PART 4
His wife's snores are music to his ears, and they are another sign to Derek that Meredith is still Meredith. His children are snuggled up close to their mother; Bailey on her left, and Zola on her right. Zola has her hand draped over Meredith's midsection. Bailey's head leans against her bosom, while he suckles his thumb, gobs of saliva drooling from his mouth in his sleep.
It's a picture that makes Derek's heart swell, an image he's captured with his iPhone's camera so he can revisit it later. He's taken pictures of Meredith sleeping a number of times, and she's always scolded him for it when she's caught him. She insists it's creepy.
He can't help that she looks so beautiful when she's asleep.
They all do. Watching someone you love sleep is an ineffable experience. It's magic, and there's something about it that eases his mind. Perhaps it's knowing that, in this very moment, his wife and children are at peace. Any pain that Meredith may feel ceases to exist in this moment. Her body is completely relaxed along with their children.
During sleep, the brain heals itself. That's why it's a vital part of human life. Experts say a sleep deprived individual's mentality is actually equivalent to a drunk's. During the day, the brain is constantly active, taking in new information, exerting the strength and power so a person can survive. The brain needs its rest. It needs time to process all the new information it retrieves, to store it into longterm memory, to prepare to take in new information.
He knows it's unlikely Meredith will wake with all her memories back, not with the tumor still violating her brain, but at least she's recuperating. She's had one hell of a day, and she needs to relax her body now to prepare for her long road ahead.
If the surgery is a success - no, when the surgery is a success - Derek knows Meredith will have a long, bumpy road ahead. Even if she manages to regain her memories, brain surgery isn't anything to be taken lightly, especially a tumor resect surgery. She'll have months of recovery ahead, and she won't be able to do it alone.
Derek has begun to nod off in the chair beside Meredith's bed when Amelia and Maggie enter the room. He immediately jerks to full consciousness, though Meredith and the kids remain asleep.
"Hey," Maggie whispers, waving gently at him.
"We were wondering if you wanted us to take the kids?" Amelia quietly asks, eying the slumbering bunch in the bed beside him.
There's nothing Derek wants more than some additional alone time with his wife, even if she's sleeping, so he graciously accepts Amelia and Maggie's offer. Amelia quietly rouses Zola, who is getting much too big to be carried through the hospital. Zola groggily rolls out of bed with Derek's assistance and takes her aunt's hand. She rubs her eyes with her free hand, "Where are we going?" she looks up at her Aunt Amelia.
"Home, sweetie, so Mommy can rest," Amelia answers as Maggie carefully separates Bailey from his mother, without waking either. She cradles him soothingly, and he remains deep in sleep.
"Is Daddy coming too?" Zola asks, tiredly looking in her father's direction.
"Daddy's going to stay here with Mommy," Derek explains to his daughter. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"
"Do you want us to bring them before the s-u-r-g-e-r-y?" Amelia asks, hesitantly looking at Zola, who Derek assumes can't spell surgery yet. He feels awful that he doesn't know what words his daughter can and can't read. Derek should know this. He knows she was reading a Berenstain Bears book once when he Skyped her, but he's unable to recall which one.
He feels like the worst father in the world.
"Yes," he says. "You should. I think Meredith would like that."
"We'll see you tomorrow morning, then," Maggie says, bidding her goodbye. Zola is already starting to nod off; she leans against Meredith's bed bar. Amelia carefully touches the little girl's shoulder. Zola opens her eyes long enough for her aunts to direct her out of the room, leaving Derek alone with Meredith.
A few minutes after Maggie and Amelia exit with the kids, Meredith murmurs something, but he can't quite make out what she's saying. She definitely grabs his attention, though, as he focuses intently on her, trying to decide if she's awake or if she's simply sleep talking.
"Where'd they go?" Her eyes spring open, her body twitching as if to signal that she's actually conscious and not just sleep talking.
"My sister and your sister took them home," Derek explains, realizing when it's too late to retract his comment, and he's just opened yet another can of worms.
"I have a sister?" Meredith asks in the midst of a small yawn.
Derek senses his color draining. He knows now is not the time to tell her about Lexie. Or Molly, for that matter. She had such a difficult time accepting her half-sisters from her father's second marriage the first time around, then losing Lexie had been so hard on her. He doesn't want her to have to experience that grief all over again in this instance.
But she's already seen Maggie, so she deserves to know who she is.
"You know Richard Webber?" Derek asks, assuming she does, since he's the only person at Grey Sloan Memorial who knew Meredith prior to her internship. He's known Meredith longer than anyone presently in her life.
Meredith nods. "He's the chief, yes, and he was a friend of my mother's."
"Well, your mother and him had an affair years ago, and your mother got pregnant with your sister, Maggie, and then she gave her up for adoption when she was a baby," Derek explains. He can tell Meredith is puzzled.
"That doesn't make any sense." She wrinkles her forehead, like she does when she's deep in thought. "Was this before I was born?"
"I believe it was when your mother left Seattle," Derek responds, remembering Meredith's explanation of the scenario in the lounge.
"Richard and Ellis had a kid. I remember moving to Boston. I remember the two of two of us basically hiding out in an apartment. I remember she cried a lot."
She'd been running from him all day, resulting in him finding out from Maggie herself that she was Meredith's sister, with a little help from Amelia, who had somehow found out about Maggie and Meredith's relationship. Derek never did ask his sister how she came to know about Maggie; it's unimportant.
It makes him sad knowing that Meredith didn't feel comfortable confiding in him herself. Nonetheless, they weren't exactly in a good place at the time. She'd spent the night at Alex's the day before drinking, and his reaction was anything but supportive. Rather than listening to why she was upset enough to play hooky from work to get drunk with Alex, he had jumped to inappropriate conclusions.
He desperately wants to make things right with Meredith, and not just because she doesn't remember him. It's not because she's endured an accident where he could have easily lost her forever. No, it's because he loves her. She's the most important person in the world to him, and he needs her to know that. Derek feels awful that it's come to this - Meredith near the edge of death - for him to come home, for him to want to fix his relationship. Maybe this is supposed to be his wake-up call? Everyone needs a wake-up call every now and then. This has to be his; he can't see this situation having any other purpose.
Derek knows there's no use in making excuses for his actions, even if Meredith had been pushing him away for many months. It's the reason he stopped reaching out to her. It's the reason he stopped trying to get ahold of her after he moved to DC. Heck, it's the reason he went to DC. She acted like she wanted nothing to do with him, so what was he supposed to do? He hadn't known what to do.
What if it's been the tumor all along? She doesn't really not want him around; the tumor affected her judgment. It caused her to be angry all the time, and she directed her anger at him. Given the tumor's location, it's certainly a high possibility. Once the tumor is removed, maybe things can go back to normal. He can have his wife and family back, once and for all, and they can live happily ever after.
Maybe not happily ever after, because he knows his wife, with or sans tumor, and he's well aware that drama looms the halls of Grey Sloan Memorial twenty-four-seven. But they can get pretty damn close to happily ever after.
"I-I don't understand," Meredith says, rubbing her forehead with her right hand. "I would have remembered if my mother was pregnant, right?"
"And I remember her belly getting big, and I knew I wasn't supposed to make any noise. And then her water broke on the kitchen floor, and that scared me because it reminded me of the blood in the kitchen when she cut her wrists. And I went to the hospital. I was there…" Derek remembers Meredith telling him.
"You were six, Meredith. You suppressed some of your memories. Memory can be so complex. You jumble things up; I think you confused going to the hospital when your mother slit her wrists with going to the hospital when Maggie was born," Derek says.
"Okay, but wouldn't I remember my mother's belly getting big?" Meredith retorts.
"You did," Derek says. "You told me you remembered."
"But I don't," Meredith says adamantly.
Wouldn't you remember my face from when we slept together the night before your first day as an intern? Derek thinks, but bites his tongue.
"And I remember lots about my childhood," Meredith continues. "I remember spending a lot of time with my dad, crying for my mom while she was working, then my parents fought. They fought a lot."
Derek swallows thickly, thinking of all the awful fights he and Meredith have had in front of their children. He hopes their earliest memories won't be of their children fighting.
"And then one day, my dad left, and my mom packed up all our things and we moved far, far away, to Boston. She wasn't pregnant. There's no way...I would remember that."
"It wasn't a prominent memory for you at age six, because there wasn't a baby that came home. Your mom didn't tell you that she was pregnant, so you didn't pay attention to it at the time, and that's why it doesn't stick out to you.
It hurts to see Meredith straining her memory like this, trying to figure out how Maggie could possibly be her sister through Ellis and Richard. He figures she went through something very similar to this when she first learned about Maggie, but he wasn't there for her then. She'd turned to Alex instead. He's grateful to at least be here for her now, even though it's awful she has to remember this all over again.
"I didn't think anything of my mother getting fat?" Meredith glares at him, visibly befuddled by the suggestion.
"People gain and lose weight all the time, and kids are less likely to judge or care," Derek shrugs, figuring it's the truth.
"I see," Meredith sighs. "You know," she says, pausing for a moment, "it's funny that we're talking about memory. Ironic, maybe." Her lips break into a small smile, and she snickers.
Derek nods. "It is," he acknowledges, his eyes glued to his wife. He wishes he could see inside her brain and figure out why the hell she can't remember their first night together, or at least a segment of it. "Meredith… there's something I need to ask you," he says, gazing wholeheartedly into her enchanting blue-green eyes.
"Hmm?" she hums.
"I..I was just wondering. When you woke up, you said you'd been in an accident on your way to your first day of intern yet, yet you remembered Alex, and I believe you met him on your first shift…"
"Actually, I met Alex at the intern open house a couple nights before," Meredith answers quickly. "He was such a jerk, I remember. I can't believe we're actually friends now."
Derek heart sinks even further. He'd completely forgotten about the intern meet-and-greet that he hadn't attended because he was trapped in surgery. He'd thought it was a silly event, because who wanted to hang out with interns? At the time, he'd been in a very dark, depressed state, and surgery was his outlet. Meeting the incoming interns had been the farthest thing from his mind, and it definitely hadn't intrigued him enough to want to meet them.
Had he gone, he would have meet Meredith even sooner than their evening at Joe's, and odds are they wouldn't have ended up in bed together a couple nights later, because he knows she wouldn't have taken him home had she known he was her attending. He'd had had hard enough time seducing her to go out with him after she found out, and he has a feeling that if they hadn't already had sex, she would have never given him a chance, seeing as she thought their relationship to be unprofessional.
"Oh," he mumbles.
"Is that what you wanted to ask me? When I met Alex?"
"No," he shakes his head. "I...I was just wondering if you remembered what you did the night before your first day as an intern."
Meredith's cheeks redden. Derek's heart begins to rapidly pound, and he has a feeling that she does in fact remember bits and pieces of the night, enough to look embarrassed at least. "I...uh...I'm assuming you know the answer, otherwise you wouldn't be asking me, so I shouldn't feel like a total whore tell you, then, am I correct?"
He nods. "Oh, I know what you did."
She laughs. "You know what I did last summer, huh?" He picks up on her movie reference, which makes his heart skip a beat because it's one of the first movies they saw together as a couple, but it was also one of her favorite Lois Duncan novels as a teen. The story was about a bunch of teenagers who were being stalked the summer after they'd hit someone and then they'd tried to cover it up. He'd thought it was a silly concept; he wasn't much into cheesy teen suspense novels and/or movies, but Meredith thought it was the most brilliant concept ever, so he pretended to like it too, for her sake.
"Oh, I do," he nods, reflecting upon the antagonizing summer months they'd spent arguing over whether or not he'd go to DC. Last summer may have been their worst summer ever, as a couple. It definitely wasn't the worst summer they'd had since meeting; that summer goes to the summer they'd spent apart after Cristina and Burke's wedding-that-wasn't. Meredith had gone up in front of the entire church and proclaimed, "It's over. So over," essentially breaking up with him in front of the entire crowd, then she'd fled with Cristina and he didn't see her for weeks. Then after her return, they "officially" broke up, with break-up sex.
The more he thinks, the more complicated he realizes their relationship has always been.
But he loves her. He can't stop loving her, not now, not ever.
"Then you know I had a one night stand...I, uh, am also assuming you know I was a little promiscuous before I met you?"
He nods. "I do." Derek hates that she's been with so many men, far more men than he has women. Maybe it's jealousy. It took him a long time to get past that jealousy, knowing other men had touched her in all the spots he has. He'd learned to accept it, though, and he's happy knowing he'll be the last man to touch her body.
At least he hopes he's the last man. He can't fathom another man touching her. He doesn't even want another man to look at her. She belongs to him, and he her. They may not be each other's first, but they're supposed to be each other's last.
"This is awkward," she admits, her cheeks flushing. "I...when did we meet exactly?"
"So, you don't remember any details about the man you slept with that night?" Derek asks.
She shakes her head. "No, I never try...tried...to remember remember details about the guys I slept with. I always intended for them to be one time deals; I'm not...I wasn't one...to get emotionally attached, which is why I ask: How the hell did I meet you? I'm not the marriage type, so excuse me if I'm a little confused."
Derek can't help but grin. "You're right, I had to work my ass off to get you to go out with me. It definitely wasn't easy. Marriage was even a harder milestone. It took you a long time to be ready."
"I can tell you're a patient man, then," Meredith hums, smiling proudly, which causes Derek's heart to sink, knowing that's not entirely true, and he feels guilty. He thinks of how he kissed Rose because Meredith wasn't ready. Meredith wasn't ready to move forward, so what did he do? He kissed a damn scrub nurse, and then Meredith told him she didn't want him seeing other people, then she freaked out about the house and thought that because he kissed Rose, it meant that he didn't want her, he just wanted somebody to build a life was. It was such a confusing time in their relationship, and he was anything but patient.
They've come so far since then, but patience is still a virtue. It's something he's always struggled with. It's the reason why after he gave up the DC job the first time around that he kept bugging Meredith about her research; he continuously asked her about her progress, even though he knew it bothered her. He was impatient. He'd given up everything for her, so the least she could do is make medical history. If he couldn't, then she had to.
But success doesn't happen overnight. Most people aren't ready to get married within just a few months of dating. He realizes that now. He needs to work on patience. He will work on being more patient with Meredith. Right now is certainly a test of his patience, since he doesn't want to push her.
He already feels like he's pushed her too far, with telling her about Maggie and then pushing for her to remember the details of their first night together.
Derek sighs. "You know, you should rest. Get some sleep. You have a big surgery tomorrow, and I don't want to wear you out tonight." He smiles, unable to push the dirty thoughts out of his mind.
"Well, you're more than welcome to wear me out," she snickers, eying the door. "I don't think many people are here this late at night, are they? Not much of a chance of anyone walking in, at least."
He bursts into laughter, as it appears Meredith's line of thinking is on the same dirty path as his. It's one thing he's always loved about her; she loves to talk dirty with him. Addison hated dirty talk, especially when they first started dating. She'd been raised in a fairly conservative home, up until she discovered her mother was secretly a lesbian a few years ago. He remembers receiving the freak-out text from Addie, and he'd been just as shocked as she was by the news.
Thanks to Mark, though, Addison's mind had quickly been liberalized. By the end of their relationship, Derek was fairly certain she was more dirty than him, but that was typical of sheltered goody two shoes who got corrupted in college,. Luckily, for Derek, he had Mark to corrupt him when he was a youth.
"Hmm, you're wasting no time wanting to sleep with a man you've just met," Derek raises his eyebrows, drawing the unsurprising parallels. "How do you know I'm not lying about being your husband? I could be any random guy, trying to pick you up and take advantage of you."
"Okay, for one, who takes advantage of a woman in my condition? I haven't looked at myself in a mirror lately, but I'm certain I look hideous," Meredith states.
"Oh, you'd be surprised," Derek chuckles. "And you don't look hideous. You couldn't look hideous if you tried." He winks.
She rolls her eyes, seemingly unconvinced. "And two, the children are a dead giveaway, especially our son. He's a carbon copy of you, with my thin hair. Poor kid. It's a shame he didn't get your thick, curly hair. Maybe he'll get it when he gets older, if he's lucky."
"Mmm, I actually think he's a carbon copy of you, with my eyes of course. At least that's all I see in him of me. He definitely has your nose and ears, too. And hands, his hands are tiny versions of yours." Derek hesitantly reaches for her right hand and strokes her knuckles with his thumb.
"If you say so," she chuckles. "Now, back to sleeping with men I've just met, well, it's all I know, surely you remember? I've never been in a relationship with a man, for what I can remember. One night stands are all I know. I mean, I had an FWB in college, but it only lasted three or four months. I like to switch it up."
"Oh, believe me, I know," he chuckles. "We switch it up."
"Do we, now?" she raises her eyebrows. "What's my favorite switch up?"
"Well…" Derek pauses. "You love the bendy thing I do in the shower; I think it's your favorite."
"Shit, I don't think I can take a shower right now with all these bandages." They both laugh. "Have we ever done it in a hospital bed?"
"Um, well, we did it in an exam room on prom night," he answers, moving slightly closer to her, longing to kiss her again, though he's afraid of where she'll take him if he gets any closer to her, with all the sex talk. It's not that he doesn't want to have sex with her; he's mostly afraid that it might not be safe right now, considering all of the tubes that are connected to her at this moment.
"Prom sex? Oh, please, tell me more," she whispers, yawning. He sees the dark circles forming around her eyes, her eyes half closing.
He tells her about the chief's niece, who was dying from cancer. He tells her nearly every detail, including how they had to put their dog down just hours before prom, and how she'd been dating another man at the time. He leaves Addison out, though.
"Wait, we had a dog together, but I was dating someone else?" she asks.
"It's, uh, complicated," he says with hesitance. "You were with someone else, and so was I," he finally confesses, flinching without revealing too much about Addison. Now that he thinks about it, Addison was the foundation of their trust issues. Everything was peachy before Addison came into the picture, and after that, Meredith lost the ability to trust him, with good reason of course.
Derek hasn't quite given her a buttload of reasons to trust him over the years. He's always screwing up, never intentionally, but he's good at breaking her trust. He promised her he would step back so she could work, then the damn President of the United States called his personal cell phone and he had to back out on his promise; and he's sure she never forgave him for that.
"Did we get the dog when we were together, then, and we shared it?" she asks, perplexed.
"No, you got him after we broke up, and your roommates said you had to get rid of the dog, or else, so you gave it to me. Then we found out the dog had cancer." Derek's heart aches, remembering how hard it had been for Meredith when they'd received Doc's diagnosis. She'd loved that dog so much.
"I had roommates?" she asks, frowning.
"You've had a lot of roommates over the years," he confides. "Alex was one of them for a while."
"Go figure," she giggles. "I'm not surprised; I'd never turn someone away a place to live if they really needed it, even if they were a jerk. I guess that's how we became friends, then?"
"I guess," he sighs; her unconditional love for the human race is one of the many things he loves about her. "Though, I tried to get rid of you roommates," he confesses.
"Why'd you do that?" she frowns.
He sighs. "Because I wanted you all to myself. Selfish, I know."
She doesn't respond to that. Instead, she just sighs, looking deep in contemplation. His heart swells. He would give anything to be able to read her mind, to know exactly what she remembers. Surely she must have some fragments of memories.
"I just…"
"Hmm?" he hums.
"I wish I could remember," she says, looking a bit dazed. "Everything...the good, the bad, the ugly…"
"Well, it's okay if you don't remember the ugly," he jokes, but she doesn't laugh.
"I just...why do I get the feeling there's something you're not telling me?" she inquires, causing his heart to pick up its speed.
"What do you mean?" he asks quickly, though he already knows the answer.
"Well," she swallows thickly. "Why did...Zola...act like she hadn't seen you in a long time? I mean, I know she's a kid, and to kids twenty minutes is forever, but there was just something…" She trails off, ending there.
"Something?" he asks, hesitant to look her in the eye.
"I don't know," she admits. "Why aren't you looking me in the eye?"
He sighs deeply, knowing he can't lie to her. "It's because...Meredith, I haven't been here. Zola hasn't seen me in weeks, because I've been working on DC with the president on an international BRAIN Initiative project."
"I see," her lips round. "That's pretty neat. I'm not only married to a neurosurgeon. I'm married to a neuro Rockstar."
Derek laughs at that, wishing the sheer amazement in her eyes. He pauses, taking the delight and excitement on her face in. Meredith had never once looked this excited about his presidential endeavors. Then again, this Meredith doesn't know the backstory, and how he had promised to take time off. This Meredith doesn't know about all the other lies he's told her. So of course she's happy for him.
"Though that has to be hard," she continues, breaking the silence. "With you working in DC, and me here alone with the kids. Why didn't I just go with you?"
He frowns. "I wanted you to, but you didn't want to move to DC. You wanted to stay here."
"That's silly. What's there for me here? My mom's dead, isn't she? She was pretty bad off from my memory; I can't imagine she's still alive."
"You'd be correct," Derek confirms, swallowing the build-up of spit in his throat. "You didn't want to move because Seattle is important to you. We own the hospital…"
"We own the hospital?!" she gasps, clearly amazed.
"Well, we're partial owners to the hospital. The Harper Avery Foundation owns a good chunk of it. You and I are two of the board members, because after the plane crash we invested our reward money into the hospital…"
"What plane crash? We were in a plane crash?" Her mouth drops open.
He swallows; he hadn't planned to tell her that, it had merely slipped out and now he was unable to retract the information.
"Yes, around three years ago," he admits, deciding to leave Lexie and Mark out of it, since she doesn't know who they are. He realizes then that she probably doesn't know who Callie and Arizona are, either, and he's not sure if she knows about Cristina. As far as he knows, they didn't become friends until after they started their internship. He wonders if anyone has called Cristina; that's not important right now, though. He's spent enough years sharing Meredith with Cristina; this his time to be with her alone.
"That's horrible. We were okay, right?" she asks.
"You sustained minimal injuries, and I sustained quite a bit of nerve damage to my hand. I couldn't operate for several months, but fortunately you got in touch with my sisters, even though I explicitly told you not to, and my sister, Lizzie, was able to donate live nerve to me," he informs her.
"How many sisters do you have?" she looks perplexed. "Amelia, Lizzie…" she seems to be recounting to herself.
"I have four sisters. There's Amelia and Lizzie, then Nancy and Kathleen. Amelia is my youngest sister," he tells her.
"Ah," she nods, yawning. Dark circles elongate around her eyes; she looks completely driven to exhaustion.
"You should probably get some more rest," he says, glancing at the time on his phone. It's past one o'clock in the morning. His own eyes feel heavy in their sockets; he's still feeling the jetlag effects of the three hour time change.
"I don't want," she yawns. She gazes wholeheartedly at him, needing almost. She pats the side of her bed, as if to invite him. His memory takes him back to the the times they've lain in hospital beds together; when she'd donated a portion of her liver to Thatcher, when he'd had his nerve transplant, when he'd been sick and she'd shown him the video of her giving his speech.
He's hesitant at first, but she keeps looking at him, her eyes almost begging him, so he doesn't hold back. He crawls in next to her, taking the spot which had earlier harbored their daughter. He takes up much more room than their daughter's small frame, so he must be careful not to snag one of her wires. He hears her grunt.
"You okay?" he asks softly.
She nods. "I'm amazing," she whispers, her eyes glistening.
He can't say he's surprised that she's invited him to join her bed, even though she doesn't remember him, considering their very first night together. They had not known each other the first time they slept together, after all. She had once mentioned to him that she preferred sharing her bed with strangers than with people she knew, because it was easier and there wasn't a pressure to commit.
But this is different than their first night together, and he knows that. It feels different, and not just because he remembers their history, even if she does not.
He lays his head on her chest, able to hear the rhythmic thuds of her heart pounding against his eardrum. Derek breathes in the moment, merely honored to be able to sleep with his wife again.
"Mommy, Daddy, wake up!"
There's no sunlight pouring in their window to tell them it's morning, so it takes Derek a moment to register where in the world he is. In DC, he always kept his blinds closed when he slept, otherwise the city lights were too bright for him to sleep. So it's not like he's woken to sunlight in many weeks, anyway.
Nor has he woken to this.
He blinks, allowing his surroundings to come into focus. A certain pressure is hitting against his shoulder, and it's a few moments before he realizes his daughter is poking him.
"Daddy, you gotta wake up!" Zola declares forcefully.
He cocks his head, realizing his head is lying against Meredith's breast. Her blue-green eyes dazzle him as she looks down at him.
"Good morning, SleepyHead," she whispers, her morning breath hitting his nostrils. It's an unfamiliar scent at first, which he imagines is a result of his being away for so long. Her voice is so familiar, so Meredith-y, that he almost forgets the prior day's events. Then the memories hit him at once, like a rock hitting him in the core of his stomach.
Before he can sit up, Zola prances onto the foot of the bed, her knees digging into Meredith's feet, which causes her to wince.
"Zola, be careful!" a voice calls. Derek turns his head to see Maggie standing there, holding Bailey. "Sorry, you said to bring them by before the s-u-r-g-e-r-y. Ginsberg is speaking with Amelia right. She wants to get started as soon as possible."
Derek gulps; he knew Ginsberg was on her way, but he hadn't anticipated the surgery happening so soon.
He thought he had more time.
Derek reaches for his daughter, pulling her away from Meredith's legs to prevent her from hurting her more.
"Mommy, Daddy, guess what!" Zola cries excitedly.
"What?" Derek and Meredith ask.
The little girl grins widely. Derek's mouth opens, when he realizes what Zola is trying to show them: a space between her teeth. She's lost her first tooth.
"The tooth fairy comed last night and brung me one dollar!" Zola announces proudly, reaching into her pocket and pulling out a green rectangle, George Washington's darkened photograph visible in the center of the paper.
Derek meets Maggie's eyes. She's smiling knowingly, and then he meets Meredith's enchanted eyes. She genuinely looks delighted for Zola. He's shocked; he can't believe his daughter is old enough to have lost her first tooth. Then again, he lost his first tooth when he was four years old, so of course it makes sense.
Where has the time gone?
It just keeps slipping away. He's losing everything. Zola is losing her teeth. And now he might be losing Meredith.
His heart pounds achingly in his chest.
"Congratulations," Meredith smiles, patting Zola's leg. "You're such a big girl now, aren't you?"
"Yep!" Zola exclaims proudly.
Tears well in Meredith's eyes. She looks at Maggie and Bailey. Bailey reaches for Meredith.
"Can I hold him?" Meredith asks tearfully. Maggie nods, gently positioning Bailey in Meredith's arms. Bailey leans his head against Meredith's bosom, where Derek had previously lain. It's a Shepherd man's favorite place.
Derek notices Maggie's eyes dart to the door, where Derek sees Ginsberg and Amelia standing.
"I'll be right back, so you can have a moment," Maggie smiles, disappearing through the door. She says something to the women standing in the door, but Derek can't make it out; just that the three doctors disappear from his sight.
This is far from how he pictured his family reunion with Meredith and the kids. He used to think about snuggling with his family when he was in DC. He missed it. They never did get to do it often, since their schedule didn't allow for it. Most mornings they were both awake before the kids. When Zola was little, they'd snuggled almost every morning in the big bed, and she'd slept with them most nights when they'd lived at Meredith's old house. After Bailey was born, mornings were suddenly utter chaos, and then the endless fighting happened and they stopped sleeping in the same bed on most nights.
What has become of his life?
He's not supposed to be snuggling with his family in a hospital bed; he's supposed to be at home, in the dreamhouse he built, in their big enormous bed with large windows and the sun shining through, lighting up the room.
That's how it's supposed to be.
Not in a cramped hospital bed, with a metal bar leaving imprint marks in his back, and an artificial light shining down on them.
At least they're together.
He notices liquid escaping Meredith's tear ducts.
"Mommy, why are you crwying?" Zola askings, breaking loose from Derek's hold as she crawls onto Meredith's legs, causing Meredith to grunt.
"Zola, be gentle," Derek warns. "Your mommy's in a lot of pain right now," he says, though he has a feeling it's more than a headache hurting Meredith now. He doesn't want to scare Zola, and he senses Meredith feels the same.
"'Cause of the axident? Auntie Maggie and Auntie Amy telled me Mommy gots in an axident which is why she hurts lots and lots," Zola tells him.
"Yes, because of the accident," Derek frowns, knowing it's the best explanation to offer Zola for now.
"But you gonna get betta soon, right, Mommy?" Zola peers at Meredith with her big brown eyes.
"I hope so," Meredith replies, looking worried. He hates that she looks worried, as if she doesn't believe she'll get better, as if she thinks this is the end.
This can't be the end. The thought weighs heavily on his heart. Ginsberg is the one of the best, he reminds himself. She'll be fine. She has to be. But even if she makes it through surgery, he knows that won't guarantee she'll get her memory back.
Though they're okay right now. They're happy. As happy as happy can be without her remembering meeting him or having his babies. She's putting on a pretty darn good show for their children. She's a great actress, at best.
Is that what their life is going to become? One big show?
He doesn't want that, either. He'd rather she get all her memories back and hate him and they go back to fighting twenty-four-seven. He needs her to remember.
"Zola," Meredith says tenderly, "and Bailey." She smiles, speaking the children's names. Bailey sucks tentatively on his tongue. "You know Mommy loves you, and she wants you to be the best that you can be, right?"
"Uh-huh," Zola nods.
"And that no matter what happens, you need to be a good girl for Daddy and Aunt Maggie and Aunt Amelia, right?"
"And you," Zola adds. "I got to be a good girl for you too, Mommy."
Meredith's eyes moisten even more. "And me," she whispers.
"Okay, I will, and Bailey be good too," Zola looks sternly at her little brother, whose face is covered in slobber. "Ewww, he's gross. Bad, Bailey!"
That brings a smile to Meredith's face. Derek is almost in tears now, too. Before either of them can say a word, Dr. Ginsberg and Amelia enter the room. "I need to take the kids, Derek," Amelia says, adding quietly, "It's time."
Derek swallows. "Okay," he says hoarsely, as Amelia rouses Bailey from Meredith's arms, and Derek couches Zola off the bed. "You're going to go play in daycare now," he tells Zola.
"But I wanna stay here with you and Mommy!" Zola protests.
"A little birdie just told me that Sofia just got to daycare, and she's looking forward to playing with you," Amelia chimes in, bringing a bright smile to Zola's face. She willingly takes Amelia's hand. Amelia looks to Derek, "I'll be back." Derek nods, watching as his sisters and kids depart, leaving him to prepare for the inevitable.
His attention directs to the new surgeon in the room, Dr. Ginsberg. She's aged considerably since he last saw her, but she's still recognizable.
"Dr. Shepherd, I have to say I never pictured that this would be how we'd be seeing each other next," Dr. Ginsberg says, studying him carefully. "I must say I've been following your work in DC. You'll be continuing it, I presume?"
"I have more important matters that concern me right this moment," Derek swallows, admitting to himself for the first time that Dr. Ginsberg's presumption may not be correct.
"Of course, of course, I didn't mean to be insensitive. I've been overly enthralled by your research, and how rude of me to bring it up right now. Now, you must be Meredith, Dr. Shepherd's wife," Dr. Ginsberg turns to Meredith.
"Yes, that's me, and that's what he tells me," Meredith replies, her tone nonchalant.
"I'm Dr. Ginsberg. I'll be the surgeon on your case," Dr. Ginsberg introduces herself.
"I've heard of you, I think," Meredith says. "You teach at Hopkins, right? Weren't you published? I know I know your name…"
"You may remember me as the neurosurgeon who was able to revive a patient who'd been in a coma for seventeen years," Dr. Ginsberg smiles slightly as she professes her most well-known accomplishment, the one that has gained her a world-class neurosurgeon reputation. Derek bites his tongue, deciding to withhold his own accomplishments, including the patient he and Meredith had woken after he'd been misdiagnosed as comatose, and had in fact been minimally conscious for twenty years. He'd died shortly after waking, unfortunately.
"So you're a big deal, then?" Meredith smirks.
"You can say that," Dr. Ginsberg nods, turning to Derek. "Dr. Shepherd, would you mind if I had a word with you alone?"
Derek gulps. "Of course."
She leads him outside, where she drills him with questions about Meredith, including if and when he'd noticed her behavior changing. It's difficult for him to pinpoint an exact time, since they'd been arguing on and off for now for nearly a year, since he was contacted by the president. He tells Dr. Ginsberg that; and he confesses that Meredith has every right to be upset. He decides that her behavior really seemed to alter notably after he'd made the decision to remain in Seattle, for her and the kids. That's when she started to act irrational, when she started to withdraw from him, and she acted like she wanted nothing to do with him.
Ginsberg says she's going to order another Head CT, to make sure the tumor hasn't grown, then, if all goes well, she wants to schedule the surgery as soon as possible, since she needs to be back at Hopkins by tomorrow morning.
Derek swallows, giving Ginsberg permission to do what she needs to do.
He's instructed to stay back and allow her to do her job, which he hates, but he knows it's what he'd tell any patient's husband in his situation, especially a fellow neurosurgeon's. Dr. Ginsberg orders a nurse in passing to prep Meredith for CT. The nurse doesn't argue, seeming to know that Ginsberg isn't someone she wants to argue with.
Before she goes, he takes her hand.
"You're going to be okay," he says, holding back tears.
Her eyes are misty. She nods. "I hope so," she whispers. "Because it would suck," she pauses, swallowing. "It would suck to wake up to this amazing life and then for it to be gone in the blink of an eye."
His eyes well with tears, and he smiles. "I love you," he says, not expecting anything in return.
She smiles, though, clearly taking his words in, and she sighs deeply. "I...I think I might love you, too."
His heart swells. It's more than he ever expected to hear her say, but it's what he needed to hear because he knows now that somewhere, beneath all the yelling and baggage, that their connection is still there.
He's fallen in love with her all over again.
He watches as nurse wheels Meredith away from him, and he manages his way to the waiting room, and he waits.
Amelia joins him a while later, and she has a look of knowing on her face.
"You've spoken to Ginsberg, haven't you?" he interrogates his little sister.
Amelia nods. "Meredith's tumor hasn't grown since yesterday. Ginsberg is prepping her for surgery now."
"Can I…" He starts to stand, but Amelia puts a firm hold on his shoulder.
"No, Derek. I'm under strict orders to keep you away," Amelia says firmly. "I know you want to be there for her, but you can't, not now. You need to trust Ginsberg. She's confident she can resect the entire tumor. Meredith will be fine."
"There are so many risks involved, though," he shakes his head, his face falling into his sweaty palms.
"Now's one of those times you wish you weren't a neurosurgeon, huh?" Amelia sits beside him, wrapping her arm around his back. "It's going to be okay, big brother. You just have to tell yourself that."
Derek sighs, sitting back up straight, turning his head toward his little sister. "When you did become so wise?"
Amelia shrugs. "Going through Hell and back makes you wise, Derek."
"I guess so," he agrees, taking a moment to observe his sister. She looks older. It's apparent she's no longer the five-year-old kid that he'd held firmly in the back of their father's store. She's no longer the squirrely teenager who called him, drunk and high, begging him to come pick her up and not tell Mom.
Nor is she the same person who later stole his prescription pads and overdosed, whom he'd resuscitated.
She's a woman now, but she's not just any woman. Dr. Amelia Shepherd is a neurosurgeon, just like him, and she knows exactly how he's feeling right now, because she has the same thoughts running through her head. Meredith might not be her spouse, but she know that Meredith is the love of his life, and Amelia loves him, and he can tell she's equally as scared.
Amelia pats his knee, and they sit in quiet as people flurry in and out of the waiting room. And they wait.
He steals a glance at the clock every twenty or so seconds. He can't help himself. Whose idea was it to install clocks in waiting rooms, anyway? He's pretty sure it just makes time go slower. Then again, clocks aren't really necessary now that people have cell phones. He pulls his phone out of his pocket, only to realize it's dead, and he's left his phone charger in Washington DC.
"You can use mine," Amelia offers, looking over his shoulder, appearing to be reading his mind. She's good at reading his mind.
He puts his phone back in his pocket. "It's okay. The only person I want to hear from right now is in surgery," he shakes his head dismally. He exchanges a grim look with Amelia.
"You know," she says, her voice slow. "When it's your last day, what will you want? What will matter? Will you hug your awards and accomplishments? Will you review all your published material? Are you going to admire all the money you have in the bank?" He raises an eyebrow at her. "Of course you won't," Amelia answers for him. "What will matter are the people in your life - you'll want to be surrounded by your family. It's the people who will matter then, so shouldn't it be the people who matter now?"
His heart clenches, and he feels a tear shedding down his cheek. His elbows dig into his legs, his hands pull the skin on his face.
"I'm her pain," he whispers. "Her brain wiped away her recent pain, and that pains stems all from me, and that's why she couldn't remember me. She remembered sleeping with someone, because sex was always her escape. It was an escape for her until she met me and fell in love, and I kept hurting her over and over again." Tears blubber out of his eyes. "I don't want to hurt her anymore, Amy. She'd been through enough before I ever came along. I'm not supposed to be her pain; I'm supposed to be her happiness."
"Then be her happiness." She pats his knee. "Come home, Derek."
"What if she doesn't want me? What if she wakes up and doesn't want me?" he whispers. Maybe it wasn't the tumor, he thinks, maybe she genuinely fell out of love with him.
"Derek, she loves you," Amelia says. "Meredith's not always the best at expressing her feelings, but I personally have never doubted her love for you. I'd have words to say about it if I had. You're my brother, and I wouldn't allow you to stay with a woman who didn't love you."
"I don't want to watch my kids grow up over a computer screen. It's a horrible way to watch your kids grow. You know, I visited Mom a few weeks ago?"
"Yeah, what'd she say?" Amelia's curiosity is sparked.
He scoffs. "She told me I needed to get my life together before it was too late. I'm afraid it's too late…"
Amelia's eyes widen. She looks ahead. He lifts his head, seeing that Dr. Ginsberg is standing before them, smiling.
"Meredith's out of surgery, on her way to recovery. I anticipate she should wake in a few hours," Dr. Ginsberg informs.
"She's okay? The surgery went well?" Derek asks, feeling a sense of impending relief falling over his body.
"Surgery went well. I was able to remove the whole tumor. Of course, we won't know the state of her memory until she wakes."
He exhales sharply, standing up abruptly. "I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to hug you right now." He extends his arms before Dr. Ginsberg can respond, embracing her into a hug filled with elation.
"Uh, you're welcome. You can visit Meredith now, if you'd like," Dr. Ginsberg is able to cough out in the midst of Derek's tight hug.
Meredith is alive. She made it through surgery. The worst is over; now he just needs to wait.
More waiting.
She looks at peace when he enters her room, a turban wrapped around her bald head. He misses her long, beautiful wavy hair, but he knows in time it'll grow back.
He sits in the bed beside her, and takes her hand, which is resting peacefully beside her body. He takes her hand to his mouth, kisses it softly, and closes his eyes. Somewhere along the line, sleep tugs at him, pulling him away from consciousness.
"Derek?" A familiar voice speaking his name abruptly wakes him from his sleep. "What are you doing here?" Her voice is strong and alert. When he opens his eyes, he's met with hers staring sternly back at him.
"Meredith, you're awake," he proclaims the obvious, grateful to see her beautiful blue-green eyes opened wide and looking at him. He immediately thinks back to what Amelia said in the waiting room, the truth behind her words making him an emotional mess.
"If it's the people who matter then, shouldn't it be the people who matter now?"
"Why aren't you in DC?" she blurts out. She remembers. Her tone isn't harsh, not like it'd been with him the past several months, but she sounds confused.
"What's the last thing you remember?" he asks.
She blinks. "I, uh...I was driving to work," she starts slowly, "and there was an accident. A little girl and her mom...the girl's name was Gloria. I was giving her instructions on how to call 911. Are they okay? Are Gloria and her mom okay?"
"I haven't heard," Derek admits. "I'll find out for you. How are you feeling?" He can't help but grin ear to ear, even if Meredith doesn't remember their night together. It's the small price to pay to have her memories back, including the bad ones. Their life together isn't something he wants her to ever forget; they have more good memories together than bad, even if the bad seem to overshadow the good at times.
"I have a migraine, but otherwise I think I'm okay," she winces. He smiles, knowing a migraine at this stage in the game is perfectly normal. "You came back because I was in an accident. I hope I didn't get you in trouble at work." She frowns, looking genuinely worried.
"Don't worry about it, Mere," he says, entwining their fingers together. "I'm not going back. I'm staying here."
"What?" she looks surprised. "I thought DC was everything."
"It's not," he responds quickly. "I thought it was, but it's not. You are everything. You, Zola, and Bailey. Our dream house. Our tumor on the wall. Our post-it note. My life is here, Meredith. My life is where you are, and I'm not going to miss another minute of it. When I'm 110 years old, I'm not going to give a crap about the president. He's not going to be there holding my hand as I breathe my final breaths. You are, though, at least I hope you will be."
Her eyes fill with tears. "Derek," she whispers his name. She smiles, a smile so bright that makes him feel as if he's seeing rays of sunlight for the first time in months. "I love you," she says, and his heart erupts.
She speaks those three little words with vibrant passion, from the bottom of her heart, and he knows she means them. He leans over her body, and he presses his lips against hers.
He's never going to blink again.
Trust me, Friend, a hundred years goes faster than you think
So don't blink
A/N: That's it. The end. Thank you for reading, reviewing, favoriting, and following. If you are reading this, please take a brief moment to review, if you could. I love receiving feedback. This story is based off one of my favorite songs, Don't Blink by Kenny Chesney, and I think it has such a strong meaning. Amelia's little speech was an afterthought; I saw something on Twitter the other day that made me think strongly of Derek in this story, and it's really a testament to life in general. At the end of the day, who cares about the trophies? They're not going to be hugging you as you breathe your final breath. Derek may have had a similar realization on the show, but it definitely shouldn't have taken kissing another woman to realize he wanted Meredith. However, I also don't think Meredith should have to almost die for him to realize she's the love of his life, either.
That said, I also I don't condone Meredith's behavior in the final Grey's season (season 12 and on is irrelevant to me). I thought she was extremely bitter and harsh toward Derek, which is why I came up with the brain tumor idea. Show Meredith is no longer the Meredith I used to love, so I needed a reasonable excuse for her behavior, and thus this story was born.
So, there you have it. I've fixed Mer-Der. :) Now they can live happily ever after, and Derek can die in Meredith's arms when he's 110.
To readers of my other stories, my fanfic commitments currently lie with finishing Blood Ties and Survivor. Also, Irene and I will be writing the Storm trilogy for a long time to come, so if you haven't checked it out yet, please do. You can find the links on her page (CileSuns92).