Hello my dear readers. Sorry its been awhile (over 5 months i know) since i last posted a chapter, but im going to get back into this now. I have some fabulous ideas that will hopefully have you laughing your socks off for the story. Also, please do post in the reviews ideas for the story that you guys would like to see, I will do my best to make this story as funny and stupid as possible. Anyway, back to the adventures of the crimson Fucker!

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Today was the day of the familiar show, and Louise was worried. When she had told alucard about it, he had grinned like the insane psychopath he is, and said he has a plan for the day. When asked what it was, he simply replied "funzies" and laughed before disappearing through the wall. Now Louise was standing next to the stage, getting ready to go on with the vampire standing next to him. His face was blank, and Louise couldn't tell what he was thinking.

"So whats your plan?" Louise asked.

"I dont have one." Alucard replied.

Louise's jaw dropped. "I thought you said you did!"

"I lied. Big deal, Ill just wing it. And before you start, I won't kill anyone... probably."

That did little to calm down Louise. They were called and Louise and the CF (crimson fucker) walked out onto stage. Standing up straight, Louise announced in a loud voice.

"This is my Familiar, The mighty alucard!" She said. Everyone noticeably had fear on their faces. Alucard just grinned.

"Oh whats the matter, you all afraid of big papa Alucard?" he said. "Don't worry, I promise that no one will get hurt... probably. Anyway, you kids wanna see a magic trick?"

Everyone nodded slowly. The princess was sitting at the far back, and she found alucard interesting, and Alucard looked at her and grinned his toothy grin.

"Oh my, more girls with big tits." He suddenly put on a melodramatic voice. "Why oh why was I summoned by the possessor of the great plains? Why could I not be the servant of one blessed with the Himalayas?" He said rather loudly. Everyone was confused at the vampires words, and he sighed. Then he sank into the stage. Literally.

Everyone watched with mixed looks of shock and interest. He then disappeared into the stage and re-appeared from the back of it. He was about to continue when there was a rather loud noise coming from nearby. it sounded like someone was trying to smash a wall down. And it sounded like they were using a very large object to attack said wall.

Alucard immediately jumped off the stage and sprinted towards the source of the noise. He pulled out both his pistols and as he rounded the corner, he looked up at what he was going to fight.

It was a golem. Alucard had fought many things, vampires, werewolves, humans, priests and all manner of supernatural beings, even a living traffic cone and knew exactly how to kill most of them, which usually involved lots of shooting, but he didn't have the foggiest idea how to kill a golem.

Well except shooting the shit out of it, of course.

And that's exactly what Alucard did. He shot the shit out of it. The golem turned mid punch to find out who was busy blowing bits of its arm off. There was a women on the Golem, and she ordered it to attack him. With surprisingly agility, it squashed Alucard with its left fist. The women on the golem let out a laugh. "Poor fool should have tried to dodge." she said. The golem lifted its fist to reveal a very squished Alucard, who immediately regenerated and started shooting the golem. It squashed him again, and again he regenerated.

Now the women on the golem was getting worried. Her golem was slowly being destroyed by Alucards relentless fire. So she decided to run in plain sight of Alucard down the golem's arm towards the tower, and Alucard fired at her, and she managed to use magic to redirect the bullet to hit the tower and blow a hole in it. The golem then proceeded to pound Alucard repeatedly (into the ground, with his fists. Get your mind out of the gutter).

She ran out a moment later carrying a box that was taller than her. She jumped off the golem and over the wall, and once she disappeared, the golem disintegrated into a large pile of stones. Alucard arose from the crater where the golem had been making a very real attempt to turn him into paste, but he regenerated quickly.

"The bitch got away." He said. He turned around to see Louise standing there, with shock on her face. He grinned. "Sorry but I need to go for a walk, I'll be back in a bit." He then turned, walked towards the kitchen, fetched Siesta, Seras and Jessica, and then made his way off to the forest.

Why the forest? Because he figured that would be where she would go to hide.

Anyway, after a bit of walking they found a shack in a clearing. After telling the three girls to stay put, he walked up to the door, and started shooting through it. After about a minute, he stopped and opened the door.

"Anyone home?" he said. The case was lying on the far side of the room, and Alucard had fortunately missed it. He walked over and opened it, and what he saw shocked him. He then grinned and picked up what was in the case.

(outside)

"Hey police girl." They heard Alucard say from the building. "Catch." Suddenly the wall exploded as a large object was thrown through it. Seras managed to catch it, but it knocked her over. Jessica and Siesta helped her up, and they inspected the strange object Alucard had thrown at them. For some reason, it was familiar to Seras, but she didn't know why.

"It's an anti-tank cannon." Alucard said, walking out of the house.

"So that's its real name, I thought "Staff of destruction" was more appropriate." said a women's voice. the 4 vampires turned to see Fouquet standing atop a golem, with one flanking her on each side. "Please do tell me, how did you know i would be here?" She asked.

"I've been here a few times before, and I figured an abandoned house would be the best place to hide." Alucard said. "now then, lets get this show on the Road."

"With pleasure." Fouquet said, and ordered her golems to attack. They advanced on Alucard, and he then started to shoot at both of them. "Police girl, hurry up and fire that thing." he said. Seras looked down at the anti tank cannon. While she had never seen it before, she instinctively knew how to use it. Setting it down, she aimed down the sights at one of the golems and pulled the trigger. The golem then exploded into thousands of little chunks, and Alucard turned to look at Seras with a disappointed expression.

"You forgot the tag line to firing that thing." He said.

She looked at him, confused. "W-What?"

He grinned. "Bitches love cannons."

Fouquet was gaping at the remains of her golem. "S-So that's... the power of the staff of destruction..." She said.

"Yep. Awesome isn't it? Anyway, I think its about time I-" Alucard was cut off when suddenly what seemed like an ethereal mist appeared, floating out of the door of the house. It was grey in colour, and seemed to be changing shape constantly. It eventually settled into the shape of half a man. It's lower body was simply a sort of tail, but Alucard raised an eyebrow when he saw it's upper body. It was large, larger than any man Alucard had ever seen. It was wearing some kind of strange armour, which had no sleeves but covered his chest and shoulders. He was completely bald, and from his expression, still half asleep.

It looked around. It stopped when it saw Alucard, then after a few seconds it looked at Fouquet, before looking at Seras, Jessica and Siesta then back at Alucard. The man grinned.

"OOOHHHH YEAH! This looks like a real good fight! Kinda sucks I can't join though, being dead does have it's downsides. Stupid Vegeta..." The ghost trailed off.

"Who are you?" Alucard asked, genuinely interested. The ghost grinned, before whipping out sunglasses from seemingly nowhere.

"The names Nappa. Ghost Nappa."

And there you have it folks! Sorry its a bit short, but I'll be doing weekly updates from now. Once again, please send me any crazy Ideas you have for this, I'm going to make this fan fic as funny and stupid as possible. Thanks for reading, and I'll see you next time!