Disclaimer: See chapter 1

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William Reid sat in Dr. Beverly Raymond's office in the main building at Leavenworth. It was a sparse office, nothing like you'd see in high rises where they billed $250 an hour. Here there was a dark old wooden desk with a comfortable swivel chair. An armchair sat opposite upholstered in dull grey tweed. There was no need to offer a comfortable lavish setting to relax the client and entice him to come back. Visits to this office were court ordered and the patients Dr. Raymond saw had nowhere else to go. William stood and went to the window that looked out over the yard, as they called it. Through the bars he could see part of the vast grounds that housed Leavenworth; the guard tower to the north, its inhabitants ever vigilant of the prisoners' movements and all the other comings and goings; and lastly, the massive wall that surrounded the complex. He heard the door open and Dr. Raymond bustled in. She wore a navy blue pant suit with a cream colored blouse and flat loafers. She was a tall woman who had no need for heels.

"Good morning William, I'm sorry to be late. Traffic was brutal this morning for some reason." She set her briefcase on the floor beside her chair and removed her purse from her shoulder, opened the zipper and took out her glass case. "Shall we get started," she said as she sat in the swivel chair and opened a drawer to retrieve a legal pad to take notes.

William turned from the window and made his way to the armchair. "How have you been," she asked?

There was silence for a moment then William said, "I brought something for you to read. I've had it for a while and I took it out and reread it last night. I guess it's time I talk about it." He reached into his pocket and removed the letter and handed it to the psychiatrist.

Beverly Raymond looked at the envelope. "This is one of the letters from your daughter-in-law," she asked? William nodded as she removed the papers from the envelope and unfolded them. She put her glasses on and began to read. There was silence in the room, which seemed to be amplified by the incessant ticking of the clock on the wall. Finally, she put the papers down and said nothing for a few moments. William watched her closely as she swallowed a couple of times. "Well," she said quietly, "I can see why that would get to you. Had you any idea that your son went through any of these things?"

"I knew that he'd been the target of some bullying before I left but I didn't think it was anything major. You know, the boys will be boys kind of thing. It seemed like there were more important things going on. Dianna's mind was failing. My life was falling apart. I didn't think some bullies at school were a priority."

"Your daughter-in-law doesn't specify but bullying that leaves lasting scars is usually serious," the doctor told him. "He's done very well to get through all this intact. These other things are really terrible aren't they? I don't wonder that he still has nightmares. Your daughter-in-law sounds like a lovely person. I think her correspondence with you is done with your son's best interests at heart. Her words are harsh at the end and there is, of course, truth there, but her hormones may play a part in that as well."

William nodded. "Is there anything I can do to try and make it right? I sent a card and letter to their wedding, I told you that, and Allie has been nice enough to respond but nothing from Spencer."

"The fact that Allie and Evan are both corresponding with you is a good sign. They may both be able to influence Spencer. Also, the fact that you feel Spencer has asked his father-in-law to act on his behalf with your friend Chico's grandmother tells me that his father-in-law is on board as well. I think that act, in itself, demonstrates that he still cares. He may not yet be able to reach out and include you in his life but in the deepest corner of his heart, he has done what he could to ensure your welfare while you're here. You've told me in the past that that gives you hope."

"Allie's right, I should have been there. I don't think I could have stopped any of that…that…" his fingers pointed to the letter that lay opened on Dr. Raymond's desk, "torture, but at least I could have been some support for him. I wasn't there and now he's got a wife, his brother and Allie's family. He has no need of me now."

Beverly Raymond was silent for a moment, her elbows on her desk and her chin resting on her laced fingers. "Tell me, do you have any pictures of Spencer?"

"I told you about the one the guard printed for me and Allie sent me a wedding picture of the wedding party and one of Spencer, Evan and herself," he answered.

"That's not what I mean," the psychiatrist clarified. "When you left your wife and son, did you take any pictures of Spencer with you?"

"A few, why," William asked, looking a bit bewildered?

"Why did you take them? You were leaving that life behind. Why take pictures?"

"Well, I never thought about why, I just did," William replied.

"Where are they now," she asked?"

"They're in storage with a bunch of old documents. I don't know why I took them. I never looked at them. They were part of an old life I was trying to forget."

"Really, I wonder why you just didn't throw them out then. You kept them buried in the recesses of your life, never looked at them but for some reason you couldn't part with them."

"I…I couldn't," he responded. "Somehow, I couldn't bring myself to throw him away like garbage."

"But you left him," she continued to probe. "You don't see that as the same thing?"

"I had to leave. I couldn't stand it in that house anymore. Do you know what it's like living with someone with schizophrenia? It's hell. And I couldn't handle it. Dianna wanted me to take Spencer but I couldn't," he paused for a moment as Dr. Raymond looked skeptical. "Okay, it's not that I couldn't, I wouldn't. I wanted a new life away from Dianna and I knew if I had Spencer I'd always be drawn back to her because he'd want to know how she was. He cared about Dianna and Spencer would never toss people aside like I did. He seemed to be able to handle her disease better than I could, even at ten. It's not that I didn't care, it was that she was no longer the woman I married."

"So, you left Spencer with your wife so you wouldn't be drawn back into that life," the doctor said. "Didn't you ever wonder how he was doing?"

"At first I did but then I met Janice and we got married and I was happy again. My old life seemed to just fade away. Then Evan was born. That was the last time I looked at my pictures of Spencer. I put the pictures away. I knew I hadn't been a good father to him but Evan was my second chance, a do over if you will. I vowed to be a good father to Evan. And I thought I was until…"

"Evan got sick," Dr. Raymond finished for him.

William nodded. "It was like déjà vu, another sick family member, losing ground every day and nothing I could do. I began to feel cursed, like I couldn't escape this." The clock ticked mockingly as the room was again silent. "Aren't you going to say anything about what an awful person I am?"

"No," Dr. Raymond responded. "That's not my job. My job is to get to the bottom of the issues that ended with you trying to shoot your son. The rest, I'm afraid, you'll have to work out with your own conscience."

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Reid opened the front door that evening to the sound of voices. As he climbed the stairs he heard laughter, some adult baby talk and little goos from his daughter. At the top of the stairs he found they had visitors. Janice, Evan and Bethany sat around the living room. Janice held Joanna in her arms. "Hi honey," Allie jumped to her feet to kiss her husband. Spencer held her tightly.

"Hi Janice," he said when he and Allie broke apart, "Long time no see."

"I had to come and get a look at my step granddaughter. She's beautiful Spencer."

"She is that," he agreed. He turned and headed for the bedroom and returned a few minutes later minus his sidearm.

"Oh oh," Janice said, "I think daddy wants his little girl. We have to get going anyway," she looked down shyly, "I've uh…got a date tonight."

"A date, Janice that's great, I'm glad you're getting out again," Allie responded.

"I just got here and you guys are taking off already," Reid exclaimed.

"Well, big brother, if you'd get home from work a little earlier, we've been here for a couple of hours," Evan told him.

"Oh, okay, next time come when you can stay for dinner," he said as he took Joanna from Janice.

Allie saw the threesome to the door while Spencer rocked his daughter in his arms, walking around the room with her. When Allie reached the top of the stairs she saw her husband looking at the contents of the dining room table where she'd been putting pictures of the baby in the photo album. "What," he spat out, "Is the meaning of this?"