Disclaimer: I do not own any Eragon characters or any othe characters I mentioned in this chapter
Eragon finally arrived at the cave where Saphira and Thorn lived. He had ran through the jungle, got chased by leopards, eaten up and pooped by an elephant, licked clean by a group of piranhas (he got a few of them in case the cow army comes and seeks their revenge) and raped by teddy bears.
Eragon: I FINALLY MADE IT!!!!!! After two gruelling days I can finally- wait what's this? (Picks up paper)
Dear Eragon,
If you are reading this you are probably plotting get rich quick
Scheme involving thorn and me reproducing. The answer is no.
Anyways I went to go hunting I'll be back in the afternoon.
Saphira
P.S.
There's an aquarium in the back of the cave, I never use it so
you can have it.
Eragon:NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO- wait there's another note
Dear Murtagh,
If you are reading this remember that next time I see you, you
better have my money I loaned you for those tacos this month
or I swear I'll break your legs, throw you in a active volcano
and make you eat my shit!!!!!!!!!!
sincerely, Thorn
P.S.
If you want to loan more money for tacos, you gotta pay me back
with a 10% interest
P.P.S
If you find a DVD with the title "Saphira gets down and dirty" please give
it back to me and I'll forget the loan and give you as much tacos as you want.
P.P.P.S.
If you're wondering what's on the DVD it's just Shaphira in poses
that I secretly video taped and that I watch while I'm in the
bathroom or while I'm alone in my room.
P.P.P.P.S.
Please ignore what I just wrote before.
P.P.P.P.P.S.
You are probably wondering why I wrote so many P.S., I lost my
eraser.
Eragon: Okay now where was I... oh yeah -OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO now I'm bored ...................................................... still bored ............................. thinking .................................................................... I GOT AN IDEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (drops piranhas in the aquarium, then drops armadillos with the piranhas)With the combined force of the blood thirsty piranhas and the armored armadillos, their babies will be unstoppable and therefore perfect for my movie MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Now my pets reproduce like rats, or like mice, well just reproduce............................better go and find other people.
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Orik sat there with frustration as he saw the "you must be this tall" sign at the varden camp.
Orik: THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!!!!!
Varden soldier #1: I'm sorry but to prevent any rabbits from entering we have to put up "you must be this tall" signs to scare them.
Orik: THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE!!!!!!
Varden soldier #1: Fine I'll let you in
Orik: That's better
Orik only took ten steps before noticing the "you must be this heavy" sign in front of him
Varden soldier #2: I'm sorry sir but to prevent jaguars from getting skinny we have to put up signs to-
Orik: DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't take this anymore I'm leaving.
He turns around and finds a "you must be this happy to leave the varden camp" sign
Orik: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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It was late afternoon when Durza woke up in a giant pie cooking in a gigantic oven
Durza: What just happened?
Durza's brain: God do I have to explain everything? You got drunk at the pie shop then ran over 20 people with a bulldozer, married a cactus and made a bet with a cow that if you don't win anything in the next lottery ticket you buy, you'll have to sleep in a uncooked pie.
Durza: So I lost?
Durza's brain: No you won
Durza: Then why am I in a pie?
Durza's brain: Sadly your prize was that you get to sleep in a giant pie
Durza: Oh
Durza's brain: You do realise that it's been 30 minutes since you've been in this oven?
Durza: Yeah I'm just thinking how to approach the subject............................... ok starting in 3.......2.......1.......GO! OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELP ME SOMEONE!!!!!!!! BRAIN IF I DIE TELL MY WIFE I LOVE HER!!!!
Durza's brain: Ummmmmm.......... I don't know if you've noticed but since I'm inside of you if you die I die too
Durza: THEN WHY ARE YOU SO CALM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Durza's brain: Because while you were sleeping I found out that the door of the oven wasn't closed
Durza: WELL WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME!!??!?!??!?!?
Durza's brain: I didn't want to spoil the moment
Durza: OH I GET IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELP!!!!!!!!!
Durza's brain: Then why are you still screaming?
Durza: I FORGOT HOW TO STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SAVE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!
Durza's brain: It'll probably stop soon so lets go meet everyone
Durza: OKAY!!!! OMG IT'S THE COW NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cow: Moo
Durza: PLEASE SPARE ME!!!!!!!!!! TAKE MY BRAIN INSTEAD!!!!!!!
Cow: Moo
Durza: STOP TAUNTING ME!!!! HAVE MERCY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cow: Moo
Durza: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Durza's brain: (sigh) This is going to be a long trip
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Murtagh: I finally found you taco fiend! After sleepless hours at tracking you down I finally have you cornered!
Giant deer made of tacos: What the hell do you mean tracking me down? I have been walking besides you for the past 2 hours
Murtagh: There no use screaming for help, get ready to get eaten!
Giant deer made of tacos: Wait! I'll give you a DVD I found in the floor if you don't eat me!
Murtagh: What's it about?
Giant deer made of tacos: I don't have a DVD player so all I know is that the title is "Saphira gets down and dirty". Here, look for yourself (Hands DVD to Murtagh)
Murtagh: Why does that sound familiar? Oh well time to eat! (Starts munching on the taco head of the deer)
Giant deer made of tacos: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
5 MINUTES LATER...
Murtagh: Well I'm full
What's left of the taco deer: OH THANK GOD!!!! I'M FREE-
Murtagh: I suddenly feel a little hungry
What's left of the taco deer: I'll shut up now
Murtagh: That's better, still this DVD really sounds familiar........ Oh well better go to Ellesméra. I can probably sell this piece of junk for something
What's left of the taco deer: Well actually I think you can get more if you sell it to the red dragon that's been putting posters all over town saying that he will pay any price for the DVD "Saphira gets-
Murtagh: THAT'S IT IT'S TIME FOR DESSERT!!!!!!!
What's left of the taco deer: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1 MINUTES LATER...
Murtagh: You know I think you were right taco deer. To bad I don't know any red dragon except for Thorn...... unless Thorn had a baby with Saphira!!!!! OMG NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! CURSE YOU ERAGON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND FOR SOME REASON RORAN AND MR. BEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Will Eragon's scheme finaly work? Does Durza get any stupider? Whats the first thing Murtagh says in the next chapter? Who will be the next rider in the fourth book?
Find out in the next chapter!!!!
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