Disclaimer: See chapter 1
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He entered the house silently and was at the top of the stairs before Allie realized he was home. She jumped when she saw him. He usually said something as soon as he came in the door. "Hi honey," Allie said, reaching up to kiss him but Reid turned away. "Honey, what's wrong?" she asked suspiciously.
"What's wrong?" Spencer repeated. "What could possibly be wrong? We had a quiet day at work. Nothing untoward…oh, except Cam Morrison came up to bring your mail, to save you having to pick it up. Wasn't that nice of him? Here it is," he handed her the bundle of envelopes. She set them aside. "Aren't you going to look at them?" he asked.
"Oh sure," Allie said, removing the elastic and shuffling through the envelopes. Reid thought she looked relieved when she reached the end. "Nothing pressing here," Allie said brightly.
"You look relieved," Reid responded. "Or perhaps you're relieved because you didn't find this," he pulled the envelope from Leavenworth from his inside jacket pocket. "What is the meaning of this?" he yelled.
"I…I can explain," Allie said meekly.
Reid crossed his arms in front of his chest. "And I can hardly wait to hear it."
"Okay, I'll tell you." Allie began to pace the living room. "I wrote to your Dad shortly after our honeymoon. I thanked him for his letter, I sent him a couple of wedding pictures and I told him if I could help in any way to smooth things over between the two of you, I would. I told him he could write to me if he wanted to."
"He could write to you," Reid repeated. "But not here where I might find out about it."
"I…I didn't think you were ready for something like that," Allie defended herself.
"Oh well, you sure as hell were right about that. Is that his first letter to you?" he asked.
"No, there've been others," she replied.
Reid nodded, "Others," he said, "and how many letters have you written to him?"
"About five," Allie responded.
"Five," Reid barked again and Allie flinched at his tone. "What do you talk about in these letters?"
"Well, I tell him about our life, our wedding, the new house, the baby coming, Thanksgiving, Christmas; you know, our life," she explained. "And I, uh…told him about Georgia."
"Georgia," he shrieked "you told my father about Georgia. How could you? You had no right. That was personal. That happened to me. It's none of his business." He paused for a moment, as if trying to regain control of himself. "Please, please tell me you didn't tell him about Joanna," he begged.
"I sent him a letter a few days ago. I thought he'd like to know he's a grandfather now."
"I can't believe you'd do this to me, to us, writing letters to my so called father behind my back. My God," he uttered in disbelief, "you started deceiving me before the ink on our marriage certificate was even dry."
"I was only trying to help," tears started to roll down Allie's cheeks.
"Help," he shouted again as Allie's tears came faster now. "How was lying to me supposed to help. It took me so long to trust and I…"
"Please, don't say you don't trust me. I told your Dad from the start that you were my first concern. I always tell him how much I love you."
"Now I'm going to be afraid every word I say is going directly to my father," he fired back. He headed for the stairs. "I wonder, when we were in bed together, fucking each other, were you trying to think of how to word it in your next letter to my father?" He ran out the door, slamming it behind him. Allie heard his tires squeal in the driveway as he backed out. She covered her face with her hands and sobbed.
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Reid drove. He had no idea where he was going, nor did he care. He hadn't felt such a deep hurt in a long time, the pain of being betrayed by someone you loved. The last time he'd felt this kind of pain was, ironically, the last time he'd seen William Reid's handwriting on an envelope.
His dad had left and he'd told his Mom that he wasn't weak and they'd be okay. When he'd gone into his room that night, leaning up against his bedside lamp, was a crisp white envelope that said simply "Spencer" in the dark black ink of the sterling silver ballpoint pen his father always used. He opened the envelope again now, in his mind, and he saw once more, as he had seventeen years ago, his father's expansive scrawl, the black strokes marring the pristine purity of the white paper and stripping him of his innocence, the words were just as fresh, making the wounds in his heart as raw now as they had been back then.
Spencer,
By the time you read this you'll know I'm gone. I know it's difficult for your analytical mind to understand but I just cannot handle your mother's illness any longer. I know it's wrong but I can't stand helplessly by and watch her deteriorate all the while knowing that I'm not able to do anything. The schizophrenia has turned the woman whose mind I once admired and loved into someone I don't know. Everyone has their limits, and sadly, I've reached mine. I don't feel like I'm living in this home any more, I'm dying in it. The ravages of this sickness are sapping the life out of me. If I stay, I'm afraid I'll become the second casualty of her disease. You, however, are made of stronger stuff. You always have been. Maybe it's because she's a part of you that you seem to be able to handle it better than I. I just know she needs you. Look after her. I know that if anyone can find their way through this, it's you. I hope someday you'll understand.
Take care son,
Love Dad
Someday hadn't come just yet he thought as he drove along and a song came on the radio that mirrored his thoughts. He turned up the volume and listened to the songstress.
Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting.
I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying.
I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and
I don't have time to go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't even if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is you think I should.
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Allie sat at the dining room table, the cordless phone to her ear. The phone on the other end was answered by her father. "Hi Dad," was all she managed to say before she lost her battle to hold her tears in check. "Oh, Daddy, I did something really awful. I think Spencer hates me now."
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Gord McCumber watched as Dr. Reid fired continually at the paper target. His aim was getting better, he had to admit, but the guy'd put two clips into the target already and it was barely hanging by a thread. Gord didn't approach him. He'd seen this before. What does an angry man with a gun do? He comes to shoot at paper targets until he gets it out of his system. From the look on Dr. Reid's face, Gord hoped he'd brought enough ammunition.
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Allie sat on the floor in the front of the fireplace. She'd fed and changed Joanna and for once she'd gone right back to sleep. Allie had hoped she'd stay awake for awhile so she could take her mind off Spencer and what she'd done and what he'd said to her. She picked up the newest letter from her father-in-law. She might as well open it. She ran her fingernail under the envelope's adhesive flap and opened it. She pulled out the letter inside but it was thick and she unfolded the letter to find pictures. She looked at the pictures. They were of Spencer as a little boy. She went back to the letter.
Dear Allie,
You said in one of your letters that Spencer had no pictures of himself as a child. I had taken these with me when I left. Had I known that Dianna would destroy all the pictures, I would have taken more. I had them stored with my things in Philly. I got my lawyer to make copies for you. I hope you like them. I know it's not much but it's all I have.
Take care my dear and keep well.
Dad
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Reid had changed from firing his weapon repeatedly at a beaten up paper target to punching a bag in the FBI gym at Quantico. There were very few people in the gym at this time of day but the few that were there rarely saw Dr. Reid from the BAU here and when he was he was usually doing the treadmill or the bike or working on some hand to hand with Morgan. They'd never seen him with a pair of boxing gloves on, and the way he was hitting that bag, you had to know he had someone's face in mind. He grunted loudly with each punch and the sweat sprang off his forehead. One of the other agents finally yelled at him. "Dr. Reid," Reid stopped and turned to the man. "Your cell is ringing."
Reid tried to get out of his gloves in a hurry which wasn't proving too easy. One of the other agents took pity on him and pulled it off. "Thanks," Reid said as he picked up his cell, looking at the call display. "Hello," he said.
"Spencer, are you alright," Lloyd thought he sounded totally out of breath.
"Yeah, I'm at the gym punching the bag. I suppose Allie called you," Reid responded.
"Yes, and she was in tears. I don't like to hear my little girl crying like that Spencer," his father-in-law told him.
"Did she tell you what she did?" Reid asked.
"Yes, she told me all about it. Look, I know it was probably not a wise thing for her to do but I know Allie and so do you and you know she only had the best of intentions in her heart. And, your father did send his letter to both of you. She was perfectly within her rights to respond."
"Oh please," Spencer responded, "don't go all lawyer on me. Corresponding with my estranged father without telling me was wrong and you know it, no matter how good her intentions were and we all know what the road to hell is paved with don't we?"
"Spencer, please, whatever you do, talk to her. Don't let this fester. Joan and I both talked to her and we both think she never sounded more distraught. She said you said some pretty awful things to her."
"Don't make me the bad guy here. I'm the one who's been lied to almost since our wedding night. What do you expect me to say?" Reid responded.
"I understand how upset you are and I don't blame you," Lloyd told him, "just remember that, in her mind, she thought she was helping you. She loves you."
"Yeah, I know. Listen, I have another phone call I need to make. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye Dad." He ended the call and punched in another number.