Title: Backstage: Sound Crew

Warnings: Silliness, and sensuality. A fetish, and reaction to it. Foul language.

Rating: PG-13

Continuity: G1

Characters: Soundwave, Ratbat, Frenzy, Thundercracker, Skywarp

Disclaimer: The theatre doesn't own the script or actors, nor does it make a profit from the play.

Motivation (Prompt): Coercion

[* * * * *]

The void of power left by sudden death had to be filled. On Earth, the Autobots - and Stunticons - waited in breathless anticipation. Who would be Air Commander?

The Decepticons - except the Stunticons, of course - waited in amused patience. They knew who the Air Commander was; Starscream was just temporarily indisposed. But, appearances had to be maintained. Megatron would use Starscream's latest 'death' to his advantage, and it was his reaction that the rest of the Decepticons would base their own acts off of. Megatron led the Empire by example, after all.

Mostly, the Supreme Commander's example seemed to consist of laughing a lot. They were okay with that. Starscream's after-action report had really been a no-action report. The Decepticons had received the news of an already-conquered planet with confusion, some amazement, and finally a kind of muted celebration. Victory for the Decepticon Empire! A totally unexpected victory, but victory nonetheless!

Civilian victory at that. That particular detail had left Megatron helpless with mirth, helm thrown back against the top of his command chair as he guffawed. Civilians didn't get a lot of face time in the middle of war. To hear that a bunch of refugees from Cybertron had subjugated a whole world was surprising. Having the resources and cheerful servitude of that entire world suddenly at his disposal upped surprise into the realm of gleeful disbelief. The disgruntled voice of Skywarp in the background as Starscream reported all of this had just been the high grade cube in the midgrade energon.

Megatron laughed for hours. Then he had Soundwave replay the report for the rest of the underwater base - minus the Stunticons - so they could hear Skywarp's outrage and Starscream's good news themselves. The Stunticons were confused but chalked up the spontaneous party in the halls to belated celebration of the Air Commander's demise.

Soundwave made sure that was all they thought. He spied on them with the same care he monitored the Earth Autobots. One suspicious action, even an out-of-character word by the Decepticons could ruin Megatron's master plan. If the Stunticons found out, they'd betray Megatron's massive ploy. If Optimus Prime found out that the Decepticons were out conquering other worlds while Megatron played the megalomaniac tyrant here on Earth, the Earth Autobots would return to Cybertron. They'd fix their Earth-muddled cerebral circuits. They'd become unbearably lucky and competent again. The Decepticon Empire would suffer a monumental headache again.

Keeping the Stunticons and Autobots ignorant of the masquerade here on this dirtball planet required careful information control. That was Soundwave's job. The communications specialist kept the Stunticons ignorant of the true Decepticon Empire, but it wasn't always easy. The other Decepticons found the Stunticons' craziness an annoyance and a bit alarming, but Soundwave had decided it to be an ongoing irritation. Crazy mechs were unpredictable mechs. True, it made them a bit easier to control, but not enough to be reliable. The number of times he sent Breakdown scurrying back to his gestalt in a paranoid fit only just balanced against Rumble and Frenzy trying to keep tabs on Wildrider at all times.

Also, the Constructicons filed complaint logs every time they had to deal with the car combiner team. Soundwave hated the Constructicons' complaint logs. They'd somehow discovered his dislike of Earth languages and took turns submitting their logs in Japanese haiku. Verbally, if they'd been particularly frustrated by something the Stunticons pulled that day. It would make a lesser mech punch a fist through a console, but Soundwave was made of sterner stuff.

…okay, so the one and only time Soundwave had confronted the Constructicons over their irritating vice, they'd chosen to respond in a chorus of Swahili. That would have been bad enough, but Mixmaster had adopted a stutter-glitch that made listening to him an endurance test. Also, Bonecrusher had dropped his vocals intentionally out of tune. Soundwave had fled the repair bay.

Now he just kept his head down and silently loathed the Stunticons. He'd hate the Constructicons, too, but lesson learned: trying to get the upper hand on mechs who knew your build inside and out was an exercise in torture.

All of this had, somehow, led to a private meeting of the Decepticon officers on the underwater base's command deck. They assembled slowly as Soundwave sat out of the way at a console, hooked into the base comm. net. It was his assigned duty to coordinate a complicated distraction of the Stunticons. His part in the distraction consisted of patiently listening to Rumble and Astrotrain complain.

Today, Rumble played a total prank-happy idiot sweet-talking Motormaster into helping with a nasty little trip-up of a trap in the corridor outside of Astrotrain's quarters. Astrotrain had - on orders - picked a fight with the temperamental Stunticon leader yesterday. Today, Astrotrain sat in his quarters waiting for his cue, pre-bitching at Soundwave over his part in the distraction. It consisted of a role that could be summed up by Me Angry Victim Grrr-RAR Chase Stunticons Through Base Halls!

Everything seemed to be in place. Soundwave turned part of his attention to the actual meeting. Megatron presided over what officers could make it on short notice, since there were always those who pulled duty running Autobot interference. Scrapper had come on behalf of the Constructions, of course, and was quietly speaking with the warlord. Onslaught stood at attention, respectfully standing aside until called for; he represented the Combaticons. Shrapnel stood watchfully by him, just close enough to be clear he was there as one of the Combaticons' probationary officers. He also was the Insecticons's reprentative. Astrotrain had originally been scheduled to come as well, but he'd ended up taking Blitzwing's place in the Stunticon-bait game.

The abrupt change came about because the other triple changer had run into Cosmos on re-entry. Let it never be said that Megatron couldn't change plans on a moment's notice. Blitzwing and Blast-Off were now up in orbit, loudly exchanging opinions on the latest Weapon Of Doom and Mass Destruction and Kicking Earth Puppies. It hadn't actually been built yet, but Scrapper promised his team could whip up something sufficiently diabolical on short notice. The Autobots, according to what Laserbeak reported, were hanging off of every word from the two Decepticon shuttles.

The fact that they thought Cosmos, of all Autobots, was stealthy enough to spy…urgh. That was just a sad indicator of the Autobots' lack of mental health. Well, it took care of the weekend, in any case. Soundwave would update Shockwave after the meeting finished. Sometimes he thought the Decepticons needed a day planner for this slag.

Thursday: promote temporary Air Commander. "Yeah, Starscream's dead. Uh-huh. No, really?"

Friday: build Weapon of the Week. "You'll never defeat us, Prime!"

Saturday: let Prime and his crazy Autobot team 'defeat' the evil Decepticons. Collect on Swindle's newest round of Cliché One-Liner Bingo. "Wow, what a surprise. Didn't see that coming. Who else heard someone say, 'That's impossible'?"

Sunday: stick the Stunticons on clean-up duty while Ratbat and Swindle negotiate the latest oil purchase from Saudi Arabia. "Evil Decepticons, oh no, eek, call Autobots for help, yadda yadda…you take cash only? Sure. What nation's currency ya want that in?"

Monday: manufacture high grade from oil, just to keep everyone occupied. Bored Decepticon troops create their own fun. "One cube for Cybertron, two cubes for meeee…"

Tuesday: stick the Stunticons on clean-up duty after the inevitable party. Nurse hangovers and gather blackmail material. "No wonder the table collapsed. The hula skirt obviously tipped the weight balance."

Wednesday: actually accomplish something. Send clandestine teams through the spacebridge while playing a rousing game of 'Who's A Traitor Today?' back at the base to confuse any watching Autobots. "Who went where? Spacebridge what? No, no, he didn't go to Cybertron, he went to the repair bay!"

Thursday: plan the weekend. Wash, rinse, repeat. "Right. Who feels like kidnapping someone today?"

"Do I have to?" Astrotrain whined for the last time over internal commlink before opening the door to his quarters. "I don't care how much Humiliation Pay is, I still say it should be more than Hazard Pay. Pain doesn't last as long as Drag Strip laughing his aft off."

"Where are the other two parts of Reflector when you need him?" Rumble asked philosophically.

Soundwave tuned out the chaos of a Stunticon distraction going right and focused on the three remaining Decepticon Seekers on Earth. Dirge seemed twitchy. Ramjet had a fake smile plastered over his face like a good-luck charm. Thrust looked like Megatron had just brained him instead of promoted him.

"M-Me, sir?"

Megatron frowned thunderously. "Yes, you. I expect you to assume the duties of your new rank by the next duty shift. In everything but actual fact, you are to be the new Air Commander. Ransack Starscream's quarters, change everything in his office, gloat over those two," he gestured at the other two jets, who appeared to be paralyzed, "and pick two - no," Megatron paused to tap a thoughtful finger on his chin, "three new wings to transfer from Cybertron. Shockwave informs me that the Autobot resistance groups have been increasing their espionage attempts on the outposts on Cybertron. Yes…three wings of flyers, but start some kind of contest to determine which wings. Choose the wings beforehand, but I want a huge show of force and competition." A scheming smile overcame his frown, and all the Decepticons present were suddenly reminded that this was their warlord. He was the Supreme Commander, who masterminded the invasion of worlds. Deceiving Autobots was second nature to him by now. "Blow something large up. In fact, start a minor war between the flight ranks and Shockwave's ground troops. Why waste a perfectly good opportunity to distract Prime?"

Soundwave could think of several reasons, but most of them hinged on the fact that his workload had just tripled. It was bad enough that the Stunticons had to be kept ignorant while on Earth, but it was an information-editing nightmare when plans included Cybertron. The Autobots were a pain in the aft to keep track of, too, but at least he could delegate most of that to Shockwave's Tower Control.

"It's been a while since we've done a Cybertron-based plan," Scrapper put in. "We'll have to drill the troops on basic training for 'Raving Maniacs 101'."

"They enjoy it," Megatron said dismissively.

It was true. The Decepticons on Cybertron enjoyed getting orders to rant and misbehave.

There was one whole base that Starscream had 'taken over' during one epic fail of a plan (Take Over the Decepticons #210) that continually sent in requests to be used again. They'd apparently come up with a guaranteed way to look utterly insane for Autobot spies: they gathered in the common rooms and stared fixedly at a point in the wall. They didn't speak, and they didn't move. They just stared. It seemed harmless, but if extended in a straight line, all the points from all the common rooms intersected in the most heavily guarded room in the base.

It hadn't been heavily guarded until Autobot infiltrators started trying to break into said room, convinced the Decepticons were staring for a reason. Now the base averaged about one caught Autobot per month. They promised they could double that number with a new mindscrew of an act if their request went through. Maybe Air Commander Thrust should have a base of operations on Cybertron? Soundwave made a mental note of the idea as the meeting broke up into discussion of individual roles.

Speaking of the newly promoted Air Commander: Thrust was heading toward Soundwave with the same kind of expression the Constructicons wore when they had a Stunticon complaint.

Soundwave swung himself around in his chair to face the oncoming jet, bracing for whatever was coming. Technically, this Seeker now outranked him. He could give Soundwave orders entirely in mime if he so wished. It'd be an improvement over the haikus, honestly.

Hands slammed down on either side of the chair back, hemming the Cassetticons master in, and Thrust leaned in. "Contact Starscream," he growled in Soundwave's face, and his optics were noticeably manic. The communications officer carefully didn't react, but for some reason, Dirge and Ramjet seemed extremely relieved by their wingmate's words. How odd. "I don't care how. I don't care if you have to encrypt it and send it to him using the U.S. Postal Service. Contact him. I need orders." A slightly pained look crossed Thrust's face; an ambitious, self-reliant Decepticon asking for orders. Ouch. "And for Primus' sake, tell him that this wasn't my idea."

Ahhh. It seemed that the notorious promotion of Skywarp during the Bruticus debacle was coming back to haunt the Coneheads. Soundwave could use this. If Thrust didn't want Starscream returning with every intention of utterly destroying his temporary replacement, then the Coneheads were going to owe him major favors. Time to set some terms -

Thrust was suddenly in his face, hissing directly into an audio receiver. "Soundwave? Just so you know: I can speak Parisian French."

- ooooor not.

[* * * * * ]