Chapter 17

TOBIAS

It was dark outside when I next opened my eyes. I hadn't slept so well in weeks. Cradling her body to mine and the warmth generated between us was so comforting, so just… amazing. Words couldn't even come close to describing how I felt at the moment. In all the times we had fallen asleep together, I had never felt as I did now. I don't know if it was the fact that she had died and I never expected to see her again or if it the fact we weren't in open war, leading a rebellion or on the run, in fear of our lives.

But right now, snuggled against her warm body on the couch, there was no place I'd rather be. If everything that had happened so far was for us to get to this point, it was completely worth it. I had never felt so relaxed and at peace, even though she didn't yet remember me. That would come with time.

Given how dark it was outside, my whole apartment was dimly lit but there was a subdued light shining through the window onto her face. I studied her face. She looked so relaxed and at peace herself. I wondered if she felt as I did, laying here. I couldn't believe I had fallen asleep, nor that I had slept the whole day. I had barely slept in days and then ten minutes laying with her and we were both asleep. I also snuck another look at the tattoo on her collarbone. It was the same as Tris'. It had to be her.

Though I could look at her forever, I snuggled back down into her neck and kissed just below her ear. I wasn't trying to wake her but I felt the urge to do it. "I love you," I whispered and she stirred but didn't awaken. I fell asleep again.

This time when I opened my eyes, the first thing I saw was her eyes only a few inches away from mine, staring at me. She had turned to face me at some point, her arm over my waist, my arms still hugging her tightly to me. Our legs were layered together, hers then mine then hers then mine. She was practically enveloped by my body.

"Hi," she said shyly.

"Hi," I said back and leant forward, closing the distance between us and pressed my forehead to hers. She ducked her head and hid in the crook of my neck shyly. Tris had never been this shy with me… well actually that's a lie. She had been that shy, we both had. "Are you ok?" I asked her. I needed her to be ok with this.

"That was the best sleep I have had in so long," she murmured into my neck, not answering my question.

"I know, I can't believe we slept all day," I replied into her hair.

"We both needed it," she said.

"So are you ok?" I asked her again and pulled back to look at her. She looked up at me and didn't say anything for a moment.

"Yes," she whispered hesitantly and slowly a smile lit up her face. "Yes I am," she said, her voice more confident this time.

"Good," I said and brought my lips to hers, kissing her lips softly, gently grazing my lips over hers. Her hand grasped the back of my neck. I stopped and looked at her again. She had her eyes closed and she pulled me back down to her and her lips met mine again. The hand she had over my waist came around to my hip, clutching me to her but she made no move to put her hand under my shirt to feel my skin like Tris used to.

I had to keep reminding myself that she wasn't Tris. She was Candice. I couldn't rush her or I would risk losing her. It was a tall order to make my body remember when she kissed me like this. We lay flush up against each other kissing, until the sun came up. I forced my hands to remain as they were, not pushing her beyond her limits and hers never touched my skin.

Eventually both our stomachs were grumbling and we got up. I made breakfast of homemade pancakes from a recipe I had learn from Alma and we both sat at the table, demolishing them. Neither of us spoke about what had happened, but made idle chit chat. She did seem to be pensive and I hoped she wasn't over thinking anything.

"We should get back," she said eventually and I sighed. I would have preferred to stay here with her forever.

"Do you want to actually watch the movie?" I asked, thinking about snuggling up with her again and her face softened and we shared a smile. Then her face turned serious again.

"No, we should get back," she said again and I nodded, trying not to let the hurt show.

"Sure," I said and forced a smile. She looked down. I think she knew it was forced.

"I'm sorry," she said and I walked over to her and wrapped her in a hug. Her arms stayed by her side.

"It's ok," I said and slowly her thin arms came up around me and she hugged me back. She buried her face in my chest and I rested my head on hers. "It's ok," I said again and tightened my arms around her.

"We should go," she said again but made no move to let go of me.

"I know," I replied and she looked up at me. I leant down and kissed her again quickly then looked at her. Her hand snaked up into my hair and I brought my lips back down to hers and she trembled in my arms.

"No," she said, when we stopped a while later. "Let's go."

"Ok," I said and let go of her, packing up and locking up. We caught the train back into the compound and I delighted in the excitement she had in catching the train. So I decided to take her the back way. The old initiate way. Perhaps doing things that were familiar to her, would jog her memory? I hoped that didn't include ziplining.

"I have to jump?" she asked me, looking over the edge of the building at the gap below.

"Yep," I replied, nodding. She stared at it, absorbing the information and the view.

"Ok," she replied a minute later and grinned at me, apparently liking the challenge.

"See you down there," I said and started to climb the edge to jump off.

"No, I want to go first," she said and my heart skipped a beat. Did she remember?

"Sure," I replied and watched her carefully. No, she didn't remember. She climbed up onto the ledge and I was excited to actually watch her jump for the first time instead of just being the first to receive her at the bottom. She swallows hard then bends her knees and jumps. I quickly lean over the ledge to watch her plummet. And even though I know there is a net at the bottom and that she is in no danger, my heart skips a beat as the fear hits me.

She disappears through the dark hole and I hold my breath. A second later she lets out a whoop of delight and I feel myself relax as a grin sweeps across my face. I give her a few moments to clear off the net before I tumble down myself. The air whistles past my face as I fall and I feel the familiar sensation in my stomach before I land safely on the net and bounce a few times before rolling off. She's standing there staring at me, looking excited and windswept.

"That was fantastic," she said. I grinned at her.

"I have an activity that you will love," I said and she smiled at me. "Me, not so much. But you… definitely love it."

"Why don't you like it?" she asked me.

"Fear of heights," I answered.

"But if you're afraid of heights, why did you come this way into the compound?" she asked, tilting her head to one side. That was an interesting question. I had never thought about it that way and yet I came this way occasionally. Perhaps falling into known safety was different to falling into the unknown… but then why didn't I like ziplining? That was falling into known safety.

"I don't know," I replied honestly. She assessed my expression for a minute before we went inside.

"Thanks for yesterday, but I think we should keep it between us," she said as we walked through the tunnels. That sounded like a blow off if I had ever heard one. She definitely wasn't Tris right now. Admittedly there were times when I forgot. But right now, there was a very clear distinction between the two.

"Fine," I said curtly. My response was a little abrupt but I refused to say anything else. She had evidently made her decision. And as usual with Tris, I didn't always agree but she would inevitably have her way. Or would she? "Why?" I asked and stopped walking. She went a couple of extra steps before realising I was no longer beside her.

"Because," she said stubbornly, lifting her chin and wrapping her arms around herself.

"Because why?" I prompted and closed the distance between us but didn't touch her.

"Just because," she said and looked down. I put a finger under her chin and made her look up at me.

"Why?" I asked softly. She lifted her eyes to mine and placed a hand around my wrist and I was expecting her to pull my hand away but she didn't.

"Because I will get hurt," she said, so quietly I had to strain to listen.

"I would never hurt you Tris," I said and realised my error, "I mean Candice," I said quickly correcting myself but the damage was done. She pulled my hand away and stepped back.

"I'm not Tris, Tobias. My name is Candice," she said, pain making her voice hoarse.

"I know you're not," I said quickly.

"Do you though? I grew up with a mother, father and brother in Jericho. Their names are Natalia, Andy and Caleb. I have the tattoos on my collarbone to remind me of them. I was sent out here to assist with your training and further my own and to help defend against some crazy group who want to tear the town apart," she said quickly, keeping her voice low as she glared at me. "I did not come here for you to pretend I am someone else."

"I'm not pretending you are someone else Candice," I said trying to explain. "You will understand soon I hope, but for now, please just trust me," I said beseechingly.

"No Tobias. This can't go on. It was nice enough spending the day with you yesterday catching up on sleep. But we can't keep going," she said and dropped her eyes again.

"Please Candice," I said and moved closer to her, pulling her into my arms and pressing my lips to hers. I had to make her realise what she was walking away from. Her arms instinctively went around me and she kissed me back.

For about all of ten seconds.

Then she pulled back and slapped me hard.

"Don't do that again," she said, her voice breaking. "I don't feel about you the same way you feel about me. I am not Tris," she said and ran off.

I stood there staring after her with my hand on my stinging cheek. Now I had really blown it. But her behaviour belied her words. She had slept in my arms all day and most of the night. She had even put her arms around me, hugging me tightly to her. She had stayed there as we lay kissing. For hours. She had responded in every way, kissing me back and spending time with me. She had even kissed me back just now, her thin arms wrapping around me tightly.

Or was I just reading into it what I wanted to? I wanted her so much to be Tris. To just have her memory gone. Was it possible that she had just kissed me for the sake of it? That she just stayed with me because she was enjoying getting a good sleep? Was it possible that it wasn't actually her? I couldn't believe that Tris, even in an amnesic state, would push me away like this. Perhaps she had been trying to tell me that all along.

It couldn't be her. It can't be her. I was wrong. I had to be wrong. The pain at this realisation was crushing. I sat down with my back against the wall and dry sobs wracked my body. I couldn't believe I had been so stupid, so needy. And now I had wrecked a potentially good thing with someone who made me feel alive again. What the hell had I done? I needed the memory serum. I couldn't keep going like this, being with her without being with her.

Tris.

I needed to contact Tris.

I needed to go back into the landscape or something. I ran through the hallways and locked myself in the landscape rooms. I set it up and injected the serum. But all it was, was my fear landscape.

Heights.

Confinement.

Evelyn.

Tris dead.

But no actual Tris. I came back, frustrated. I forced myself to focus on my breathing, trying to calm down. I would have to see her through concentration. I mentally chanted to myself, breathe in, hold, breathe out. Breathe in, hold, breathe out. And I tuned out all the noise, focusing on the sounding of my heart beat, slowing it down until I was relaxed.

Then I reminisced about every time I had spent with Tris. From the time I first really saw her when she jumped, to the night we had spent together before she faced David. I focused on the details of each encounter with her – the look of her hair, the emotions and expression on her face, her knife throwing, her improvements in shooting, her words, her voice and the feeling of her body in my arms and lips on mine.

But still no Tris.

What had I done?