Update: This Chapter is a revised version of the chapter 5 I posted here previously. For plot and characterization reasons, I have made changes to this chapter, some of which you may want to take a look at.
Chapter 5:
"You're kidding me, right?!"
Wednesday morning, and Takeshi was back to his regular pattern of behavior. "Okay, to be honest, I was kinda starting to get used to the fact you were best friends with a girl. Icky, yeah, but you didn't really act all that different." He angrily narrowed his eyes at me. "But now, you feel like you're on withdrawal because you haven't seen her for a day…?"
These types of conversations were common, so they didn't really bother me. As a matter of fact, from the time I'd woken up, it felt like I was being toId the entire day to get out of my depressive streak that started yesterday evening. The sun was shining bright, illuminating the pastel, early morning sky with rich and vibrant color, the wind chilled the 72 degree weather to a mere 70 degrees, and I'd been graced with a morning devoid of any companionship. My dad, for one reason or another, hadn't been in the house by the time I'd woken up.
By the time I'd started talking to Takeshi, I had almost been convinced things weren't that bad. After all, Kotomi had considerably recovered considering what had happened to her, and life was shifting back to its' every day level of mediocrity.
"If that's the case, what's holding me back..?"
I decided not to answer that question for myself, and returned my attention back to Takeshi. I thought he was going to continue on with his rant, only conveying a more obviously irritated tone. Instead, he regurgitated a muffled laugh, and then burst out into uncontrollable roars of hoots and haws. I would've preferred it if he had just been angry.
"Knock it off;" I yell, louder than I need to. "I just like talking to her a lot, that's all." I soften my gaze as I look into his eyes, hoping to connect with his more sympathetic side. "She is the only person I can talk to at home."
He seemed hesitant to launch any immediate counterpoints. However, that feeling of relative serenity didn't last as long as I'd hoped it would.
"See!" He points his index finger in between my eyes. "That's your problem. You always act so mushy gushy whenever you talk about her. You two might as well just kiss and get married already."
"Don't be ridiculous;" I smiled, trying to trigger his less sensible retorts. "Most grown-ups find it completely normal for girls and boys our age to be friends, don't they?"
"Yeah, right," he scoffed indignantly. "I didn't know you were some type of grown-ups' pet."
My shoulders slumped downwards. I thought I had a decent chance of one-upping him, but at the worst possible time, he was able to beat me to the punch.
"Alright, you have a point." I sigh impatiently. "But I still don't see why you find it weird."
"Dude, I've talked to you about this stuff like a billon times since the start of the school year. If you still don't get it, there's no point in me telling you again."
I tiredly rest my head against my desk. "Why do I talk to you so much?"
"Because I'm one of the few people you can talk to."
The pride he takes in that statement bothers me more than a little bit.
"That's some deep insight." I angle my head upwards, my chin awkwardly scraping against the pine wood desk top. "Maybe you should become my therapist."
"Are you kidding me?" he yelled. "I get tired of listening to your mushy gushy feelings enough already. Having to listen to it all the time? I'd die of disgust!"
"It was a joke, yeesh," I glance over to my backpack and place "Introduction to Classic Japanese Folklore" on top of my desk. The thump of the book against the desk reminds me of something. "Besides, you kinda owe me."
"'Owe' you? For what?" He flips out a little more than I was expecting. "I'm the one who they've teased all this time, not you."
"If you didn't always blab your mouth about how freaky girls were, you wouldn't have to take any meanness from them either," I uneasily grin. "You're kinda at fault for that."
"Ah, come on, man, you're stressing me out." Takeshi said, his demeanor abruptly becoming relaxed. "I've gotten used to the way people treat me 'round here anyways."
"So you've accepted you deserve this treatment?"
"I never said that," He threw his head against his chair, and sighed. In the meantime, my mind drifts back to the research Kotomi seemed to be conducting in her house. Why hadn't she'd told me what she was looking into? "You still don't have any idea what's she's researching?"
He coughs. "How should I know? All I've gathered from the stupid talks we've had about her is that she's a bookworm."
"I suppose so…" I suddenly straighten up my posture. "Have you ever heard of the Furukawa Bakery?"
"No, but I could definitely go for some food right now."
"Well, I bought a donut there yesterday." I smiled, preparing for his reaction. "The funny thing is there was this girl who acted kinda shy when her mom introduced her to me. I'm wondering if there's something wrong with-"
"No, no, no!" He slams his thick, dirt covered hands against my desk. "We are not spending another minute talking about girls, ya hear me? Not another-" He stops himself, the blood boiling inside his brain suddenly reducing its temperature. "Oh, never mind. I'll talk to you later after all this girly stuff's finally run its course."
He huffed as he turned back to a sitting position behind his desk. I was betting on the fact I'd be able to savor his reaction, but I guess I should've figured that he would've admitted defeat eventually. Maybe I was being a bit too one-dimensional with my conversation topics. I glanced around the room, looking for something particularly noteworthy, when my eyes diverted to a particular student who'd made her footsteps very distinct.
Sakura Chitanda.
Regarded as the most popular female students in school, she was the only girl I'd seen who actually fit some of Takeshi's negative stereotypes. She didn't look it on the outside, though. Her hair was a dazzling light red, and her eyes were a very pretty purple. She also had this smile that instantly lowered even the most pensive of peoples' guards around her. However, that nature was off-set by her negative personality traits.
First of all, she's pretty obnoxious. Even though a lot of the other girls respected us enough not to talk about things we found horridly boring, Chitanda would frequent tables populated mostly by guys for the sole purpose of bringing up these irritating topics. Worse, she'd often pepper her dialogue with subtle insults for the brighter of us and not so subtle for the students who were a few grains short of a rice ball.
Second, she had a tendency of being kinda manipulative. Often, I'd seen her go out of her way to make friends with a group of girls, particularly those who were considered outcasts, and then gossip about them behind her back. Worse, she'd occasionally set up people for a fall, luring bad behavior of out the student she was talking with only to feign innocence afterwards. I honestly wasn't sure how many of the things she did had some type of reasoning behind it, or if she was doing it just for kicks.
If there was one thing Takeshi and I shared above all else, it was a mutual dislike for.
If I put my mind to it, I'd probably try to stand up to her, and tell her exactly how I felt about what she was doing. In fact, there were a couple of times I'd actually done just that when she was bullying the kids who couldn't really stand up for themselves. Ultimately, though, it never did her any good; every girl still wanted to be her best friend, and the way guys' treated always stayed the same. There were never a majority who thought she 'wasn't that bad for a girl', or who wished she'd take trip all the way to Alaska.
Takeshi showed confusion at my wandering gaze until he noticed her as well. Barely restraining a growl, he exchanged glances with me while Chitanda walked proudly to her seat.
If Chitanda had gone out of her way to ensure everybody knew she was there, then we were in for a long day.
Wednesday morning, I didn't end up going to school.
The web page from yesterday had unsettled me so much; my stomach had started to ache. This was more than enough to convince both my guardian and Hasegawa-sama that I needed to stay home. Although I was grateful to get the chance to clear my head, a much more dreadful thought was on my mind.
My parents hadn't just died in a plane crash.
They had been murdered.
Fighting back tears, I turned back to my computer, and tried to find the same page again. Although my chances of relocating the web site were slim, I couldn't let even the slightest chance of finding a suspect slip by me.
After a few minutes of searching, I realized I wouldn't be able to find the page. The website domain had disappeared when I'd try to access the page from the browser's history, and I couldn't find a similar-looking page when I searched manually.
There was nothing there. My last trail to finding something about my parents' killer was gone. Silent tears flowed down the corners of my eyes, my right fist tightened to keep myself from crying.
I had to keep my resolve. With this new piece of information, I had to find out as much as I could. This wasn't a time to give up now. I had to move on.
But I couldn't. I hadn't anticipated how much of a strain doing this would put on me.
So I cried. My quiet tears deafened the sound around me.
I quietly assured that I would be forever alone.
Before I could break down, let my body crumple onto the ground, I heard the door open behind me. It took all the strength I had to close the laptop as he walked inside.
He had tried to make his entrance quiet to ensure I wasn't shocked by his appearance. Had I not been as intense as I was, I might not have noticed him at first. Although his eyes still contained the stiffness he'd had from the first day I'd seen him, they gave off a different feeling than they did before. Now, they showed a man unsure of how to express the sympathy he felt. This feeling only worsened once he saw what was my condition.
"I don't mean to intrude on you.. Ichinose-san. If you want me to leave, I will promptly do so."
"That's fine… You can stay." My voice was tense, but I tried my best to keep my tone even.
"Alright then." He began to relax his rigid shoulders. "I wanted to ask-"He stopped himself. I wasn't sure what he was going to ask me, but he'd seemed to have lost interest in whatever it was once he really saw what was in my eyes.
"Ichionse… Do you mind telling me what's wrong?"
Inside, I wanted to tell him about the letter, my suspicions, and the research I'd been doing. After all, as far as I knew, he hadn't figured out why I'd been spending long hours on the internet, nor why I'd seemed so pale-faced last night. Maybe telling him would help ease some of my burdens. But no matter how much I wanted to tell him, I couldn't.
No matter how close he was to my parents, he was still a stranger to me.
"It's just…" An answer that would stop me from crying. Something I could talk about without getting emotional. I needed to tell him a lie that would be convincing, but meaningless to me. "I don't understand why people have to die."
My words were a lie. But the emotions I'd just revealed to him were more genuine then any I'd shown him before. I shouldn't have said it. I was going to break down. "Why, why did they have to die? Why… why did God let them get on that plane?" My voice lifted its' pitch. My eyes, swollen red with tears, had found new reason to work again. "Why did I act like I did to them? The last… The last thing I told them was… was that I hated them!"
My last call was hoarse, yet loud. My voice cried out in painful, agonizing serenades of despair and want. I cried as loud and as hard as I could.
I should've seen this coming.
I should've known that I would fall again.
My guardian sighed beside me, looking down at his palms, searching for an answer to my questions. I continued on with my cries, hardly noticing the tight expression prevalent on his face.
"Kotomi,"
His voice was still somber. He hadn't changed his tone, or even his pitch.
It was the fact that he'd said my first name that stopped me.
"I don't know how you feel. In fact, I don't even have the slightest idea of the pain you are going through."
He took of his hat, and placed it on one of the bed's four corners. "However, I do know one thing."
He looked at me seriously. "Tragedies do not occur for any good reason. They are senseless, bitter pains the world has to face because of man's sin against God."
His face almost turned stern as he looked at me. "Whatever you may have said or done to them had nothing to do with their deaths."
My eyes were starting to dry. But I continued to cry as he talked. His words weren't calming enough for me to stop.
"Maybe they lived busy lives, maybe they were times you felt they weren't always there for you…" He made an effort to keep his eyes open. "But, I know without a doubt that they loved you more than anyone else in the world."
He'd attracted my gaze. My audible tears hadn't yet stopped, but I understood him enough to look at him.
"More than their careers, and more than anyone else."
I decided to stop crying. I wanted to know if that was all he had to say.
"Kotomi,'
"…yes?"
"I'm, going to tell you something. If I do, do you promise to never forget that they are true?"
I hastily nodded.
"Never forget that your parents, and especially God, have forgiven you for everything."
I gasped, slightly surprised at his words.
"There was never a single day in your life your parents didn't love you. And there was never a single day in your life God didn't love you either," He rubbed his hand across his eyes. "I know for a fact they Both forgave you for what you said that day. And, your parents' love hasn't changed since the day you were born. And as for God,"
He made sure not to lose my gaze.
"He's loved you the very same since before the Earth began. And no matter what you do, no matter how many times you feel you've failed, He will never, ever stop caring for you." He knelt down to face me. "Do you understand?"
Were all his words rehearsed? Was he just trying to improve my mood for his sake? Or did he mean everything he said? I wasn't sure either way.
But it was what I needed.
I hesitated for a moment, and then wrapped my arms around him. I felt the warmth inside of him, I felt the tears he'd forced himself not to shed.
And I felt the honesty he'd tried his best to show.
After a few seconds of silence, he awkwardly rustled my hair. Confused, I let go of him, and looked into his eyes. He tried his best to offer me a small smile, and then let it fade for a moment.
"Kotomi, you will promise to never forget what I just said… Alright?"
I couldn't say anything. All I could show him was a hesitant, yet emotionally felt nod. The silence from earlier filled the room again.
Finally, he broke the silence with a quiet sneeze. He walked over to the exit, but stopped at the doorway.
"Are you planning to go to school tomorrow?" The change in subject surprised me, and I responded accordingly.
"Huh?"
"Are you planning to go to school tomorrow?"
I stroked my chin with my fingers, and then responded. "Yes,"
"Alright," He looked at the floor for a moment, and then turned back to me. "I'm glad that I could help,
He quietly slipped out of my room, and walked unevenly down the stairs. From time to time, I'd wonder where he slept from day to day. Maybe he didn't even sleep in this house. Although I rarely put much thought into this question, it was a diverting mystery if nothing else.
His words stayed with me. I didn't feel any suspicion, any fears or worries any more. And in my heart, I knew why his words had been so warm to me.
Because if my dad had been in his position, he would've said exactly the same thing.
I looked back to the laptop I'd just closed. I considered my options for a moment. In my thoughts, I remembered the day my mom and dad had told me what my name meant. It was hard to remember what he'd told me clearly, but they'd compared me to being more wonderful than every star that they'd ever seen.
I knew many would say that was corny, maybe even an old or trite phrase.
But to me, their words meant this;
"I love you more than anything the world could ever give me."
As a happy, solitary tear escaped from my eye, I decided not to place my hand on the computer.
Maybe tomorrow.
But not today.