Two Kids Without Their Jackets

by my-other-ride-is-your-mum

"Santana knows she's the wrong type. She's known it for as long as she can remember because that's what she's been told her whole life. But the thing Santana knows most of all is that she's never going to get out of this town." AU high school Brittana/angsty romance Ch 1-5, lengthy oneshots Ch 6-10.

8. Chapter 8

A/N: Thanks for your reviews and alerts and all that, especially to the peeps asking questions on tumblr…you really helped develop this chapter and gave me motivation when I'd really lost it :) I love talking to you guys about it.

Also, everything I know about American universities and med-school and all that is from television so…I'm just saying it's not impossible that there are wild inaccuracies in here but it is entirely possible that I don't really care :)

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Santana Lopez feels like a New Yorker.

She heard somewhere that people say you have to live in the city for ten years before you're a real New Yorker, but that's bullshit. After being here for almost three years she feels like she's always been a New Yorker at heart.

She loves that the city is full of people that have all come from somewhere else, maybe someplace they didn't fit in or their dreams were too small for, and they've left their past behind and now they're here in New York being the people they want to be. She loves that no one in New York knows about Lima or her parents or who she used to be. She knows that it's futile to ignore those things, they're a part of her and always will be, but they don't define her like they did in Lima. It's incredibly freeing. A second chance to be who she wants to be, which was something she never thought she'd get when she grew up thinking that she'd be a Lima loser forever.

(It helps that her smart-mouth no nonsense attitude isn't at all out of place in New York. She feels like this is where she belongs because she can yell at someone in the street for being rude or bumping into her no one bats an eyelid. On several occasions she's even been encouraged.)

She's found that a lot of the clichés about New York are true. She loves living in a city that is always open, always awake and always available. It's not always friendly, but neither is Santana. And after coming from a place like Lima Heights which always felt so small and limiting it's kind of humbling to see the world moving around you, to feel your own tiny place in the world, all the endless possibilities.

(Brittany loves New York just as much as Santana does, but in different ways. The blonde is much better at seeing the beauty in things than Santana is, at finding joy in the absurd or seemingly insignificant and helping Santana to feel it too. To Brittany every stranger is a friend she hasn't met yet, which scares the shit out of Santana considering they're living in New York, but she also knows that Brittany is far from stupid, especially when it comes to people. The blonde feels the creative energy in the city, the art and fashion and music and dance and literature, and loves it.)

The restaurants and the museums and the theatres and the parks and the nightlife and culture are fucking awesome, but without a doubt the best part of New York is enjoying all those things with the girl she loves.

Living in New York wouldn't be anywhere near as fun or adventurous or exciting without Brittany. Santana feels like she gets to discover the city twice, once through her own eyes and once through Brittany's, with her unique way of seeing things that Santana finds absolutely enchanting.

They spend entire afternoons at the Natural History Museum or go out to the Bronx Zoo because they're Brittany's favourite places to go no matter how many times they've been there, and the blonde can somehow tell Santana additional facts about all the animals or planets or dinosaurs.

(But sometimes she makes them up just to mess with Santana who ends up double-checking them on her phone now instead of repeating them in front of other people who look at her like she's an idiot. Not that that's ever happened to her before or anything.)

They did all the tourist things when they first got to New York of course – kissing at the top of the Empire State Building, climbing the stairs at Times Square, skating at Rockefeller Centre, picnicking in Central Park – but over the years they've been venturing out and exploring the city, finding new favourite places to eat, new stores to discover, new museums and galleries to explore and new bars to relax in.

Moving in together was a whole different adventure. With Brittany's parents and April generously contributing, they were able to find a cosy, (codeword for small), apartment downtown. It wasn't grand by any stretch of the imagination, but it felt like home as soon as Santana saw Brittany standing in the middle of it, rocking on the balls of her feet with a beaming smile on her face pleading for Santana to like it. Truth be told Santana would move into a shack in the middle of a desert if Brittany wanted to live there.

(But thank God she doesn't.)

People warned her that living together is an adjustment, that it might not work, that it might test their relationship, but nothing could be farther from the truth. Santana can't imagine her life any other way – even their differences make it kind of great.

Brittany is a morning person and Santana's not, but Santana doesn't mind so much when Brittany wakes her up with kisses, especially in certain places. Santana likes dark moody colours while Brittany is more about the bright and vibrant, so when it came to picking out colours for the apartment they compromised and went with charcoal and lime green, which worked surprisingly well in Santana's opinion. Neither of them could really cook all too well, but Brittany decided that since they were all shacked up now they should learn to cook, so each week they choose a recipe and buy the ingredients and then do their best. Santana can actually make a pretty great spaghetti bolognaise, while Brittany is still confused by recipes sometimes, but she's an excellent assistant. Brittany leaves almost empty milk cartons in the fridge and forgets to put it on the shopping list which is endlessly infuriating but Santana has almost broken her of that habit. Santana hates doing the dishes but Brittany hates it a little bit less so she does it most of the time. Brittany wanted to get a cat but Santana had never had a pet before and thought they should start small, so they're now the proud parents of a goldfish named David Hasselhoff. Santana likes the quiet while Brittany always wants noise around her, so they compromise and sometimes Santana catches her girlfriend's cute little butt dancing around while cleaning the bathroom with her ipod in her ears and she wishes she could hear the music too.

Everything in her life is made better by having Brittany share it.

And sure, sometimes it's shit if they've had an argument or disagreement and they have to be in the same space, but those are few and far between, and after years together they've gotten good at knowing when the other needs some space.

Santana loves the simple fact of going to sleep with Brittany and waking up with her every day, and when she closes her eyes and thinks about what she wants her future to look like it looks pretty similar to this.

(With a bigger apartment obviously, no doubt the cat and dog and whatever other animal her wife will want, and probably with a couple of tiny humans thrown in there too.)

Yes, Santana loves living in New York and she loves living with her girlfriend…the problem is that at the moment, actually for the last few months at least, she hasn't really been able to see all that much of said girlfriend.

Busy does not do justice to the way Santana feels at the moment. Overwhelmed, inundated, overworked, exhausted – they also don't come close, but they're in the ballpark. Not only does she have an incredibly busy academic year, but she was also handpicked by one of her professors to work on an important research paper.

(An opportunity she couldn't possibly turn down – only two students were chosen and her name will be published and it will do a lot to help her get into med-school and impress the shit out of people).

The problem is that it's eating into almost all of her free time.

And with Brittany's heavier academic load this year she's in the library or with her study group a hell of a lot, so even when Santana does have time free Brittany often doesn't.

(Brittany's still taking dance classes as well, and Santana hates that she doesn't have time anymore to just watch her dance, because she's pretty sure that's how she first fell in love with her.)

Santana's barely working at the bookstore anymore, doing a couple of shifts a month just to stay on the roster and because she feels like she needs to contribute since Brittany's parents and April are being so generous. She's trying to maintain the new friendships she's made in New York while also making time to call and catch up with Anita and Puck back home, and hear all about Quinn's adventures studying abroad in Melbourne which seem to have very little to do with much actual study.

She's been so fucking busy lately, which is why she's so looking forward to the date night Brittany planned for them. It's kind of ridiculous that they have to even schedule date nights like this, especially since they used to have a lot more free time and would spontaneously decide to go out to Brooklyn for the pizza that Brittany really likes, or grab some sandwiches and sit in the sun in Battery Park watching the ferries or just cuddle on the couch watching sweet valley high DVDs, but as long as Santana gets to spend some time with her girl she doesn't care who has to plan it.

So sure, it kind of really fucking sucks that she barely has any time to spend with her girlfriend, but they have a plan, an idea of what they want their futures to look like, and Santana just has to grit her teeth and get through this crappy part.

Which is exactly how she feels about this afternoon as she's stuck in a lab with Eloise, the other lucky student assigned to the 'research paper of doom' as they have dubbed it. Although thank fuck for Eloise, because Santana doesn't think she'd be able to get through this without her.

"Ugh, I just need this afternoon to be over with," Santana whines as she drops her pencil onto her notebook and takes off her glasses to rub her eyes, her brain exhausted with looking at formulas and codes. She just wants to be looking at her amazing girlfriend while said amazing girlfriend tells her about her day and makes Santana smile and feel warm inside and it has nothing at all to do with science.

The girl beside her scoffs, feigning offense. "Glad to see you value my company so highly."

"I don't need any more of your company, Eloise. I see more of you than my girlfriend. My brilliant and sexy girlfriend who I rarely get to spend sexy time with because I'm always stuck in this hole with you."

Eloise scrunches her nose. "See that, that's an overshare, we talked about this."

"You love it."

Even though they'd shared some classes and were kind of friendly Santana didn't know Eloise all that well before they started working together. It could have been a fucking disaster because they need to spend so much time together, but Eloise is super fucking awesome and incredibly smart, so she's kind of Santana's dream study buddy. It doesn't hurt that she's sarcastic as fuck and they share a lot of the same interests and a similar background. In the last four or five months they've been practically attached at the hip working on the paper and Eloise has become one of her closest friends, making these endless hours in the lab or library bearable.

Santana feels her phone vibrate in her pocket as the opening chords of Alone by Heart ring out into the room, startling both her and Eloise and a little.

Eloise gives her a look and Santana rolls her eyes.

"April assigned it to her number. It's her karaoke song. Now get back to your work and stop being so obsessed with me, you creep."

She doesn't wait for the sarcastic response she knows is coming, swiveling around in her chair and answering the call.

"Hey April."

"Santana Banana! How's my little poptart?"

"I'm good. Busy, but –"

"Now hold that thought snickerdoodle because you can tell me all about your fabulous city slicker life tonight when I take you and B-Bear out to dinner!"

"Wha –"

"I'm in New York! Surprise!"

Santana's eyebrows rise, a dozen questions all fighting their way out of her mouth. "You're in New York? When did you get here? Where –"

"Questions I'll answer tonight after I pick you and your special snowflake up for dinner. No excuses I'll see you at seven. Love you. Bye!"

Santana hears the beep of the phone call ending but doesn't move for a moment, still processing what just happened.

"Fuck."

-x-

"Hey baby, you coming home soon?"

Hearing Brittany's voice through her phone has an instantly soothing effect on Santana, even though she knows that in a few seconds her girlfriend won't be sounding so cheery.

"Hey Britt. That's actually why I'm calling –"

"San please don't tell me you have to stay late again."

Santana exhales, feeling a twinge of guilt in her gut. She knows that their busy schedules are taking a toll on Brittany as well. Her girlfriend was really looking forward to their date night.

"No babe, it's not that. April called and she's in town and wants to take us to dinner tonight."

"San, we have plans."

Santana hears the edge in Brittany's voice and scrunches her eyes closed tight, wishing that this didn't have to be such a big deal. But it is a big deal and she knows Brittany has good reason to be annoyed. She just feels like she's stuck between a rock and a fucking boulder right now like that hiker guy, and she really doesn't want to have to cut something off.

"I'm sorry Britt, you know what she's like when she wants something. She steamrolled me."

"You can say no to her. She's not going to give you back."

Santana furrows her brow. That one stings a little, especially coming from Brittany. She's not used to these little squabbles between them and feels like they throw off the natural order of her world, although they do seem to be happening more frequently.

Brittany exhales loudly and Santana knows she regrets her words.

"I'm sorry, San. That wasn't nice. I was just really looking forward to spending some time with you. Alone."

Santana feels guilty, even though it's not really her fault. This isn't the first time she's had to break their plans though, and most of those other times were her fault.

"I know, baby. Me too. And we will. I promise. You know how seriously I take my promises to you. I'd rather sleep with Hobo Freddie at our subway stop than break my promise."

They share a silent moment on the phone together and even though Santana can't see her girlfriend's face she knows that Brittany is disappointed but trying to smile and be hopeful, and it just makes the brunette love her even more.

She hears Eloise calling to her from over the other side of the room, interrupting the quiet moment.

"Was that Eloise?"

Santana looks back at her friend who seems to be furiously hitting the keyboard of her laptop and laughs. "Yeah, she can't leave me alone for one minute as usual. Lucky she's so fucking smart otherwise she'd be good for nothing."

"Right. Well, I guess I'll see you when you get home. I love you."

The words still make Santana melt, even after hearing them millions of times. "Love you too, baby."

"Love you too baby," she hears Eloise mimicking her after she's ended the call, turning to find the girl smirking.

"Hey, don't make fun of me just because you can't find a man that wants you."

"Wow, you cut me deep, San. Why are we even friends?"

"We've bonded in captivity."

"That explains it."

.

Later that night, full of food and wine and with smiles on their faces and heads a little fuzzy they fall into bed, Brittany snuggling into Santana's side as usual.

"I was going to take you out dancing," she says softly, hand slipping under Santana's top and stroking the warm skin of her stomach.

Santana hums in encouragement, running her own hand up and down Brittany's strong back.

Her girlfriend tilts her head to look up at her, kissing her softly.

"I was going to dance with you and make you crazy for me all night, and then take you back home and have my wicked way with you. It's been too long."

"Five days is certainly far too long," Santana agrees, sliding her hand down to grab at one of her girlfriend's ass cheeks, pulling her closer. "But we can still do that last part of your plan."

.

Two hours later they collapse into a panting and sweaty mess of tangled limbs. Santana knows that she's going to be exhausted tomorrow but she really couldn't care less. Not when she gets to do what they just did.

"Hey Britt?"

The other girl groans against Santana's chest in acknowledgement, still recovering. Santana gently brushes some of her blonde hair aside so she can see the dopey satisfied smile on Brittany's face.

"Watching you dance all night would have been sexy as hell, but you make me crazy all the time, just by being you. When I hear your voice or see your smile or the cute frown you get when you're concentrating or even when I'm stuck in that dungeon of a lab and I just think about the way your hand feels in mine or the way you always put my cutlery and glass on the left side instead of the right because you know it's annoyed me my whole life. You make me crazy for you every second of every day. I always want you. I hope you know that."

Brittany doesn't answer, at least not with words, pulling herself up to smash their lips together again while her hand makes its way down to press between Santana's legs.

Santana knows she'll be getting no sleep tonight and she's fine with that. They do have five days to catch up on after all.

-x-

The next weekend she's at a friend's apartment for a birthday party when she runs into someone she never thought she'd ever fucking see again.

Actually, it's her voice that Santana hears first. She'd know that voice anywhere.

Rachel fucking Berry.

"Santana Lopez?"

Rachel is coming towards her and Santana glances around pathetically, looking for a plant or chair or stoned person to hide behind but it's no use, Rachel has her in her sights, big fucking beaming smile on her face.

She looks almost exactly the same as Santana remembers from the last time she saw her the summer after high school. She still has the blunt bangs and the sweater set and the annoyingly smug smile that Santana hoped she'd never see again. She has no idea what Rachel did after high school and she has no idea how they've ended up at the same party in New York City.

She really wishes Brittany would come back from the bathroom already and save her. She's not nearly drunk enough for this shit.

Rachel finally approaches her and Santana can't muster the grace to even smile at the other girl. Rachel is almost the personification of all the pain and trouble and bullshit she left behind in Lima, and she doesn't want to revisit any of that in this city that she's come to call home.

"Santana Lopez, what a wonderful surprise."

"Is it?"

Rachel takes her attitude in her stride, smile never wavering.

"It truly is one of the things I love most about New York, always running into people you know."

"We don't know each other Berry."

Santana crosses her arms over her chest not willing to give an inch and watches as Rachel takes a deep breath, looking determined.

"Actually Santana I'm glad I–"

"Hey babe."

The words don't match the voice that Santana has come to know so well and before she knows it there is a possessive arm around her shoulders and another hand on her stomach, followed by a kiss on her cheek that manages to catch the corner of her mouth.

What the fuck.

She turns her head ready to ask Eloise exactly what the fuck she's doing but her friend just winks at her and gestures with her head slightly in Rachel's direction.

Eloise obviously thinks she's saving Santana from getting hit on by Rachel, which…disgusting. The mere thought of it makes Santana want to gag. She looks up to find the brunette looking a little shocked before plastering on a smile again, and she's about to explain the situation but Rachel cuts her off.

"This must be your girlfriend," she questions enthusiastically, and Santana can just feel that Berry is overcompensating with cheeriness.

"Actually no."

All three heads turn to the source of the voice to the side and find Brittany standing there taking in the scene before her. She looks pretty fucking annoyed, blue eyes flicking from Rachel across to Eloise with her arms still around Santana.

"Brittany! It's good to see you," Rachel says turning to the blonde to greet her.

Brittany still isn't looking too pleased and she greets Rachel frostily, eyes darting back to Santana.

Santana is still standing stiffly with Eloise's arms around her but her friend quickly drops them, stepping to the side when Brittany takes her place next to Santana and rests a hand on her lower back.

"Sorry, I thought you were hitting on San and I was doing her a solid. My bad."

Santana has to shake her head and smile because Eloise is an idiot who should know that she knows how to handle herself. Although that still leaves them in a pretty awkward situation thanks to Berry standing there pretending they're old friends. Santana's not going to let that shit fly.

"Eloise this is Rachel Berry, one of the people determined to make my life a living hell growing up in Lima. She even tried to tell Brittany not to date me because I'm trash."

Eloise is visibly shocked by the blunt introduction even though she's heard about the girl, while Rachel looks suitably embarrassed, mouth sputtering open in shock. Santana's a little surprised by the reaction. She remembers Berry being rather proud of her efforts when they were younger. Maybe it's because she doesn't have Lurch and Trouty here to back her up.

She is still as annoyingly persistent as Santana remembers though, and she watches the other girl compose herself and put her game face on again.

"Actually Santana I'm glad I ran into you after all these years. I was hoping for–"

"I don't give a fuck what you were hoping for Berry because whatever the fuck it was you're not going to get it." Santana doesn't give the girl any chance to reply this time, grabbing Brittany's hand and leading them out of that room and then out of the apartment altogether.

She needs some air. She feels bad for leaving her friend with the troll but Eloise grew up in the Bronx and knows how to slap a bitch.

She's fucking fuming, seeing that little hobbit is bringing up feelings that she hasn't felt in years, and she walks quickly down the sidewalk until Brittany stops and pulls her back by their joined hands.

"Do you want to talk about what just happened?"

"Does it look like I wanna fucking talk about it?" Santana snaps.

She watches as Brittany's face falls and she instantly feels like shit for yelling at her. It's not fair to take her anger out on Brittany just because she's the one there.

"Fuck, I'm so sorry, baby."

She steps right up close to her girlfriend so that they're pressing against each other, cupping Brittany's cheek with her free hand and brushing their noses together.

Brittany nods and just has this understanding look on her face that makes Santana want to punch herself in the face. It's times like these that she firmly believes that Brittany is still way too good for her. She's nowhere near as angry as she used to be but sometimes it still flares up, sometimes she still loses her mind and says stupid things she doesn't mean, she just wishes it didn't happen around Brittany.

She leans forward to close the small gap between them and presses a lingering kiss to Brittany's lips.

"I don't want to talk about the hobbit or even acknowledge her existence. Can we please just go home so I can keep apologising with massages and foot rubs and kisses and orgasms?"

Brittany searches her eyes for a second before she smiles and Santana knows that smile, it's the, it's okay for now but we'll talk about this later smile, and honestly she's okay with that as long as Brittany's smiling.

-x-

"You should just fucking talk to her and see what she wants to say to you," Eloise mumbles around the pencil in her mouth, eyes glued to her laptop screen.

Santana rolls her eyes and presses the ignore button on her phone again. "You sound like Brittany. She's been saying the same thing all week."

"Well then your girlfriend is as brilliant as me."

Santana barks out a fake laugh. "You wish. She's much smarter than you."

Eloise smirks and watches as Santana's phone beeps with another voicemail from one Rachel Berry.

"God, that girl is persistent. How did she even get your number?"

"Apparently we have a mutual friend. A mutual friend I'm going to punch in the face when I find out who it was." Santana raises an eyebrow at the other girl. "It wasn't you was it?"

"Negative. I only give out your number when creepy guys hit on me. Or when I'm defacing bathroom stalls."

"Fuck you."

"Only in your dreams, Lopez."

Santana shakes her head, takes off her glasses and leans back in her chair. Thank fuck for Eloise being able to make her laugh. They've been studying all afternoon and she's been ignoring Rachel's calls and all she wants to do is blow off some steam and have some fun, preferably with Brittany but she has a dance class tonight. She could take the train uptown to watch Britt's class like she used to but honestly she's not in the mood to sit there silently for a couple of hours. She wants loud and busy.

So she turns to the next best thing.

"You wanna go get drunk or something? I've been using my brain way too much today and I need to go do something stupid."

Eloise just grins.

-x-

Santana feels a nudge to her shoulder and rolls over, knowing that sometimes she's all over Brittany when she sleeps and her girlfriend occasionally pushes her off her. She snuggles into her pillow, willing herself to fall back asleep instead of waking up like her body seems to want to do.

Not that she actually has any choice in the matter when she hears her name being called…and not by her girlfriend. That realisation wakes her up a hell of a lot faster, opening her eyes and blinking furiously as they adjust to the light and stop stinging.

The first thing she sees is Eloise standing above her in an undershirt and underwear and it makes her even more confused about where the fuck she is. She doesn't really have time to ponder if though, Eloise shoving her phone in her face and telling her that it's Brittany.

Santana grabs the phone with one hand while she rubs her face with the other, eyes following Eloise out of the room and then sweeping across it, realising that she's in her friend's bed. It's a little weird considering rarely been in this room before, but it's no biggie.

She coughs to clear her throat before bringing the phone to her ear.

"Britt?"

"Hey San, I hadn't heard from you since your text last night so I just wanted to make sure you're alright."

Her voice is light but Santana knows her girlfriend well enough to detect the worry.

"I'm fine, baby. Just a little hungover." She scrunches her eyes shut as a stabbing pain makes itself felt behind her eyes. "Or a lot hungover."

The events of the previous night come back to her quickly then; the drinks at their local bar, even more drinks at the karaoke bar they went to because the local was pretty dead, playing wingman for Eloise even though the idiot didn't show any interest in any of the (relatively) fine men Santana found for her, dancing to cheesy 80s pop songs and belting out Whitney Houston. She's not exactly sure how they got to Eloise's place but she remembers texting Brittany about staying there and that's about it.

"What time is it anyway?" she asks, looking around the room for a clock but coming up empty.

"It's midday, San."

"Shit. I literally just woke up."

"Eloise told me you were still asleep in her room. Is that why she answered your phone?"

Santana runs a hand through her hair and then adjusts her singlet top so that it's not pulled quite so low across her boobs. "I have no idea. She probably saw that it was you and answered it because she's a genius and knows I always want to talk to you, even when I'm asleep."

Brittany clicks her tongue and Santana can tell she's amused. "Charmer. You guys have fun last night?"

"Yeah," Santana replies as she stands from the bed and stretches out her free arm and her legs, the bunched up leg of pyjama pants that aren't hers rolling down. "We drank far too much and danced. I karaoked the shit out of Whitney and Eloise totally struck out as usual despite my best wingman efforts. I missed you though."

"You guys went dancing?"

Despite her tone still being light the humour is gone from Brittany's voice and Santana's not sure why.

"Well it wasn't dancing dancing," she tries to clarify. "We were at that karaoke bar we went to for Christian's birthday a few months ago, but there was some booty shaking involved."

Santana hears footsteps approaching and turns to see Eloise walking towards her with a steaming cup of coffee in her hand.

"Oh my god I love you," she mutters out, taking the offered mug and sipping it not at all quietly.

"San?" Brittany brings her back to the conversation.

"Sorry Britt. Eloise just brought me coffee. You know what I'm like in the morning with my coffee."

"Right."

Santana can feel the tension even through the phone and they share an unusually awkward silence, before Brittany finally speaks.

"So I guess I'll see you when you get home?

Santana's fuzzy brain is no match for figuring out what's going on, so she just nods. "Yeah. I'm just going to finish this coffee, find my clothes and come straight home. I love you and I'll see you soon."

.

Whatever had Brittany in an odd mood on the phone seems to have passed by the time Santana finally schleps back into their apartment half an hour later. Even though she briefly saw her yesterday morning she feels like she hasn't seen her girlfriend in days and there's a dull ache in her chest that only eases once her arms are around Brittany.

But the euphoria only lasts until Brittany smacks her ass and tells her that she stinks of booze and needs to take a shower. Santana lifts an eyebrow and invites Brittany to join her but she's already had her shower and wants to finish cleaning the kitchen, so Santana has to settle for grumbling about no sexy-shower time.

They settle for cuddling on the couch with a movie that is mostly ignored while they catch up on their days yesterday.

"So I think I'm going to talk to Rachel and see what she wants," Santana admits softly, trailing her hand gently through soft blonde hair and recalling what she can of the conversation about Rachel that she and Eloise had continued at the bar.

"You changed your mind?" Brittany mumbles, clearly on the verge of falling asleep with her head in the brunette's lap.

"Yeah," Santana shrugs. "Eloise and I were talking about it last night and I agreed that it would be easier to get it over and done with to stop her stalking me. I really don't want to change my phone number and I think she knows where we live anyway. She's gone all single white female and I don't want her breaking in here and hiding in our closet or something."

Santana winces at the thought that is becoming a real fear with every voicemail from the persistent hobbit. She may not have seen Rachel in a few years but it seems she's still the determined little upstart she's always been.

Brittany sits up, a frown on her face. "So you listen when Eloise says it but not when I do?"

Santana does a double take at the edge in Brittany's tone, the same one from when they were on the phone earlier.

"Huh?"

Brittany sits up fully now and Santana doesn't like the space between them, their bodies no longer touching at all. It feels a lot more symbolic than she wants it to.

"This whole time I've been suggesting you meet with Rachel and you didn't want to but then you talk to Eloise about it and suddenly you want to?"

"No Britt, that's not what I meant." Santana reaches her hand out to her girlfriend's thigh, just as much to comfort herself as Brittany, shaking her head. "I told Eloise what you'd said and she agreed and then I agreed. That's all. Of course I listen to you. You're the most important person in my life."

She squeezes her girlfriend's thigh and smiles, needing Brittany to believe that her words are sincere.

Okay so maybe she kind of did give the idea more credence when Eloise expressed a similar opinion, but that doesn't mean she doesn't value Brittany's advice. It's just that Brittany is a little too optimistic and hopeful sometimes. Occasionally Santana needs someone to balance that out. She used to have Quinn for that but now that that idiot is touring her vagina around half of Australia she's had to make do with Eloise.

Her words seem to soothe Brittany and the brunette watches as her girlfriend's shoulders relax, her features softening and an almost smile on her face. That's all the invitation Santana needs and she leans forward to steal a cheeky kiss, the tension leaving her own body as well. She feels like things between her and Brittany have been a little off, no doubt thanks to the lack of time they have together lately, and she doesn't want silly misunderstandings coming between them.

Brittany threading a hand through her still-damp hair and pulling Santana closer for more not-so-chaste kisses reassures her completely.

-x-

Of course Berry chooses the most obnoxiously New York coffee shop in the city to meet at, almost smack bang in the middle of Times Square. Like a seasoned New Yorker Santana actively avoids the tourist area as a general rule, but she doesn't want to let Berry in on any of her favourite spots just in case the hobbit starts showing up there randomly, so she agrees to head up to midtown.

She takes off her scarf and coat once she enters, eyes sweeping the place until they land on the short girl waving frantically at her. Santana has a flashback to all those afternoons and evenings at the restaurant that she had to wait on Berry, and that old feeling of being a Lima Loser comes back again. That tightening in her stomach when she thinks about what her life was. But that feeling is swept away just as quickly when she thinks about where she is right now, living her dream in the city of her dreams and she thinks about what she has with Brittany, the most perfect girl in the world, and holds her head high once again.

She makes her way over to the table and takes a seat, no sign of a smile on her face even though Rachel is beaming at her like Santana's her Hanukkah present or something.

"Okay Berry, you've got five minutes. Go."

Once again Rachel is undeterred by Santana's abrasiveness. It's kind of annoying.

"Well it's nice to see you Santana, thank you for meeting with me. I was here a bit early so I ordered a coffee but do you want to order something?"

Santana can't stop herself from rolling her eyes and thankfully Rachel finally gets the hint that the sugar sweet act isn't going to work.

"So I'll get right to it then," she says before taking a deep breath, suddenly looking a lot more apprehensive.

"That would be preferable."

The other girl gives a nervous smile and Santana feels an anxious flutter in her stomach, seriously considering for the first time that what Rachel wants to tell her might be bad. Possibilities race through her mind one after another, horrible thoughts about Rachel being related to her or something about Anita or maybe they finally got wise to all the food and alcohol that Santana was stealing when she worked at the restaurant or worst of all maybe Berry has been in love with her all these years or something. That last thought leaves Santana struggling not to scrunch her face up in disgust.

Her anxiety isn't helped by Rachel still sitting silently, hands fidgeting with each other on the table in front of her.

"Spit it out, Berry."

The other girl's head bobs up and she opens and closes her big mouth a few times before finally speaking.

"I wanted to apologise to you."

Well shit. Santana's eyebrows raise. That was certainly not what she was expecting.

"Huh?"

Just as Rachel is about to answer she's interrupted by a waiter with her coffee, the guy asking Santana if she wants to order something before she shoos him away impolitely so that he leaves them alone again.

"I'm sorry about the way I treated you," Rachel finally continues after another steadying breath, barely managing to hold eye contact with her. "This city has opened my eyes to a lot of things and I've been doing a lot of thinking since leaving Lima. About what happened to our friendship when we were kids and then the way we treated each other when we were teenagers. How I behaved towards you. I want to apologise and I sincerely hope you accept it."

Her voice is a little shaky like she's trying to hold back tears and Santana can't keep the shock off her face.

Of course once the shock subsides, her natural defences of scepticism and snark set in.

"Did you join a twelve step program or something, Berry?"

Rachel looks horrified.

"Of course not. I just…"

She trails off and for the first time Santana sees the genuine remorse on the other girls face and it twists something in her gut, forcing her to look away from imploring eyes. It stirs memories she'd wanted to forget. That she thought she'd buried. She sees her best friend from all those years ago, the girl she shared her nutella sandwiches with and who always let her play with the real barbie not the other barbie knock-offs she had. The girl who cried more than Santana did when Santana's dad got sick and who held her hand at his funeral. But she also sees the girl who made her feel worthless and tormented her for years.

(She also tormented Berry but that was purely reactionary. Mostly.)

It's unwanted, the rush of emotion making her legs twitch with the impulse to run. She doesn't want to deal with this. She doesn't need this.

"You know what," she waves her hand dismissively while trying to keep any emotion other than annoyance out of her voice, "whatever Berry. It's in the past and we don't need to drag this shit up."

Rachel looks deflated, rejected even, and for god knows what reason Santana feels a little guilty brushing her off like that. She can see big brown eyes glistening with tears and the last thing she wants is to sit here comforting the girl while she cries.

"Look Berry, it's fine, okay? We were both stupid kids who did and said shitty things to each other. Mostly you but sometimes me. We don't need to rehash everything with tears and hugs like some kind of afterschool special. It's in the past. We're cool."

As Santana says the words she feels the truth of them. It's in the past. A part of who she is but not all she is. And she realises with a sharp intake of breath that it's not all of who Rachel is either. The girl might still be annoying and overbearing but the Rachel she knew would never apologise like she just did. Santana considers the fact that maybe she's not the only one that's grown up. That maybe Rachel deserves to be forgiven for things just like Santana has been.

The other girl smiles hopefully and Santana once again fights the urge to roll her eyes. She's pretty sure that will never change.

"So, we can be friends?"

"You wanna be friends?"

"I think that would be wonderful."

Rachel's answer is just so painfully earnest that Santana can't bring herself to be rude and flat out reject the notion. Still, the idea that she and Rachel could embark on a friendship is a little overwhelming and pretty fucking weird.

"Why don't we just play it by ear?" she offers as diplomatically as possible, relieved when Rachel agrees and seems encouraged by the idea.

So Santana ends up ordering a coffee and Rachel another, their stilted conversation easing into something a little less awkward. Rachel explains how she's ended up in New York, (Santana is honestly shocked to find out that Rachel had dropped out of university last year to pursue a singing career – she knows the girl can sing but didn't realise it was a career ambition), recounts her dramatic though satisfying dumping of Finn Hudson, (Santana does enjoy hearing that Lurch didn't get into any colleges and was fired from his own dad's car dealership), and brings her pretty much up to speed with how they ended up bumping into each other at the party and the awkward encounter with Eloise.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure Eloise had had a few drinks by then," Santana says by way of explanation for her friend's behaviour.

Rachel smiles it off. "Well I wouldn't have been surprised if Eloise was your girlfriend. I mean you certainly have a type. I'm very glad you and Brittany are still together though."

Santana nods along, thinking about how back in the day Rachel was encouraging Brittany not to date her at all and now she's genuinely happy they're still together, but a few words catch her ear and she does a double take.

"Wait, what?"

"I said I truly am happy that you and Brittany are still together," Rachel answers, mistaking what Santana was questioning. "I know I wasn't exactly…encouraging of your relationship before but I've changed. I have two gay friends now. Well four including you and Brittany. Hopefully. I'm trying not to be presumptuous."

"No, the other thing," Santana explains somewhat impatiently. "About me having a type."

Rachel looks just as confused now. "Well I just meant that Brittany and Eloise…"

"What about them?"

"Well surely you can see the similarities?"

Santana's brow furrows. She has no idea what Rachel is talking about.

"Oh come on. Don't tell me you haven't noticed that they are both stunning, tall blondes with blue eyes?"

Santana stares at Rachel like she's talking a foreign language while the other girl sits with an amused smile on her face.

She thinks about what her friend looks like and the basics are true. Eloise has naturally blonde hair and fair skin like Brittany. She's tall too, but so are lots of people to Santana. And yeah, when Santana thinks about it she's pretty sure that her friend does have blue eyes. But she never does think about the way Eloise looks. She looks nothing like Brittany, Brittany whose hair glows and smells like summer even in the dead of winter and is soft like silk. Santana loves running her hands through it. Brittany's skin is pale but always so warm and Santana knows every inch of it, every glorious freckle. Brittany is tall, just tall enough for them to fit perfectly together when they sleep, her body a beautiful and perfect tapestry of strong muscles. And her eyes are slate blue but they change with the light or Brittany's moods, and Santana's favourite blue is the light that's reflected in them when they wake up on lazy Sunday mornings in summer, the sun beaming down from the window onto their bed.

Santana shakes her head, the idea that Eloise looks anything like Brittany is crazy to her.

"And don't forget Quinn Fabray," Rachel adds seriously, making Santana's gaze snap up to her. "I guess I just figured you have a thing for blondes."

Santana's eyes widen at that particular insinuation.

"Oh I know you're not trying to say that I hooked up with Fabray back in the day."

"Well there were certainly enough rumours about the two of you that no one was really sure," Rachel explains, not at all fazed by the edge in Santana's tone.

"Oh fucking hell," Santana says before pretending to gag. "I can't believe people thought I was into Fabray. I feel so fucking gross just talking about it."

Rachel just continues to laugh at her and it's a little annoying.

"And like Fabray would even have a chance with me anyway. Besides, I don't have a thing for blondes," Santana adds defensively, "I have a thing for Brittany."

Rachel smiles genuinely at that. "Well it sounds like you're blinded by love then."

Santana deflates a little and more or less agrees. It's not like she doesn't look at other girls. She notices them. There are a lot of beautiful girls in New York. A lot. Sometimes they even hit on her. (Brittany isn't really a jealous person but every so often she gets annoyed at girls or guys trying to chat up her girlfriend and Santana kinda enjoys it. Possessive Brittany is hot, especially when she throws her arm around Santana's waist or holds her hand to let people know Santana is taken.) But what she has with Brittany is so far beyond looks that no other girl could even compare.

Santana makes the mistake of telling Rachel that and spends the last twenty minutes before she has to go listening to Rachel swoon over their relationship and badger her with questions she dodges about marriage and babies. It's not that she doesn't want to talk about those things. She just doesn't want to talk about them with Berry.

When she gets home later that night after her shift at work she beats Brittany by a couple of minutes as she's returning from her study group. Santana makes them tea and they unwind on the couch, Brittany curling into her side. Santana tells her about her coffee date with Rachel and its surprising results, the blonde not even pretending to hide her smug smile. Santana prefers to wipe it off with some kisses. Kisses which she hopes will lead to more. Kisses which are frustratingly interrupted by Santana's ringtone and the vibrating in her pocket. Brittany giggles and reaches between them for the phone, answering it without even checking who it is.

"Miss Lopez's phone," she says most professionally, eyes locked with Santana. "I'm afraid she's busy but you can leave a message if you'd like."

Santana smiles at her goofy girlfriend, not at all fazed by Brittany answering her phone as she does sometimes, but watches Brittany's smile fall slightly when she listens to the caller.

"That was Eloise," Brittany tells her once she's ended the call, the mirth gone from her voice. "She didn't say why she called just that she'll talk to you tomorrow. I guess she wasn't expecting me to answer."

Santana nods, taking in Brittany's almost disinterested tone. She knows that her girlfriend and her new best friend aren't exactly chummy, she doesn't know why exactly but it hasn't been a big deal so far. The three of them are usually so busy that it's not like Brittany and Eloise have had a lot of time to hang out and get to know each other. Santana is sure that they would become friends if they did.

"She probably just forgot something for tomorrow," Santana says, attempting to make light of it all. "I've never met someone so smart who is so forgetful."

She doesn't want to think about Eloise right now though, not when she could be doing something much more fun with her girlfriend.

"Now where were we?" she asks suggestively, sidling back up to Brittany and closing the space between them.

All she gets is a chaste kiss pressed to her lips though, Brittany explaining that she's exhausted and ready for bed. Santana really wants to get her lady kisses on and she's a little taken aback by her girlfriend's sudden mood shift, but she also knows how tired Brittany is and doesn't want to deprive her of a good night's sleep. Sweet lady kisses can wait.

-x-

Four days later Santana is still waiting on those sweet lady kisses, something she's complaining to Puck about over Skype.

"Maybe you're no longer satisfying her needs," Puck jokes and Santana instantly regrets saying anything about it. She should know better.

"Shut your mouth. You know the rules."

She watches her friend lift his hands defensively but he's still got that infuriatingly smug smile on his face. "Hey, you brought it up."

Santana rolls her eyes. She's glad that things with Puck are getting back to normal. Or finding a new normal at least. It took a while but they're getting back the rhythm of their friendship, and most importantly the trust. It's been hard sometimes, making time to be a good friend, but she's managing.

"I'm serious though, Lopez. I don't just mean taking your girl to pound town and giving her the big O."

"I'm hanging up."

"You keep complaining that you aint never got no time with Brittany and that's how this shit starts. Some other girl comes creeping in making her feel all special and shit, pretending to be her friend," he holds up his hands for air quotes, "and then one day Brittany's upset and you're not there and in sweeps that hot girl with her shoulder to cry on telling Brittany she deserves better and suddenly vaginas are touching."

"Oh my god," Santana scrunches her face and swats at her laptop screen. "Where do you even get this shit from?"

Puck shrugs. "Hey, I'm just giving it to you straight. But not straight because you're a lesbo and all. But it happens, bro. It's in like every movie and TV show."

"We're not in a TV show!" Santana whisper-yells at her laptop screen, her frustration evident. "Our relationship isn't going to fall apart just because a random girl smiles at one of us. Our relationship isn't falling apart at all!" She takes a breath and then pulls her shoulders back proudly. "And anyway, I make Brittany feel all special and shit."

"Well obviously you don't because you aint getting the V," Puck counters.

"I will hang up on you."

"Alright alright," her friend chuckles. "All I'm saying is that I watched a lot of Oprah reruns last year when I was working the night shift. A lot. And I learned me some things…"

Santana throws her arms in the air in frustration. "You are not talking about Oprah."

"Fine. Can I tell you about this artsy lesbian porno that I watched?"

Santana catches a brief glimpse of her best friend's smirk before she hangs up on him.

-x-

Her best friend might be an idiot, but Puck's words are still circling around Santana's brain a week later when she's out with Brittany and a few of her friends from Juilliard. The brunette knows them all well enough from over the years but there's a new face among them tonight, Amy, a girl from Brittany's dance class. She seems to be a big hit with everyone. She also seems to be really fucking good friends with Brittany which is a bit surprising because until tonight Santana had barely heard of this Amy girl. But now here she is in front of her, leaning into her girlfriend to say something that's obviously hilarious if the way Brittany throws her head back with laughter is any indication.

Santana isn't fucking laughing as she watches Amy openly flirting with her girlfriend and keeps an eye on the girl's hand on Brittany's forearm and all she can think about is what Puck said about someone else making Brittany feel special.

All week she's been asking herself if she actually does make Brittany feel special anymore. They've both just been so busy, and they both try to make the time they do have together count, but sometimes it just feels like they never have any time together. Sometimes she feels like her and Brittany are out of sync, or that the blonde is pulling away from her, but other times they fit together like they were always made to be.

Or maybe it's just all in her head. She knows Brittany gets frustrated that they can't spend time together like they used to but she hasn't said anything about it affecting their relationship. And it's not like Santana never does anything to make Brittany happy. Just last week she was uptown and bought Brittany a cupcake from her favourite bakery and the other week she cleaned their entire apartment because she knew it was stressing Brittany out. Maybe her talk with her idiot best friend has just made Santana paranoid.

(Of course another week of barely spending any time with her girlfriend isn't helping matters.)

Amy flirting with Brittany isn't the problem though. Santana knows that her girlfriend is a desirable woman. She's used to seeing people flirt with her. What she's not used to is Brittany flirting back. It's subtle, someone else might not even notice it, but Santana does.

She doesn't really understand what's going on, but for the first time in a long time she feels like she doesn't belong somewhere Brittany is. The blonde has barely spoken to her all night and she has no fucking idea why, Brittany's friend's picking up some of the slack but mostly leaving Santana to entertain herself texting back and forth with Eloise. At least someone wants to talk to her.

It carries on for a couple of hours until Santana hits breaking point. She doesn't even bother with pleasantries, just grabs Brittany by the wrist.

"Can I talk to you outside?"

She asks but it isn't really a question, her girlfriend surprisingly cooperative as Santana pulls them through the bar until they're outside in the cool spring night. She turns to face Brittany and out of the dim lighting of the bar she can see how drunk her girlfriend actually looks.

"What the fuck is going on?" she asks trying to keep as much accusation out of her voice as possible. She sounds more bewildered than anything.

"You tell me, San. You're the one who dragged me out here."

Santana narrows her eyes. She's not used to this Brittany. Guarded and distant. She knows she's not imagining things now.

"Well do you want to tell me why you've been ignoring me all night? Or why you've been flirting with Amy right in front of my face?"

Brittany scoffs but Santana can tell that she's not at all surprised by the accusations. It seems more like exactly what she was expecting actually and it makes the brunette even angrier, though she's trying really fucking hard to contain those emotions. She has no idea why Brittany is playing this game but she doesn't want this to turn into a fight and she especially doesn't want it to be a fight out on the sidewalk.

"How would you even know?" Brittany counters, her speech a little slurred. "You've spent the whole night texting Eloise."

"Yeah, because you've been ignoring me the whole night."

Brittany actually laughs at that and it makes Santana crazy. She doesn't know what the fuck is going on but she knows that she's not going to stand here on the fucking sidewalk arguing with her drunk girlfriend about it. Her drunk girlfriend who is obviously more interested in playing games right now than having a conversation.

"You know what Britt; I'm going home. You stay and have fun with your friends. I'll see you later."

She doesn't even wait to see Brittany's reaction before turning and walking away, and a part of her is actually relieved when the other girl doesn't come after her.

.

Santana is sleeping on the couch when she's woken by the sound of the front door being unlocked.

She'd tried not to fall asleep waiting for Brittany to come home, concerned about her welfare or just wondering if she even would come home, but she must have dozed off sometime around 2am. She glances at the clock on the wall and realises she was only asleep for half an hour.

Laying there with her eyes closed Santana listens as Brittany enters their apartment, kicks off her shoes and then walks through the entryway into the lounge. She's not sure what to do. She doesn't know if she should say something or not, and she's not sure if she even wants to speak to Brittany at all right now. She's still pissed as hell at her girlfriend. But she's also relieved that she's home, feeling that pull in her stomach that makes her always want Brittany no matter what. She's got a million questions running through her mind, the foremost of which being how Brittany got home and whether Amy was involved in getting her there.

Santana absolutely trusts Brittany, she knows she would never cheat on her, but that doesn't mean that she likes the idea of her girlfriend being out drinking with a girl who is obviously interested in her. And that doesn't mean she's still not pissed off that Brittany was flirting back, however subtle it might have been.

Keeping her eyes closed she pretends to be asleep, wanting Brittany to make the first move.

She doesn't have to wait long though, the blonde mumbling her name and shuffling towards the couch where she's obviously spotted Santana in the dim light. Brittany's voice sounds strained like it does when she's upset and tired and Santana has to fight her instinctive desire to comfort her, instead keeping her eyes closed, unwilling to give in.

Brittany pulls back the blanket covering her and gently guides her body down to rest on top of Santana's, burrowing in against her chest while she slides her arms under her to hold her close.

Santana's still unsure about what's happening but she's given up pretending she's asleep and moves her own arms to wrap around her girlfriend. She's still pissed off. She still wants an explanation. It's just that when Brittany is touching her, Santana's body has a mind of its own.

It's then that she feels Brittany's chest heave and a whimper escape, the blonde obviously trying not to cry. Santana tightens her hold but still doesn't say anything. She's desperate to ask what's wrong, what has her girlfriend acting this way but she needs to hear from Brittany first.

They hold each other for a few minutes and Santana can feel the dampness of Brittany's tears soaking into her shirt.

"I'm sorry," Brittany finally whispers, her voice shaky. It's obvious she's not entirely sober but nowhere near as drunk as she was when they fought earlier which Santana is relieved by. "I was acting like a brat. I'm so sorry baby. I love you so much."

She sniffles and Santana brings one of her hands up to stroke Brittany's hair comfortingly, her anger deflating and settling into a weight in her stomach. Brittany sounds so desperate, so unsure, and it hits Santana like a ton of bricks that something is wrong. Something bigger than a passing annoyance. She doesn't understand why Brittany sounds so lost but it scares the shit out of her.

"Britt, what's–"

Her question is cut off by Brittany lifting her head and pushing forward, pressing their lips together for a kiss that is anything but chaste. Brittany's tongue pushes into her mouth and Santana responds by instinct, still a little caught off guard, even more so when hips grind down into her own. She groans involuntarily and takes a second to catch her breath as Brittany trails kisses across her jaw and down her neck, scraping her teeth against her collarbone.

"Britt," she protests weakly, a tiny part of her still resisting because she knows they need to talk about what happened tonight.

"San," Brittany whispers desperately, one of her hands slipping under Santana's shirt and palming her breast. "I just need to feel you. I need to love you."

Brittany glances up and Santana's breath is ripped from her again when she sees the desire and love and passion clouding blue eyes. It's something she could never deny, pushing aside all other thoughts or worries as she cups Brittany cheeks to pull her into another hungry kiss.

-x-

"Just give me a second to find the book," Santana says over her shoulder as she unlocks her apartment door. "Then we'll grab some lunch on the way back."

"Sounds good," Eloise agrees following in after her.

Santana drops her bag on the kitchen bench and quickly flicks through the mail she picked up on her way up to the apartment.

"I'm so fucking jealous of this place," her friend says as she takes a seat on one of the stools at the bench. "I would love to not have three roommates…or my shitty neighbour playing his bullshit music at all hours. Also, I'm pretty sure this sketchy dude on the second floor is making meth in there. He's gonna blow up the whole building."

"Uh huh," Santana mumbles distractedly as she stares at one of the envelopes in her hand. It's addressed to her and she recognises the writing but can't recall from where. She flips it over to find a return address and her heart almost stops as she reads it.

Her mum. Her mum's name is on the back on the fucking envelope in her hand. The mother that she hasn't seen or heard from in almost ten years. The mother who abandoned her.

She stands there with the envelope in her now shaking hands, her eyes blinking down at it like she can't quite believe it, her mind completely blanking out.

Eloise must notice the change in her demeanour because she's calling her name and when Santana doesn't respond she resorts to placing her hand on Santana's forearm.

"Hey, are you okay?"

Santana feels her heart start to thump quickly now and the adrenaline running through her body, her mind working at double time.

"My mum," she chokes out, needing to clear her throat. "It's from my mum."

She doesn't look up at her friend but she can feel the shift in tension, Eloise informed enough about the situation to understand the gravity of it.

Santana feels paralysed, questions and memories and pain and hope and years of anger weighing her down. She thought that her mother was out of her life. She thought that she'd dealt with the pain and the resentment of being abandoned. Of being ignored and neglected. She thought that she'd never have to face it all again and yet here it is being unleashed by the white envelope in her hands.

But it doesn't have to be. Not now at least. Or maybe not ever.

She takes a deep breath and shoves the envelope into her bag, turning to Eloise who is staring at her warily like she's waiting for her to erupt in tears or something.

"I'll get the book and then we'll get going," Santana says firmly, leaving no room for doubt that she doesn't want to talk about what just happened.

Her friend nods hesitantly and Santana marches off into her bedroom, shaking out her hands and taking deep breaths.

She doesn't want to deal with this now. Or maybe ever. She owes her mother nothing, and the potential damage of opening that envelope might not be worth her curiosity.

-x-

Two days later Santana is sitting on her couch staring at the white envelope. She's been staring at it for at least half an hour now. And an hour yesterday. And two hours the night before that. She's still not sure what to do or how she feels. She thought she could bury everything about it and forget that she ever saw it but she hasn't been able to. That envelope could contain all the answers to all the questions she's had her whole life. It could be an apology. An explanation. Or it could just bring more pain.

Actually, either way Santana's sure it will bring more pain.

Her eyes snap up when she hears the door being unlocked and she grabs for the envelope and shoves it in her pocket.

Telling Brittany about the letter is not something she's done yet and she's not even sure why. Part of her isn't sure yet if she wants to just pretend nothing happened and throw the letter away and she knows that telling her girlfriend about it would make it real. Something much harder to ignore. It doesn't help that things with Brittany have been off since their non-conversation last week. Santana told herself that she would talk to Brittany about what was going on, to continue whatever they were on the edge of that night, but she always seems to chicken out or tell herself that it's not the right time. It's just that there was something about the way Brittany looked that night, something about the way Santana's only just noticed she's looked for a while, that scares her. She just wants Brittany to be happy and the last thing Santana wants to discover is that Brittany's not happy because of her. That would kill her.

She smiles and greets her girlfriend as she enters the apartment and watches her movement into the kitchen, the blonde dumping her dancing bag on one of the stools. Santana can tell something is wrong. Brittany has barely looked at her and her body looks wound tight, mouth set in a line.

"Baby, you okay?"

She stands and walks across to the kitchen, leaning against the bench as Brittany gets herself a bottle of water from the fridge. The two of them stand at opposite ends of the small kitchen and Santana can feel that Brittany wants that distance.

"Had an interesting conversation today," Brittany finally answers, still avoiding eye contact.

Santana hears the anger loaded in Brittany's voice and knows it's aimed at her though she has no idea why. Then her thoughts drift to the envelope in her pocket and she feels her stomach knot.

"I bumped into Eloise today when I was having lunch with Kristin in Washington Square."

Santana closes her eyes because she can guess exactly what's coming next. Her friend had been bugging her with text messages asking if she's okay that she'd more or less been ignoring.

"She wanted to ask me if you'd been okay since getting that letter from your mother on Tuesday."

Fuck. She could fucking kill Eloise.

She opens her eyes and Brittany is glaring at her, looking like a time bomb ready to go off. Santana isn't sure she's seen her this angry.

"So of course I pretended like I knew what the hell she was talking about. Because of course that's something most people would tell their goddamn girlfriend."

Brittany punctuates her sentence by slamming her water bottle on the bench making Santana flinch and there's certainly no doubt that the blonde is furious.

"Britt-"

"Do you have any idea what that felt like, Santana? To know that you kept something like that from me but told someone else. And Eloise of all people!"

"It's not like that," Santana explains, trying to keep her cool. "Eloise was here when I got the mail. That's it. I didn't mean to keep it from you but I didn't want to talk about it until I knew what I was going to do with it."

"And what, you couldn't have told me that?" Brittany argues, throwing her arms in the air like it's obvious. "Did you think I wouldn't understand? Or that I'd push you to do something you didn't want to do? Or is it just that Eloise gives so much better advice than I do?"

"What the fuck Brittany?" Santana shakes her head at that particular assertion, her own anger growing as her natural defences to being attacked kick in. "What does this even have to do with Eloise?"

Brittany just folds her arms across her chest and scoffs at that. "I think it's pretty obvious."

"No it's not fucking obvious because I'm asking. I know you don't like her but this has nothing to do with Eloise."

"Oh please. Everything you do has something to do with her lately."

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"What the fuck do you think it means?" Brittany yells and Santana's mouth drops open, not used to hearing Brittany yell at her let alone swear. "She's obviously into you. You spend all of your time together and you never stop talking about her and how much of a genius she is. You tell her things you don't tell me. Why don't you just date her, Santana, I'm sure she'd love that."

Santana almost wants to laugh but the ludicrousness of Brittany's accusations just makes her angrier.

"I can't believe this. Is that why you've been acting so weird? Why you were flirting with Amy last week? Because of some irrational jealousy?"

"Irrational?" Brittany spits out. "Obviously you haven't seen the way Eloise moons over you all the time. Even Rachel thought you two were a couple."

"Rachel's a fucking idiot!"

Santana runs her hand through her hair in frustration, taking a breath trying to calm herself a little.

"And it might have been nice of you to ask how I'm feeling about the letter by the way, instead of just attacking me."

She turns and takes a few steps into the lounge, needing some air, her back to her still fuming girlfriend.

"First you don't even want to tell me about the letter but now you're upset that I didn't ask if you're okay. Which is it Santana because you can't have both. But you know what, why don't you just call Eloise and she can comfort you. Since I'm obviously such a terrible girlfriend."

"Oh come on," Santana turns to face Brittany again. "I can't believe we're even fighting about this. Half the reason I didn't say anything was because of the way you've been acting lately."

"So it's my fault now?"

"That's not what I meant," Santana exhales in frustration.

"No I think that's exactly what you meant."

Brittany walks around the bench and picks up her bag again.

"So I'll leave you alone since everything is my fault."

Santana feels something in her stomach drop at the thought of Brittany leaving. Maybe it's because of all the shit about her mum that the envelope has brought up but she doesn't want Brittany to leave her right now.

"Britt, don't just leave," she calls out as Brittany makes her way to the door but it comes out a lot harsher than she'd intended.

The blonde stop and turns, obviously still angry but a little more controlled now. "I think we both need some space. I'll stay the night at Kristin's."

"Britt," Santana tries again, "we need to talk about this."

But Brittany doesn't say another word before walking right out of the apartment.

.

Santana just stands there staring at the door for a few minutes, her brain trying to catch up with what just happened.

She's furious with Brittany for making bullshit accusations and then leaving without giving her a chance to defend herself but her anger is tempered somewhat by the despair she feels in her gut about Brittany walking out on her. She absolutely hates that feeling and it rattles her down to her core.

This isn't how it's supposed to work. This isn't how they are supposed to work. She's never seen Brittany this mad, never seen her blow up at her for no reason like this. Practically accuse Santana of cheating on her and then not even give them a chance to talk it out, running off instead.

She starts to pace up and down the apartment, getting angrier the more she thinks about what happened.

She didn't fucking do anything wrong. She's done a lot of stupid shit in their relationship that she has taken responsibility for but she hasn't done anything wrong here. Eloise is just her friend and that's it. She's never even been flirtatious with her for fuck's sake. Eloise wouldn't have even known about the envelope if she hadn't been there when Santana got it. It's not like Santana ran out and told her about it, which she would have told Brittany if she'd given her a fucking chance to. She knows both she and Brittany have been struggling with their busy schedules and maybe they have been neglecting each other, but Santana doesn't see how she's done anything to warrant the kind of anger Brittany was aiming at her.

Pulling her phone out of her pocket she scrolls through her contacts, needing someone to vent to before she drives herself crazy. She tries Puck and curses when she gets his voicemail. Her second thought is to try calling Quinn but she can't even focus enough to figure out what the time would be in Australia. Plus, Quinn is first and foremost Brittany's best friend.

She scrolls back up to Eloise's name and feels guilty for even considering it after what Brittany just accused her of.

Then she feels angry again because, fuck it. She hasn't done anything wrong. Eloise is her friend and she'll fucking talk to her if she wants to.

.

"And then she just fucking walked out," Santana says bitterly before polishing off her third glass of wine and depositing it back on the coffee table in front of her on the couch.

She glances over to her friend who is sitting on the chair opposite her looking at a loss for words.

"I mean she went totally fucking crazy and left before I could even say anything. It's ridiculous! The whole fight was fucking ridiculous and then she just fucking walked out."

She leans forward to pour herself another glass of wine. She knows she's ranting and Eloise has barely gotten a word in, but fuck, that's what her friend is here for.

Although apparently she's also here to stop Santana getting drunk, the other girl grabbing the bottle right out of Santana's hand and placing it out of her reach.

"I just don't think getting wasted and being all kinds of hangover is going to help when you talk to Brittany tomorrow," Eloise says in answer to Santana's questioning glare. "Plus, you need to keep the few working brain cells you still have."

"Fucking hell what are you, Captain Sobriety all of a sudden? This is your fucking fault too let's not forget," she accuses, pointing her finger at her friend. "Running out to find Brittany to tell her about the letter. Like you couldn't have kept it to your fucking self."

"Oh bullshit, don't even try to blame me for this, Santana. I was worried about you because I saw your face when you got that letter and then you were ignoring my texts. How the fuck was I supposed to know you hadn't told your girlfriend about it. It's not my fault you made a shitty decision."

"Fuck you."

"Fuck you."

Santana huffs out a breath and slouches back in her seat.

So maybe yelling at the person who is supposed to be on her side isn't really the smartest idea. Besides, in the back of her slightly foggy mind she knows that this isn't Eloise's fault.

She tips her head back and stares up at the ceiling, filled with impotent rage.

"I just don't fucking understand what's happening. Brittany has been acting distant for weeks and I have no idea why."

Eloise chews that over for a minute. "Have you asked her about it?"

Santana opens her mouth to say yes but then stops herself when she realises that she hasn't actually ask Brittany about it. Not really.

"Well maybe not but it's not like she said anything to me about it. If she had a problem she could have fucking talked to me about it before she blew up at me."

Eloise nods her head in agreement and Santana feels a little bit vindicated on at least one thing.

"And this whole jealousy thing is fucking absurd. I mean I know we spend a lot of time together but most of that is for the research project. And we're friends." Santana throws her hands up in the air helplessly. "I mean all her bullshit about you being into me…it's ridiculous. It's like she's turned into a fucking crazy person."

Santana's once again expecting agreement from her friend so when she's met with nothing but silence for a long moment she narrows her eyes. Eloise has a conflicted expression on her face and Santana might be half-drunk be she's sober enough to know that something isn't right, her stomach knotting with anxiety suddenly.

"It is crazy, right? Brittany thinking you have a crush on me?"

She can barely get the words out, too scared of the answer, the idea that her friend might fancy her something she doesn't really want to think about.

Eloise reaches down to grab the wine bottle next to her chair and brings it to her lips, taking a few long sips while Santana watches on wide eyed and confused.

"I'm only fucking telling you this so that you don't think your girlfriend is completely batshit, okay?"

"Telling me what?"

She watches Eloise take a deep breath.

"That Brittany's not crazy for thinking I have a crush on you."

Santana feels her whole body still. Except for her mouth which gapes open. She wasn't fucking prepared for that and feels like the wind has been knocked out of her.

"You…you like me?"

"Unfortunately."

She blinks, completely in shock. She feels like she's landed in a parallel universe where nothing is what she thought it was. Or maybe more like when she got her first pair of glasses. Like seeing things clearly for the first time.

"But…you had a boyfriend. You date boys."

She protests uncertainly, trying to make sense of it all, recalling the stories she'd been told about Eloise's ex-boyfriend and all the times they've been out when Eloise has flirted with boys. Although when she thinks about it her friend is more often than not rejecting the boys who approach her when they go out, preferring instead to talk to or dance with Santana. Just like she did the night they went out for karaoke last month. Like she did at that party where she pretended to be Santana's girlfriend to get Berry to back off. When Brittany saw her with her arms around Santana.

Shit.

Eloise rolls her eyes. "Just because I've dated boys doesn't mean I don't like girls too."

Of course it doesn't. Santana knows that. It just never occurred to her that Eloise might. She never mentioned it. Not that her friend had to it's just…this revelation has completely thrown her.

She quickly thinks back over their friendship thinking if she ever felt any warning bells that Eloise liked her more than a friend but comes up empty. Or maybe she just missed them because she wasn't looking for them, like the thing with Eloise never flirting with guys around her, always rebuffing the guys Santana tried to chat up for her. Or maybe how Santana would sometimes catch her friend staring at her but dismiss it as Eloise being weird because she's a weirdo. Shit.

"You like me?"

Eloise takes another long swig from the bottle. "Well right now I don't."

"You like me."

Santana knows she sounds like a fucking parrot, repeating the same thing over and over. She's just having a little trouble processing all of this. Brittany wasn't being fucking crazy. Brittany has been jealous maybe this whole time and hasn't said anything. No wonder Santana always felt like Brittany didn't like Eloise. No wonder she would shut down when Santana mentioned Eloise or talked to her on the phone.

"Are you going to keep saying the same thing? Look, you were never supposed to know, okay? I know Brittany is totally the love of your life and I like being your friend and we have to work together so I didn't want to make it weird. It's just a stupid crush anyway. I just didn't want you making Brittany think she was crazy for suspecting something, okay? I'm trying to be a good friend."

Santana nods, acknowledging the truth of her friend's words. She leans back in her seat again and takes a couple of deep breaths. This is all too much.

They sit in tense silence for a few minutes, Santana lost in her own thoughts.

"Do you want me to go?" Eloise asks finally.

Santana looks at her friend and can see how dejected she looks, her face fallen and shoulders down, like she's done something wrong.

"Shit, no. I just…thank you for telling me, I guess. It's just…" she waves her hand in the air between them, "…weird."

"Yeah. I made it weird."

Santana can't help but give a small smile at that. "You kinda did," she says teasingly.

"Hey I'm trying to help you fix shit with your girl here."

Santana gives her friend a thankful smile and feels the tension lift a little. She holds her hand out and gestures to the wine bottle which Eloise hands over easily this time. This is definitely deserving of another drink.

"So, like, what now? Are we not going to be friends or something?"

Santana takes a swig from the bottle. "No…I mean, I don't know. I just…I have to talk to Britt, yeah?"

"Yeah," Eloise nods understandingly. "I hope you know that I would never do anything to–"

"I know," Santana smiles reassuringly. One thing she knows for sure is that Eloise has never hit on her or acted inappropriately. She believes that her friend would never try to sabotage her relationship with Brittany.

They sit in a much more comfortable silence this time, Santana staring at the coffee table once again lost in thought, replaying her argument with Brittany over and over again, seeing things from this new perspective.

She snaps out of it a little when Eloise stands and tells her she's going to the bathroom and Santana glances over to the clock and sees that it's later than she thought, creeping into the early hours of the morning. No wonder she feels exhausted.

She rubs her face, determining to tell Eloise to go home and get some sleep once she's back from the bathroom. Santana knows that even though she's tired she's not going to get any rest tonight with Brittany gone but that that doesn't mean she has to keep her friend up too.

The sound of the front door opening jolts Santana's body wide awake though, her head snapping in that direction. She hadn't even heard it being unlocked but she just instinctively knows who it is, her chest swelling with emotion when her girlfriend walks in and closes the door behind her before dropping her bag on the floor.

Santana stands immediately and their eyes meet, the brunette's heart breaking when she takes in the frown on Brittany's face and her puffy from tears eyes. Part of her still wants to be pissed off at her girlfriend but she's just so relieved to see her.

"Hi," Brittany offers with a shaky voice, her brow furrowed with worry as if she's scared that Santana will reject it, but Santana just smiles.

"Hi."

Brittany shuffles a little further into the room, her eyes sweeping across it before landing back at Santana, but just as she opens her mouth to speak again Santana sees her gaze flick to the side of the room, the action matched by the sound of someone moving about.

Shit. Santana winces as she turns to see her friend walking back into the room. She knows she hasn't done anything wrong but Brittany coming home to find Eloise here isn't exactly the best look.

"Hey," Eloise greets Brittany cautiously.

Brittany offers a small smile in reply and Santana is thankful when her friend announces that she's leaving.

"No need to walk me out," Eloise adds as she gathers her bag, the two other girls watching silently.

"Get home safe," Santana finally says as her friend makes her way to the door. "And thanks."

Eloise gives her a final nod goodbye before closing the door behind her.

Santana takes a deep breath, her eyes shifting back to Brittany standing in front of her.

"You came back."

Brittany's eyes widen at her words and propel her forward a couple of steps. "Of course I came back. I should have never walked out like that in the first place, San. I'm so sorry."

Santana nods in acceptance but Brittany steps forward again so that they're barely a foot apart, her hand reaching out to grab one of Santana's as blue eyes bore into brown.

"No really, I shouldn't have left like that. Especially when I knew you were upset about that letter from your mum. When we first got together I promised that I would never leave you and I broke that promise. I'm so sorry."

She sounds so broken and sincere and Santana bites her lip as an overwhelming wave of emotion swells inside her and threatens tears. She manages to hold them back, soothed by Brittany's thumb rubbing circles on the back of her hand.

The blonde glances at the couch and then takes a seat, pulling Santana down to sit with her but still leaving some space between them.

"I have to apologise for a lot of things," she continues, glancing down at their still joined hands. "Quinn talked some sense into me. Helped me realise that I've been unfair to you. I've been…blaming you for things that aren't your fault. Or taking things out on you when you didn't deserve it. I'm sorry."

Santana squeezes Brittany's hand reassuringly, accepting the apology but now wondering what has been going on, what has Brittany been keeping from her?

"Britt, what's been going on with you?"

The blonde looks away, an almost shameful expression on her face and Santana holds her breath, a weight settling in the pit of her stomach as she immediately thinks the worst.

"It's just," Brittany's voice cracks with tears. "I'm failing almost all of my classes."

Santana takes a deep breath and feels so relieved that she almost laughs just to expel the tension in her body. She'd been afraid the news would be much worse and she's so thankful that it's not. But the way Brittany is biting her lip trying not to cry still makes her heart ache and she realises that there's more to this than Brittany failing her classes.

"Britt," she whispers gently. "Why didn't you tell me?"

It's not an accusation, although she does feel a little hurt that Brittany kept it from her, but more than anything she needs to know why.

"I was just so embarrassed," the blonde answers, lifting her hands to press the heels of them into her eyes and Santana's heart drops, hating that Brittany feels the need to hide from her. "You're so smart and you're doing so well at school. You've got this research project. All of your friends are smart like you and I'm just…"

"Hey," Santana grabs Brittany's hands and pulls them away gently so that she can look in her eyes. "Hey don't even finish that sentence." She cradles Brittany's face and wipes tears away with her thumb. "You, Brittany Susan Pierce, are the smartest person I've ever met."

Santana says it with absolute sincerity but Brittany scoffs and shakes her head, pulling away so Santana's hands drop back into her lap.

"A smart person doesn't fail their classes, San."

"It's not just about grades."

"It is though," Brittany says more forcefully. "I know I was wrong to say all those things about Eloise before but do you know what it's like to hear you constantly talk about how smart she is when I always feel so stupid?"

Santana's brow furrows as she thinks back to their argument when Brittany accused her of always talking about what a genius Eloise is. She honestly never gave it a second thought when she said those things and it was purely because her friend being smart made her life easier. She never thought about how Brittany would feel about it.

"Britt I never meant to make you feel that way," she tells her, eyes imploring Brittany to believe her. "Never for one second have I ever thought you were stupid and just because Eloise knows a lot about science doesn't mean she's any smarter than you." Brittany rolls her eyes but Santana doesn't give up. "I'm serious Britt. Maybe I haven't made you believe it lately but I don't tell you I think you're the smartest person I've ever met just to make you feel better. I honestly mean it."

The blonde's eyes soften and Santana can see that she's getting through to her.

"I say it because you know how to read people better than anyone I've ever met. You know what they're feeling or what they want or what they're hiding and you know how to make them feel comfortable enough to tell you. You know how to say the right thing to make someone smile, to feel appreciated. You remember every waiter or barista's name because you want them to feel respected. You know how to move and control your body in ways other people can't even imagine and that's not by accident, Britt. You've worked your ass off for years for that. You just learn better by experiencing things instead of reading them. And you see life in a way that most people don't. You care about things that most people dismiss like being kind and generous and thoughtful. There are plenty of people who live a whole lifetime and never learn those things. You know how to love more openly and honestly and unconditionally than anyone I've ever met and as far as I'm concerned that makes you the smartest person on this earth."

Santana gives her an encouraging smile and feels her heart lift a little when Brittany's lips curl up just the slightest bit.

"I'm sorry I just…" the blonde trails off, her smile falling again. "I don't know what I'm doing, San. I don't know what I want. My whole life I was going to be a dancer and now I'm not and I don't know who I'm supposed to be. I don't…" her eyes dart around in frustration, "I thought I'd found the answer but I don't think I have and it's scary. And then it felt like you never had time for me and I got even more scared. And I got jealous of Eloise. You know exactly what you want and how to get it but I don't and what if you leave me behind? What if you find someone who can keep up with you?"

Brittany's lip quivers with emotion and she's looking at Santana so desperately that the brunette doesn't think twice before wrapping her hand around the back of Brittany's neck and pulling her closer, smashing their lips together in a bruising and passionate kiss. She pulls herself as close to the blonde as possible, the chests pressed together while arms cling to each other desperately.

They kiss until the need for air becomes too great and then break apart, both girls panting as Santana leans back just enough to look Brittany in the eye.

"You are what I want," she says with all the conviction in her body. "It doesn't matter to me if you're dancing or writing articles or selling flowers or making macaroni art or if you decide you want to be a fire fighter. Whatever you want as long as you're happy, Britt. I just want you to find what makes you happy. I need you to know that." She knows she sounds desperate but she needs Brittany to hear her. "I need you to know how much I love you."

Brittany stares into her eyes for a second before she nods her acknowledgment, fighting back tears as Santana's emotions finally overwhelm her are sliding down her cheeks as she thrusts forward and kisses Brittany again, this time not as forceful but just as passionate as the last.

Santana hates that she didn't notice something was wrong with Brittany until it was too late and she hates that Brittany didn't feel like she could talk to her about it. Now that she knows what Brittany has been thinking she can see that her girlfriend pulled away which made Santana pull away too, to the point that neither of them were confronting what was really going on until Brittany just blew up. She knows she and Brittany have a lot more to talk about, a lot more to keep talking about, like the letter from Santana's mum and Eloise's confession, but for tonight all she needs to know is that they love each other and that they are going to be okay.

That's enough for right now.

.

.

---

So thanks for reading :)

What's in the envelope from Santana's mum? And what will happen with Eloise? Well…that's for the next chapter :P I'd love to hear your ideas though. Hit me up in a review or on tumblr! (link in my profile)

I really wanted to explore this career/life indecision and expectation with Brittany because this is something I have struggled with a lot in my twenties and it's something I feel like a lot of people experience but not enough people talk about. In my experience being surrounded by people who know what direction they're heading can make you feel incredibly left out or like you're being left behind and that can affect your relationships a lot. So anyway…I wanted to touch on that.

Oh, and Glee might be trying to destroy Brittana but they can go fuck themselves if they think that I'm going to forget about Brittana like they seem to have ;)