Chapter 15

TOBIAS

I lay there, thinking. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't concentrate on anything or relax knowing that she was tantalisingly in reach, but achingly out. Every time I closed my eyes, I alternated between picturing Tris' face and the feeling of her arms around me and her lips on mine and then picturing her as Candice, slugging me in the jaw for hugging her.

My emotions were in overdrive.

I decided to go into the landscape to find Tris. Find out if this was her. I had taken one vial of the serum from Zeke and so prepared it now. I was scared about going into the landscape in case it was her, and in case it wasn't. How could I handle being around "Candice" either way? If it was her I would want to make her remember me, remember us. And if it wasn't, I was likely to fall in love with her all over again.

I injected it and closed my eyes. When I opened them I was surprised I wasn't in the dark room. It was more like the old landscape. I was atop the Hancock building. Back to my fear of heights. Odd. But still came the pounding heart, the erratic breathing that I struggled to get under control. I walked carefully along the narrow path that lead into the building, trying to keep it together. I was a lot better at moving through this fear than I used to be.

I mean by now, I had ziplined, climbed a Ferris Wheel and climbed the metal structure in the park. But thinking about it, it was all with or for Tris. As I thought about her now, I felt my fear dissolving. I made it inside the building and took deep breaths. I thought this would turn into the fear or claustrophobia, and I was correct to a degree.

The floor around me started disappearing, forcing me forward. I had to run full pelt to not disappear into the abyss. This was new. I could see a small gap ahead of me and I lunged to reach it. It was like an air conditioning shaft. I pulled myself through the vent and crawled along as the space got smaller and smaller. And enter the claustrophobia. I forced myself to continue on even though it was tight against me now.

Then suddenly I fell into water and the coldness startled me. I swam to the edge of the pool and pulled myself out. I wondered where this was going. And I wondered where Tris was. Normally I would be close to seeing her by now but something about this felt different. I walked, dripping, along the side of the pool and through a door. Then I was in our old Abnegation house. Marcus was there and he rounded on Evelyn, screaming at her.

"Look at how dirty this floor is," he screamed. I looked at where he indicated. He had just tracked mud into the house as he entered.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled.

"I'll make you sorry," he yelled and pulled off his belt. I couldn't stand the thought of him hitting her, so despite him also being my fear, I jumped in front of her and waited for the sting of the belt as it hit. I closed my eyes. It never came.

When I opened them again, I was standing with the canister of Tris' ashes in my hands. Eric was standing next to me. Gone was the greasy hair and about half his piercings. His head was now shaved all over but shorter on the sides. Interesting.

"It's meant to be," he said kindly. "You'll see."

"How is Tris being dead meant to be?" I asked him, tears streaming down my face.

"You know why," Eric said, prompting me. Everything in me told me not to tell Eric the truth. That somehow if he was a part of this, even though he seemed just like the landscape, I shouldn't tell him what I knew. "Why is it meant to be Tobias?" he asked and I was surprised at his use of my name.

"I don't know," I replied.

"Yes you do," he said and put his hand on my shoulder. "Why is it meant to be?" he asked again.

"Because she's back," I whispered, closing my eyes.

"Yes, she is," he replied and I opened my eyes. I was sitting on my bed, the landscape gone. No Tris. Could I not see her because she was back? Did I no longer have means to contact her? I doubted with the emotional turmoil I was feeling at the moment that I would be able to relax enough to contact her that way. And what was Eric doing there? How was he involved? Was he actually trying to help me? I was somewhat repulsed at the thought.

I was so frustrated at the moment that I decided to go down to the compound early and get in some time with a punching bag. I needed some kind of release otherwise I was going to go crazy. And between the smell of the training room, and the release of tension while I was training, I should be put into a slightly better frame of mind. Plus I had to meet with Amar anyway.

So I made my way slowly to the compound and went down to the training rooms. They were always deserted at this time of morning. I put my backpack at the side of the room and did some line touches to warm up before starting on the punching bags.

I had no idea how long had passed as I let out my emotions, punch after punch and kick after kick. I kept going until my body was aching and I struggled to move. I leaned against the punching bag, trying to catch my breath and slow my racing heart when I caught sight of someone at the edge of the room, watching me.

I looked up. It was Tori. Well, Tyrah.

"Hey Tobias," she said and started walking over to me. I nodded at her and went to my backpack to grab some water before I replied.

"Hi Tyrah," I said.

"You look tired," she said and I nodded.

"Couldn't sleep," I replied and she nodded, seemingly too understanding at my reasons.

"How are you coping?" she asked me and I looked at her puzzled. Did she know?

"How am I coping with what?" I asked.

"Candice," she said. "George and I stayed up talking all last night and he explained everything to me. We are going to make an effort to get to know each other and see how that goes," she explained and for a moment I felt jealous that George and Tyrah had formed an easy bond and were both going to be working on it. Given that they had both thought the other dead and hadn't seen each other in such a long time (longer than any of us), it was only right that they should be the first to reconcile.

"I see. Does Candice know?" I asked her nervously. I wasn't sure I wanted her to know. I thought it would make it more awkward between us.

"No. I'm not sure that would be a good idea," Tyrah said. "Based on my reactions at having a long lost brother, I don't know how Candice will go having a long lost love," Tyrah said and I thought it was quite level headed of her to think that way. She seemed quite considerate of the whole situation. Good attitude to have.

"How do you feel about it all?" I asked her. I did miss having Tori as a confidante. Tori was always ready to listen and help where she could, and being an older Dauntless, she was always full of experience and wise information.

"To be honest, I'm a little relieved that I'm not all alone in the world," she said. I nodded. "I always felt like part of me was missing and this is perhaps the reason," she added. Part of her missing? That was exactly how I felt about Tris.

"Shall we go to breakfast?" I asked and she smiled at me.

"I hope you're going to change first," she said and laughed.

"I had planned to, yes," I said and laughed as well. "See you in the mess hall?"

"Sounds great to me," she replied and we separated.

I went up to the instructor showers and showered and changed into some clean clothes before heading to breakfast. It was still reasonably empty so I sat down at an empty table and focused on my breakfast. It wasn't long before the buzz of people filled the hall and when I looked up, I noticed my table was practically full.

"How are you this morning Tobias?" Marly asked me, smiling. "You look tired."

"So everyone keeps telling me," I replied, grinning. "Did you sleep well?" I asked and Marly looked through her lashes at me, flirting slightly.

"I did," she said then turned to Zachuriah, "You snored Zach," she said, teasing him. Zach and Zeke. Cute. I wondered what their mum would make of it.

"So did you," he teased back and they grinned at each other.

"Did not," she said indignantly and we all laughed. I had missed having them all around.

Then in walked Tris/Candice. She was smiling to herself as she walked in and looked up as Zachuriah waved at her. Then she pinned her gaze on me and a soft smile lit her face. Was it Tris? Did she remember me? I forced myself to smile nonchalantly at her and focus back on my food.

Then she squeezed in next to me, between Marly.

"Morning," I said to her.

"Morning," she replied and she reached out and touched under my eye with her thumb. "You look tired," she said and I forced myself not to lean into her hand.

"Couldn't sleep," I muttered and she dropped her hand.

"Four!" came Amar's voice and I looked up. "Ten minutes in my office?" he asked and I nodded and I watched him leave the mess hall. I finished eating my last few mouthfuls then stood up.

"See you later," I said and left without looking at her expression.

I went up to Amar's office.

"Come in Four," he said as I approached his door, I hadn't even knocked yet.

"What's up?" I asked him.

"I wanted to see how you were doing," he said and I sighed.

"I'm struggling," I replied honestly.

"I can tell," he said and I remembered when he was my instructor. He knew me so well then. He could see all my flickers of emotion. And that wasn't always such a good thing. Right now when I needed the distance, he was making me face it.

"Not much I can do while they don't remember us. Just have to make her fall in love with me again," I said. But in order to do that, I needed to get some distance otherwise I would fall into a heap trying to do it. I would make it too much about Tris and not about Candice.

"And what about FourTris, have they contacted you again?" he asked me. He knew about FourTris?

"What's FourTris?" I asked, feigning innocence.

"They contacted me as well. Said they were working with you and had Cara and Matthew. But that's all the information we have," Amar said and I shook my head.

"Nothing new from them. I am hoping now the Protectors are here that someone will surface that we can actually speak with," I said.

"Fine," he said. "Let us know if you do hear anything," he added and I nodded. "I mean it Four, we are all on the same side."

"I know. I will," I said and he stood up and placed a hand on my shoulder. That made me remember Eric from the landscape. "Has there been any whispers about Eric?" I asked. Amar narrowed his eyes at me.

"Not that I have heard," he said. "Why?"

"Not sure yet," I answered and he just nodded.

"Ok well if you do get any information, let me know," he said and I nodded then left.

I figured I should go and do some work, so I started heading down the corridor, contemplating my next move with Candice. Then I bumped into someone hard and realised at the last second that it was Candice as she started falling backwards. I reached out and managed to grab her by the waist as I fell and somehow in the fall, we twisted so she landed on top of me.

"I'm sorry, I should have watched where I was going," I said and she looked startled but not upset.

"It's fine," she murmured and made no move to get up.

"Are you hurt?" I asked her and she shook her head, staring at me. What are you doing Tobias. Smooth move! Let go of the girl and get out of here!

"I'm ok now Tobias," she softly.

"Now?" I asked her.

"Yeah," she said, sounding mesmerised.

"Are you sure?" I asked her, wondering why she hadn't made a move to get up. I didn't think any part of her had been hurt, I'd surely cushioned her fall. My hands still rested loosely on her waist and as though they had a mind of their own, they began gently stroking her hips. Her hands had been planted firmly on my chest as we landed and they began gently feeling the material of my shirt. Then she seemed to snap out of the daze she was in and hastily pulled her hands away.

I sat up, cradling to her to me as I stood and righted her, letting go of her as soon as she was steady.

"I'm sorry I bumped into you," she said, staring at the floor. Oh great, now she couldn't even look at me. Way to go Tobias!

"No it was my fault. Anyway, I better go. See ya Candice," I said and began walking away. I hadn't gotten far when I turned to look back at her. She was staring at my retreating figure and held my gaze before I turned back around.

What the hell was I going to do?