This would have been updated yesterday if I could have logged in, that is.
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Carla bent down and picked up the pregnancy test quickly. The last thing she had wanted was for Peter to see it but now he had, there was no going back. Now he had seen it she knew that he wouldn't be able to look at her in the same way again.
Not until she found out anyway, not until they both knew if she was carrying Nick's baby.
"What's that?" Peter said, although he obviously knew what it was. Everything that surrounded him almost blurred into one as he stood on the street with Carla. All he could see was what she was carrying and the wretched look on her face.
"What does it look like Peter?" Carla sighed then she turned around and began walking again. She didn't want to go home and be alone but she knew she just had to get away from Peter.
Unfortunately for Carla, Peter wasn't about to let this situation lie. He walked behind her and said,
"Where are you going?"
"Where do you think?" Carla snapped as she walked faster. Peter had to run so he could catch up with her and as he stopped right in front of her, Carla shook her head at him. "Peter… Go home… leave me alone… please."
"Do you think you're pregnant?" Peter asked, his eyes were already tear filled as he stood still in front of Carla.
It was bad enough her being with Nick but if Nick had managed to get her pregnant… there would be no going back.
Not this time.
"Honestly Peter what is with the stupid questions today? Of course I think I'm pregnant… I mean why else would I buy this stupid thing? For fun?" Carla said, pushing past him. She was almost home but as he followed her towards her building, she knew that she wouldn't be getting rid of him that easy.
She stopped outside her building, her eyes full of tears, her face pale. Peter could tell that she was scared, frightened of what the future might bring and there was no way that he was going to leave her alone.
"Carla…" he began but he didn't actually have a clue what to say.
"Seriously Peter… just go home. This has nothing to do with you." Carla said miserably, she got out her keys and began opening her door when she heard Peter say,
"You shouldn't ave to be alone at a time like this… you should probably tell Nick, he should be there."
"Well you weren't there the last time so I think I'll manage." Carla said bitterly although she knew that it wasn't Peter's fault that he wasn't there when she took that last pregnancy test.
"Yeah well you can't blame me for that Carla… you chose to do it without me and ere you are… choosing to do it without Nick." Peter said shaking his head at her.
"That's right Peter, I'm choosing... this is my choice… not yours, not Nicks, mine! So keep your nose out and leave me the hell alone." Carla said, slamming the door behind her.
Peter didn't know what to do. He felt like kicking that door down and following her upstairs to his flat but since he didn't know which number she lived at, he began hopelessly walking away from her building.
He felt totally useless and as he walked past the pub he thought about going in there and telling Michelle about what had just happened.
He knew that Carla wouldn't appreciate him doing that though, he knew it would make her even angrier with and he desperately didn't want that. Then he remembered that Michelle and Steve had taken Amy out and that Michelle wouldn't be in there anyway. So he just went into his Dad's house instead.
The house was totally empty and as he sat alone he just couldn't get the image of Carla pushing Nick's baby around the street, out of his head.
It was an image that Peter couldn't bare.
She was supposed to have had his child, not Nick's. The entire situation was so messed up, so wrong and Peter knew that he was completely to blame for it all.
Sitting on his own and imagining the idea of Carla giving birth to a baby that wasn't his was pushing Peter past breaking point and when there was a sudden knock on the door, Peter got up and rushed over to it.
He opened it praying that Carla was stood there with some answers but of course it wasn't her. Peter cursed himself for being so stupid because, why would it have been her?
It was Simon.
"Hi Dad." He said brightly. "Are you ready to go?"
Peter wasn't ready. He was nowhere near ready for an afternoon down the park with Simon but what else could he do but nod. It wasn't fair on Simon to do anything otherwise and as they spent the next few hours, shopping, playing football and chatting, there was a part of Peter's brain that was totally and completely focused on Carla.
It was when Simon and Peter were sat having dinner in a restaurant near to the park that Simon finally asked,
"What's wrong Dad?" He'd been watching his Dad all day and he could tell that there was something not quite right. "Is it... Carla?" Simon asked.
"What makes you say that?" Peter said, hating that his feelings were so obvious that even a twelve year old could figure them out.
"Well… it's always Carla." Simon said delicately. "It seems like your always thinking about her these days."
"How bad is that?" Peter sighed, "I mean ere I am on an afternoon out with me kid and It's completely flipping obvious that my mind is somewhere else?"
"It's not bad Dad…" Simon said guiltily, wishing he hadn't brought up the subject now.
"Well it's not good either Si… especially after the week we've all had, I should be thinking about Deirdre, your Granddad or you… not Carla." Peter said in a very self-loathing manner. "I reckon I need to sort out my priorities."
"Dad… it's not wrong for you to think about Carla… you love her, she's a big part of your life." Simon said watching his Dad worriedly. Peter just brushed the conversation off but Simon continued watching him throughout their meal and even though Peter was trying desperately hard to remain positive, Simon knew his Dad was slowly but surely losing it. He was scared that everything that had gone on in his Dad's life for the past week was beginning to take it's toll and he was also scared that if things continued, his Dad might be tempted to drink again.
Simon decided he had to do something.
Peter dropped Simon to Leanne's at almost six pm. He had thought about going to Carla's building and maybe texting Michelle to ask what number she lived at but then he went against that decision.
He couldn't really force his way in could he? He couldn't press her buzzer again and again until she let him in.
Feeling defeated and even more useless than before, Peter went home. He went home and found his Dad and Tracy cuddled up on the sofa together watching an old film.
"Alright Peter?" Ken asked because upon looking at his son, he could immediately tell that something wasn't right.
Peter looked at his Dad and his sister, he looked at how comfortable they were on that sofa and how they deserved this peaceful evening that they were sharing. He also thought about what his Dad had told him last night about Carla. About how he thought Peter needed to not get involved with her relationship with Nick so much.
Peter knew that once again the only appropriate thing for him to do was to nod and say,
"I'm fine Dad." He sat down at the table and even though his mind was in overdrive, still wondering if Carla had taken the test or not, he knew he just had to sit and wait it out. Carla wasn't supposed to be his concern anymore.
Peter sat at that dining room table in his own little world and let his family go about their business around him. Ken and Tracy's movie finished then Amy came home from being out with Michelle and Steve. She told Ken and Tracy about her day and showed them some of the things that she had been bought, other stuff went on but Peter didn't notice. He let everything wash over him as he tried his absolute hardest not to completely lose control on the situation.
Hours must have passed by before Peter realised that he was alone again. He had heard his Dad mumble something about going to the pub for a drink with Tracy and he knew that they had taken Amy with them.
Peter wished they hadn't left him alone with his thoughts. He wished they had made him go along to The Rovers with them because as he sat there in the deafening silence of the house, his mind was taking him to dark and dangerous places.
There was no way on this earth that he could stick around and watch a pregnant Carla live her day-to-day life.
He couldn't watch her slowly but surely get bigger. He couldn't see her body change and make way for the life that she was growing inside her, not when once upon a time he was responsible for a life that she had once carried.
A life that was so tragically lost because of him.
As Peter felt a tear run down his cheek, he felt as if the four walls around him were beginning to close in. He got up off his chair and walked over to the bar, which held a very dangerous and temporary answer to all of live's problems.
As he lingered about in front of the bar there was a sudden knock at the door. The knock was almost like a beacon, stopping him from making a really huge mistake.
He assumed it would be Ken or Tracy but as he got closer to the doors he realised that they both had keys and that they wouldn't be ringing their own doorbell. Peter practically threw the door open and there she was.
A tearful Carla was dressed a khaki green T-Shirt with black jeans. Her eyes were red and her hair was still curly from last night.
"I got a text from Simon." She said quietly, "Can I come in?"
"Sure…" Peter nodded and he stepped aside so he could let her in. Carla made her way down the hallway and went and sat straight down on a chair at the table. She'd been to the Barlow's so many times this week that the place actually felt like home.
Peter went to join her at the table and even though he couldn't wait a second longer to find out if she was pregnant he didn't ask her, instead he said,
"So... what did this text say? I mean I didn't even know Si had your number…" Carla sighed and shook her head at Peter in a way that made him feel even more hopeless than before.
"Si said that you two went out earlier and that you were really down…" Carla began, "He said he were worried about you and that he wanted me to come and see you… he said he thought it might help."
"That kid…" Peter said, half laughing and half wanting to cry. "I already explained to him that it's just been a rough week that's all."
"Yeah well he's worried about ya Peter." Carla said, "What I wanna know is why he thought I'd be the one who could help you?"
"I dunno do I?" Peter said although he wasn't quite looking Carla in the eye.
"You sure about that?" Carla asked with her head on one side, "You weren't talking about me when you two were out earlier then?"
"No." Peter lied.
"Why don't I believe you?" Carla asked, her tone wasn't supposed to be an angry one, she was just wondering if Peter had told Simon about the pregnancy test thats all. Peter took Carla's incessant questions as her being annoyed and said,
"Okay fine, we were talking about you, in fact we were talking about the fact that I am still besotted with you and how instead of thinking about my family right now all I seem to be doing is thinking about you."
"Look Peter… I was just curious if you told Si about earlier that's all…" Carla said, Peter's words had moved her but she tried her very best to keep herself composed, even though the tears were getting harder and harder to ignore as the minutes went by.
"I didn't tell him." Peter said.
"Good… because I haven't told anyone… not even Nick." Carla said staring down at her hands.
Peter couldn't leave it any longer. He just had to ask,
"So… what's the verdict then?"
Carla blinked as a tear fell down her cheek and landed on her T-shirt.
"I dunno." She said shrugging.
"You don't know? How can you not know?" Peter asked causing Carla to sigh heavily.
"Because I aven't taken the flaming test yet that's why!" she snapped. Peter didn't say anything at first, he just sat with Carla in silence for a moment. When he looked at her it was like her eyes were completely glazed over, she was almost looking right through him, deep in thought.
"Carla…" Peter said. Ending the silence between them.
"I just couldn't do it." She said, "I tried… I really did but I…" Carla shook her head, still in disbelief that any of this was happening.
"When did you… y'know start thinking that you might be…" Peter said but he stopped talking because he couldn't bear to say the word pregnant.
"Last night… I was sat with Chelle and she mentioned the fact that she was expecting her period and it suddenly occurred to me that I hadn't had mine... I'm two weeks late and that never happens to me. The only time it ever did was with…" Carla wiped her eyes and shook her head again.
"So where's the pregnancy test now then?" Peter asked Carla. She blinked hard and took a deep breath as she went into her bag and pulled it out.
"I was gonna ask Michelle to do it with me… but when I got to the pub she wasn't in so I decided to do it on me own and that's when I saw you." Carla said. "I'm… not really sure what I'm doing now though."
"I think you should just take it now." Peter said.
"Oh you do, do you?" Carla said with an eyebrow raised.
"Yes I do… Come on Carla, we both know that dragging it out isn't going to change the outcome." Peter said, "And as selfish as this sounds the not knowing is seriously driving me insane so god knows what it's doing to you."
"Yeah well… you know what they say… ignorance is bliss." Carla said, although she had already convinced herself that she probably was pregnant and that her life as she knew it, was about to change.
"This isn't ignorance Carla… this is you, trying to avoid something that you already know is a possibility…" Peter sighed rubbing his forehead with the palm of his hand. "I honestly think you should just take the test now and get it over n done with."
"And I honestly think you should just mind your own business." Carla said lazily, as if she couldn't even be bothered to argue with Peter about it anymore.
"You bringing that thing into my house kinda makes it my business." Peter said leaning back on his chair slightly.
"This isn't your house." Carla scoffed but even she could see that her remarks had started to get a little petty.
"Do you remember the other day when I came in ere, with that bottle of JD and you said that I was trying to push you away?" Peter asked.
"Yeah…?" Carla nodded slowly.
"Well it seems like that's what you're doing to me right now… and it's not going to work." Peter said, normally he'd be acting all smug and glad that he had one up on Carla but given the situation there was nothing for him to be pleased about.
Carla looked down at the pregnancy test that was on the table and bit her lip. She wished that Michelle had of been in earlier. That way she could have sat with her and waited for her to have taken the test. She didn't want to do it on her own but she also didn't want to do it in front of Peter.
Not after everything they had been through, not after the loss of their own precious baby.
Carla thought about the last time she had taken a pregnancy test, she thought about how Michelle had been there and supported her through it. She didn't think she would have got through it without her and she was sure that she wouldn't get through it this time either.
"Carla…" Peter said, "Michelle's back now… Amy said they'd gone shopping but I know that she's only next door."
"Are you trying to get rid of me or something?" Carla said a little taken aback because she thought Peter wanted her to go home.
"Of course not." Peter said softly, although if he was honest with himself this was not a situation that he wanted to be part of. He wanted to be there for Carla of course but he wasn't sure he could cope with being part of such a defining moment in her life, especially since what ever happened in this moment, could change their lives forever. "I just thought you'd want her ere that's all."
Carla thought for a moment and then shook her head. As much as she didn't want Peter to have to endure her taking the test, especially since he'd not had the best of weeks, Carla really felt like she needed him. She needed him there and couldn't bear to get up to go and see her best friend instead.
"Peter…" She began and then she shook her head, "Y'know what? You've already been through a lot this week... maybe I should just go." Carla said, getting up and changing her mind about having Peter with her whilst she found out the fate of her future.
"No!" Peter cried, getting up with her as well. "Don't go Carla… please." He begged.
"Peter I can't do this to you, it's not fair." Carla said shaking her head again.
"Of course it's fair… Carla, I ave put so much on you this week. Let me return the favour... I mean we said we were friends didn't we? Let me help you through this... as a friend." Peter said and when Carla looked down he was holding on to one of her hands. She took a deep breath and nodded at Peter as they both sat back down again.
"I'll take it in a little while… just not this very second."
"Okay but as I said, dragging this out won't change a thing." Peter said.
"Yeah yeah I know… besides… I don't need to go right now?" Carla said shrugging as if the whole situation was rather casual, as if trying to make light of it would help.
"Is that so?" Peter said, he got up and went into the kitchen. When he returned he came back with a pint glass full of tap water. Carla glared at it and then looked up at Peter, "Down it." Peter said smiling smugly, as if he'd just thought of the best idea in the world.
Carla rolled her eyes and picked up the glass of water, she sipped away it and when she was finished, Peter went back into the kitchen and refilled it. When he came back and put it in front of Carla she frowned at him and said,
"Alright Peter, give me a flamin chance to let that last one go down properly."
Peter chuckled and let Carla have a break from the water. He watched her as she looked around the living room and tried her best to avoid his gaze.
"Where is everyone?" She eventually asked.
"Next door." Peter said,
"How come you didn't go with em?" Carla asked fiddling with the bracelets on her wrist.
"I'm not sure really… I sort of zoned out earlier." Peter said. Carla nodded at him understandingly and looked down at the pregnancy test, which was still on the table. "You ready to go yet?"
"No." Carla said simply.
"D'ya want another glass of water?"
"No."
There was a silence and as more time seemed to pass by Peter was sure that Carla must have needed the toilet by now. He watched her as she fiddled about with her bracelet and it was then that he realised she still wore the one he'd bought her on their second christmas together. He was amazed to see that she was still so fond of it and as she stared down at what she was doing, the silence between them was then ended. It was ended by the sound of Carla's phone from her bag. She pulled it out and saw Nick's name on the screen. She sighed, put her phone back into her bag and closed it.
"How come you aven't told him?" Peter asked her, She shrugged and shook her head.
"I don't know." She said, "I mean I guess I'd rather know first, so I can make a decision for myself and not for Nick... I need to know how I feel about this before anyone else..."
"Is that why didn't you tell me then?" Peter said and Carla had guessed that he was talking about the first time she had got pregnant.
"I was scared Peter… I still am." Carla said and as her bottom lip started to wobble, she quickly took a deep breath.
"You don't need to be scared Carla… I'm ere." Peter said sincerely. Carla gave him a sad yet appreciative smile and said,
"Thanks Peter."
"And anyway… Nick seems to have been really supportive with this Erica woman. As mad as this situation is I'm sure he'd do the same for you." Peter said, he didn't know much about Erica and Nick but it really did seem like Nick was on his way to being the perfect father.
"Oh god... how ridiculous is it gonna be if Nick flamin Tisley has managed to knock up two women at the same time?" Carla said cringing and imagining her and Erica both waddling around the street with Nick in between em.
"Well we won't know until you take that test." Peter said raising an eyebrow at Carla and imagining the very same thing that she was.
"How did the funeral arrangements go this morning then?" Carla asked, delicately but so that she could rapidly change the subject.
Peter knew what she was doing but allowed the conversation to chance pace because he didn't want to push Carla into anything. He understood that this needed to go at her pace.
"Terrible… me Dad and Tracy couldn't agree on anything." Peter said sighing, "Anyways it took forever but it all seems to ave been sorted now… It's on Wednesday."
"Wow…" Carla said sadly, "that's soon."
"It sure is…"
After a few more pints of water and after Peter thought that he was being a right genius by getting some "encouraging" sounds up on You Tube, which included a tap running and some waves on a beach, Carla finally needed to use the toilet.
It felt like Carla was gone hours even though it was only a few minutes or so. She came back with it wrapped in a tissue and put it on the table. Peter watched as she sat down on the armchair, it seemed as if she was trying to sit as far away from the pregnancy test as possible.
"How long does it take?" Peter asked,
"It doesn't… it's one of those ones that tells you straight away." Carla said.
"Well… what does it say?" Peter said,
"I haven't looked yet." Carla cried shaking her head. "I can't do it Peter… I don't want to know… not yet."
"Okay…" Peter nodded although the suspense was killing him and it was almost as if Carla could tell what he was thinking because she said,
"You look..." Peter shook his head at her and said,
"I can't…"
There was a small silence, one where neither of them spoke or dared to look at the white stick that was on the table.
"Peter…" said Carla quietly.
"Yes…" he said.
"Do you ever wonder…? I mean d'ya ever think about…" She sniffed and let her tears finally spill down her cheeks. "Our little girl."
Peter swallowed as Carla sat in front of him in tears, it wasn't long before he found himself crying along with her. He wasn't used talking about their baby not with anyone. He'd always tried his very best to avoid the subject but now he was starting to see that maybe they should talk about it.
Maybe it would do them the world of good.
"No…" Peter said, Carla frowned at him so he quickly made sure he continued so that she didn't get the wrong end of the stick. "I didn't let myself think about her because when ever I did… I got this urge… this urge to drink and never stop… I came so close once… I came so close to drinking again and the only thing that stopped me was thinking of Simon. Now I'm back ere though… now that I'm around you… things have changed… especially today."
"Peter… if you don't want to talk about her..." Carla began but was interrupted by a distraught Peter.
"I do… Carla I do… I think we should. We never really got a chance to before." Peter said. There was a small silence, one where the only noises that could be heard were the sounds of Carla and Peter's breathing.
"I named her y'know?" Carla said wiping her eyes, "I didn't tell anyone but I already had her name in me head from the moment I knew I were pregnant…" Peter sniffed and got up off his chair, he bent down in front of Carla and took hold of her hand. He was waiting for her to tell him the name she'd given for their unborn baby girl but again, he didn't push her, he gave her time. "Maia…" Carla eventually whispered, "Maia Barlow."
"Maia Barlow." Peter breathed, tears spilling down his cheeks. He cleared his throat and tried to calm himself down but he simply couldn't. Carla nodded at him in tears and took another deep breath. "I'm so sorry Carla…."
"Yeah me too." Carla said almost chocking on her tears but Peter shook his head.
"No… it's all my fault… It's my fault that she's not ere right now and I am so so sorry." Peter cried, down on his knees and utterly heart broken.
"Peter…" Carla said, shaking her head this time.
"If I hadn't of caused you so much stress… If I had of been a better husband then... then maybe she would have still been here." Peter cried.
"And maybe she wouldn't ave Peter…" Carla sobbed, "The doctor said it was just one of those things… don't blame yourself Peter… please don't blame yourself." Carla found that her arms went right around Peter who was still on his knees below her and that she pulled him close so that his head was rested against her chest.
For a while they both sat and cried in each other's arms. They were both inconsolable and they needed this moment to grieve together.
They needed this moment to grieve for Maia Barlow.