighten when he remembered the way that Shuichi had jumped away from him earlier that night. 'He must really hate me' he thought sadly. Not that he could blame, he hadn't exactly been nice to the boy, though he had his reasons for trying to break Yuki and Shuichi up, he knew Shuichi had every reason, every right to hate him. He had done his best to break the couple up, knowing what would happen if they stayed together, knowing that it wouldn't end well, but all he had managed to do was to make his crush hate him. Tohma felt the self-hatred bubble up in him, making him want to scream as he tightened his grip on his arms, feeling the nails bite into the skin through the fabric of his sleeves. Silently he loosened his grip, pushing back one of his sleeves to reveal, his arm, the tender skin of the underside of his arm covered in lines that were in various stages of healing, some fresh while others were scabbed over, while others were faded silver lines, standing out against the pale skin of his arms. He picked up the razor blade that that was lying on the floor next to him. With slow, deliberate movements he brought the blade to skin and pushed, feeling the blade sink into his skin, drawing it across his arm. He watched as the blood welled up, slowly running down his arm.
'What good is it to hang around, nobody actually needs me here' Tohma thought to himself as he watched the blood drip onto the floor. 'They could easily find someone else to run NG, The band doesn't even really need me, I'm sure that they could find someone that would be better suited than me. I'm sure they would be better off without me. Maybe it would be best to just end it now, that way no one else will be hurt by me, hurt by my failures' Tohma thought, feeling the tears build in his eyes. He heard the footsteps outside a second before the door opened. He stared down at his lap for a minute, blinking his eyes to clear them before looking up, seeing Shuichi standing in the door way, looking surprised. Tohma was thankful that he had left the lights off in the room, knowing that the dim light in the bathroom would hide the blood from the young singer.
Shuichi yawned as he opened the door to the guest room, his steps quite as he made his way to the bathroom. He had been tossing and turning, unable to sleep, his mind refusing to rest as it ran around in circles. He couldn't stop remembering the hurt look in Tohma's eyes when he, Shuichi, had jumped back from him. But why would Tohma be hurt that he had moved away from him. Tohma hated him right, so why would that bother him? He quietly pushed the door of the bathroom open, surprised to see the object of his current thoughts sitting slumped against the wall. He was about to back out of the room when Tohma looked up at him.
"Sorry Seguchi-san, I didn't know you were in here." Shuichi said quietly
"Its fine Shindou-san, what are you still doing up?" Tohma aske him with a tired smile.
"I couldn't sleep"
"Would you like a cup of tea then, or maybe some hot chocolate?" Tohma asked him.
"Hot chocolate please?" Shuichi asked him, unsure.
"Alright Shindou-san, if you'llwait in the kitchen, I'll be out in a minute" Tohma said with a smile. Shuichi nodded and closed the door, heading towards the kitchen.