Ask and thou shalt receive! I think that's in the Bible somewhere. Anywho, shoutouts go to Angel of the Apocalypse, FlameDiadem, Ajac, Spirochick39, Talon88.1, and ruff1298. Read and enjoy!
The Adversary, Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Great Beast that is called Dragon, Prince of This World, Father of Lies, Spawn of Satan, and Lord of Darkness, commonly going by the name Adam, wondered vaguely how exactly his face became attached to that of his friend-who-happens-to-be-a-girl Pepper. Not that he minded of course. It was rather... nice. An understatement of course - it felt great!
But while eight out of the ten percent of grey matter he had any kind of conscious control over was focused on kissing the pretty red head sitting with him on his bed, one and a half percent was worrying over what he would do if one of his parents decided to come upstairs to check on them and walked in to find them sucking face (1), the remaining half percent recounted the series of events that led up to this (2).
Pepper showed up at the door, naturally coming to see Adam. Mrs. Young, though she didn't care much for "that Hippie woman's love child", she nevertheless did not wish to seem an ungracious hostess and invited her to stay for dinner. Through the meal, Mrs. Young was a study of sullen disapproval, Mr. Young obliviously partook of his grilled chicken with steamed beets as he read the paper, trying to ignore the incessant chatter of the two thirteen-year-olds who acted as though the two adults weren't with them in the dining room.
Once supper was finished, Adam and Pepper bounded up the stairs to his room, followed by Mrs. Young's not-too-subtle reminder to keep his door open.
There they spent a couple of hours playing video games, flipping through the latest issue of New Aquarian Digest, goofing around with some of his old Star Wars X-Wing models, and talking. It was the talking, really, that took up the most of those couple of hours.
Adam found it easy to talk to any one of the Them. Wensleydale was great for riffing on cheezy sci-fi movies and helping him with math homework, though the fair-haired bespectacled boy often left him scratching his head when he went on about electromagnetism, relativity, and thermodynamics and statistical mechanics. And Brian was always up for a resounding game of Brain-chomping Zombies VI: the Undead Want Your Head! or for tearing up the local paintball field.
But Pepper was different. Not only could he talk to her about the mechanics of the universe in a manner he could comprehend while at the same time dodging her paintball projectiles, they could spend hours and hours talking - just talking. It didn't have to be about anything specific just so long as they prolonged the conversation. That was why he liked hanging out with her so much.
At some point, they stopped talking. He still wasn't sure what caused them to cease what had been proving to be a record breaking conversation but an awkward silence pervaded over the room, and both Adam and Pepper seated together on his bed, felt themselves becoming more and more uncomfortable.
Finally, just when Adam couldn't stand it anymore, Pepper suddenly blurted, "Do you want to try kissing?"
Adam fell off the bed and landed on the floor with a loud THUNK!
"What was that?" called Mrs. Young.
"Nothin' Mum," answered Adam, staring at Pepper as though seeing her for the first time.
"I don't want any hanky-panky going on up there." Pepper smothered a snort.
"We're not doin' anything!" cried Adam indignantly.
"Hmph!" was his mother's curt reply.
After a silence Pepper, prompted with a bemused eyebrow, "Hanky-panky?"
Adam brushed off the query and redirected the conversation as he climbed b ack onto the bed, "You want to try kissing?"
Pepper's face flushed to a shade that almost matched her hair and she looked at the floor shyly. "Well," she began, and her words began to tumble from her lips faster and faster as she grew more and more flustered. "It's just that we're teenagers now and that's just what teenagers do, right? I'm mean, it's not like I'm suggesting you and me go steady, or some equally primitive variation of the sort! I just think we should try it just once and get that whole 'first kiss' rubbish out of the way! And I like you and you like me - right? - so if it turns out this kissing thing is a load of tripe no harm done! Right? Right? I mean, people make such a big deal out of so little it just seems to me that - that is - what I'm trying to say - see where I'm going with this is - stop smiling!"
"I can't help it," chuckled Adam which only made Pepper glare and flush previously undiscovered shade of red. He wisely decided not to mention that he thought she was cute when she got all flustered.
"If..." he hesitated then cleared his throat, feeling his face heat up. "If you really want to try kissing...that is...I have no problem...if you don't."
She watched uncertainly as he scooted closer to her on the bed. Then they took one another's hands into their own. They stared at one another, unsure of what to do next. Pepper gazed into his dazzling blue eyes while Adam counted the freckles on her cheeks. Finally he leaned forward a little. Then she leaned in a little. At this point their foreheads were almost touching. After a few more moments of staring into one another's eyes, Adam finally lifted his chin, prompting Pepper to do the same, and at last their lips touched...
- - -
"Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit!"
Crowley repeated this mantra as the Bentley tore through the street, unheeding of red lights, pedestrians, and the occasional police barricade, making a beeline for Lower Tadfield.
Aziraphale sat in the passenger seat, silent and contemplative. There was none of his usual scolding about traffic law, right-of-way, or even safety protocol (3). Finally he looked toward the tense demonic driver and said, "Are we doing the right thing here?"
"Is this going to be one of those 'ineffable plan' conversations?" asked Crowley tartly, as he plowed through yet another busy intersection, leaving a ten car pile-up in his wake. "Because I am so not in the mood right now!"
Aziraphale sighed and miracled away the accident leaving several very confused drivers, a convoy of very, very angry cops in pursuit of the "kamikaze Bentley", and one very, very, very disappointed ambulance chasing lawyer.
"It's just that," continued the angel. "Are we certain that our going to see the boy will make any difference at this point? I mean, I know it's our job and everything-"
"No," grunted Crowley, jerking his steering wheel, and narrowly missing an elderly pedestrian. "It's exile dressed up as an assignment! It's our punishment. Don't get me wrong, it's worked out quite well for me so far. I get to hang out on Earth, stir up a little mischief here and there, get dead stinking drunk every night, wake up three days later with a bloody hangover and do it all over again and the best part is, the boss never calls (4)."
"But that's just it," insisted the angel. "No one has told us anything! We're delving into uncharted territory with this boy. There hasn't been anyone like him since the Son."
"You mean that kid from Nazarath?"
"No, I'm talking about the 1990s Canadian rock band, of course the kid from Nazarath!"
"Why Aziraphale!" gasped Crowley with delight. "I do believe that was sarcasm!"
"Oh dear," blushed the angel. "I'm terribly sorry!"
"Don't be," smirked the demon. "I've never been more proud of you."
"It's just that," continued Aziraphale, brushing the comment aside. "The situation has me very-upset? Disappointed? Frightened? No word in any language terrestrial, divine, or infernal seems adequate to properly portray what I'm feeling right now!"
"I know," sighed Crowley sympathetically.
"We stopped it," said Aziraphale. "It was the End and we stopped it."
"I know," repeated Crowley.
"We stopped it and it's happening again anyway."
"I know!" roared the demon, swerving just in time to avoid running down a blind man walking along the crosswalk. Aziraphale, in a knee jerk reaction, accidently cured his blindness as they shot by and the man jubilantly threw aside his cane, and skipped all the way home.
They drove in silence for a bit before Aziraphale prompted, "Perhaps we're over-reacting a bit. The boy seemed a sensible and friendly chap. I doubt he's abusing his powers in the way his father intended. He's probably got a good explanation for all the strange goings on."
"Sure," agreed Crowley snidely. "And maybe flying pigs'll play crochet."
They turned at the sound of oinking and squealing and saw a flying pig holding a cricket bat, peering curiously at them through the passenger-seat window for a moment or two before flying off.
They stared at the space the pig occupied in mute amazement before Aziraphale turned a cheeky smile toward his companion.
"That doesn't count," grumbled the demon sourly. "It's clearly playing cricket."
- - -
Pepper didn't know how long she and Adam were like that, but when they finally pulled away gasping for air (5), she stared at Adam - what's the word? Demurely? She was not demure! Not for a day in her life!
"W-well," she said unsteadily.
"Well," returned Adam.
"I-I don't see what the big deal is," she said at last, lifting her chin challengingly, defying him to contradict her.
"Absolutely," agreed Adam a bit too quickly for her liking.
"At least we got it out of the way," said Pepper resolutely, glaring at Adam meaningfully. "Because it's. Never. Happening. Again."
"Right," said Adam calmly. Pepper was a bit taken aback by this.
"Ever." she added.
"Right," repeated Adam.
What's he bein' go agreeable for anyway? thought Pepper darkly. He could at least pretend to be disappointed!
"This isn't a boyfriend/girlfriend cuddly gooey snog-fest sort of thing," the red-head pressed. "Understand?"
"Purely for experimental purposes," nodded the boy. "I got it."
Pepper scrutinized him for a moment more then nodded, "Good."
"Great," said Adam.
"Wonderful."
They sat in silence before Mrs. Young called them downstairs. Eager for an excuse to ignore what just happened they bounded down the stairs and were greeted by R.P. Tyler shouting something about Dog, or "the mangey ill-bred mongrel" as he preferred to call him, having done something unspeakable to his good pants.
- - -
Crowley and Aziraphale stood outside the Young residence watching the spectacle. Tyler not only threatened to write a letter to the Times about the dwindling sense of pet-owner responsibility, parental control, and hormonally-induced teenagers being left unchecked and unsupervised, but also threatened to file a law suite to have Dog leashed and have his "family jewels" chopped off.
Mr. Young tactfully talked his busybody neighbor down and offered to replace his ruined pants and agreed to have Dog leashed (6). Tyler grudgingly walked away and that was that. After a few moments Ms. Moonchild pulled up in her ty-dye van with a peace symbol painted on the doors to pick her daughter up and The Adversary, Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Great Beast that is called Dragon, Prince of This World, Father of Lies, Spawn of Satan, and Lord of Darkness, answering to the name Adam, watched her go from his bedroom window with an absolutely bewildered look on his face.
"Aww," sighed Aziraphale, hands clasped and eyes sparkling. "How sweet!"
"Oh," moaned Crowley. "Bugger!"
- - -
Somewhere in the Iraqi desert, a lone girl with sun-browned skin and midnight hair, walked with single-minded determination westward, towards Great Britain. Towards Tadfield, where her destiny awaits. She is the Seductress, the Mistress of Evil, the Trap of Tramps, the Dark Queen of Seven Nations, the Harlot of Babylon, the Consort of the Beast, and her time had finally come.
"Adam Young," she whispered, a wicked smile spreading across her devil-red lips. "You are mine!"
1.) He decided that it really would depend on which one of them came up. If it was Mrs. Young, she would likely suffer a panic attack and, after her husband revived her with the smelling salts, she would immediately call Pepper's mother to come pick her daughter up and then would have a long, excruciating chat with her son regarding the dangers of unprotected sex and the virtues of prudence and chastity that would likely leave him disturbed, traumatized, and seriously considering entering into the priesthood. Conversely, if Mr. Young had found them, he would hand Adam a condom, wink, say "That's my boy," and then leave, never to speak of it again.
2.) With all of this simultaneously going on in his head, it's no wonder he took no notice of the strange goings on outside. Although Dog humping Mr. Tyler's leg was becoming a regular occurrence of late.
3.) Usually, when riding in the Bentley, Aziraphale wouldn't allow Crowley to even start the vehicle before he buckled his safety belt. "We're immortal!" Crowley would gripe. "What difference does it make?" The angel would only smile in that self-assured way and respond, "It's the law."
4.) After the Armageddon was cancelled, both sides opted to behave as though nothing had happened. However, the Metatron and Beelzebub knew that Adam Young was far too powerful to go mucking about the mortal realm unchecked, though in light of the boy's (in their opinion) "wishy-washy" outlook, they doubted he would be too much trouble. Still, living by the philosophies of "better safe than sorry," and "the punishment fitting the crime", they assigned Aziraphale and Crowley to watch over Adam, both to satisfy themselves that the Antichrist would be kept under close watch and that the two idiots that messed up the Apocalypse were being disciplined accordingly by being stuck on Earth, isolated from both Heaven and Hell, not realizing that it couldn't have worked out better for either of them had they planned it. Now they can enjoy Earth for as long as they wished and be able to call it work.
5.) It didn't occur to them to breathe through their noses, or at least it didn't to Adam. Pepper for her part was afraid she might accidently snort a booger on his face.
6.) Not if I have anything to say about it, thought Dog, thinking of several terrible things he could do to Mr. Young's slippers or Mrs. Young's good carpet if he were forced to endure that horrid instrument of bondage.
Dun dun duuun! Seems that romance is the farthest thing from either of our young protagonists' minds...or is it? And what has Crowley so worried? Is Dog starting to question his sexuality? And does Babs plan on walking all the way to Tadfield? As always R&R. Shibui out!