'Valediction'
Part II
Disclaimer: I do NOT own GH.
Stage 1
Returning to Japan had been oddly liberating…
He breathed in deeply as if mere inhaling would settle the growing restlessness inside him, as if he was breathing for the very first time.
There was a familiar crispness to the night-air, a strange sort of contentment that seeped into his bones and spread throughout his system and for a moment he knew that his mind was nothing but a void of nothingness, every thought was quiet, dim. The cityscape was spread before his eyes, sprawling, stretching and stretching as far as vision would go; the lights blinding, the glimpse of a fast life racing ahead as he stood there, hands in his pockets, watching people walk past him lost in their own worlds, hearing a white noise pounding around him, time whirring endlessly, passing with each day.
It felt limitless…
He felt limitless.
Oliver Davis inclined his head to the side in detached fascination.
He had never liked being entrapped in crowds, the risk of physical contact was too high; the jarring din that rang in the background should have felt like imprisonment but right now, at this moment it served to dim the blare of inner conflict that raged around, tolling with his mind.
It was bizarre how he had spent all his life, trying to drown out the voices in his head but they had never been the clangs of inner battle, they had always been a distorted orchestra of clawing misery, incessant crying, screams that were not his own. Funny. He was being choked by memories that did not even belong to him.
But his powers had carved him. Made him every inch of what he was today.
That was what had made him decide to be a ghost-hunter in the first place. Clinging to paranormal research had not held much appeal after he had wasted childhood trying to convince himself that he was not insane. That the sounds in his head were just that… sounds.
Now, he was here. In Japan. With an intent.
Though the real dilemma was not returning, it was what he going to do once he did return; a question Lin had often been prompted to ask him. Another example of his deteriorating thinking ability that led him to nothing but rash decision which was so unlike who he truly was.
A heartless bastard.
Then why was he changing?
When the plane had landed on Japanese soil, Oliver Davis had promised himself two things; he would not let his present affliction, if one could call it that, interfere with his work and two that he would not change himself, ever. He would not be a martyr, Mai had to accept him for who he was, not for what he could be; he did not want to change himself into Gene with all smiles, if Mai accepted him (if she ever did) she had to make peace with the grey facets of his personality and had to leave it alone, away from any probing. He was not going to change, ever.
He hated being used.
Even more he despised being likened to someone he was not. Someone who was haunting him from beyond the grave.
It was ironic, really, how his brother continued to win hearts even if he was nothing more than a decomposed collection of bones and memories.
He hadn't even managed to make her smile…
And then he breathed in deep – again – prompting the breeze to take his mind from these erratic thoughts.
He would forget about her if he did not have her acceptance, he would go back to his life; a tidy swirl of monochromic days and would never think about her, not if she wanted him to change himself for her approval.
Oliver pushed himself off the railing and strode back towards his apartment, his mind abuzz with unwanted thoughts.
He would forget.
He would have no difficulty.
Lies…
The breeze swept past him and he closed his eyes, letting the night cloak him in the shadows.
He was here. Back. Finally.
Stage 2
He did not know what he had expected to discover when he returned…
"You've been quiet all week."
Somewhere in the back of his mind – an irrational side he was unable to tune out these days – he wanted Mai to be affected by his presence, show him signs that she was still pining for him; an uncertain smile, an unconscious gesture, just something that would prove that this torture was not entirely one-sided.
"It's nothing, Naru. I've just got this test I have to ace and then I have to baby-sit Keiko's sister because I promised her even if I have to absolutely study that night but I can't say no to Keiko, not when she has been…"
He had waited for days, observed her relentlessly, ruthless in his scrutiny as he interpreted all she did, all she said, processing the actions in her mind, turning them over and over until his brain spun with the confusion of it all; the desperation which led him in this never-ending chase.
Either she had perfected the art of lying or…
Oliver did not care to ponder upon the alternative.
"You're lying."
He had been following this redundant routine ever since he had returned but it never became too old; every night while he stared unseeingly at the white ceiling he thought about her.
"It's the truth, Naru. I don't know what has gotten into your head!"
It was like a drug, creeping into his senses until he fell into exhaustion.
"Did he hurt you?"
It was a medicine to his monochromic existence, it put him to things he had never imagined doing in his life, things he had never thought about.
"Hiro-kun could never hurt me. You're just being unusually nosy these days…"
It was infatuation, alright.
"Well then why did you think I was talking about Hiro-kun. It could have been anyone."
She smiled, she laughed, she talked and even argued with him but somehow he knew that if he withdrew from her life it would not affect her at all – she would still be the same cheerful woman she was now, perhaps she would pursue her freedom more with his suffocating presence absent from her life.
"Oh!"
The thought depressed him.
"Did he hurt you, Mai? Takigawa says you've been acting strange all week and that he caught you crying in the kitchen yesterday."
These days everything depressed him.
"That snooping, old man! Why did he tell you, really?! Can't I keep secrets?"
And to think that when nothing had cost him so much thought in life, it took one woman to change it all until he was doing nothing but thinking, building thoughts upon thoughts, wants upon needs, smiles upon his hard frowns; he couldn't change but for the first time in his life did he ever wonder if being more like Gene would be feasible to his situation.
"Not if they damage you emotionally."
He wanted to try.
"It's nothing. Just… just forget Monk ever said anything, it was all my fault. I just can't accept all that…"
Perhaps Mai would see the change in him and…
"What is wrong?"
Maybe she would…
"Nothing, Naru. Everything's perfect actually. It's just me."
"Mai? Where do you think you are going?"
If infatuation was what he was going through right at the moment, he knew that he did not care to contemplate love.
"Leave me alone. Please."
Not at all.
Stage 3
And then there were moments like these that made the infatuation seem almost right.
"You really don't have to walk me home, Naru." She repeated, adjusting the strap of her bag on her shoulder. "I can manage!"
Right.
These days he vied for moments where he could be alone with Mai; he was turning into one of those pathetic, melodramatic heroes the women at SPR were always chatting about.
"Nonsense." He scoffed, adjusting the umbrella so that it protected her from any of the cold rain droplets. "You are probably looking for an excuse to call in sick and skip work."
He watched with barely concealed amusement as she turned that particular shade of scarlet and started spluttering in indignation, her feet stomping with a splash on the wet pavements.
It had been raining ceaselessly since the afternoon and Mai in her usual forgetful manner had forgotten her umbrella home; that in itself had been nothing less than divine intervention and here he was, after snagging the opportunity to walk his assistant home.
"What?! You know I don't take leave for sickness. Why! The last time I was sick, I still called in for work and then I stayed in for the night because you made me work so much. Like I was your minion." She crossed her arms and tucked her chin in, pouting like a sullen child.
"Aren't you my minion as you so aptly describe?"
For days he had been looking for the opportunity to argue with her, rile her up like he used to do in the old days before any of this had happened to him.
"Argh! You're always treating me like an imbecile."
Before he had started looking for excuses to have time alone with his fiery assistant…
"You seem to have an accurate idea of my evaluation about your character."
She made a sound in the back of her throat that sounded like a snort and stopped, turning to face him.
He watched as a shadow crossed her face.
"Why are you doing this?"
He stopped walking and stared down at her.
"What?"
"All this." She spread her hands in an all-encompassing gesture. "All the arguing and the debate and the sarcastic comments as if you're hiding something from coming out by keeping your mind on one single goal."
How did she…
The rain stung his face with its harsh coldness and he barely noticed that he had lowered the umbrella all the while staring at her in concealed disbelief.
She would never stop mesmerizing him.
"I – …"
Naru took her image in; she was striking, all flesh and blood and fire – the rain drops slid down her cheeks in narrow streaks, clinging to her wet hair as she too stared up at him with an unknown look in her eyes… something torn between desire and pain; confusion and knowledge, strange yet welcome.
"Naru…"
He knew it mirrored the look in his own.
Words escaped his mouth but for all he knew they could be nothing but garbled phrases linked together haphazardly; perhaps he said her name, perhaps he told her how beguiling she looked at the moment, his voice hoarse.
Perhaps he said nothing at all…
He wanted her to look away, to break whatever spell he was under with the rain pattering in a barely discernible rhythm in the background over the pounding blood in his ears, over the erratic beat of his heart.
The damned organ existed.
It hurt.
And the longing in her eyes broke his composure.
So he turned, the umbrella forgotten and walked away.
From her.
From everything they both stood for.
For someone who had always been able to walk away with disturbing ease, turning away from her had been the most difficult thing ever.
Stage 4
"Is there a reason why you both are looming over me?"
"Really, Oliver. I thought you came to Japan to do something. Not to sit in your chair and stare out of the window morosely as she walks away with that idiot."
"I think Boss-man's a coward."
"Both of you. Out of my office. Now."
"So you can do what, Boss? Weep over your terminated love story?"
"All you do these days is grouse internally about your situation, Oliver. Definitely unhealthy."
"Lin. Yasu. Leave me alone."
"One day she's going to marry her 'Hiro-kun' and you'll cease to be Naru for her. You'll turn into bald, old, toothless Uncle Oliver! Bachelor Uncle Oliver for her children."
"While the image is… ahem… very riveting, I agree with Yasu, Noll. I won't ask you to intercede if you don't wish but please do come to terms with your heart-break because your current situation and the underlying tension between you and Mai-san is not very conducive to office environment."
"I'd probably encourage Mai to date that moron but you know how I pledged to be on your side because I thought it was winning. I'm having second thoughts here, Boss."
"I don't care what you do, Noll but whatever you've said to distress Mai-san, apologize for it. Anyone can see perfectly clear that she's miserable with her so called boyfriend."
"Maybe he doesn't have a masculine bone in his body."
"Maybe he doesn't have any bone in his body."
"I know you're miserable Boss but for Mai's sake. Do something."
. . .
"Maybe… he doesn't care for her at all."
. . .
"Don't. You. Ever. Say. That."
"Noll – I…"
"Ever."
"Boss, we…"
"I can't hurt her. Not this time."
"Noll, we understand, but…"
"So if you please, do not judge my actions if you do not understand my predicament."
"Oliver, you just can't…"
Slam…
"I think that 'Uncle Oliver' thing gave him an aneurysm, Lin."
. . .
"Knowing Noll… it did…"
Stage 5
The first time he kissed her, he finally understood complete peace.
And then he came to understand emotion and passion; the kind where you knew nothing else except the fact that memorizing each moment, each sight, each sound was absolutely imperative. It was as if he was storing the memory in the deepest corners of his brain.
He backed her up against the wall as she clung to him with a fervour that seared him.
"Naru…"
The broken whisper was a sound he would cherish forever.
"Don't think."
He didn't know for whose benefit he had uttered that statement; his or hers, all he knew was that he would never tire of her, of the way she moaned his name, the way she melted against him as if he was everything to her. As if he meant everything to her.
He groaned; his voice hoarse, strained.
How they came about to be like this, he did not know, nor did he care to remember, all he knew was that he lived the moment as fully as possible, consequences be damned.
"I want you." He needed to tell her everything that had led up to this mad, yet absolutely right moment. "I need you."
She said nothing, just whispered his name in drunken response.
"I need you, dammit. You're so wrong for me but you make everything seem right."
He spied a tear leaking down her eye and he swiped it with his thumb.
"I want you to smile at me. Laugh at me, with me, everything. You are mine. Do you hear me, Mai?"
She gazed at him through her glazed eyes.
"Naru…"
He stared at her, lost in the way the moonlight caught her hair, the way her eyes shined with tears, how she looked at him as if she was about to burst.
"I can't be Gene. Not even if I tried."
She swallowed.
"But I can be Naru… if you want."
At that she burst into tears, clutching at the lapels of his jacket as she cried, pummelling him with her little fists.
What the… ?
"Why?!" She shouted over her tears, looking up at him with a haunted look. "Why now?! Why do you do this to me?"
"What do you…?"
"Why?!" He took a step back, unnerved. "It was all going to be perfect. Perfect."
"Mai…"
His world spun like a reel of colours colliding against each other in untidy swirls, broken lines.
"Hiro proposed…" She jerked her hand upwards and he caught the blinding glimpse of a diamond ring being flashed in his face. "I thought I was over you, but every time I was with him I thought about you. Every perfect, damned time."
He could not hear anything.
He stepped back, stumbled blindly.
She answered his unspoken question.
"I said yes."
He knew he would never be the same again.
His wild gaze caught her desolate one; tears streaked down her face and her breathing was ragged, her expression gaunt. Invisible walls closed in around him and even when they stood in an empty room, he felt strangled.
So he just stared, unseeingly as she walked out of his office, out into the night, wiping her tears.
She was gone. She had left. His office. His life.
He was not heart-broken. Truly he was not.
He had just lost it.
And that was all there was to this story…
Stage 6
One last time.
He stared at her.
One last time.
He mapped her smile at the back of his mind, memorized the turn of her nose, the white scar near her lip, every freckle across the bridge of her nose.
One last time.
He watched her dance with him, smile at him, laugh with him.
One last time.
He noted every gesture she unconsciously made, the way her eyes brightened when she looked around the decorated hall, the way she smiled serenely every time someone congratulated her on her engagement. He just stood at the edge of the room, watching his life whir past him in a rush of dull colours, a stretch of loneliness, long work hours without a single respite in sight.
One last time.
They all danced, partied hard and he stood fixed to that spot, knowing that the SPR team was exchanging worried glances and staring at him in barely concealed pity.
He despised it.
Oliver recalled all the moments when he had appreciated Mai; noticing her selflessness, the way she found colour in places where there was nothing but dark, her tendency to find beauty in everything and anything.
One last time.
The way she looked at him. Stood up to him. Put him down when he went too high over the top.
It had ended.
Nobody would do that to him anymore.
He was glad.
And yet if contentment was what he felt at that particular moment, he knew that happiness was a closer synonym to sadness.
Though he was truly glad about one thing; now he could really be the heartless bastard he claimed that he was, no more pretending that he did not have that particular organ. He could just walk around and everyone would know. No more deceptions, no more appearances, no more facades.
He just stood there, leaning against the wall, watching her.
One last time.
And as he told himself with every observation that it was all for one last time, that he would after a few more minutes because he could not handle the chaos in his mind, he saw Mai looking at him.
He found himself looking back.
One last time. He reminded himself. One last time.
Then she smiled.
It was odd; he had committed to memory every one of those but this was new.
It lanced through him.
Her smile was a waning glimmer, a tired expression that he wanted to physically erase from her face, her eyes lost their lustre and for the first time, he noticed that none of her smiles earlier this evening had reached her eyes. She looked so desperate, so exhausted that…
Mai turned away, taking with her the broken smile that had entangled his mind into knots.
And he stood there, deprived of whatever warmth she had bought along, even with that bleak look.
For the first time in his life did Oliver Davis realize that the one last time had long before passed.
Nothing was left behind – nothing to lose, nothing to gain. Nothing but a stretching emptiness… an endless chasm.
This had been valediction.
He turned away, walking towards the door blindly, the pounding of his blood so loud that it threatened to drown out all sound around him.
For someone who had claimed to have no heart he had been conquered by a woman who did not want the useless organ at all.
He was not heart-broken. Truly he was not.
No such thing existed now…
A/N: I apologize for updating this so late but ah, well, I ran out of ideas. The engagement part in the story is dedicated to AmyNChan so I honestly have to thank her for the wonderful idea, no matter how angsty it might be. I'll be updating soon with my other stories, the third and final part to this installment and my one-shots for the fluff-week which will be late but I hope nobody minds that! :D :D
Cookies~
-borntoflyhigh-