A/N: Thanks for clicking on my story!:) This IS a direct sequel to 'Secret Passages', but I'll try to keep it so it can be read on its own too. If you are reading this on its own and something doesn't quite make sense because it references 'Secret Passages', please feel free to ask about it in a review or PM and I will be happy to explain it.:)
A special thanks to CieloFede for beta-ing or whatever the right word is.:)
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Elsa or Anna or Olaf or any of the rest of the Frozen characters. Or Frozen itself. All of that belongs to Disney.:)
On to the story!
"Elsa, try it again! You got a bit further that time," Anna said.
"'As sovereign monarch of Arendelle, I, Queen Elsa, apologize for the tumultuous events surrounding my coronation a few days prior t-to…Anna, I did it again!" Elsa complained. Writing the speech had been easy for her-she'd had it completely finished in less than two hours the night before, including editing-but actually giving the speech was another story.
Now Elsa stood in the center of her room, and Anna lay flopped on the bed as her practice audience. They had been practicing for an hour now, and Elsa still hadn't gotten past the first sentence.
"We're going to be stuck here f-for days at this rate," Elsa said, frowning at the paper with her speech written on it. "I wanted to take care of th-this tomorrow!"
"It might help if you didn't put weird words like 'tumultuous' in it," Anna offered.
"I stumbled over 'to' the last t-time, not 'tumultuous'," Elsa pointed out. It's a different word every time I mess up anyhow. It's not the "difficulty" of the words that's the trouble; it's just…me. Aggravating.
Anna chewed her bottom lip for a moment, thinking. Elsa was right. It didn't seem to make much difference what the words were since Elsa stuttered in a different spot every time, although Anna still thought putting so-called 'weird words' in the speech was silly. "Have you tried making the speech at your reflection in the mirror, maybe?" she suggested.
Elsa glanced down at the paper in her hand. I know I already have this memorized…it just isn't coming out correctly when I try to say it. "No, but I'll go try." She handed the paper to Anna and went in her bathroom in front of the mirror. "Will you just listen a-and make sure I've memorized it correctly?"
"Sure, but I KNOW you've probably got it memorized perfectly already, Miss Photographic Memory," Anna teased, remembering the blueprint drawing of the castle's layout her sister had given her five years before that was exactly right…and Elsa hadn't even left her room to draw it, although she'd asked Gerda for certain measurements of things outside her room so that they would all be exact.
Elsa's cheeks grew pink with pride at Anna's comment. Elsa's memorization skills were one thing she knew she was good at. She easily remembered the rules for complex math problems; she retained information from books very quickly; she had the convoluted layout of the secret passages completely etched in her mind. Okay, Elsa, let's try the speech again. "'As sovereign monarch of Arendelle, I, Queen Elsa'…Anna? I'm going t-to recite the whole thing this t-time whether I stutter or n-not, okay?"
"Sure. Although I'm thinking that's silly 'cause you've already got it memorized most likely."
"I want to check!" Elsa started the speech over, and stopped at the same spot again. "The mirror is distracting. It doesn't help…it makes me self-conscious."
"Oookayyy…sorry my idea didn't work," Anna apologized. "And just saying…you didn't stutter with what you just said. Maybe shorter sentences would help?"
"Great, so it c-can sound like a little kid wrote i-it. No." Elsa paused, knowing Anna did have a point, but she was not going to trash that whole entire speech she had written. The speech is fine the way it is. It's me that's the problem. "Anna, why do I talk l-like this?! It's driving me crazy! All the words are right there i-in my head, but they won't c-come out right. It's not…it's not fair." Elsa felt so frustrated. They had been practicing since right after breakfast. Now it was nearly lunchtime and she still hadn't made it past the first sentence. Elsa plopped down at her desk and rested her forehead on her crossed arms. Come on, Elsa, you know you have it memorized, so you won't just blank out. What's the worst that could happen?
I'd give the speech and talk like that, and everyone would think I'm stupid. That's what would happen.
Elsa jumped when she felt Anna's hand on her shoulder; then relaxed. It's just Anna. I am so jumpy sometimes. What else is new?
"Elsa…one time you told me life wasn't fair," Anna started. She paused, realizing Elsa was tensing up all over…and frosting the desktop with her fingertips. "You gotta calm down, sis. Look at the desk."
Elsa jerked her hands away from the desk and clasped them together in her lap. "I'm sorry…I lost control again," she said quietly. Think happy thoughts like Anna told you, Elsa. That always helps.
"Scoot your butt over. I wanna sit next to you," Anna announced.
Elsa scooted over and Anna plopped down next to her, although the two of them were really scrunched in that chair. "Maybe we could s-sit somewhere else?" Elsa suggested. She smiled a bit as Anna pulled the two of them down to sit on the floor. Well, Anna, yes, there IS plenty of room on the floor…
Anna put one arm around Elsa and started talking again. "Now don't start getting upset till I'm FINISHED talking, 'kay? I just want to say something, that's all."
Elsa slowly nodded before scooching closer to Anna and resting her head on her sister's shoulder. I'm so glad Anna is here with me. She doesn't mind me, or my powers, or that I can't really talk right.
"Well, like I was saying, one time you told me life wasn't fair. It's true. I know that now. There was a reason you told me that. 'Cause it hasn't been fair to you, EVER!" Anna paused, noticing she was starting to raise her voice. I can't yell at Elsa. I don't wanna make her upset again. "Elsa, I don't know why you stutter…I mean, it's probably got something to do with all those years isolated in your room and rarely talking to anybody, but I'm sure it's going to fade away on its own. You already do it less than just a few days ago, in case you haven't noticed. No, it's most definitely not fair that you have to deal with that, but you're my sister, just plain Elsa. My sister is awesome! She isn't going to be stuck talking funny forever. I just know she isn't. And even if you were, I wouldn't care." Anna moved a bit away from Elsa and put one finger under her sister's chin. "Keep your chin up. You'll always be perfect just the way you are to me."
Elsa blinked back tears and threw her arms around Anna's neck. Thank you, Anna, but…I'm not perfect. I'm 'okay', I suppose, but not perfect. "I guess I c-could always sing my speech," she quipped, remembering how she hadn't stuttered at all when she had been singing with Anna at the ice palace two days before. That was so much fun, actually being at my ice palace with Anna and playing together…just like my dream.
Anna laughed as she hugged Elsa back. "Elsa, you're a stinker. That would certainly be funny anyways," she said, still laughing as she pictured her almost-always-poised sister singing her speech in public. Well, Elsa's always elegant and poised if she's not, like, really upset or scared or something… "Elsa, in all seriousness, maybe you could just keep practicing your speech and don't actually give it until you can say it like you want to. You'd just have to change the 'few days prior' part at the beginning. It's not like you told anyone you were even intending to make a speech."
"But what if I'm n-never able to talk properly?" Elsa asked. Even if Anna is right and it will go away eventually, it's not going to disappear instantly. I don't 'snap back' to perfectly fine immediately like Anna does. Like she literally froze to death because of me, and I haven't heard a word out of her about it. I'd probably be having horrible nightmares if that happened to me. Actually, I know I would.
"That's stupid talk, and you know it! You're smart; I know you are. You can figure it out, I'm sure. And I'll help you. Maybe Gerda has some ideas, too…do you want to ask her? It's time for lunch anyways."
"No, but I should." Gerda was the one adult that I know tried to help me for all that time. I know she would help me; it's just…I don't like needing help. At all. I don't like being alone all the time, but I like to be able to do things on my own. I'm already relying way too much on Anna. She's my little sister. I should be taking care of her, not the other way around. Elsa glanced down at her hands and suddenly felt like she just wanted to make something. "Is it okay t-to make my snowflake?" she asked softly.
Anna made a face. "Um, yeah, duh, of course you can! Why are you even asking me that?! Not only do I love watching you use your powers, you have full rights to do whatever you like. Elsa, you're the queen. No one can say you can't make snowflakes. So there."
I don't know why I asked you that. Probably because I'm still used to trying to conceal it, even though I don't want to anymore. Elsa carefully twirled her signature snowflake into existence in one palm and just stared at it. I love my signature snowflake. Part of me still wishes I didn't have ice powers at all, that I was just a regular girl like Anna; but I know I'm stuck with them. They're just part of me…right? I don't mind being different all that much…I just don't want to be a…a monster.
Monster… Elsa's sparkling snowflake abruptly fell to the floor, and she pulled her knees to her chest, burying her face in her crossed arms. 'Don't be the monster they fear you are!' Elsa stopped what she was doing and sent a scared and horrified look back at Hans, still breathing hard. Elsa gasped and looked up at the chandelier as it came crashing down.
"Elsa?" Anna asked, gently laying one hand on her sister's shoulder; then instinctively jerking her hand away. She's freezing! "Elsa, please, it's all right! Whatever it is isn't happening now…Elsa, please answer!" Anna was growing scared, not because Elsa was losing control-snowflakes were swirling around her and there was ice spreading on the floor-but because Anna was scared for Elsa. I have no idea what's bothering her! How am I supposed to help Elsa if I don't know what's wrong? Anna did the only thing she knew how. She yanked the comforter off Elsa's bed and wrapped it around Elsa since she was too cold to touch otherwise. Then Anna picked Elsa up and sat down in the comfy chair in the corner of Elsa's room, still holding Elsa tightly. "Shh, Elsa, everything's fine. We're just sitting here together in your room. Nothing's going to hurt you."
Elsa finally registered that she was safe at home with Anna, but she still couldn't quite tear her mind away from that awful memory. "Please make…it…s-stop," she whispered, feeling that swirling storm sensation inside again. Elsa, you're safe with Anna. You are not being attacked and then nearly killing two people. You're safe at home. With Anna. "It…s-still…hurts," Elsa added, that feeling that she was about to explode still bothering her. Get Anna away from you, Elsa! You'll hurt her again! "It hurts…Anna…make…it…s-stop…please…"
As if she were reading Elsa's mind, Anna just clutched Elsa tighter. This is a mini version of what happened at the ice palace when Elsa accidentally hit me. I know it is. She's got to calm down. I can't leave her alone. "You are not going to hurt me, Elsa. I know you won't. I don't know what's hurting you inside, but please try to think of something else. Something that makes you happy, all right?" Anna paused for a moment, thinking what might help, and then said, "Ice skating, Elsa. We went ice skating in the courtyard, remember? You were so happy. You made the ice rink and everything!"
Elsa didn't answer, although she pulled the comforter over her head and buried her face in Anna's shoulder. Why is this happening?! I KNOW I'm safe; I am, I am! Aren't I at home with Anna? I thought she was talking to me.
She was talking to you, Elsa. You just can't listen properly. Get Anna away from you before you hurt her again.
"Elsa, you're so tense you're shaking!" Anna exclaimed a moment later. "Could you try to relax, maybe? It might help you feel better…" What's happening to Elsa?! There's something seriously wrong with her and I don't know how to help! And she's still so cold. Anna could feel the intense cold radiating from Elsa's body, even through the comforter, but she was not going to leave her poor sister alone. Never, ever. Elsa, please. Please calm down so you can feel better. I don't know how to help, and it's hurting me to see you hurting like this. I don't even know what made you upset in the first place. "Wait a second…Elsa, listen to me! Listen right now! Take a few deep breaths, all right? Listen, Elsa…take one now…now waaaaiiittt…Now let it out."
Elsa scrunched her eyes shut and tried to do as Anna said. I'm stupid. I should have thought of this.
Elsa, you calm down.
Concentrate on Anna's voice.
Elsa kept her eyes shut and just listened to Anna. Right, Elsa, take a deep breath like Anna says. In. … Out. … In. … Out. …
Anna began crying in relief that something finally seemed to be helping. Elsa seemed slightly less tense, and she wasn't quite so cold anymore. Elsa's gonna be fine. She's fine. "That's good, Elsa. Keep going. Do it some more till you feel all the way better, 'kay?"
A short while later, Elsa's embarrassed blue eyes finally peeked up at Anna from underneath the comforter. I feel really tired, but I'm okay now. And…Anna's been holding me for all this time and I didn't hurt her! I really didn't. "I'm sorry you had t-to try to help me like that," she apologized. "I d-don't know what happened…I just remembered something a-and I got…scared…"
Anna squeezed Elsa close. "Don't apologize. I'm just so glad you're all right now. You scared me, not 'cause you were losing control, but 'cause I didn't know how to help…you are ok now, aren't you?"
"I'm okay. Just…tired, that's all." Elsa wiggled one hand out from the comforter and reached for her sister's hand. "And thank you for n-not…leaving me, although I'd have understood i-if you did." Anna could have just left me curled up on the floor…I don't think I'd have even noticed. But she stayed with me instead.
"I'm never going to leave you, Elsa. Never, ever," Anna said fervently. She tucked Elsa's still-chilly hand back under the comforter and gently brushed the drying tear tracks off her sister's cheeks. "I know you don't mind the cold, but you just stay in there for awhile and warm up, 'kay? You still feel a bit cooler than you usually do." Anna knew Elsa's natural body temperature was indeed cooler than her own, but a happy, calm Elsa was just very cool to the touch, not cold.
Elsa suddenly realized she was literally wrapped up in the comforter off her bed. Anna, why did you do that? Wait…I must have been so cold to touch Anna couldn't hold me otherwise. That's what happened. Now that she was mostly calm again, Elsa felt perfectly safe, as if she were wrapped up in a warm cocoon. "You take care of me," Elsa said happily, snuggling into a ball in Anna's arms inside the comforter. Right now she didn't care if she was acting like a little girl; she just wanted Anna's comforting arms around her. Besides, since Elsa could feel temperatures since the Great Thaw a few days ago, she liked the sensation of warmth against her cool skin. It's okay, Elsa. Anna isn't going to tell the public about your problems. You know she won't.
"That's right. I'm ALWAYS gonna take care of you as best as I know how," Anna assured her. "That's what sisters are for. I have to make up for all those years I missed. I will hug you and comfort you and whatever else you need as much as possible." Anna really did not care that Elsa still wasn't quite that happy carefree eight-year-old girl she remembered from all those years ago. She had her big sister back. I love Elsa just the way she is. I don't like her getting all upset like that, but she just needs someone to actually care about her now. I can do that. It's like Elsa spent so long by herself locking her emotions inside that they're all bursting out of her now that she can let them out. That's why she's perfectly happy one second and so upset the next.
Anna suddenly realized something else…Elsa had been hurt inside so much for so long, but she was still capable of so much love anyway. She was not bitter and broken inside because of what had happened to her. Elsa just needed someone to show her just what love was first because she didn't know any better. It was insanely obvious to Anna-all she needed to do was remember watching Elsa thaw the entire kingdom because of love. She just needed to be happy, too. Part of Elsa is still that little eight-year-old girl inside…half of Elsa had to grow up way too fast and the other half never grew up at all. Someone like Elsa just needs lots of love and care. Some TLC, that's what! I can give her that. "Elsa, you are wonderful, you know that?" Anna smiled and hugged Elsa tightly again.
"No…Elsa okay…but Anna wonderful," Elsa mumbled sleepily. I'm so tired. I'm safe here with Anna…
Just then, Elsa heard a knock on the door and jerked awake. "Who is it?" she asked. Just leave me alone right now…please…
Gerda opened the door, saying it was way past lunchtime and why hadn't the two girls come down yet. "What happened?" she asked, figuring something must have happened or Anna wouldn't have been holding Elsa wrapped up in her comforter on her lap.
Anna glanced at Elsa, wondering whether she should explain what had happened. Elsa nodded to say it was fine. "Elsa was practicing her speech, and then we were going to come down for lunch…and Elsa got all freaked out from something she was thinking about. I was trying to help her calm down, but she wasn't really reacting to anything I said and she was all freezing cold so I put the comforter around her so I could hold her and…yeah. That's what happened."
"A panic attack, Miss Elsa?" Gerda asked concernedly.
Elsa shrugged and wiggled herself out of Anna's arms. "It happened once before," she admitted as she put the comforter back on the bed. "It just wasn't nearly as b-bad this time since Anna was w-with me." Well, Anna was with me last time too, but she couldn't actually help me before. This time she actually helped me calm down. Elsa remembered Anna had suggested she ask Gerda for help with her speech, and added, "Gerda, would you help m-me practice my speech? It's m-memorized, but…" Elsa's voice trailed off. But I can't say it because I can't talk right…
"But Elsa stutters a little bit," Anna finished for her.
"It's a lot, not a l-little!" Elsa muttered only to Anna. As in, like, all the time. It's annoying. I sound so…stupid. And I don't know how to fix it.
"I would be glad to help you, Queen Elsa," Gerda told her. "Would after lunch work for you?"
Elsa nodded and gave Gerda a grateful smile.
After lunch, Elsa headed to the parlor with Anna and Gerda. Gerda had asked Elsa where she wanted to go to practice; and Elsa had said the parlor because she was tired of her room.
"Princess Anna, you can run along if you like," Gerda said. "You are probably distracting for your sister, no offense."
Anna huffed, but she did hop up and run out of the room. "I'll be outside in the gardens, 'kay, Elsa?" she called.
"Okay," Elsa replied. Then she turned back to Gerda and said, "Do you r-really think Anna d-distracts me? She was trying to help m-me…"
"Your sister tends to lose concentration and ping off the walls easily, Queen Elsa," Gerda told her. "I thought you might work better without any excitable Princess Annas in here. This is not because anyone is trying to keep you away from her, though, is that clear?" Gerda wanted to make sure Elsa knew that she hadn't sent Anna out because she didn't want Elsa around her sister again or something.
Elsa nodded. "Crystal clear." I can make it for a little while without Anna. I can't be completely dependent on her to function; that's bad.
"Besides, you'll want to practice without your sister because you'll usually take care of meetings and political business on your own, most likely. Somehow I don't think you will want Miss Anna shouting at a foreign guest that makes her angry or something."
Elsa smiled a bit at that. Anna would definitely do that. I know she would. "Gerda…am I too d-dependent on Anna?" she asked quietly. I can't even make it all the way through the night without a nightmare that my little sister then helps me feel better about…
"Miss Elsa, come here, please," Gerda said.
Elsa crossed the parlor over to Gerda; then jumped when Gerda took both hands in hers.
"Now, Miss Elsa, I'm just your old servant, so please don't take what I say as disrespect to you," Gerda started.
Elsa just shook her head. "You've always been n-nice to me and tried t-to help me…you're l-like family to me," she said firmly. Gerda is like family to me…like the loving parents I never really had. I wouldn't take anything she told me as disrespect.
"Well, please just listen then, Miss Elsa. You just stopped being locked in your room all the time. For most of that time, you hardly ever even talked to your sister. Don't you think it's only natural that you want to spend time with her now?" Gerda asked.
"Yes, but…did you see m-me upstairs earlier? I s-still don't even know quite what h-happened…but I c-completely lost it and guess who w-was stuck dealing with me? Anna, that's who! I can't even sleep by m-myself all night without awful n-nightmares." Elsa dropped her gaze to the floor and didn't say anything else. I can't talk right either. I don't even like hearing myself…I probably sound irritating to whoever I'm trying to talk to.
"Miss Elsa, you cannot expect yourself to just snap back instantly to the way you were as a little girl. Give yourself a little time. You've already made plenty of progress. Would you have let anyone touch, let alone hold, your bare hands a week ago?"
"No," Elsa said softly. That is true. I'm much better than I was a week ago. Much, much better.
"And you wouldn't have been wearing that dress then, either," Gerda said. "I must say, I don't think it's the most…appropriate thing in the world, but I admit you do look nice in it."
Elsa smiled a bit, knowing quite well what Gerda thought of her ice-dress. Gerda never fussed at her to take it off and change, but she did hint several times that Elsa might want to reconsider what she was wearing. Elsa loved that dress, so she just left it on.
"Also remember the things you can do with your bare hands. Your powers make you unique in a good way, but you're still learning just how to use them. That means you have to practice to keep your ice powers under your control. Practice, not conceal." Gerda made sure to make that clear.
I need to use my powers-practice-to stay in control? That does make sense… Elsa tilted her head to one side, considering this new plan. "Concealing doesn't work b-because it makes me explode out of c-control because there's too m-much ice inside me?" she asked.
"I don't know much about magical ice powers affected by emotions, but after knowing you since you were born, I would say yes," Gerda told her. "Are you ready to try that speech now, Miss Elsa?"
Elsa nodded and went to the center of the room. Elsa, it doesn't matter if you mess up in front of Gerda. She's here to help you. She is not going to make you feel stupid.
"Do you want to read it off the paper or try it from memory?" Gerda asked.
"I have it m-memorized…I just c-can't say it properly," Elsa admitted. The words are all in my head; they just don't…come out right.
"Well, just begin when you're ready. I'll stop you if I have something to say that might help, all right?"
"Okay," Elsa replied before starting, "'As sovereign monarch of Arendelle, I, Queen Elsa a-apologize-"
"Miss Elsa, wait. I see one problem already. You wrote commas into this first sentence on your paper, but you aren't actually taking advantage of them. Try actually pausing at all of the commas this time, and see if that doesn't help."
Elsa frowned. "I thought if I c-could get the s-sentence out in one breath, it m-might help…" You can't take one breath and say the whole speech, Elsa…that isn't going to work.
"I'm fairly certain blurting out a sentence this long is just going to make you tense up. That may work if the sentence is shorter, though. Try again, and exaggerate the spots where the commas are, Miss Elsa," Gerda suggested.
It can't hurt. Elsa, just try it. Elsa bit her lip and started over. "'As sovereign monarch of Arendelle" pause "I" pause "Queen Elsa apologize for the events surrounding m-my…" I did it again. "I messed up," she said finally.
"Just try again. Start from 'Queen Elsa' this time."
"'Queen Elsa apologize for the events s-surrounding-I did it again!" Elsa exclaimed in frustration. "Why is this happening?! It's driving me crazy! I know I can say those words-I mess up in a different spot every time! I should just let Anna make the speech in my place. Everyone likes her anyway since she's actually approachable and sociable…unlike me!" This is starting to make me mad. All I want is just…talk properly, like everyone else. Is that really too much to ask?
Gerda just stared at Elsa in surprise. "Miss Elsa, you're quite understandably fussing about stuttering, but you just said that entire rant without doing it once. Have you considered you might be stuttering partly because you're so worried you are going to?"
"Then why do I d-do it when I'm having a simple c-conversation with Anna?" Elsa asked. She sighed, noticing the thin layer of frost under her feet, and managed to dissolve it away. Well, at least I can do that now. And maybe I'm just weird and there's no reason for why I stutter at all.
"I'm not sure, Miss Elsa, but I know you don't care if Anna hears you talk that way. Maybe that has something to do with it. Also, I've noticed you already do it less, so it will probably fade in time anyway, too. Look, let's just try something different. You were working on that speech all morning, so you're probably thoroughly tired of it. Would you mind trying to simply practice just plain speaking, period? That way you'll probably have the speech you were working on sound the way you want it to sound as well," Gerda said.
I just want to talk properly, that's all, Elsa thought. This is pathetic. I'm the queen of Arendelle and I can't even hold a proper conversation. Well, I can, but not without sounding…stupid. "What do I do?" she asked. "Actually, may I please try s-something first?" I wonder if since that speech is memorized, I'm still technically thinking about what I'm going to say, and that makes me mess up. Maybe if I read it, I can rattle it off with no trouble?
"'…and thank you for listening'," Elsa finished a few minutes later, reading off the paper. "Gerda, it worked! It really worked! I have no idea why my weird brain let me do it that way, but I don't care! I have to tell Anna!" she exclaimed happily. Now I just have to get it so I can say it without reading it, too. Elsa paused for a moment; then added in a much calmer voice, "Will you help me again t-tomorrow?"
"I will help you every day for as long as you need," Gerda assured her. "Every day after lunch, perhaps?"
Elsa smiled and nodded. "Okay." That's perfect. I'm going to go find Anna out in the castle gardens now.
"Miss Elsa, wait. One more thing. Try taking a deep breath before you start talking. I think you try and do it in the middle of while you're talking, and that doesn't really help since you've already stumbled over a word at that point. Just try it. If it doesn't work, it's not like you've lost anything."
"I'll try."
A/N: Well, um, so...Elsa still gets upset easily.:P But she has Anna with her now. Yay:)
Next chapter coming soon:)
P.S. Please excuse the blah summary...I'm still not satisfied with it.:P