A/N: Thank you for all your reviews and alerts and asks on tumblr. It helps keep me motivated to know that people care about this story. I hope some of you still do :)
I feel like this one is a little bit different from the other chapters in style. Hopefully in a good way. It's definitely more of a snapshot of their lives at this time, (with a bit less drama!).
(Sidenote: as an Australian, thinking about a school year bridging over two different years is weird and keeps confusing me and I don't like it. I'm so glad we have summer at the end of the year and not in the middle of it!)
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Santana Lopez never used to think about her future. She never thought she'd have one, so there was no point. From the time she was barely a teenager she'd resigned herself to having the same shitty life stuck in Lima heights with some shitty job in a shitty apartment. There wasn't any light at the end of the tunnel, a lesson she'd learned early in life. That was until Brittany came into her life and showed Santana that anything was possible. Even something like someone as amazing as Brittany falling in love with her. When she was a teenager Santana tried not to even dream about the life she has now. Even now sometimes she can't believe it. She got herself into school, she got the girl, she's made a family of her friends and none of it was easy but it's hers, and she loves it.
She never thought this would be her future. But she's so thankful that it is. For all of its constant challenges she loves her life now, but it's her future that is once again troubling her. Especially the question of med school hanging over her head. It's making her worry about things that didn't concern her before. Made her aware of the people in her life and where their lives are heading. So many things could change and she's never been good with change. It makes her feel off-balance.
Kind of like right now.
Because as much as her life has changed she honestly never thought she'd again see the day when Rachel Berry and Quinn Fabray were anything resembling friends. Or that she would want to be friends with either of them in such an unlikely event. And yet here she is, sitting in her apartment in New York, watching the two of them talking like old friends. Which she guesses they are in some ways. It's a world away from anything she could have imagined as a teenager…and it's pretty fucking bizarre. She feels like she's crossed over into some kind of twilight zone.
Or maybe that's the buzz from the wine talking.
Searching for some normalcy she glances around the room and spots her girlfriend in their kitchen with some of her friends from work, the blonde shooting her a wink when she notices her looking and Santana smiles, glad to see that Brittany looks like she's enjoying her birthday party. And she looks fucking adorable in her party hat.
"You and Brittany will be coming to see my show on Wednesday night, right Santana? I was just telling Quinn about it."
The brunette pulls her attention back to the two girls in front of her. "It's not your show, Berry. It's an open mic night."
Rachel huffs and rolls her eyes while Quinn snorts out a laugh next to her.
It's weird being friends or whatever she is with Rachel again, and it's a world away from the friendship they had when they were kids. Rachel just sort of inserted herself into Santana and Brittany's lives over the last six months and her persistence has paid off, Santana no longer having the heart to brush her off. Brittany thinks that Rachel is lonely, and while Santana can certainly understand why people want to keep their distance from the loquacious woman, she can also see how much Rachel has changed and the genuine effort she's putting into being a good person and friend. So while Santana isn't about to count Rachel Berry as one of her best friends, she'll let the title of friend stay for now. And Brittany really loves going to open mic nights.
"But yeah sure, Britt and I will be there to heckle you."
Rachel grins and claps excitedly. Santana looks at Quinn.
"You coming too Fabray? Your ears should have to suffer too."
"Actually…" Quinn says somewhat shyly, "I have a date that night."
"Please don't tell me it's that old dude from your building," Santana tells her, scrunching her face in disgust, "he's creepy and no matter what you keep saying he is not hot. And he's like forty."
Rachel's eyes widen. Quinn just scoffs.
"He's like thirty-four," the blonde corrects her and Santana rolls her eyes, "but no, it's not with Scott. It's someone from my photography course. Layla."
Santana quirks an eyebrow. "I'm sorry did you say Layla? As in a girl's name Layla. As in Layla is a girl. As in you're going on a date with a girl?"
"Wow your powers of deduction are really impressive."
Santana's kind of surprised but not really. She knows Quinn has hooked up with girls before but she sees an opportunity to tease her friend and of course she's going to take it.
"When did you cross over to the dark side Fabray? Did you spend a lot of time going down under while you were Down Under? Did you explore some native bush?"
Santana smiles smugly, thinking she is oh-so-clever, while Quinn just shakes her head with a stern expression. Although Santana can see a smile trying to break out.
"I knew it!" Rachel announces, looking quite pleased with herself before turning to Quinn and placing her hand on the other girls forearm reassuringly. "Congratulations Quinn. I want you to know that I am your friend and ally," she says raising her voice a little and glancing at the people around them. "You can embrace your homosexuality and live proudly around me."
"Oh shut up the both of you," Quinn tells them and Santana barks out a laugh, pleased she's gotten a rise out of her friend. "It's just a date Santana, I'm not taking out a membership card with your club. And Rachel, I appreciate your support but this is Brittany's birthday party not my coming out party. It's just a date."
"Someone is sounding awfully defensive," Santana teases.
"Someone is going to get my fist in her face."
Before she can respond Santana feels a hand brush against the back of her neck and a second later her girlfriend is settling herself across her lap, both arms wrapped around her neck, her cardboard party hat sitting more than a little lopsided now.
"I don't know if you've heard but Quinn's gay now," Santana tells Brittany, her arms wrapping around her girlfriend's waist.
Brittany giggles and Santana can tell that she's a little drunk, her flushed cheeks and nose an easy giveaway.
"Quinn's just…sampling the menu in New York," Brittany says, tucking some hair behind Santana's ear. "Plus, Layla is really pretty."
"Oh really?"
Brittany nods and leans in, pressing kisses across Santana's cheeks. "Nowhere near as beautiful as my wonderful girlfriend though." And then finally their lips are connecting, in a kiss that is anything but decent, the two girls openly groping each other.
"You know you guys can't have sex in front of all these people right?"
-x-
"So how was Brittany's birthday party?"
Santana glances up from her notes and takes off her glasses. "It was great. Britt had a really good time and was totally surprised. She had no idea it was happening. And she loved the new video camera I got her."
She smiles when she thinks about the shocked and then joyous look on her girlfriend's face, the way Brittany practically jumped on her in an excited hug, and then the thank you sex in the early hours of that morning when their guests had gone home. She's feeling like a pretty great girlfriend lately.
"I'm bummed I missed it," Eloise tells her.
"It's cool. You guys had that trip planned for a while. How are things with Madison anyways?"
The other girl sighs dreamily. "Perfect. I mean she drives me crazy. And her work schedule is insane. But it's perfect."
The smile spreading across Eloise's face grows as she speaks and Santana smiles too, happy for her friend. She's glad that her friendship with Eloise is on a bit more solid ground these days too.
Things had been weird after that night when Eloise told Santana she had a crush on her. Neither of them wanted it to be weird, but Santana thinks now that maybe it had to be. Knowing that Eloise had feelings for her changed things, even in small ways, although Santana knows some of it was for the best. She was just so much more aware of things she'd maybe been neglecting, especially Brittany's feelings, and she doesn't want to make the same mistakes she made before. In their efforts to lay it all out on the table the morning after their big fight Santana had told Brittany about Eloise admitting her crush on her. Brittany wasn't happy about it but she felt a little vindicated. She didn't put any pressure on Santana to end the friendship or distance herself from Eloise though, and Santana appreciated Brittany reassuring her trust in her. They worked hard being honest with each other and working through stuff and came out of it better than ever.
It wasn't so smooth with Eloise though. Their friendship had naturally taken a backseat with Santana wanting to focus on her relationship more and she felt like Eloise was keeping her distance too. After their research project ended they saw less of each other, mostly confined to their study dates, and things were a little awkward. Like the boundaries of their friendship had been shifted and neither of them knew how to act around the other. Their conversations became a lot more superficial. Then Eloise met Madison and their time together became even scarcer. But it's been three or so months since then and things are getting back to normal. Santana's not exactly sure what changed, maybe they just needed time, but it's good to have their friendship back.
"I can't believe you're dating a model. I mean know this city is flooded with them but you never actually meet any. Plus, I thought they only dated rich old guys or filthy hipsters," Santana teases. "Oh wait, you are a filthy hipster."
"Hey, I embrace my hipster greatness. And I have excellent hygiene thank you very much." Eloise sighs and slaps closed her book. "I'm so over this shit."
"Only a few months left."
"Yeah, but then it starts all over again," the other girl laments. "Have you decided where you're applying for med school?"
Santana shifts in her chair. This isn't her favourite subject and whenever she thinks about it she can't help spiralling into despair contemplating the worst possible outcomes. "I haven't finalised anything yet but I want to stay in the city. My life is here now and so is Britt's. I can't imagine leaving…but I guess I might have to."
Santana thinks about the conversations she and Brittany have had about the potential of Santana being accepted to a school in another city. Since they began talking about it Brittany has always said that she will go with Santana wherever she gets accepted, which Santana appreciates and loves her for so fucking much, but she hates the thought of taking Brittany away from her life, her work and her friends. Just the thought of all the possibilities makes her stomach knot.
"I have to get accepted first. Not that you have to worry about that, Miss Never-Met-A-Scholarship-I-Didn't-Get."
Eloise preens. "That's right, I am amazing."
"Where are you thinking of going?"
Santana would love it if she and Eloise ended up at med school together, it's awesome having someone who challenges her like Eloise does, but she doesn't know how likely that is.
"Still not sure. I mean part of me wants to stay in New York because I've lived here my whole life. But then part of me wants to leave and experience someplace else, you know? Plus, some of those programs are awesome."
Santana nods in understanding and Eloise is right – there are far better programs in other parts of the country. But the ones in New York are still good. And she's never much liked change. Even though most of the change in her life the last few years has been great, there's always the potential for something to go wrong. She's gotten better at looking at the bright side of things thanks to Brittany's influence but some of her youthful pessimism still remains. She's just gotten Quinn back from halfway round the world. She doesn't want to lose Eloise.
"Yeah. We've still got time to decide."
-x-
"So how was your lady date with Layla?" Santana draws out the name teasingly, raising her voice to be heard over the music in the bar.
Quinn tries not to smile. "Is that what you call it when you and Britt go out? A lady date?"
"She actually does," Brittany answers with a grin at Santana and the brunette blushes a little.
"The date was okay. We kind of ran out of things to talk about though. I thought we would've clicked more than we did."
Brittany pats Quinn's arm consolingly and Santana can see that her friend is disappointed. She's had a bit of a hard time finding someone to connect with in the four months since she's been in New York.
"That sucks, Fabray. But obviously that means she's super lame and you're better off anyway."
Their conversation is cut short by a guy walking on stage to the microphone and introducing the first musician. Brittany's hand on Santana's thigh squeezes a little tighter and she bops in her seat in excitement. Santana smiles goofily at her, completely charmed by everything Brittany. Rachel's dragged them along to yet another open mic night just two days after the last one. Santana does not understand why Brittany loves them so much but that is the only reason she is there…it's certainly not to the talent on show.
Like this Damien Rice-wannabe on stage right now. It sounds like his guitar is even more out of tune than his voice. Thankfully he's not that loud.
"So have you decided if you're going back to Yale?" Santana asks halfway through the song once she's gotten bored, turning back to Quinn. "You deferred for a year right? Or do you want to stay in the city?"
Quinn swallows a sip of her beer and shrugs. "Not sure yet. I still have like six months until I have to decide…but I'm really enjoying being in New York."
"Maybe you could transfer to a school here?"
Santana tries not to show how keen she is for that to happen, but she is. She would love for Quinn to move to New York permanently. She would love for them to all stay in New York. She doesn't want anyone to leave and she doesn't want to leave.
Quinn smiles. "I've been thinking about it and it's definitely a possibility. But then you'd be dragging me to places like this all the time."
The warm hand leaves Santana's thigh as Brittany starts clapping, much louder than the muted applause around the rest of the bar.
"He wasn't very good but I appreciate his effort," Brittany tells them and Santana leans over to give her lots of quick kiss on the cheek.
"Keep it in your pants, Lopez. So how's work going Britt?"
Santana slides her hand under Brittany's to hold it on the table, sitting back in the booth and watching her girlfriend's face light up as she tells Quinn all about her week at work and it warms her belly to see Brittany so happy and passionate about it. Especially considering how she felt about school last year. She had stuck out the year but she was miserable, and at the end of it she'd decided to drop out and get a job. It was a big decision, one they'd talked out together and that Brittany had put a lot of thought into. Brittany's parents were not at all happy with it, especially her dad, and it's put a new strain on her relationship with them as they refuse to support her emotionally or financially. Although they don't really need to financially anymore now that Brittany is working. Still, Santana knows it affects Brittany that her parents are disapproving.
Santana was really worried too at first. She knows what the employment statistics are for people who don't have a university degree. She knows the public perceptions about them too. But she also knows that Brittany was miserable last year and now she's not. Now she's working at a day care during the week and teaching dance classes for kids and teenagers afterschool a few of those days and Santana can't remember her being so happy and fulfilled. Who gives a fuck about a university degree if Brittany is happy without one.
"Ooh, I'm going to run to the bathroom before the next performer starts," Brittany tells them before sliding out of the booth and walking across the bar.
Santana watches her go, marvelling at her girlfriend's damn fine ass but Quinn's voice brings her attention back.
"I never would have thought of Brittany working with little kids…but it fits her perfectly. She like, lights up when she talks about those kids."
Santana feels that warm feeling in her belly again, thinking back to how easily Brittany bonded with Anita and how well kids take to her. She's a natural with them.
"Oh yeah, she loves those little fuckers. And she's so great with them. She's always trying to think of new ways to engage them and researching techniques on the internet. There's always some new art or craft project. We have so many finger paintings up on our fridge. And the kids just love her. She's such a natural with them."
"Jeez Lopez. Soon you'll be knocking her up and you'll have your own little monsters running around."
"Well ideally I'd want to at least be a resident when that happens," Santana answers seriously. "And Britt and I would be married by then hopefully. Of course that means I have to get into med school first." Santana feels that swirl of anxiety in her stomach that she gets when she thinks about her not-too-distant future.
"Wow," Quinn breathes out, her face softening. "Listen to you. Talking about having babies and getting married. Who would've thought?"
Santana ducks her head a little. "Yeah yeah I know. Lima Heights Santana Lopez gone all soft and shit."
"No no, it's nice. God, I think about how fucked up and miserable we both we back in high school. It's nice to see you so happy."
Santana glances up and they share a smile. When she first met Quinn all those years ago she could have never predicted they would end up here. Friends. Best friends even. Quinn still looks much the same as she did when they finished high school, her short choppy hair has blue streaks in it now and maybe the angles of her face are a little sharper, but Santana can see how much she's grown.
Their tender moment is interrupted by Brittany sliding back into the booth.
"What did I miss?"
"Santana here went full homo and was blubbering on about you having her babies.
The brunette feels her cheeks flush a little. Brittany leans into her side and presses a chaste kiss to her lips.
"We're going to make the cutest tiny humans."
Santana feels her whole body buzz at the words. Yeah, so maybe the future is not that scary.
-x-
When her last afternoon class is cancelled Santana takes the opportunity to head over to the dance studio where Brittany teaches afterschool. She loves watching her girlfriend interacting with the kids, she's got the six and seven year olds today, and she knows Brittany gets a kick out of her being there too.
She slips into the studio and immediately catches Brittany's eye, smiles spreading across both of their faces, before moving along the side of the room where some chairs are set up for some of the parents who watch the classes. Santana drops her bag down next to her and settles into her seat, her eyes immediately finding her girlfriend again and her chest inflates with too many emotions at the sight of Brittany crouching down in front of one of the little girls. It looks like she's giving her some sort of encouragement with a soft smile on her face and a comforting hand on her shoulder. Then Brittany is standing back up and demonstrating the move again for the girl who copies it, an excited grin and a few little bops up and down following when she gets it right. Brittany's smile is so big and when she holds her hand a bit lower to high-five the little girl Santana's heart just melts. She doesn't know when she became so lame. She doesn't know when she started wanting things she's never wanted before, but she suspects none of it would have happened without Brittany. And maybe it's about growing up and dreaming new dreams. And maybe it's about being brave enough to want the things you've always told yourself you never wanted because you were too scared to want them. She knows they're still too young and nowhere near ready for it in so many ways, especially financially. Having a kid costs a lot of money, and having a kid without a penis directly involved costs a lot more money, but the dream is there. It's something that they both want and something they're working towards, and it's those thoughts that keep Santana from plummeting over the edge when she thinks about where she'll be next year. It's about the big picture.
When the class is over the kids rush to their parents and Brittany gets swept up in everyone waving goodbye and parents thanking her. Santana notices a little boy sitting on a seat further down from her, his parents obviously not there yet. When Brittany turns around she notices him too, her eyes flicking to the clock on the wall and back again.
"Hey Christopher. Looks like your parents are running a little late today. You wanna put on some Nicki Minaj and dance with me?"
The boy grins, nodding his head vigorously and Brittany skips over to the sound system to change the CD. Santana watches them do a little routine and then just goof around and she's hit with a pang of nostalgia. Memories of all those afternoons and evenings she spent watching Brittany and Anita dance in Lima Heights flood back to her. She really misses those carefree days, (at least in hindsight they feel carefree), and she misses Anita.
The boy's parents rush in about ten minutes later and once they're gone Brittany saunters over to Santana, pushing the brunette's shoulder to lean back so she can straddle her legs. Santana's hands slip under Brittany's loose dance top and rest on the warm skin of her lower back. Brittany leans in until their lips meet and Santana smiles into the kiss, relaxing completely. No matter where she is Brittany always feels like home.
After a bit of a make-out Brittany pulls away, one of her hands leaving Santana's neck to tuck some of her hair back behind her ear.
"Did you skip classes just to ogle me in my dance clothes?"
Santana smiles at the blonde's gentle teasing and shakes her head. "Class was cancelled so I thought I'd come up here to see my best girl."
"Your only girl," Brittany corrects her before leaning in for more short kisses. "No more talking," her lips brush against Santana's as she speaks, "I have another class in a half hour and I need some sugar."
-x-
Later that night Santana's washing the dishes while Brittany dries, the blonde telling her all about her day since they didn't talk all that much when Santana visited her at work. Brittany's job of drying the dishes is kind of unnecessary and they could easily just leave them to dry in the rack but it's one of their little domestic routines that they both love so much, one of the things that fell by the wayside last year when things unravelled a little.
"I want a kitten."
Santana's head pops up and she frowns, unsure that she heard that right. "Say what now?"
She puts down the glass in her hands and wipes them on the towel hanging over her shoulder, turning to Brittany who's biting her lip nervously.
"I think we should get a kitty."
Santana's still a little thrown. "A kitty? Like a cat?"
"Yup. A cat."
Brittany looks so hopeful and excited but Santana can only feel terror at the idea. Having a pet means taking care it. Remembering to feed it and making sure it has water and no fleas and a place to poop and a lot of other things. She can barely take care of herself. Yeah, she wants kids, but that's when she's like thirty and a proper adult. When she's not eating cereal for dinner at least once a week and can take the subway just once without swearing at someone and stops freaking out when she has to make appointments for herself. She's not sure she's ready for any extra responsibility.
"But we'd have to look after it," she blurts out stupidly.
Brittany's eyes soften and Santana can just tell that her girlfriend knows exactly why she's freaking out about this. Brittany always knows.
The blonde takes a step closer and rests her hip against the bench. "And you're so good at taking care of people. You took care of Anita a lot when you were just a teenager. And April sometimes. And you take care of me."
"We take care of each other," Santana corrects her gently, running her hand down Brittany's arm and then linking their fingers. Brittany always makes sure she has breakfast because she so often forgets in her grumpy morning rush, and even though sometimes she forgets things like milk, Brittany is the one who always remembers to buy things like toilet paper and dishwashing liquid, and every night Brittany kisses her when she comes home and tells her she loves her.
The blonde squeezes Santana's hand and one side of her lips quirk up. "We'd be excellent kitten owners."
"Look how things turned out with David Hasselhoff," Santana reminds her about the poor goldfish they'd had last year. The goldfish that died mysteriously after four months.
Brittany's eyebrows draw together in sadness. She was pretty devastated about his death. "I'm still convinced it was a congenital disorder that the pet store didn't pick up."
"What about if we have to move next year?"
Brittany shrugs easily. "We'll take him with us."
"Him?"
"Or her. But just think about how great having a little kitty-cat will be. "
Santana smiles at her girlfriend's enthusiasm and leans in to kiss her, feeling her own body relax. She'll need to get used to the idea a little more, but maybe watching Brittany play with their cat wouldn't be the worst thing.
-x-
She's mindlessly flipping through vinyl covers following her friend around the record store.
"Seriously Fabray you couldn't be more tragically hipster. You should really hang out with Eloise instead of dragging me to these dives in Brooklyn."
"Ah yes, the Eloise you didn't want me hanging out with," Quinn teases.
Santana rolls her eyes. "That was when you first got here and things were still weird with her and me. It's different now."
"So she's not in love with you anymore?"
Santana doesn't even need to look at her to know that Quinn is smirking at her.
"She was never in love with me, you dick. It was a crush. She's got a super hot, although kinda weird, girlfriend now."
"Well I'm glad you sorted out your shit, Lopez. When Brittany called me last year she was a mess over it."
Santana thinks back to that night, to the weeks before that night, and feels a painful tug in her heart. They were both a mess but Santana was mostly just confused. Brittany however was dealing with a lot, and keeping it to herself. That night had been rough and there had been lots of tears, lots of truths and lots of apologies, but they'd gotten through it and learned from it. That's what matters.
"I'm happy you two figured things out," Quinn tells her. "Purely for selfish reasons. Without you two I think I'd lose my faith in romance and love and all that Hollywood shit."
"Yeah because you don't seem cynical about it at all."
Santana feels her bag vibrating and reaches into it for her phone, smiling when she sees Anita's name on the screen. Santana holds her phone up to Quinn. "I'm just gonna take this outside."
"Hey there Midget!" she answers once she's outside the store and the weird banjo music they were playing.
"You can't call me that anymore Tana, I'm taller than you now."
Santana scrunches her nose because yes, it's true. Her not quite thirteen year old cousin is taller than her.
"You'll always be a midget to me." Her lips quirk up when she hears Anita giggling on the other end. "What you been up to, kid? You staying out of trouble?"
Her question sounds casual but her inquiry is serious. She always worries about her little cousin. She knows how easy it is to get caught up with the wrong crowd in Lima Heights and she doesn't want that happening to Anita. The kid has her older brother and Santana has made sure that Puck is looking out for her, as well as Mercedes, but she still worries. She wishes she could be around more.
Anita tells her all about how her basketball team is kicking ass – Santana sees a WNBA contract in her future, the kid is seriously talented – and then Santana tries to keep her interest when Anita tells her all about her friendship and boy dramas at school. She can't remember there being this much drama when she was that age…of course she was probably too busy hating everyone and trying not to make her leering at girls too obvious.
"Hey Tana?" Anita's voice is hesitant, drawing Santana's attention fully again.
"Yeah?"
"I miss you."
Santana's breath hitches a little and she closes her eyes, trying not to let her guilt overwhelm her. She hasn't been back to Lima in almost a year. She was supposed to go back over the holidays but she just couldn't go back there. Not with all the feelings that the arrival of her mum's letter had stirred up. She just wanted to escape it all.
"I miss you too, kid. I'm going to visit this summer. We can spend a lot of time together, yeah? So much time that you'll get sick of me."
"Okay."
Santana can hear the disappointment but also the hope in Anita's voice and it brings a small smile back to her lips.
-x-
That afternoon finds Santana sitting on the couch reading one of her textbooks while Brittany sits next to her editing her latest Fondue For Two episode on her laptop. But Santana's read the same page at least three times because she's still troubled by her conversation with Anita and all the emotions it's dragged up. Brittany notices, of course.
"You okay, baby? You've got your frowny face on and I know it's not from lunch because I totally rocked that stir fry."
The blonde grins and Santana appreciates her effort to lighten the mood.
"Best one you've made." Santana catches Brittany's eye and smiles, but it fades quickly as she bites her lip in thought. She closes her textbook and leans forward to dump it on the coffee table in front of her. "Anita called today."
"Is something wrong?"
"No, no," Santana answers, seeking to relieve Brittany's worry immediately. "She just said that she misses me and now I'm feeling guilty about not going back at Christmas. Then I was thinking about the whole letter thing…"
Brittany reaches for her hand and squeezes it while studying Santana's face. "What have you been thinking?"
"Everything," Santana breathes out, running her free hand over her face and through her hair. "I keep wondering if I made the right decision. Maybe I should have read it instead of throwing it away. Maybe there's something important in there. Although if there was you think she might try harder to contact me than sending one letter. Or maybe she thinks I didn't get it. Or I didn't care." Santana exhales a long breath and looks into her girlfriend's eyes almost pleadingly. She feels like she wants answers she's never going to get. Not since she threw that letter away. "Why do I care?"
Brittany's face frowns with concern and she lifts herself off the couch momentarily before sitting herself across the brunette's lap. A hand moves up to cup Santana's cheek and tanned hands instinctively settle on Brittany's hips.
"You care because you have a big heart. A bigger heart than you think you do. And because it still hurts you." The emotion swelling in her chest forces Santana's eyes away and Brittany's thumb brushes her cheek. "It's okay that it still hurts you."
"I thought I was over it."
"It's okay that you're not."
Santana sighs in frustration. "I want to be though. I don't want to care about what was in that letter. I don't want to keep wondering about it." She leans forward and buries her face in Brittany's neck, the familiar smell comforting her as much as the hands trailing through her hair. "I wish I'd read it."
Santana surprises herself with the revelation and nuzzles further into Brittany, wanting to hide. She'd kept that fucking letter for almost two months, alternately hiding it and then spending days on end staring at it, but in a slightly drunken state she'd decided to rid it from her life and had thrown it away without so much as opening it. That had been over four months ago. Santana had hoped that it would be out of sight out of mind, that once it was gone from her life she'd be able to forget about it, but it's been playing on her thoughts more and more. Maybe the anxiety about her future is contributing to it, but for whatever reason she can't let it go. Not just the letter, but also the hope that there's more to the story of her early life than she knows. Things about why her mother abandoned her. She thought she had let it go, but there's a last flickering ember of hope whether she wants it or not.
"I have something to tell you but you might be mad."
Santana tenses and pulls herself away from Brittany so that she can see her face. "Okay," she draws out hesitantly. "What is it?"
Brittany exhales a deep breath and Santana can see that she's nervous, her forehead wrinkling and her eyes darting between Santana's. Panic instantly buzzes through her body.
"I kept the letter."
Santana sucks in a breath and the blonde rushes to explain.
"I saw how torn up you were about it and then that night when you decided to throw it away you were pretty drunk and I didn't know if you'd regret it or not so I snatched it out of the bin while you weren't looking. Before you took the trash out. I kept thinking about how you might want to read it one day. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done it. And I should have told you sooner."
Her girlfriend looks so worried and contrite and Santana just blinks at her, too many thoughts running through her mind before she finally settles on one.
"Did you open it?"
"No!" Brittany almost shouts. "No of course not. I would never do that."
Santana nods, not quite sure what to think or what she's even feeling.
Brittany moves to slide off her lap but the hands on her hips hold her in place. Santana wants to stay close to her and the look of relief on Brittany's face tells her that the blonde wants that too.
"Are you mad?"
"I don't…I don't know. I feel like maybe I should be? But…I'm not. I think I'm…relieved maybe?"
Brittany brushes her hand through dark hair and Santana welcomes her touch. Feels it calming her a little. She takes a deep breath and makes a decision.
"I think I want to read it."
Brown eyes lock with blue and see that Brittany understands what she's asking for, the blonde kissing her softly before lifting herself off Santana's lap. Santana misses her warmth but watches her walk into the kitchen to the cabinets along the wall above the sink, leaning up on her toes to feel around on top of them where there's nothing but a lot of dust. And the letter, evidently.
Brittany pulls it down and makes her way back to the couch with it in both hands, cradling it gently before offering it to Santana whose heart starts to race as soon as her eyes land on it. As soon as she realises that this is real.
She wants to reach out for it but she can't and as usual Brittany seems to understand without her saying so, taking a seat next to Santana on the couch and resting the letter on her lap, one of her now free hands taking hold of one of Santana's.
Santana takes deep breaths, questioning again if she really wants to do this. But she knows she does. She's known it for months. She tried to ignore it but it hasn't gone away. She needs to know what's inside. She just doesn't know if she can read it.
"Can you…" she starts nervously, gaze lifting from the letter to sympathetic and loving blue eyes. "Can you read it to me?"
Brittany's eyes widen just the slightest bit before squeezing Santana's hand. "Are you sure?"
Santana answers with a nod, her bottom lip worrying between her teeth.
Brittany takes a deep breath before shaky hands pick up the envelope again and turn it over. Santana feels her heartbeat racing as she watches her work her pinkie finger under the seal and open it carefully, then reach in and slide the letter out.
"Wait."
Santana reaches a hand out to cover Brittany's, halting her efforts to unfold the letter. The blonde glances up, her face etched with worry and Santana swallows thickly.
"I think I want to read it."
Brittany gives her a small smile and hands the letter to her. Santana feels it between her fingers and the knot of anxiety in her gut tightens even more. She feels her hopes rising no matter how much she doesn't want them too and she hates it because she knows, she knows deep down that this letter holds nothing good for her. How can it possibly make any of what happened better? How can it possibly fix her painful past? But there's always that stupid fucking hope.
She can feel Brittany's eyes on her as she unfolds the letter carefully, noting that there's only one page. When it's unfolded completely the paper is filled with her mother's handwriting and it's overwhelming to see, bringing back too many memories. Like when she was learning to write in kindergarten and her mother would help her practice. Or seeing shopping lists stuck to the fridge. Or noticing how much her own handwriting mirrors it.
She tries to shake off the memories and raises her eyes to her girlfriend's again for some final encouragement and to remind herself that no matter what this letter contains, she doesn't have to deal with it alone.
Her eyes scan the words and with each sentence she reads she's surprised to feel them meaning less and less. Like this letter was written to someone else. By someone she doesn't know.
Finally she reaches the end and takes a second to breathe and calm her racing heart before letting her hands and the letter fall to her lap. She glances up to patient blue eyes.
"She found out through some of her old friends in Lima Heights that I'm at university and wanted to tell me that she's proud of me," Santana tells Brittany, her voice devoid of emotion. She thought it would mean more to her than it does, as little as it would coming from a stranger, which is practically what her mother is. "She's living in Arizona. Married to some guy named Ray. They have two kids."
That last part hurts, of course it does. She's been replaced, like she never existed, and the thought of it hurts.
But not as much as it did when she was twelve, crying herself to sleep every night waiting for her mother to come back. And not as much as it did when she was fourteen and got her period for the first time and didn't know who to talk to because she thought her aunt hated her. Not as much as it did when kids at school would tease her about being an orphan. Not as much as it did when she thought that she was alone in this world.
She lived through it though. She lived through it and look at what she has now. She has people who love her and have never abandoned her. People who are proud to know her. People she has proven wrong and gained the respect of like Mrs Pierce. People who aren't obliged by blood or law to love and support her but choose to like April.
And she has Brittany, whose love and loyalty and belief has never wavered.
"There's no return address so obviously she doesn't want me to contact her."
To her surprise Santana feels a lightness, almost like relief. But there's disappointment too. She realises that the mother she's been holding onto all these years doesn't exist. And maybe she never existed. At least not in the way that Santana's childhood memories recall her. And maybe she's never going to understand why her mother did what she did. And maybe part of her will always wonder. But reading this letter now Santana finally gets it. Finally realises that she was chasing a ghost. Holding onto something that doesn't exist anymore. Wanting answers she's never going to get. Answers that won't mean much in the end anyway. They won't change anything.
And it's surprisingly okay.
Brittany shuffles closer to her on the couch and wraps her up in a crushing hug. Santana can feel the love and concern and devotion and feels her body sink into it, her breathing slowing as her body centres itself again.
"She's not my family," she whispers in Brittany's ear. "You are."
.
.
Brittany sits on Santana's lap a lot in this chapter…apparently it's a thing I like?
So there you have it…one chapter left!
Thanks for reading and please leave a review if you feel like it!