Best read following Chapter 4 of Seirios Aster's Some Nights, titled "New Ways to Fall Apart"

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Snow (Hey Oh)

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"The more I see the less I know the more I'd like to let it go - hey oh, woah... " ~Red Hot Chili Peppers

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Sirius Orion Black was shaking, and not because of the chill in the early June air. Which was an oxymoron in and of itself, which pretty much normally described the brunet's life on a regular basis. He had his hands in his pockets, and was walking brusquely through Diagon Alley, simply because he didn't know what else to do. In fact, he thought he had probably already done more than bloody enough – what had he been thinking? Of course Remus would think he was a nutter after he told the werewolf why he was so opposed to moving. He could afford the apartment he lived in by himself (only just barely, but whatever), without the help of four roommates, so he had always just ignored that other small, nagging thought in the back of his head. What if he wasn't dead? Just because he's not there doesn't mean he's not there … There was always that one in a million chance that he was just hiding out or something – had escaped from the fate he otherwise might've suffered, and was just wandering around with no place to go or hell even amnesia …

Yeah; it sounded pathetic, he knew that full well. Which is why he had never really let himself think it directly, even though the idea had occurred to him. And he had felt even more pathetic and crazy when he had yelled it at Moony; he hadn't meant to let it slip, not really – he had just been angry at what his friend had said, so he had just said what came to mind. Which had ended in a buggering disaster of his own breeding, but of course that was his fault too. Just like everything else.

"Sirius…? You going somewhere?"

"Nope; just wandering around with my head up my arse, Reg," he muttered quietly with a shake of his head as he eventually found his way to the Three Broomsticks. Being around a mob of people was the last thing the Eldest and Moste Well-Adjusted Black wanted to do, but he unsurprisingly decided he needed a drink, only further proving what the werewolf had been yelling at him earlier correct. Not that this irony escaped him, nor did Sirius Black give any sort of a fuck either way.

"Can I get a shot of Beetle Berry (1) with a butterbeer chaser?" Sitting down on a stool at the bar as he ordered, Sirius sighed, resisting the urge to put his forehead on the bar in front of him. Great job mate; not only is your family either dead or barking mad, but now you've chased off one of your oldest friends. What's next? Telling Lil to shove it? Yeah; that'll go over real well, you sod. The self-deprecating thoughts were so loud and distracting that he missed the raised eye the man standing behind the bar gave him.

"Sure I can't interest you in some Mc. Spratts or summit?" Sirius shook his head at the question; he needed a little more than carbonated spell water. "Mate, it's 10 in the bleeding morning …" The voice trailed off when Sirius looked up at him; he must have looked like absolute hell, because he was no longer questioned. The only response he received was a sigh before a glass was put in front of him and was filled with a familiar caramel colored liquid. The second glass filled with the butterbeer he'd requested as well, and he took the smaller cup in his hand and looked at it. This is really what his life had been reduced to. Fermented grains of any sort; whatever he could pour down his throat, so he couldn't remember the rest of what was going on. James was right, if he'd told Moony that, and he probably had. A lot of mornings started with a few swigs out of the bottle; if he was feeling particularly fancy for some reason he might mix up a Bloody Mary or something for a spicy kick when he crawled out of bed but … Either way more often than not his breakfast included, if not was entirely comprised of, booze.

What would Reggie think if he could see his idiot big brother now? Well, that was easy; he would think his big brother was an idiot. Case solved. He'd probably be disappointed, and call him stupid for doing largely over his death but … It wasn't like he was purposely wasting away or anything. It was just … the routine he was falling into, that's all. And now with the resurgence of his brother, or at least the hallucination of his face the day previous, things were just slowly getting worse. Not helping was the disappearance of the bottles and some of the mess in his apartment; the more he thought about it, the more he thought that it couldn't have been Remus … But if it wasn't him, then who could it have been?

His brain offered up an answer as he tossed back the whiskey and started in on the glass of beer, pointedly ignoring it and his still violently shaking hand that almost spilled the alcohol all over his face. The idea was crazy, Remus was right; Regulus was dead … Wasn't he …?

The more evidence he saw that something could be happening, the less he knew what was real and what was probably a delusion. It would have scared most people, but not Sirius. No no; Sirius Orion Black was too stubborn for that – far too headstrong. If he thought that his brother was alive, even if thinking back on it he clearly sounded like he needed to be locked up in an asylum of some kind, then he wasn't going to let it go. Every time something went unexplained or was suspect, he'd think it was Reg. It would never end. He couldn't let it go even if he wanted to.

Staring at the now half-gone beer, he sighed again. This wasn't going to accomplish anything except maybe starting him off for an all-day drinking binge. Not that it was any matter, but he didn't have any booze left in the apartment anyway, so it wasn't like he could continue his liquid diet as it was. Hence the reason he'd attempted to eat cereal that morning – he didn't really have a choice.

Tossing a few galleons on the counter to cover the drinks and a tip, since he wasn't a barbarian, he stood, finishing off the butterbeer and setting the glass down before turning and leaving. He needed to do something else; he didn't know what, but he needed a song change on the depressing sound track of his life.

Blue eyes skimmed around Knockturn Alley as he wandered through it. Now, you might think that this was the most foolish plan that was ever foolish, going to one of the places that death eaters, particularly his cousin Bellatrix, were often spotted. And at the same time, he couldn't stay away. If he in fact had seen his brother … Then maybe he'd see him again. Or, more likely, if he had seen someone that looked like his brother, perhaps he would see that person again and he would at least feel a little better …? It was a long shot, but it was all he had to go on at the moment, and it was better than sinking half the week's pay into an afternoon of binging.

Wandering around, as per usual the place was pretty deserted, in direct contrast to Diagon Alley, whence he had just come. The change was actually a little nice, if you could get past the chill of dark magic that was permeating the air, that is. The saddest part was that it really didn't bother Sirius that much; he was from an old wizarding family, and it included Bellatrix to boot. Exposure to Dark Magic was like watching Saturday Morning cartoons as far as he was concerned; apparently that was a normal, muggle thing to do according to Lily …

The thought trailed off as he saw someone ahead of him, and the best way to describe their movement was scurrying … He knew that posture, and therefore most likely that person …

"Wormtail?" he called after the silhouette, which paused at the sound. Picking up his pace slightly, he said a little louder, "oi – Wormy, is that you?" As he got closer he saw that it was indeed the fourth Maurader, nervously looking around, as he was prone to doing. It was hard to tell sometimes if the behavior was something that reflected his animagus form, or if spending so much time in his animagus form at Hogwarts had caused him to develop the habit.

"What are you doing here?" he asked as he caught up, hands in the pockets of the coat he was wearing, which was becoming largely unnecessary as the day wore on and it became warmer outside. Peter seemed very surprised to see him; in fact, he almost seemed more nervous than normal as he responded. But then again, he was wandering around in the middle of Knockturn Alley, a place where normal, respectable wizards feared to tread, and avoided on a regular basis. Which made it all the more strange to see him there…

"S-Sirius?! I thought you were in St. Mungo's!" At the statement, the black haired male blinked – he had only been in the hospital for a little while the day before. But then again, Peter hadn't been there, so how would he have known …? "I heard about what happened and … I wanted to help. I thought maybe if I looked around the scene …" Blue eyes blinked in even more confused at what he was being told.

"… Peter, it happened at the other end," he pointed out, lifting up a hand while it was still in his jacket pocket and pointing. "Over near Tallow and Hemp's." Peter paled slightly, almost like he had been caught in a lie; Sirius shook his head. The fourth maurader was always prone to overreacting, especially when he thought he was going to get into trouble or something. It was almost comical.

"Well I didn't say I knew most of the details! I just …" Sirius couldn't help smiling and putting a hand on his friend's shoulder to reassure him. Sure, he wasn't an auror or anything, and that made it even more touching that Peter had wanted to try and help the situation out if he could. Leave it to his friends to care so much it almost completely cowed him - and usually succeed. He was always like that though; when they were working on the Map at Hogwarts, Wormtail was always the first to offer to explore, even though he was slightly claustrophobic. He just wanted to help any way he could, and being the smallest animagus present, he had really been instrumental in their work …

Absently, Sirius tilted his head to the side and glanced at the nervous member of the group; honestly Wormtail tried to give too much. He was always doing things for other people, and it got him walked on a lot. Prongs and he had tried to coach him on being more assertive and standing up for himself, and the lessons had paid off a little for a while … But ever since they had graduated he had started to become more and more distant. Sure they were all busy with work and the Order and everything, but they never saw much of him any more – that's why he had been so surprised to see him there. It was good to know that he still cared about them, not that Sirius had ever really questioned it, but it would be best to put Peter's mind at rest, and hopefully quell any anxiety about Sirius being completely loony if possible.

"I appreciate it mate … Really," he squeezed Peter's shoulder for emphasis on that point, because he really did, "but there's no mystery to solve; Bellatrix was here, I tailed her, and she had set up a trap with Rabastan and Rudlophus. We fought a little, but the Wizard Cops came and they left before they could be apprehended. Open and shut – nothing else to investigate." There was a pause before Wormtail nodded, seeming to take this explanation without question.

"A-Alright Sirius … If you're sure …?" The black haired one-and-twenty year old nodded definitively; he especially didn't want Peter walking around here when there were Death Eaters that would take advantage of a sole Order member snooping around, especially if there was a group of them. He shuddered to think what might happen if Bellatrix and her cronies got a hold of him or something …

"Definitely. Nothing to worry about. And hey – your birthday's coming up; stop worrying so much about me and worry about you. I'm sure you've been busy with work." Wormtail looked stricken, almost like Sirius had slapped him across the face, and while he stood there trying to puzzle out what he'd said wrong, Peter let him in on it.

"Sirius - your brithday! I completely forgot! Mate, I'm really sorry!" Sirius immediately put a hand up to interrupt him, feeling terrible that he had even said anything about birthdays. He had completely forgotten that if Wormtail's was coming up, then that meant that his had just passed, so he just shook his head.

"Wormy - don't worry about it! In fact I totally forgot myself; I should learn to stop opening my idiot mouth before thinking or I wouldn't even have brought it up." He'dve said more, but he trailed off a little as he noticed Wormtail looking at his shaking hand. Fucking Bellatrix and her fucking Cruciatus. Hastily shoving his hand back into his pocket, he continued with, "anyway, I'm going to get going - you should too. No telling what nasty Death Eaters are hanging around in these parts ..."

Peter laughed awkwardly at the statement, probably just realizing himself that it could be very dangerous to be wandering around in Knockturn Alley alone, and nodded. "Right - I'll see you later then?"

"Definitely; you and I and the rest should all get together for dinner or something. It's been a long time, Wormtail." Pulling out his wand, he paused a sudden yell.

"Sirius!" Blinking, he tilted his head and looked a little sideways at his friend. Peter's face was unusually earnest; it almost seemed like there was something really important he wanted to tell the black haired male. Waiting patiently for him to follow up the expletive of Sirius' name with something, Wormtail awkwardly stood there, looking at the week older male for a long, long moment ... And then, it almost seemed like whatever it was he thought better of it, instead sighing and shaking his head, breaking eye contact to look down at the ground and not at Sirius' face for whatever reason.

"Nothing just ... shut up and go home, Pads," Peter murmured in the usual style; it had become something the Mauraders and Lily had started saying to him at some point during the later years at Hogwarts; 'just shut up and black, Pads.' Usually because he had some hair brained scheme or because he didn't want to do something and Lily or Remus thought it was important (ie. normally that meant school work of some sort). He couldn't help but smile at the statement; same old Wormtail.

"I am, I am ..." Raising the wand, he flashed the smaller male another smile and aparated away, focusing a bit so that he didn't splinch himself or anything in the process. He was nowhere even approaching drunk enough for it to be a concern, but it the extra concentration wouldn't hurt; after all, he was sufficiently distracted by the situation with a possible reappearance of his brother, even if it was some sort of paranoid delusion.

Les than a minute after the resounding Bang that signaled his departure, a slow, slightly bored, irritated voice issued from behind the nervous, lone maurader.

"Pettigrew, you disgusting little creature, would you mind explaining why, precisely, you allowed my dear cousin to escape ... Rather than following through on the plan?"

Blue eyes swept over the apartment absently before a rhythmic taptaptaptaping caught his attention. It appeared there was an owl on the windowsill, though he had no idea how long it had been there or anything. Sirius did however notice that it was an owl from work; they only had a few, and only one breed was used to send messages inter-departmentally, so it wasn't a huge leap to figure out. Sighing and opening the window, he absently noted that there was nothing pink about it, so at the very least he probably wasn't being fired. That was a good sign; as it was he was probably on thin ice due to his performance in the past six or so months ...

Taking the scrolled up message on the bird's foot, it didn't stay to wait for a response or anything; the brunet watched as it took off out of the still ajar window, nodding his head slightly. "Alright, so it's a one way message whatever it is ..." he thought to himself absently as he unfurled it to see what it said. Skimming it absently, his dark eyebrows raised. He was being given a leave of absence from work due to his recent hospitalization, and he was to check in at St. Mungo's and send a status update to give an idea according to the healers as to when he would be alright to return to work.

Great.

So now, he got to sit alone at home and stare at four walls and alcohol for the next however the fuck long because his cousin was raging kidnapping psychopath. If the Order told him not to come to the next meeting or something, which was scheduled in a few days, he was just going to go insane. Stir-crazy didn't even begin to cover what he knew he was going to go through - especially if he was thinking about his brother the entire time. Which he most certainly would be. Even if he didn't want to.

Running his hand through his hair irritably and sighing through his nose, Sirius glanced at the couch, then at the window, then towards his bedroom, trying to figure out the best course of action. He didn't want to lay in bed; it made him feel like a waste of space. He didn't want to lay in the living room; it reminded him of Dorcus. He didn't want to go into the other bedroom; it always felt strange because it was pretty ingrained into his head that that room belonged to Frank and Alice Longbottom.

Speaking of Frank and Alice ... He wasn't sure why, but he thought he should thank them for something. Strange. I mean, of course they were his friends, and perhaps just thinking about them made him feel that way, but ... As he looked around the room, his eyes stopped on a brightly colored, patterned bag on the floor, next to which was an empty box amidst a smattering of tissue paper. Blue eyes narrowed slightly as he looked at it, taking a few steps closer - where had that come from?

Crouching down next to it, he saw that the box had a foam insert in it so that it could carry and cushion a bottle. Looking at the bag, he saw the tag on it and absently turned it so that he could read what it said. "Sirius - we figured you wouldn't read a card, so we didn't bother with one. Happy 21st; may you spend it in the best way, which is of course, if not in a Muggle bar, is at the bottom of a bottle. Frank and Ann." Sirius read aloud with a laugh, knowing that the message had been written by Frank, and Ann had just rolled her eyes and signed her name at the end. That was kind of them - especially with a little one of their own to provide for, they really shouldn't have.

A strange sense of deja vu hit him, and Sirius paused, wondering where in fact this supposed bottle had ended up ... Because clearly he had opened the package, he was the only one in the apartment and if it had been delivered before or while Moony was present, then the werewolf certainly would have taken it away from the brunet. Looking around the apartment, he got up, leaving the wrappings and bag sitting where they were on the floor as he puzzled about the apartment, looking for what he could only presume was alcohol. Not because he wanted to drink it (for once); Sirius was looking entirely because he wanted to know what had happened to it.

Eventually he discovered it, discarded on the floor and mostly full, amidst where he was sure there had been other empty bottles, next to his bed. That tears it; someone had done this. And it hadn't been him or Moony. If he had done it when he was in a drunken stupor there's no way he would have been able to do it with enough accuracy that he wouldn't have also accidentally gotten rid of the bottle of Dragon Barrel Brandy (which was surprisingly high shelf; he really should thank the Longbottoms for it) along with any empties. And again, if Remus had been around during or after his receipt of the drink, the werewolf likely would have taken it from him, since alcohol and medication doesn't mix well, and whatever they had given him at St. Mungo's would surely still have been in his system.

So then, that meant someone else had been there. Or at least, he thought someone was. Or at least he was making himself see more than might've been there. He didn't know.

Glancing down at the bottle, he stooped down to pick it up, turning it over in his hands. There was about a mouthful gone or so, but otherwise it was intact, so he must've passed out before he had gotten much in him. Which was strange, because normally it took a lot more to knock him on his arse than that, but ... To be totally fair he couldn't remember what he had done the night before. He didn't remember getting up and finding the bottle at all - so who was to say he hadn't had something else along with it? Though unless he had received a birthday present from someone else, it was unlikely because he'd finished the last bottle of Firewhiskey Saturday morning when Moony had been there.

Yeah.

When Moony had been there.

Which would never happen again because he'd taken they keys back from him. Again, the physical key in itself didn't mean much; he wasn't changing the warding on his apartment or anything so that the werewolf could never come in again. He would never do that. But the gesture had been enough, he was sure. It was pretty clear he didn't want Remus around, and he was sure that sadly, his friend would respect that. Because he was just that. A friend. Even if Sirius was a absolute arse to him.

Letting out another breath, he opened the bottle and absently took a swig from the neck. Honestly, the most sensible thing to do would be to check the aparation signatures in the warding on the apartment to see if anyone has come through ... he thought to himself. Absently shrugging off his coat and letting it fall to the floor after juggling the bottle between his hands, he picked up his wand. It was of course, the most practical thing to do; if he suspected someone of randomly appearing in his apartment unnanounced and uninvited ... It would have had to have been a friend or relative, since that was all that was allowed through, and only certain relatives at that (Bellatrix was not going to just be popping into his living room for afternoon tea, thank you very much), but ...

Something made him stop, after staring at the wand in his hand for a long time. Instead, he set it on his nightstand and took another nip from the bottle. He didn't want to know. He knew he would find that no one had come into his apartment; he knew he would find no evidence at best, and evidence against his insanity at worst ... So he didn't check.

He didn't want to see anything else to make him question reality.

Sirius was just going to try and let it go.

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The End …?

Footnotes:

1 – Beetle Berry Whiskey