Chapter 8:
I woke up, and felt the sun shine in my eyes. I scrunched my top and bottom eyelids together and slowly walked downstairs. My housekeeper stood on the bottom step, shaking her head.
"What took you so long? You're an Ichinose! Eat your breakfast and get ready for school!"
"Yes, Hasegawa-san," I sighed as I headed into the kitchen. My guardian was sitting at the front of the table, munching on eggs and bacon he might actually have cooked himself.
Realizing my appearance in the kitchen, he offered me a small, gentle smile.
"Good morning, Ichinose-san. Did you sleep well?"
"Y-Yes..," I said, forcing a smile in return.
The night before had been nothing short of terrible. I couldn't remember the last time Tomoya and I had been so divided on an issue to the point he'd leave without even saying good-bye.
After he left, I'd cried for a few minutes. His words had been so strong that, for a moment, I actually considered heeding his request.
A sudden thought made me reconsider.
Quietly, I'd slipped down the stairs, and gazed up at a picture of my mom and dad about three weeks before they died. I stood in the center of the three, my posture as tall and straight as it ever had been. My dad and mom adopted similar physical demeanors.
However, I noticed something in their eyes that made it feel different than others I'd seen of the same type. In their eyes, even in the tight-lipped expressions they wore, I saw genuine affection. I saw the kind of look that showed they loved me.
I knew I would never be able to pay them back for what I'd done. But what kind of daughter would I be if I ignored evidence that suggested they had been murdered?
That's when I made the decision to pursue this investigation to the very end.
"That's good," he said. "I may not be what one would call an ideal guardian, but I do know how to cook. After all, it's much more difficult to learn on an empty stomach."
"I know," I said, comforted yet repulsed by his rehearsed words. "I'll do my best.
"I know you will," He exhaled, standing up from his position at the table. "I'm sorry for leaving so abruptly, but I have some work to do. Have a good day at school,"
He dashed out the door. I wondered if he was acting so polite because of how open he had been yesterday. Maybe he was trying to ease the air a little bit.
I turned my attention back to the food. Cautiously, I bit into the crispy bacon strips he'd set aside from the eggs. The food tasted much better than I'd anticipated. While lacking the home-made flavor of my parents' cooking, it was miles above from the slop my housekeeper had served me from time to time.
After finishing breakfast, I dashed upstairs, and put on my uniform. With ten minutes left until school was supposed to start, I realized I'd missed the bus. If I wanted to get to school before the first bell rang, I was going to have to book it.
Ever since my parents had died, I'd tried to see school as an escape; a place where I could forget about my doubts and live out the life my parents wanted me to have. Today, however, I wasn't nearly so calm.
I had considered checking books and physically published sources in hopes of finding out more about the accident, but I hadn't taken the time of day to try. Now, with a new sense of purpose, I was determined to find something of use at the school library.
Although old-fashioned, and not especially well-kept, the library was an encyclopedia of all types of documented information. Old books, journal entries, newspaper articles, you could find almost any kind of information from that old place. I wasn't sure how exactly how much new information I could find from the books, but I knew it wouldn't hurt to look.
I jerked the door to my classroom open, exhausted from the running I'd done to arrive on time. Kanna glanced back at me with a look of sympathy and curiosity.
"Wow Kotomi-chan, you look bushed!" She said as I entered through the doors. "Why were you running so fast?"
"I was running a bit late for school, so I had to get here as fast as I could."
"Well, that explains a lot. I should've figured you'd do something like this if you ever slept in," She frowned slightly. "If you don't mind me asking, how have you been?"
"Oh," My parents flashed through my mind. "Well, I'm still kinda sad, but I'm getting used to living with my guardian. He's quiet sometimes, but he's not a bad person."
"That's good," she smiled. "As long as you're happy, so I am." She took a moment to scan the room around us before returning her attention to me. "So, did you see Tomoya-san yesterday?"
"Yes." I glanced away from her. "He did,"
"And you're sad?" Kanna's eyes flashed with concern. "What happened?"
I couldn't tell her about what we disagreed on. I needed to think of a suitable way to explain the situation without explaining my intentions. "Well, we were, I told him about something he was doing, but he didn't like it. After we told my guardian about it, he talked a lot about when he was a kid and stuff. It really moved Tomoya, so he was angry that I still wanted to continue, even though my guardian had opened his heart to get me to stop. He stormed away angry and ended by saying that he would let me but not to lose sight of myself."
My explanation was vague. I have a feeling if I heard something like that from someone; I would have asked the person to clarify. However, Kanna earnestly seemed to be puzzling my words, trying to decipher their exact meaning.
"What is this 'thing'?"
"Well… It's something I feel I have to do.
I faced my eyes straight ahead of me. "It's something my parents would've wanted me to do."
"I see…" She sighed. "Does he understand that?"
"Somewhat," I look back towards her. "I understand why he's worried, but this is something I just can't ignore."
"Yeah, you think he'd be a little more sympathetic,"
"He was." I persisted. "He just didn't agree,"
"Well," She nodded to herself. "I wouldn't worry about it. From what you've said, he's a nice guy, so I think he'll apologize 'fore the day ends."
She noticed I was still downcast.
"Hey, seriously, chin up. I can't keep up this happy-go-luck mood if you're all mopey,"
"Okay," I smiled. "I'll try,"
"Besides, you two can't start getting all wangtsy and stuff until you're at least thirteen years old."
Although Kanna considered me more intelligent than her, she was very well-educated in the changing moods, personalities, and feelings of people when they grew up into their adolescent years. Whenever she'd try to explain why she felt Tomoya and I were destined to get married, I'd generally lose track of what she was saying.
In the way of understanding puberty, she was several maturity levels above me. Occasionally, I was tempted to ask her what exactly it was like, but I stopped myself before I ever actually got to ask her anything about it. I figured that it may be one of those things in life that's better left not known. At least, for a time…
Feeling exasperated just thinking about such things, I returned my attention to the school book I'd taken out. After spending a minute reviewing the text, I heard the footsteps of the class piling inside after hearing the bell.
I gasped.
"What's wrong-?"
Before she could say anything else, I was gone.
I finally stopped at the school's library newsstands. I sighed with relief, grateful I'd remembered to check. Although I wouldn't get a chance to scan the library for any useful materials, I was satisfied with anything that might interest me.
Quickly skimming through the newspapers, I wasn't able to find any useful information. I was ready to give up when I saw one sympathy column in the school paper that sparked my interest. Hearing the school bell, I quickly grabbed the paper, stuck it into my backpack, and dashed back into the classroom.
"What are you in such a hurry for?" She asked. "If you'd taken just five more seconds, you'd be late."
"Oh, I just found a newspaper in the stands that I wanted to look at."
Shrugging, Kanna shifted her attention to the teacher who had now walked to the front of the classroom. I sat in my chair, waiting for school to end so I could continue my investigation.
Thursday morning, and I was more lost than I'd been in a long time.
There was no where I could go; no where I could vent my anger. The thought of having to go to school just made me angry.
My father was oddly attentive when I walked down the stairs. He stared at me with firm consternation. It took everything in my power to walk across the hall and out the door without saying a word.
I entered the classroom in time for first hour, sitting next to Takeshi as I always did. He opened his mouth to speak, but then stopped. I watched his eyes weave his internal tale, a tale where he struggled to decide whether to encourage me, or leave me alone. I faced his eyes for a moment, granting him a silent nod.
"Hope you get better soon, man," He sighed, turning his attention to the front of the class.
The rest of the day felt empty. I'd never felt that everyone one of my actions was so pointless, so robotic. I didn't even feel human in the midst of the other students. Above all else, I wished to find a lonely corner of the world and disappear from the lives of everyone around me.
After last period, I walked towards the exit. I didn't feel like talking to anyone, and I couldn't stay here without finding someone to bother me.
"Hey,"
A spasm jutted out my shoulders. I darted my eyes behind me, coming face to face with the one person I didn't want to see.
Sakura.
"About yesterday. I just wanted to say—"
"Knock it off, alright?! I have no time for your stupid little teases, so leave me alone!"
The corners of Sakura's eyes widened. She retreated a step or two back and started crying.
"I-I didn't want to tease you,"
The intensity in my eyes plummeted.
"I wanted to apologize for yesterday," Her pitch was inconsistent, her tone dangerously close to sobbing. "My mom said I shouldn't have said the stuff I did, so she said I had to apologize."
That did it. The entire day I hadn't thought once of how much of a jerk I was being. Suddenly I knew.
"I-I'm sorry—"
"I thought for a second, my mom was right. But the teacher was right; you are what they said you are!"
Her tears dried up completely; replaced with a fierce anger I'd never seen her show before.
"You're nothing but a selfish, stupid jerk!"
"Chitanda-sa"
"And I hate you!" Her eyes scowled my direction. "Get out of here, before I make the police lock you in cell forever."
"Please, I-"
"LEAVE!"
My eyes were wide; wide with anger, fear, and remorse. And for once in my life, I had no way of dealing with it.
I stepped back once. And after just one half-second, I dashed out the door.
There was nowhere to go. I was alone.
No one could possibly accept me.
After what felt like hours, I slowed down to a walking speed so I could catch my breath. I tried to walk for longer, but then I collapsed on the ground, hands and knees on the ground.
I was mad. Mad at my father, mad at myself, nothing I could think of seemed to take my mind off of the searing pain in my soul from the way I treated my father, at the way he treated me at the fact that I lost my mother, the fact that I felt trapped by my past.
"Why… Why am I here?"
I lifted my voice upwards.
"Why can I never be happy?!"