Chapter 3

TOBIAS

"Come closer to me Tobias," Tris said quietly and I closed the distance between us until we felt as one, breathing the same air.

"Is that better?" I asked her lying flush against her, my arms wrapped around her tightly.

"Almost," she replied and pressed her lips to mine, sliding her hand under the edge of my shirt and over the tattoo on my back. I kissed the soft skin of her neck, just above her collarbone and she sighed my name. Her skin is just like I remember, tasting like salt, like a night run.

"I told you I'd never have pure motives again," I whisper in her ear and she shivered against me sighing. I felt a wicked smile creep across my face.

"I love you Tobias," she said and kissed me hard and I kissed her back, crushing her to me. There was nothing like the complete feeling I had when she was in my arms.

"Four," says a voice creeping into my consciousness. I look at Tris and the voice comes again but it isn't her voice, and she doesn't call me Four. Then I felt someone shaking my arm. "FOUR!" comes the voice, more insistent this time and I open my eyes. It was Zeke. I was asleep and dreaming about her. It felt so real. "You awake now?" he asks me, nudging me once more. I thought about punching him for pulling me away from her. But it wasn't his fault and it wasn't real. She was gone. Or was she?

"What's going on Zeke?" I asked, sitting up. It was dawn so light shone through the window.

"Did you go into the fear sim yesterday?" he asked and I narrowed my eyes at him. It wasn't common knowledge, but wasn't a secret either.

"Yes why?"

"I did yesterday as well. Wanted to remember what it was like," he said and paused, an emotion flicked across his face.

"And?" I prompted, feeling a little like Alma.

"Did you see her? Was she there?" he asks me, gripping my arms tightly.

"What do you mean Zeke?" I ask, feeling a little concerned. Then I remembered the other fear about Evelyn and the blue ornament and felt the need to move into another room, away from the ornament. I glanced at it then obscuring the movement, place a finger to my lips and say to Zeke, "Would you like a drink?" Zeke looked at me strangely.

"Sure, thanks," he replies and we both walk into the kitchen though Zeke looks completely on edge.

"See who Zeke?" I ask in a low voice. "I think you better explain."

"Tris and Uri. They were both in my landscape. Tris said she was waiting for you. She said to say that she always loved watching you jump into the train," Zeke said and I gasped. There was no way he could have known that. Only Caleb was there that day, and he didn't hear her. "She said that you would know it was her. She said that it was bigger and more corrupt than she imagined. Uri said much the same thing after she left. What's going on Four?"

"I don't know, but I think we both have to go back in there without calling attention to ourselves. Don't mention this to anyone. It seems something big is going on, just when we thought it had settled down."

"But I saw his body, we had him cremated. We scattered both their ashes Four. What the hell is this?"

"I don't know Zeke. But I have a feeling we need to keep this secret. If by some miracle they are both alive, they have gone to great lengths to stay hidden for so long before contacting us. I think we need to be careful."

"I agree. I haven't told anyone yet but I wanted to tell mum and Shauna," Zeke said.

"No," I said shaking my head. "No one. Not until we know what's going on," I add. I do trust Shauna and Hana, but I am not willing to risk Tris' potential life on the chance this got out and the wrong people found out.

"Ok agreed. So now what?" he asks.

"Now we wait. Tris asked me to go back in, in a week. Did Uriah give you any information?"

"Same, a week. So we wait." We both sigh. It was so cruel that it seemed they were both somehow alive and we both had to wait a week to see them. "Why did you shush me?" Zeke suddenly asked and I raised my head.

"One of my fears. Just a precaution," I reply because deep down, I don't really want to know if Evelyn is lying to me so I won't check the ornament. I just want to believe that she really has changed and really does love me as a mother should. But again, I am not willing to risk the chance at seeing Tris again on that hope or fear. "What have you got on today Zeke?" I ask, trying to add some normality into the conversation.

"To save myself from jumping in again, I am going to head out to the outskirts of the fringe and take a new patrol out there to show them what we do," he said and I could completely understand. I thought about going with him. If I was near the serum, I would want to put myself under again. Actually, if I could just get my hands on some, I could potentially do it at home. I didn't need to be hooked up to a monitor. Perhaps Zeke and I both could. That should add a level of safety to the equation. Perhaps I should speak to Cara.

"Would a political assistant be a welcome traveling companion?" I asked and he grinned at me. I tried to make occasional trips out there seem fairly regular so if I ever had a purpose for going there, it would remain undiscovered and not raise suspicion. So far I had managed about one or two trips a month. I supposed once a Dauntless, always a Dauntless. I was always thinking ahead about defence, strategies of survival and so on.

"If that political assistant is you Four, then definitely. I'll head out and get ready. We may be gone overnight. Leave at 9:00 sharp," Zeke said and for a moment we both stared at each other. "Let's just hug already," he says and we grin at each other. It reminded me of the day he helped me get Caleb out. And so we do.

"Let's hope they are out there," I say and we let each other go. He nods and then heads to the door.

"See you in a couple hours. Last carriage of the 9 train," he said and leaves. I nod, more to myself than him. I would be there. This would give me a chance to try and get my hands on some serum. Should I involve Cara?

I tried to think of a way I could ask Cara for the fear serum without raising suspicion. This was going to be difficult. I needed to think like Tris. I sat down and put my head in my hands. Tris was strong and brave and self sacrificing. I have learnt that I am also strong and brave. They say we are the sum of all our parts – our parents, our experiences, our love. For that I was whole, now I am not so sure. Without her, I haven't felt whole in a long time.

I take a deep breath. Cara would give it to me without hesitation if I asked her to. I won't need to make up a reason. She is my friend. Though if she thinks it is because I am not healing or trying to be a matyr, she may not. I think the key is being whole.

I get dressed and pack a pack with some belongings in case we are out there tomorrow and headed into the science building to see Cara and Caleb. There was something I needed to say to him too. I was pretty harsh with him when Tris died, blaming him as if he didn't already blame himself. And I had never apologised to him, nor absolved him of that. And knowing and loving Tris as I did, I knew better. She forgave me and everything I did. Zeke and Hana forgave me. It was time to let go of the hurt and look towards the future.

A part of me justified my sudden change in heart at the hopes of seeing Tris again. One more glance, one more kiss. One more anything. And so far in two days, though not real, I had had a fair few "one mores" and they still weren't enough. I had to try everything I could to get that back even if there was only the slightest chance.

"Hey Tobias," Caleb said as he looked up from the prototype he was working on. Caleb and Shauna had been working closely together on getting a working prototype of the brace he had made six months ago for her. She was getting more used to the technology and they were looking at the option of using an adaptaion of the serum to have her mind speak more directly to the brace to make it feel more like she was actually using her legs. Though they hadn't even come close to the testing stage of that serum. We were all still a little scared of where serum technology could take us after everything we had been through.

"Hey Caleb," I said and swallowed.

"Cara is in lab 3 if you want her," he said and I nodded. Come on Tobias. Get a grip.

"Actually Caleb I wanted to speak to you first. I wanted to say that I forgive you. It wasn't your fault that she died and you didn't. I hope you believe it now, but I realised I had never actually said it to you and that didn't seem right," I said and Caleb's jaw dropped open.

"I finally understand," he said and I wondered if I had heard him correctly.

"Understand what?"

"Why she loved you so intensely. And why she was a better person for having met you, and why she loved me," he said, his voice breaking with emotion. My eyes teared. Get a grip pansycake, I chastised myself. Yesterday you cried twice. That's enough. You have made peace with it. Now leave it at that!

"That's kind of you to say Caleb," I said and kept my voice even. "But it's true, it was never your fault. I am sorry I blamed you. I was just very upset," I added, not that it justified my outburst at the poor kid.

"I understand," he said again and we both left it at that. "Thanks," he added and I nodded at him and left. I hoped I hadn't brought back the hurt but it was important to me that he knew I no longer harboured a grudge. Things had continued to be tense between us and I wanted to heal that rift if I could. What was the point on making it painful for both of us when it could be a much more pleasant experience?

I walked into the next lab where Cara was half reading some textbook and half concocting something. She was covered in an apron, gloves and goggles. What on earth was she making?

"Hey Tobias," she said without looking up at me. "Just give me a sec, this is very delicate." I waited patiently and watched the smoking mixture turn from orange to crimson. Then the smoke stopped and she grinned up at me, taking off her goggles and gloves as she walked over to me. "You need to come and have a look at this," she said and dragged me over to the crimson stuff.

"What on earth is it?" I asked and she just grinned at me. I hadn't seen her this excited since the day we were working on truth serums before the fall of the bureau and they had been heavily tested on Tris, the only person who was able to lie under the truth serum.

"A stronger fear serum that will allow you more control on your surroundings and you should be almost able to contact her at will. She told me what I needed," she whispered the last bit. She meaning Tris? But how did she see Tris? Cara had never been in a fear landscape. She wasn't Dauntless nor was she interested in seeing what her fears were. It wasn't something she knew how to confront or need to. Was it?

"I wanted to know what it was like," she said and shrugged, seemingly understanding the question in my eyes. On one hand I was incredulous that so far, three people had seen her. Three people was already too many if she was in danger. But on the other hand, I was glad I had obviously trusted my instincts in coming here and they were correct in knowing Cara would help me. Cara pushed her glasses up on the bridge of her nose. She still hadn't given them up.

"And you saw her," I whispered.

"She said to tell you she always has a backup plan," Cara whispered back. It amazed me that Tris was sending me messages through others, to make sure that I knew it was her. She knew I would have trouble accepting this. But again, these are things that no one else could know. Could they?

"So what do you mean contact her at will?" I asked, still keeping my voice low.

"Well I am sure you remember the blue serum that the Erudite used to get Tris to turn herself in. It was a long lasting transmitter that they could activate at will though it was mostly dormant. This serum is similar in that it remains dormant until activated and returns dormant afterwards. You can communicate with her during its active stage."

"And how do I activate it?" I asked.

"You aren't going to like it," she replied and looked at me. "You have to be confronting your fears."

"Like ziplining," I said, my heart already beating rapidly.

"That would work."

"Has this been tested at all?" I asked her.

"No. I finished it as you were walking in. If she was wrong, or I am, this could have the ability to put you into your landscape permanently," Cara stated, matter of fact.

"Excellent. Let's do it," I replied. One way or another, I was going to see her again.

"Aren't you heading out with Zeke today?" she asked me, hesitating.

"Yes," I replied nodding. She probably did have a point. "Fine. When I get back, you have to inject me with it, or I will inject myself," I said sharply.

"Come see me the second you get back. I will be ready," she said and with our agreement reached, I left.