'Oh, come off it James, you liked it when I did it the other night!'

'There's no way I liked that, Evans!'

'Evans? You're honestly calling me Evans?'

'You don't get a first name after that!'

Remus sighed, folded his copy of the Daily Prophet, laid it across the arm of his chair, and looked up the stairs to the boy's dormitory, where Lily and James appeared to be having more problems with the physical aspect of their relationship. Peter sat, gaping open-mouthed at the stairs, at the foot of the couch. From his spot sprawled across the couch, Sirius tossed an old quaffle up into the air.

'I don't know what Lily just did, but do you suppose it was as bad as the nipple thing?' Sirius asked, and Peter's hand flew up to cup his chest. Remus shuddered slightly.

'I don't know what's gone wrong, they used to snog just fine,' Remus ran a hand over his temples. 'I hate that I'm so curious. I shouldn't be curious, I should be appalled. I am appalled. But I'm also curious.'

'Do you suppose it's left over tension from all those years of annoying each other?' Peter asked, tilting his head to the side. Sirius thought this was very likely, and made a noise of agreement.

'Merlin's beard, those two have issues,' Sirius muttered.

As he said this, a sound like a number of objects being flung around traveled down the stairs, a door slammed, and Lily stormed down the stairs into the common room.

'You three!' She shouted, and Sirius threw his hands up, flinging the quaffle out an open window. 'I know you were listening.'

'You were shouting, Evans, I'm sorry!' Peter cried, and Lily turned on him.

'Well, now you gits are going to back me up.'

'Oh, Lily, we really aren't supposed to take sides..' Remus said, scratching his chin nervously. 'I mean, he's our best mate. And you're great as well..'

'I know about the nipple thing.'

'Bloody hell, Padfoot,' Remus said, rounding on Sirius. 'You just can't keep your mouth shut, can you?'

'Hey,' Sirius said indignantly, 'I didn't tell Lily about the nipple thing! I wanted to.. But I didn't!'

'Sorry, Remus,' Peter mumbled, and Remus rolled his eyes.

'So, are you going to help me, or what,' Lily asked, putting her hands on her hips and raising an eyebrow.

The three boys held a mostly silent conversation, largely consisting of a few vague hand gestures, a couple head movements, a bit of a growl from Sirius, some major eye rolling, and finally a group nod.

'Yeah, all right then,' Sirius said reluctantly. 'What happened?'

Lily moved to the couch and shoved Sirius' legs aside so she could sit down. 'All right, so we were snogging and it was going well. Like, really well. Brilliant, really, he's just started doing this thing where he-' Sirius threw his hand over Lily's mouth.

'No. I don't want to know what went well. It means nothing to me. What went horribly wrong?' Sirius gave Lily a meaningful look, and removed his hand slowly, and Remus put his head in his hands. 'Horribly. Wrong.'

'Fine, horribly wrong,' Lily said, and she leaned back against the arm of the couch. 'So, he's doing this thing that's good, and so I decide I'll do this other thing he really enjoyed when I did it the other night.'

'Is that the bit that made him shout at you?' Peter asked, leaning forward onto his elbows.

'Yes, that's the bit that made him shout,' Lily snapped at him, and he leaned back.

'Lily, that's the thing we want to know about,' Remus said carefully. Lily sighed and groaned a bit.

'He says I bit his tongue.'

'What do you mean, he says?' Sirius asked. 'Wouldn't both of you know if that happened?'

'I lightly grazed his tongue with my teeth, and he says I bit him,' Lily relied aggressively. 'I didn't bloody bite him.'

'Well I'd hope you didn't bite him bloody,' Sirius said, and then burst out laughing. Remus and Peter watched him with an air of regret, wondering where they went wrong with him. He laughed for a good moment longer before trailing off, and coughing awkwardly. 'Sorry, right, go on..'

'Thank you. So he says I bit him. But I know I didn't, because I did it just like I did before. And he never said I bit him that time!' Lily huffed and crossed her arms. 'I mean, really! You'd think I'd know if I bit him. Which I didn't!' Sirius and Remus gave each other a look.

'Well, um, how did you do it?' Peter asked, and Remus leapt off the chair at him.

'No!' he shouted, causing Lily and Sirius to jump. 'Don't you dare, Wormtail. Don't you dare! We are not letting them demonstrate more of this nonsense on us!'

'Oh, gross!' Lily said, standing up. 'That's disgusting, Peter. I can't believe you.'

'You know, Evans,' Sirius said, draping his arm across the back of the couch. 'As Prongs' best mate, I'd be willing to sacrifice myself to a demonstration. For the good of the team.'