Best read following Chapter 1 of Seirios Aster's fic, 'Some Nights'.

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Torture Me

"Because I'm happy to be sad; I want it all, I want it bad ... Oh oh it's all I know [...] Torture me and torture me ... It's forcing me, so Torture Me, please." ~ Red Hot Chili Peppers

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"No - argh! Why isn't anyone listening to me!? Dammit!" Sirius bellowed across the hospital, trying to shake off the medwitch that was attempting to convince him to lie down. But he wasn't having it; they all thought he was barking mad, and that was only because they'd checked his blood alcohol content level when he'd been brought in and hadn't found enough to blame inebriation. As soon as he'd come to, he'd apparently started calling for his brother - they'd tried to sedate him, but he wasn't having that either.

Honestly, he knew in retrospect that making a scene in St. Mungo's wasn't the best course of action, but he hadn't been in his right mind when he woke. He hadn't even realized time had passed since he'd fallen unconscious ... Which is probably why he immediately started flailing around and calling his brother's name. But, hindsight is 20/20 and all that, and at this point it didn't much matter anyway.

"Please, Mr. Black, you really need to-"

"Sirius! Mate!" The dark haired hospital patient nearly jumped half a foot at the sudden loud noise that translated itself into a voice that was saying words after a tense, terror-wracked second. Not his fault though; increased startle reflex was courtesy of that wonderful Cruciatus his cousin had bestowed upon him. Shaking, he turned towards the door and saw that the source was none other than one James Potter, with Remus and Lily in tow. "Come on now - what's all this about?"

"Oh thank Merlin, someone reasonable," Sirius said with a slightly over-dramatic sigh, pressing a shaking hand to his face. Remus took the medwitch aside to speak with her as James and Lily came closer to him. He knew the look he was getting from both of them, and he knew it meant explain now, and it better be a damn good story.

... So he did; nothing really to lose after all ...

Alright, so perhaps he fudged a few details, such as the exact point at which he first saw Bellatrix, but the gist of the tale remained the same. He ran into Bella, she had friends, the three of them started throwing hexes, somehow a rogue crucio had been tossed his way, and just before the Wizard Cops showed up, someone had kept Bella away from him before she'd managed to do worse ... And that someone had gotten close enough for him to see their face.

"Sirius ..." James shoved a hand in his messy black hair and sighed. His heart fell when he heard that tone; James didn't believe him. Honestly, if he stopped and thought about it ... it didn't really sound like a particularly sane claim, all things considered ... But Sirius wasn't in it for the sanity or lack thereof - he knew what he'd seen, even if it had only been for a split second.

"Really, James? Come on - I'm not crazy. I know what I saw," the dark hair hospital patient sighed heavily and collapsed back onto the pillows, sliding down slightly on the bed he'd been stationed on. His friend shook his head.

"No, Sirius - mate I didn't say that," the stag animagus immediately responded, putting his hand up. "I just think ... Listen, maybe we should just get you home, alright? You've been through a lot ... I know you hate it here ... " Leaning closer, he added softly from the corner of his mouth, "and if Bellatrix was really trying to abduct you, the Order should probably know." The brunet ... hadn't really considered that side of it - but then, he had just been hospitalized for being on the receiving end of an Unforgivable, so it really wasn't any surprise he hadn't been doing much thinking. Except about Reg. A lot. Because he'd seen him. He had. At least ... he thought he had.

"Prongs," Remus said quietly, waking over; Sirius hadn't noticed that he'd re-appeared. "They've agreed to let him go ... You two should go and collect Harry. I think I can get Pads home in one piece." The unsaid implication being that they have a family to tend to, and it was important they do so. However, clearly James, while not exactly opposed to the suggestion, was torn. One of his best mates was temporarily hospitalized, but he needed to go get his son. They didn't know if this was an isolated incident or not; what if the Death Eaters were going after supposed Order members or something?

"James - I can get Harry myself, and-"

"No," Sirius interrupted Lily before she could finish her sentence and waving a hand, "Rems is right - both of you go get him and go home. I'll be fine - just need to go to bed and sleep for about a week." And have a stuff drink. Hell, a bottle of stiff drinks, since we're wishing. James glanced back and forth between wife and his mate for a long moment before he let out a breath and relented.

"Alright; but if you need anything - anything Sirius - you let me know, ok?"

"Yes mum - promise I'll take out the trash and clean my room after supper too," the eldest Black son said with a good-natured eye roll. James grinned and without warning reached out, put a hand on Sirius' head, and fuzzing it back and forth wildly for a moment. When he stopped, the hospital patient's hair looked almost as disheveled as James'. Almost.

"There's a good lad - glad I can count on you, my boy," he said, dodging as the dog animagus swiped at him with a laugh. Sirius made a face at him in response, but it didn't last too long in lieu of the smile that was creeping up on his face. Even when he was in the hospital, leave it to his friends to try and get him to cheer up - and usually succeed.

"Alright - come on then ..." Moony said after Lily had shooed James away from Sirius and the two of them had left. The black haired twenty-one year old nodded, making a valiant effort to stand on his own, despite the shaking ... And he mostly succeeded. Remus didn't move to touch him, or help him stand up, mostly because he knew that the Cruciatus victim wouldn't appreciate it, but he stayed nearby in case his services as a walking stick were required.

"They said they want to talk to you," the tawny haired male mentioned as they made their way out of St. Mungo's at a slow pace, "they're letting it alone for now, but I think they're going to investigate this further before they leave off on you."

Well, wasn't that just swell? Exactly what he needed; Crouch Sr. all over again - this time he'd probably decide that it had been staged to otherwise try and somehow clear his guilt over having murdered his brother. Because clearly he had done that. Which is why they investigated him as one of their primary suspects when Reg's death had been uncovered. Sirius ...? You going somewhere? The brunet shook his head, putting his hand to it with a quiet curse.

"I'm fine." He shook Remus' hand off irritably when he felt his friend try to steady him; he was fine. Really. He just needed sleep. And to drink. Possibly some 'stress relief'. Or some combination of those activities.

It didn't take long for them to get back to Sirius' flat - side long apparition seemed like a bad plan because of the recent hospital patient's condition, so somehow the Knight Bus had been suggested ... Retrospectively apparition might have been the safer, less unsettling choice, as Sirius nearly had two panic attacks and almost sicked all over the seats in front of them a few times as well ... But either way, they were dropped off within a reasonable distance of their ultimate destination, and neither were too much worse for the wear ... Sirius might've been shaking harder than he had been at the wizarding hospital, but who was to say for sure?

Once they had climbed the stairs and gotten into his apartment, which while not particularly difficult was a bit slow-going, Moony opened the door with they key that Sirius had given him when he'd first moved in and ushered him inside. The disinherited heir to the Moste Noble and Unfortunately Unmedicated House of Black just wanted to go to bed and sleep forever. But the bed was so far away; it was all the way across the living room and into the next room over. He didn't think he could make it; and the couch was closer to him. Yeah; couch - that was an acceptable place to collapse, right? It seemed his feet made the decision for him, because they started moving of their own accord in that direction ...

"Sirius ... ... I know you went looking for Bellatrix," Remus said quietly from behind him as he started walking. His tone was simple; sad, almost. The newly twenty-one year old paused, almost as if he were stunned, and the werewolf continued, "I mean, I didn't know you were going after her, or I wouldn't have just let you go - but I knew you were agitatded, and that you were trying to get rid of James and Lily and I ..." Oh Merlin he's apologizing, was all Sirius could think, and sure enough, the next sentence was, "mate, I should have stopped you - I dunno, made you come with us to the broomsticks or something ..."

"Moony - just stop," Sirius put his head in his hands and fairlly collapsed on his slightly dilapidated, albeit very comfortable couch. He'd interrupted before the other occupant of the room was able to actually say what he was meaning to say. "Face it - I'm an idiot that went looking for a fight when I knew there was one to be had in spades. I didn't realize there would be quite that much trouble, but I shouldn'tve been chasing my crazy cousin around in the first place."

"You're still grieving your brother," Remus will say with a small shrug, as if it wasn't something that could be helped. "We all know you blame Bellatrix, whether directly or indirectly." The brunet snorted, laying back on the couch and covering his face with a shaking arm. He felt irrationally annoyed at that response for some reason; it didn't make sense - honestly he should be glad that he wasn't getting his ear chewed off (metaphorically, of course). He was almost ... maddeningly frustrated by it.

"Sirius ... What do you want me to say?" Remus asked after a pause; he recognized his friend's apparent displeasure, but couldn't find anything wrong with what he'd said ... He watched the dark haired twenty-something, loosely crossing his arms and leaning against the armchair he was standing next to.

"I ... I don't know - be mad at me," he suggested, voice raising a little, "call me crazy, do something other than stand there and look at me!" Remus sighed; honestly Sirius expected yelling - though, previous a few months ago the blond had never yelled at him before, not really. Even when he had nearly exposed his friend's secret because he had been angry and said something stupid ... So he shouldn't really have expected it now. The werewolf was usually soft-spoken, which was an ironic contrasting statement, unless it was sometime near the full moon. And currently, it was not.

"Listen - Pads," he started, sitting down on the couch next to Sirius, "... I admit that what you're saying - about seeing Regulus, I mean - sounds crazy ... ... But it doesn't matter what I think; it matters what you think." Blue-gray eyes watched the werewolf questioningly, but he didn't say anything - just waited for Remus to continue. "If you think you saw your brother, maybe you did - stranger things have happened." Sirius was ... completely floored, honestly; it likely showed on his face, especially when his mouth fell open slightly. "I mean, personally I'm pretty sure it was some sort of delirious fever-dream induced by the Unforgiveable, but whatever you think it was is fine too."

The tone of voice made Sirius laugh, and it wasn't a bitter one, which surprised him; he knew Remus was teasing now, trying to get him to lighten up a bit. Glancing at a clock on the wall, the Dog Star was surprised to see the time; it was much later than he thought. Then again, he reasoned, we did bugger off all afternoon in Diagon Alley, and I've no idea how long I was in St. Mungo's, so ...

"You should probably go and get some sleep yourself," he mentioned, moving his arm off of his face the rest of the way to look at the tawny haired werewolf that was sitting by his feet. At the suggestion, Remus paused, much like James did in the hospital when they mentioned that he and Lily should go. Only in this case, it was likely that Remus didn't want to leave Sirius alone, but didn't want him to think he was being coddled either.

"Alright - alright," he eventually relented, holding his hands up, "I'm going. You just ... ... Sleep or something, ok mate?" The brunet sighed heavily.

"Yes mum; didn't realized I had two - what will the kids at school think when they find out 've got a couple of lezzers for-" he cut his own sentence off with an 'oof' when he was properly beaned in the face with a folded up blanket.

"Just shut up and go to sleep, Pads."

"Sirius ...? You going somewhere?" the confused voice made the freshly turned sixteen year old pause in the middle of throwing a wadded up shirt into the bag he had on the floor. Most of the shite in his room he could leave behind - the things he could be arsed about bringing with him he was cramming in a bag.

The brunet recovered from his pause nearly seamlessly, picking up another handful of clothes out of the drawer and dropping it unceremoniously into the thing he was packing. Yes, packing. As in packing to go away.

"Reg," he muttered, "thought you were in your room reading. Or out with Crouch. Or something." He didn't turn to face his brother as he kept shoving things haphazardly from his bureau into the satchel. The implication was that Regulus should go back to doing one of those things. Or anything else. Just stop being here.

"... Going to visit that Gryffendor friend of yours ...?" there wasn't any accusation or disapproval, or anything negative in his tone really; honestly Sirius knew that he probably just couldn't remember James' name off the cuff. But for some reason, most likely because of the fight he'd just gotten into with his mother, who was having a worse day than normal, the question completely infuriated him.

"Yeah - right; my Gryffendor friend," he snapped, "that's what he is. What I am - you know; a failure." No - stop it; you don't mean that. You're just putting mum's words in his mouth; what she'd been screaming at him for years, ever since he'd been sorted into that house. Reg had never said that; probably would never say that, leastwise not to your face, you idiot.

"What? Sirius, I -"

"Save it Reg; I don't want to hear it," Sirius nearly growled, "in fact, I'm sick of hearing all of you lot and what you think of my friends and I! I just - I'm not hearing it. Any more." No - you don't mean that; you're just mad. Apologize - tell him you didn't mean it; tell him something. Don't make him think he's contributing to this! You're just mad at mum for picking fights with you when she's having one of her crazy fits - mad at dad for never being around to break up the abuse; mad in general. At everything. Except Reg; you're not mad at him. So don't take this out on him. Please; stop ... But he couldn't stop himself - he knew where this was going, and he was a helpless spectator, watching as he picked up his bag and crammed a few more things into it heatedly.

"Right," he said as he shoved the last of the things he could see that he wanted from his room - the trunk he took to Hogwarts was still packed for the most part, so he'd only had to collect up a few other personal affects - now he'd just throw everything on the motorbike and he'd be gone. Good thing she'd never made good on her threats to blow it to bits or worse - Merlin but he was sick of hearing that out of her. But that was just it though, wasn't it? He was sick of her yelling at him about everything under the bleeding sun that struck her fancy. And he was even more sick of accepting excuses; oh - mum's having a bad day, so it's not her fault she said that. Da's got to work late tonight, Mr. Crouch's asked him to stay a bit longer, that's why he wasn't here when she threw that statue at you and gave you a black eye - Mum's hallucinating again and thought you were dad, just try to forget what happened. Mum this, da that. Excuses excuses excuses. He was just sick of all of it.

"W-what - wait; Sirius, what do you mean ...?" the tone in Reg's voice made Sirius stop and freeze in his thoughts; he knew it would. It always did. The strap of the bag he'd picked up was loosely hanging from his fingers ... Just put it down; apologize - tell him you're not going anywhere. Tell him you're just angry; you're just going to visit James for the weekend to cool off - tell him something. Hell, tell him anything ...

"You're a smart lad; read between the lines." ... But not that. Don't say that.

"This is all your fault, Sirius..." Wait ... that ... That wasn't what Reg was meant to say ... He was supposed to stand there in silence - and take off after him when Sirius left the room; that's when he spoke again ... Sirius wasn't sure if he was watching himself turn, or if he himself was turning - but he did hear his voice ask,

"... what ...?" In a tone that mirrored the confusion he felt at the break in pattern ...

And then he saw what was behind him.

He fell off the couch screaming, attempting to flail his arms and just ending up hitting his head on the way down, probably on the coffee table. Once he stopped exercising his lungs and calmed the fuck down, he realized that his miscalculation laid in the fact that he was tangled in the blanket he'd been covered with earlier.

Roughly freeing himself from his bindings, he stayed on the floor, running his fingers irritably through his sweaty hair half way before grabbing the stringy strands at the roots and putting his elbows on his knees.

Once his heart felt like it was going to stop trying to crack his ribs, he sighed shakily, and sorely wished he hadn't finished off that Firewhiskey when he'd woken up.

He needed a drink.

The End ...?