Sorry for the delay guys! Just wanted to get it right :)

Chapter 18

CANDICE

Why did I do that? Why did I push him away? Was it just because he thought I was Tris. Yes, that was why. He didn't want me, he wanted her. He would always want her. I wanted him to want me for me not because I looked like her. Or reminded him of her. Or whatever. I didn't even know anything about her, only that I was actually jealous of her. I had never really been jealous of anyone in my life but I was fiercely jealous now and I didn't like it. Who was she that he would hold on so tightly to her memory and wish I was her? How could I ever compare with that?

But honestly, it was almost worth the inevitable hurt just to kiss him. And fall asleep in his arms. And have his arms around me.

Almost.

I had never felt as I did when I fell asleep with him. And I had definitely never kissed anyone the way I had kissed him. I can't believe I stopped it the last time by slapping him. It was so hard to slap him and then walk away.

What the hell was wrong with me?

I tried to think about my oldest memory. A time from when I was little. But other than glimpses of my mother with her hair pulled back neatly and wearing a grey dress, I couldn't remember anything. Nothing before waking up in Fort Bragg. Was it possible that Tobias was right? Could it be that I don't remember because of something they did to me? Was it all a lie?

It had been a week since I had slapped him.

A week since I had seen him.

A week too long, really.

I still hadn't gotten him out of my head or off my mind. I was still thinking about it all and trying to make a decision. I sat down on the edge of my bed and put my head in my hands, dismayed. How could I see him and not be with him? But how could I see him and be with him? I kept going over all the possible scenarios in my mind even though it wasn't like me to procrastinate like this. I normally made a decision and stuck with it.

I must have sat there like that for a while because the next thing I knew, Marly was there trying to coax me into going to dinner. Apparently it was that time of the day. I must have skipped lunch. I hated going in there knowing that he wasn't there. And yet, I had brought this on myself. I only had myself to blame.

"Come on Candice, stop brooding and come to dinner," Mar said. "Not sure what happened between you two, but you're both being miserable and bad company," she added.

"You know Mar, I'm not very hungry," I said looking up at her. Then I thought about her flirting with Tobias and something in me decided that I should go to dinner. Plus, despite pushing him away, I ached to see him again. "But what are you talking about?"

"I know, but you should come anyway," she said, sitting down next to me and putting an arm around my shoulders. "I've been trying to cheer him up but he isn't having a bar of it. It's you he wants to see," she said.

"I know I should eat," I replied but didn't make a move to get up. "But I'm not sure it's me he wants. And that's the problem."

"Come on Candice," Mar prompted, ignoring my last statement and I nodded. She got up then pulled me to my feet and we both went in to dinner. She walked in the door ahead of me, smiling and waving at Zach. But when I saw Tobias sitting by himself, my heart ached and I stopped dead in my tracks. He looked terrible. He looked terrible and it was all my fault. Could I really do this to him? Could I do this to myself just because I was scared of possibly getting hurt?

He looked up at me and swallowed hard then looked back down at his food. I went in and sat down next to him.

"You look terrible," I said softly, putting my hand on his. He looked at me and smiled sadly. I went to take my hand away but he gripped my fingers in his.

"You look amazing," he said back and a piece of my wall crumbled. His thumb rubbed the top of my hand gently.

"What have you been doing since I saw you last?" I asked him.

"You mean other than think about spending an amazing day and night with you, falling asleep with you, kissing you and then finishing it off by fighting with you?" he countered, almost bitterly. I had never seen him like this. I couldn't believe I was running away just because I was scared. I didn't say anything for a moment and he took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry," I said finally, quietly. He turned and rounded on me.

"Since when have you ever backed away from something because you were scared of being hurt?" he asked me and I looked at him surprised. Again, it was like he knew what I was thinking and feeling.

"I don't know," I answered. Was he right? Was I running away for the wrong reasons? I looked down at his plate, it was empty. "Can we go for a walk and talk?" I asked.

"So you can slap me again when I kiss you?" Tobias asked, staring at me. "No thanks." Wait, he still wanted to kiss me after how I had behaved? Why did I pathetically like that idea?

"Please Tobias," I asked and he sighed again.

"I can't Candice."

"Please," I asked once more. I couldn't stand to see him so haggard. I had to make this better. But could I make him happy at my own expense? I needed to work this out.

"Fine," he said eventually, "but after you eat something." I rolled my eyes at him.

"Fine," I replied and put some food on my plate and after a few mouthfuls, I asked, "Why did you kiss me?"

"You want to have this discussion here?" he asked and I looked around, hesitated, then nodded. I needed to know. I needed to have the facts if I was going to make a decision about where to go from here with Tobias. I needed to know if it was going to be worth the hurt.

"Please, help me understand," I said.

"Can it wait until we go somewhere?" he asked me and I looked at him.

"Ok," I said softly.

"If you give me a chance and just trust me, I will answer all of your questions and take away all of your fears Candice," he said and I felt another piece of my wall disappear. Damn him. Why was he so damn wonderful?

"Ok," I said again and stared at my food. I wasn't sure I could eat but I wanted to know.

"Eat," he said and I gave him an unimpressed look. He actually laughed at me and I was relieved to see him laugh.

"Fine," I said and took another mouthful.

"Fine," he said, trying not to snort while he was laughed at me.

Eventually my plate was practically empty. "Good enough?" I asked.

"Good enough, you ready?" he asked and stood up. I nodded and followed him. We walked to a different part of the compound than I had seen since I had been here, until we entered a set of out of the way sleeping quarters.

"Where are we?" I asked, looking around.

"These were my quarters when I was a trainer here," he answered. "Apparently no one has moved into them yet," he added. "I thought it would be a good place for us to talk uninterrupted."

"Sure," I said, suddenly nervous. We sat down on the edge of the unmade bed. "How did you know they were empty?" I asked him.

"I went for a walk. I needed some space to think."

"I was a bit the same," I admitted.

"Seems we were both rather affected by what happened," he said and looked at me knowingly.

I wondered if this room brought back memories for him because I was having some odd sense of dejavu but what I mostly remembered was being hurt. I somehow knew Tobias wasn't the cause, that he was a source of comfort. Was this a memory? Or was my mind just making things up? Was my mind trying to rationalise being here with him in this situation? Being scared of being hurt although something made me think the last time was physical not emotional.

"Are you ok?" he asked me, taking my hand in his.

"I think so," I answered. We sat there in silence for a minute and his thumb began stroking my hand again. "So answer my question," I said taking my hand out of his and crossing my arms tightly across my chest.

"Which one?" he asked and I saw the hint of a smile play at his lips. He just wanted me to say it.

"You know which one," I replied, narrowing my eyes and this time he did smile.

"I do not know what you're referring to," he said, faking aloofness and I started to smile back. He poked me in the ribs, tickling me and I giggled, shrieking and pulled away, dashing off the bed. He was quick as a flash.

"Come on Tobias," I said giggling as he came after me. "Stop tickling me!" He chased me around the bed and caught me around the waist and tickled me again as I giggled uncontrollably. "Tobias!" I protested again and he stopped his ticklish torture, though his hands stayed on my waist. I remembered how warm they were and I could feel their warmth now through my shirt.

"I'm just trying to make you laugh," he said softly as he pulled me back to him.

"I hate how much it's working," I replied as we sat down again. "So why did you kiss me?" I asked him again.

"Because I wanted to," he answered, I felt unsatisfactorily. He must have noticed the somewhat sour look on my face. He didn't say anything and I thought about what else I wanted to know. This didn't really say much for his "I will answer all your questions and take away your fears". Short answers like this didn't do much for either of those points.

"Do you still want to kiss me?" I asked

"You know I do," he breathed and I flushed.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because I like you."

"Why? Is it because you think I am her?" I asked and held my breath. Please don't be because you think I am her or you wish I was her.

"No Candice," he said and pulled my hand to his lips and kissing my knuckles. "I like you because you are smart and kind and caring. You are fiery and mysterious and stubborn and frustrating. Regardless of having similar traits to Tris, I would have fallen for you anyway." Well that was a revelation.

Ok, so that wall that I said was crumbling… what wall? It was now non-existent.

"But you don't even really know me," I said, still futilely trying to fight the inevitable.

"You know that's not true," Tobias said softly, pulling me into his arms. "We both know each other more than you think." It was true, I did feel like I knew him deep down, even though I had actually only known him for a couple of weeks. How else would I feel this way about him?

"Fallen for me?" I asked. He smiled down at me. I was fishing and we both knew it. I wanted him to say it.

"Yes, Candice. I have fallen for you. This last week apart from you has been ridiculously difficult. Perhaps it wouldn't have been as hard had we not spent a night together. And had we not kissed. But we did and we have. And I can't stop thinking about kissing you again."

"Are you sure it is me that you want and not Tris," I asked, protesting one last time.

"I want you. Just you," he said and brought his lips to mine and I was lost. His arms wrapped around me tightly as his body enveloped mine as we lay back on the unmade bed. He pulled back an inch and looked at me. "I couldn't bear the thought of losing you," he said, his voice hoarse with emotion. "You know I will always find you. Always!" he said emphatically.

"I know," I said and somehow it was true. I did know he would always find me.

"So are you still afraid?" he asked me.

"How could I be?" I replied and he smiled.

"Good," he said and brought his lips back to mine. Then I stopped to look at him.

"I have something to tell you. I might be in love with you," I said, smiling a little, repeating words that sounded familiar to me, "I'm waiting until I'm sure to tell you though." Tobias looks at me, completely startled. Are the words familiar to him as well?

"That's sensible of you," he says, smiling back at me. "We should find some paper so you can make a list or a chart or something." His response sounds similar, like something I would say. I laugh into his chest.

"Maybe I'm already sure and I just don't want to frighten you," I add. He laughs, the sound rumbling though him and he hugs me.

"Then you should know better," he says, grinning. The conversation is sounding very familiar. Then his gaze changes and he moves his hands to cup my face, staring me square in the face. "I love you," he says then whispers, "I've always loved you," his breath tickling my ear before he kissed just underneath my ear before trailing down my neck and across my collarbone.

"I love you too Tobias," I whisper and then completely lose my train of thought as our kisses become all-consuming. We are so devoted and ardent in our affection for each other, so totally consumed by each other that we didn't notice the room filling with people.

A group of people in masks burst through from all directions and a bunch of them started shouting orders menacingly. Who the hell did these guys think they were? How did they breach the compound? How did they find us in an unused section of the building? What did they want… or who? Us? They were dressed all in black and most moved with the grace of athletes or fighters… or both.

"Get down on the floor and no one gets hurt," said a man with a deep voice. Something about the voice tweaked a memory but I couldn't work out what it was. Tobias and I instinctively went into defence mode and started fighting back. I landed a few good hits on the two who were trying to pin me but a third joined them and they managed to get the drop on me.

I was pinned on the ground with my cheek on the mat and someone's knee buried in my back forcing my arm forwards, straining at my shoulder painfully.

"Let me go," I said, struggling against them in vain. "What do you want with us?" I asked.

"Candice," Tobias yelled as he saw me hit the floor.

"Unless you want her hurt, you will do exactly as I say," the man said again and I saw Tobias look at me anxiously, still resisting. "Now Tobias!" the man bellowed.

"Don't hurt her," Tobias said and gave in to their demands. "Down on the ground Tobias," the man said and Tobias was "assisted" to the ground next to me. Tobias reached out for me. My mind raced about how we could get out of this situation and work out what was going on.

I felt something cold and sharp press against my neck as they injected something into my neck and everything went black.