I do not own the rights to Neon Genesis Evangelion, or any of the characters, equipment, or locations written in this fanfiction. The purpose of this fanfiction is merely for the non-profit enjoyment of other readers. If requested by Gainax, Hideki Anno, or other parties which represent aforementioned objects in this story, I will remove it promptly.
Chapter VIII:
Shinji trembled, spilling the hot tea all over his school uniform. The late night snack did not, as both Ikari and Ibuki discovered, settle their stomachs. Maya simply held her head in her hands, her hair clawed between her fingers as she huddled into the kitchen countertop. Shinji was already wretching in the bathroom, the tea at least easing the process. It was just past eleven o'clock at night, both of the roommates needing sleep for the final day of the work week. However, sleep was not coming.
The toilet flushed, and a few rinses of the sink later, Shinji emerged somewhat pale and unsteady. Ibuki looked up through bloodshot eyes, and walked, taking very light, easy steps to her companion. He was still hesitant, she noticed, trying to shy away from contact. It amused the woman how she was the one who always had to initiate. She, the more shy, introverted of the two, was the one who had to take the first steps. No, she considered. She was the least battered and worn of the pair. Shinji was shy for more than the simple anxiety experienced by the usual Aspie. His lack of contact came from the disorder and the countless thrashings he took once physical contact was made. Even Pavlov's dog would not need half of the sorties or social disasters Ikari had experienced to dread another individual.
Maya slowly traced her hands up Shinji's back, stroking his shoulder blades. Those were the least sensitive spots which he didn't mind contact. His head and hands, she had learned, were simply off-limits, until she truly earned his trust. "Come on," she whispered softly. "You need to sleep."
Ikari shook his head. "Can't," he muttered, resting his chin into her shoulder. The pain in Maya's neckline eased as the boy took a deep breath, straightening his back. That was the only thing he could say without breaking down into tears again. Maya didn't want to hear him cry again, he realized. When she saw him cry, she immediately started crying, as though their lack of subtle expression made each other more vulnerable. Or, she realized, it could have been the meltdowns. Both had reached their limits to what they could handle from NERV a long time ago.
He felt guilty about making her upset, and chose simply to stop talking.
Unfortunately, Maya also could find nothing to say without her lips quivering. The words "share", "bed", and "sleep" were the only intelligible things he could hear the woman say. The discomfort he felt at the situation simply escalated. Surely, he realized, Maya Ibuki was not the type to engage in desperate acts of intimacy. She was no Misato, that was for certain. However, the simple fact he was sitting numbly on her bed, waiting for the woman to change into comfortable pajamas did not settle the matter. He could not read her, no matter how they learned each other's ticks or stims.
A systematic approach to a physical syntax does not always make clear intentions, even amongst those of the gifted intellects.
The oversized white t-shirt was warm and comfortable on his tone frame. The khaki shorts kept a comfortable level of distance between him and his roommate. Maya, apparently had the same idea, arriving in a casual yellow t-shirt, gray shorts, and low-cut socks. She hated feeling the cold air and bedsheets on her feet.
Again, there were no words between them as Maya sat beside Shinji, and slowly fell to her side. The twin-size bed was just barely large enough to hold two thin people. It was still manageable, however, for both of them to have some personal space. Shinji simply sat, staring mindlessly out the partially closed window curtains, the air passing through the opened glass. The only signal sent between them was Maya's hand brushing gently over Shinji's t-shirt, her fingertips caressing his side. He moved with uncomfortable jerks, lying parallel to Maya's fetal position as he stared at the bedstand's lamp.
"Shinji?" she asked.
Shinji rolled slowly onto his right side, facing the woman. His eyes avoided contact with her face, instead focused on the closed bedroom door, and the warm, beige blanket being wrapped around the both of them. "Please... leave the light on..." he pleaded. Maya simply stared back at him until he met her eyes. It was the first time Maya remembered being able of reading the emotion in someone's eyes, and only because it was so overt an expression. "Please," he whispered.
Ibuki nodded sadly, her arms hesitantly testing every movement as she held the boy by his waist. There was still anxiety with being this close, but it was not as intense as before. She noticed the fear faded the closer they were to each other. The pleading look in Ikari's eyes started to fade as exhaustion overtook him. The warmth and closeness of her body wrapped in the blankets urged him forward.
"Okay," Maya answered, closing her eyes.
•••••••••••••
Rei jolted from her bed, still wearing her school uniform. The unusual sensations would not leave, she realized. There was no way to stop these detestable emotions. At least that's what she thought they were. Hadn't that been what many of her colleagues referred to them as? If a sensation which interfered with her ability to function rationally wasn't an emotion, nothing was.
She tried several techniques to relieve the stress, all of which proved futile. The last, and most obscure, she noted, was this meditation she heard so many of her classmates discuss. The idea of keeping the mind quiet, relaxing in a comfortable position, and refraining from thought was the most contradictory method for problem resolution. How could a solution arrive if the brain was denied the chance to think? This reminded her of the unusual advice Asuka gave her for difficult decisions: to "sleep on it."
There was that annoying thought again, the First Child mentally cursed. She detested the fate which first removed Ikari from her daily encounters, and now claimed the Second Child as well. The blue-haired girl knew her destiny, of course. She had a great role to fulfill, and it involved sacrifice. More than that limited information was classified, but she understood the magnitude of the sacrifice necessary. However, she never thought until recently that she could not face the conclusion alone.
Life, she considered as her body rocked back and forth in a useless attempt at comfort, was an ironic tragedy. Only now, when she discovered how much she wanted others around her when the final time came, was she denied their comfort. Unlike her prior attempts to remain distant and be denied that request, she was in the reverse situation. She demanded the company of her friends, yet they were all gone.
Sitting up, wiping the tears from her eyes, Rei looked out the bedroom window of her apartment. This was the fifth time in an hour she considered the outdoors. The weather had turned miserable, temperatures dropping to ten degrees Centigrade, with gale force winds, and heavy showers projected for the next forty-eight hours. She detested the weather. It always interfered with her existence, and was never ideal when she desired it to be. Yet, she thought again for the fifth time in that hour, she would be willing to endure it for the forty-three minute walk to the major's apartment.
Of course, no action had resulted the four times previously she had willed herself to do so.
In the back of her mind, Ayanami could have sworn she heard a mocking laugh. That was right, she considered. If the redhead were here, that is exactly what she would have done. 'She would be mocking the indecisive "doll"', the albino told herself. 'She would be mocking me for refusing to make a decision, and she would be right.'
Locking the door behind her, with no protection from the elements beyond her uniform, Rei Ayanami set out on her quest into the darkness.
•••••••••••••
Misato Katsuragi stopped crying nearly an hour before, but refused to move from the kitchen table. Pen Pen had long since fell asleep at her feet when a knock sounded at the door. That was the unusual part about the visitor. She never used the doorbell, but chose to rap her knuckles on the hard metal surface as though she needed to confirm her body was physically there. Perhaps she was trying to experiment with the various surfaces she encountered each day. That, or as Makoto suggested, "that girl is just weird..."
The major gazed through puffy red eyes at the similarly red eyes of Rei Ayanami. The girl's hair was disheveled, as though she had just awoke from a deep sleep. Her school uniform, rumpled from thrashing in her sleep and damp from a second session of rain, did not suit her for this particular visit. "Major..." she started.
"R-Rei?" Katsuragi asked. Misato wiped at her eyes frantically, trying to straighten her face into a smile. "You can call me Misato, okay? We're not on duty." Then the lavender-haired woman noticed the girl's wrinkles that creased her forehead. "Is something wrong?"
Ayanami, always straight to the point, now hesitated. "I am... having difficulty."
"With?" Misato coaxed.
Ayanami's hands started twitching, her left clasping over her right to steady herself. "It is... difficult to describe, this emotion," she began. "Since Pilot Ikari's departure... it seems myself and several others have not been able to function properly." Misato stared in confusion, the words slowly sinking in. Perhaps it was the tears that started to pass through the First Child's defenses, grazing her pale skin. "I... I-I find it hard to do... the most simple tasks..." Ayanami bit her lip, the tears surprising her as if a wholly new, confusing sensation. "I... don't understand-"
Misato, at that point, did what she did best. The albino was quickly wrapped in the woman's arms, pulled close into a tight hug. The pilot's defensive training tried to kick in, but was blocked out as the previous emotions overrode her analytically-trained reflexes. This primitive side of her brain, the blue-haired girl realized, was something she detested more than anything in this world. Refusing to eat meat, trying to efficiently analyze her environment, and restricting her interactions with others did not defend against this portion she tried to keep locked away.
For the longest time, Rei did not speak. However, it was a silence all the more human and comforting than her alien behaviors from before.
•••••••••••••
Hikari was tired. She wasn't necessarily tired of being with Toji and Kensuke, nor of their late night study sessions. Rather, she was tired of each of their study sessions turning into a memorial for another friend.
They had held the first one when Toji ended up in the hospital, each swearing to the other they would never give up. Just as Suzahara regained his strength, however, Shinji disappeared. Their second meeting took place during a break between Toji's physical therapy. Then there was Shinji's return, only to disappear again, leaving his friends behind indefinitely.
Now it was Asuka's turn, and each of the trio had a sneaking suspicion she would not be making a comeback.
They sat together in a small corner of the physical therapy building of the public hospital, neither of them saying a word. Toji finally broke the silence. "My father is thinking of moving to Tokyo-2." Hikari and Kensuke both looked up in surprise, only to see the jock glaring towards the track he had limped, trotted, then ran as he struggled back from near death. "I didn't get this far just to watch every last one of my friends die, but I'm not going to watch these maniacs just toss everyone I care about at the enemy like cannon fodder."
"But, they still have a pilot, don't they?" Hikari gasped. "I mean, they have to have more, right-"
"More kids, like US?" Toji snapped. Horaki shrunk back. In all of their time together from elementary school on, Suzahara had never lashed out at her like that. The shock was little, though, compared to the words that bit through her like fangs. "You really want Rei to keep fighting for our sake? One girl, one of our friends... all to keep us alive?"
Suzahara, however, regretted his words, as Horaki's eyes teared up. Somehow, he could not apologize, no matter how much he wanted to. It wasn't because he told the truth, or because Hikari was weak. No, he couldn't apologize because deep down, he knew the pilots deserved better. He knew from first hand experience they deserved a lot better.
Aida rose to his feet, and started to walk away. Toji, pulling Hikari into a hug, was the only one who looked up as the nerd left. As if he could feel the question from his friend's stare, Aida pushed his glasses back up the bridge of his nose, but made no eye contact. His back turned to them, he simply stated, "I'm fighting for myself, now. I can't afford to turn away."
"Ken!" Toji yelped.
Aida snarled. "Those monsters got it coming..."
•••••••••••••
The insistent ringing of the door chime startled Misato awake. She turned to Rei, noticing the girl wide awake, her eyes focused like an animal on the door. Katsuragi took a deep breath, and considered who else would be bothering her this late at night. Three o'clock in the morning, the major realized, and she had another visitor. Looking back at Ayanami, the girl still clinging to the pillow from the living room sofa, Misato sighed, bracing herself as she answered the door.
The metal hatch pulled away, Kensuke Aida standing, soaking wet, his eyes seemingly on fire. "I want in!" he demanded.
"K-Kensuke?" Misato squeaked. "W-what are you?"
"I want in!"
"O-Of course!" Misato gestured towards the living room. "You're welcome any time, Aida. What brings you-"
Kensuke was glad to know Toji did not know him from elementary school, and the more turbulent times of his youth. There were aspects of him neither Suzahara nor Hikari should ever have seen. His mother was also fortunate not to have seen him after her death, and the way his thoughts twisted. Those who knew him from before, those who tried to help him sort through his hatred of what happened, they all distanced themselves. Even after he managed to find a way to simply slack through the stress, the demons within him still clawed at the back of his mind.
As the nerd glanced up, his face twisted into a feral snarl. "You don't freakin' get it, do you?" he spat. He considered taking a few deep breaths, as the therapist had suggested after that fight in fourth grade. However, he had burned through all of his adrenaline long before on the flat-out run to the apartment. the hate was still there, eating at him from the inside out.
In such a situation, Kensuke Aida knew the one and only cure to pain. He was never one for conflict resolution. Aida was a problem eliminator.
"The Eva... You have a volunteer." Kensuke clenched his teeth in pleasure, just imagining the howling screams of his enemies. Perhaps they would sound like that boy in fourth grade, who told him his mother didn't love him anymore. Misato stood frozen, forcing the boy to lash out again. "What are you waiting for?" he snapped. "Do it, now!"
Major Katsuragi took a step back, allowing Rei to see the death glare in the boy's eyes. The hidden emotions she contained for so long had already weakened, and another sensation passed through her mind. This, she realized, was fear. Fear for an Angel, she could grasp, but fear for another human, that was not part of the plan.
Not at all...
End of Chapter IX
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