Chapter 8

She trembled a little and held her breath when she placed her hand in his. She knew that, once she made that step, there was no going back. Within these few seconds that it took her to reach out, she had a million things on in her mind. She couldn't know where all this would lead them. It felt so new to her, to have someone whose presence made her feel so different. Someone she couldn't get out of her head; she couldn't shake off the feeling that it was a dream and he'd turn his back on her after a while. What if he couldn't deal with her past? None of them could know that at this moment, she wasn't even quite sure that she could deal with it all by herself.

He took her hand carefully in his and held it softly, just like he had when he'd helped her with the cut in her hand. She had trusted him once, if only for a couple of minutes. Regina waited, not quite sure what to do. Robin carefully closed the distance between them and waited. He didn't want to push her; he knew that he needed to be gentle.

Regina looked into his eyes and tried not to avoid him. She still found it difficult to speak; she was so emotionally exhausted that she had no chance but to give in. Slowly, she let him pull her a little closer. The warmth of his body was soothing and still she felt very tense. Regina took a few deep, slow breaths and leaned against his chest. She felt his heart beating against her body, his chest moved slowly with every breath he took and with each passing second she relaxed a little more. Regina closed her eyes and got lost in the moment. Suddenly, it felt so right and so soothing. She didn't know what she'd expected, why she had always fought to keep everyone away. She'd hated embracing people because it invaded her personal space, the one that she kept hidden from so many people. She'd always feared that they would see how miserable she was, all the while praying that someone would take notice. She wasn't in any position to scream for help. People would simply laugh in her face. Quietly, she'd been wishing for someone who looked beyond all that and here she was. She couldn't promise that she'd always allow him to be this close, couldn't promise that she wouldn't push him away from time to time but she promised herself that she'd try.

She was so touched by his gesture that she felt completely overwhelmed. She couldn't even cry any more. When she leaned into him entirely, he wrapped his arms around her and held her close; aware of how fragile and precious that moment was. Her head rested on his shoulder and slowly, her ragging heart slowed down. The memories of her earlier nightmare returned. She felt drained and tired, empty and lonely. The mere thought of it now seemed unbearable but she reminded herself that, for now, she wasn't alone.

The man of her memories, the man with the lion tattoo, was still nothing but a stranger that she happened to come across to so many years ago.

Maybe it's time to let go, she thought.

Deep inside she knew that it wouldn't be so easy but maybe one day, it would be.

It hadn't been real, but the King's laughter echoed in her mind. She knew that one too well and it would haunt her for a while now. She still felt ashamed and suddenly her mind wandered back to a place where she never wanted to return to. A place she didn't want to be. A castle she didn't feel loved in and where everything made her feel like she wasn't good enough. For many years she'd had endured this until she'd believed that herself. She had always tried to prove herself that she could do better, until she'd lost track of what she'd wanted or what she'd tried to achieve because, in the end, nothing would change.

She got lost in that ancient pain, allowed these demons to take over again but when she felt his strong arms holding her she forced herself back. His scent was soothing and the steady rhythm of his breathing made her feel sleepy. She hadn't had a good night's sleep in many nights and it was finally catching up on her. She didn't know how long they'd stood there when she leaned against his chest with her eyes closed; her breath had become calm and even.

"I think you need to get some sleep," he whispered softly and she didn't even protest when he held on to her hand as they walked out of the hall.

No one said a word and Regina allowed him to lead the way as she held on to him. She kept her eyes straight-ahead, following absent-mindedly. Maybe he'd been right; the lack of sleep weighed her down.

In the corner of her eye she saw him looking at her, as if making sure that she was still beside him. The walk back to their rooms was quiet but the closer they got to her room, the more she dreaded it. She knew that she couldn't go back, not tonight. The aftermath of her nightmares still lingered inside of her, chilling her to the bone. Regina suddenly stood still; she needed to find another room for tonight. There were plenty of vacant rooms, surely one of them would do. Robin looked at her and waited, trying to figure out what was going on inside her head; what he knew was that he wouldn't let go.

"I'll find another room," she said quietly, her voice heavy with sleep.

She hated to part ways now, she didn't want him to leave. She didn't know whether she'd have enough strength to let him past her walls come morning and she couldn't rely on him to come back after every time she pushed him away.

"Come on," he said and walked toward his room. He opened the door and waited for her to enter. She'd been here before but she didn't quite remember anything, her memories had been clouded with pain and tears. The room was tidy and somehow comfortable. There was a fire crackling in the fireplace, bathing the room in soft colours. It wasn't big but it seemed more comfortable than anything she'd seen in the castle for a while. She looked around the room until she found his face. She didn't know where this would lead and what she wanted and he seemed to have noticed her slight confusion.

"Don't worry about me," he said softly. "You need some sleep, I'll find another place," he said calmly and Regina simply nodded.

Did she really want him to leave now?

When Regina sat down on the edge of the bed, she felt the exhaustion washing over her body. She felt numb and hollow, wondering if she'd ever find a way to ease that feeling. Robin walked around the bed and crouched down in front of her.

"Is there anything you need?" he asked and Regina shrugged. She really didn't know what she wanted any longer.

She looked up and found his ice-blue eyes. They were warm and soft, filled with concern and worry. He didn't even try to hide it from her. She looked into these eyes and allowed herself to get lost. Suddenly she was, once again, aware of their closeness and how soothing it was. There was a sudden urge to feel loved. She was afraid that he'd be gone soon.

He reached out to Regina, gently tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. His hand lingering for just an instant and she put hers on top of his, leaning into his touch; she closed her eyes. She wanted to kiss him, feel him. She must've failed to hide her need.

"Regina," he whispered. He wanted to kiss her more than anything, wanted to hold her and make her feel loved but tonight wasn't the right time.

"Not tonight, love," he said.

Her eyes glistened with unshed tears when he held her face in both hands and kissed her softly on the forehead. She understood and she knew she should be grateful because he put his own desires far away for her sake. She lay down on the bed and as soon as she let herself fall into the soft fabric, she drifted off to sleep. She didn't even have time to ask him to stay.

***

It was early in the morning, when he made his way back to his room. The Merry Men had decided to go on a hunt a little earlier because there was a storm coming in. The air was unusually warm this morning and there was a dark storm front coming in from the west. When he got dressed, he thought about last night. He knew he wanted to get to know Regina, wanted to know what troubled her so mercilessly. He needed to know her, his wish to be closer increased every single day. He'd thought about kissing her, it took all his strength not to do so. He knew that it wasn't the right time. He didn't want her to regret anything when she didn't even know what she actually wanted and needed.

Robin knew that she had a lot of baggage; there were dark things from her past that he didn't know about. She kept it locked up deep inside; he'd wanted to stay by her side but in the end he left her to sleep on her own. He needed some distance, time to think. He'd stayed awake for a while, wondering if he had enough strength to deal with it.

There were moments when he had doubts.

Would he really be strong enough to help her through this? Did he really want this? What would happen if it didn't work out?

He knew that it was actually too late to go back because it'd leave two broken hearts behind. In the end, he knew that he had to try, because something about all of this felt so right. There was this quiet voice inside his head that told him that he needed to have faith.

He paused for a moment before he opened the door to his room and for a second he wondered if Regina would still be there, a part of him had expected her to be gone already. He stepped inside without making a sound, that's what had made him a quick thief and great hunter. She was still sleeping soundly, resting in the same spot she'd laid down hours ago. From afar she looked almost peaceful.

For the first time since they'd met, he had time to regard her undisturbed. The first hints of daylight fell through the window, enlightening her face softly. This was his chance to see the real Regina.

There was no make-up, no fancy dresses and hairstyles. There was no hiding behind a mask in deep sleep.

She looked so peaceful but he knew that she was fighting. Even in her sleep, she appeared a little tense. As much as he'd loved to sit by her side and watch her, he knew that his Merry Men were waiting for him.

***

Regina slowly woke from her sleep but for once it wasn't a nightmare that roused her from slumber. She kept her eyes closed and listened to the sound of rain that fell softly. It was a soothing sound and the smell of fresh rain reached her nose. It suddenly reminded her of happier days, so many years ago. She shifted a little and the smell of rain mixed with something else.

Robin, she thought.

She turned around only to find the room quiet and empty. It seemed really early and she had no intention to leave this room. She turned on her side, facing the window. She knew it must be shortly after dawn but dark clouds covered the sky. Regina got up from the bed to open the window; the sound of the rain grew a little louder, falling in a steady rhythm. The cool air touched her skin, making her shiver but it felt wonderful to be able to breathe. She returned to the bed, still feeling somewhat drained. She must've slept for a couple of hours. She didn't recall any nightmares and still she didn't feel rested. She would stay here, maybe sleep a little longer. There wasn't much to do any way.

Her head hurt, her body felt heavy and the idea of sleeping seemed utterly appealing but after a couple of minutes she drifted off to long-gone memories, unable to go back to sleep. She couldn't let go of all these negative thoughts, no matter how hard she tried.

The sun was about to set, her room was lit in various shades of orange and her pure white dress glistened magically in the light of the setting sun. It took a while until she'd understood the irony of all of this.
The past few days had passed in a haze of wedding preparations, parties and pretended happiness. At some point Regina had become so detached that she wasn't even sure what day it was. It wasn't until her wedding dress had been brought to her room that she'd realized that her time was up. She had missed her chance, there was no more running.
She'd stared at the dress, trying to prolong what had to be done. She wasn't in any position to make a decision. Her mother's grip on her tightened with the slightest hint of resistance and the weight of the whole kingdom suddenly lasted on her shoulders.
She closed her eyes, the last rays of sunshine caressing her face. She gripped the railing with both hands, trying desperately to hold on to something. She watched the sun going down slowly with all the hope she'd had.

They hadn't even given her time to mourn the loss of the man she truly loved. She couldn't talk to anyone, because no one could ever know. Her mother didn't give a damn; Regina was just a piece in that ruthless game she was playing for her own good.

She had crushed the man's heart right before her eyes and she couldn't even say goodbye.

Suddenly, Regina panicked.

She became short of breath, everything started spinning around her. Regina held on to the railing while she bent her knees, sobbing and screaming with fear and frustration. She felt hopeless and scared. There was no one to calm her; the only person she needed was gone and she was forced to mourn his loss quietly, dressed in a wedding gown that should've been for him.

She had loved him so much and yet she hadn't even had the chance to love him fully, with every part of her body, with every inch of her soul. She had promised herself to him willingly, out of pure love and now it had all vanished. She stared down at herself, the wedding dress torturing her beyond imagination.

This was her wedding day. The day where she was supposed to be happy and glowing with joy, but instead she cried out of hopelessness and pure anxiety. As much as she wanted this day to be over, she dreaded the end of the day with all her heart. The thought of her 'wedding night' made her shiver with disgust. She didn't even want to imagine what awaited her at the end of the night.

It took her minutes until she was able to control her tears and slowly the fear gave in to sheer resignation. She watched the last rays of sunshine disappear with all her hope and left.

***

Regina didn't move; she stared out of the window, unable to push these memories away. She still remembered that day like it happened yesterday. It had settled in her conscience and had ruined her. She wasn't innocent in her past, but until that day she certainly had been.

She had been nothing more than an innocent child, full of hope and love. It now dawned on her how much harm this one day had done to her.

A child, she thought and a tiny part allowed her to remember her own son whom she had lost not so long ago. She had been so self-absorbed that she couldn't even mourn his loss but when she felt all the pain, she refused to allow herself to go there and leave it buried for now.

Regina was so wrapped in her thoughts that she didn't even notice that Robin had returned. She couldn't move, even if she'd wanted to, couldn't close her eyes so she simply stared out of the window. Robin walked around the bed to see how she was doing. For one moment he'd assumed she was still asleep. He crouched down once again and looked at her. She didn't speak but there was a slight change in her expression when she saw him. It'd been a moment of acknowledgement before she was gone again. He saw it in her face; the light had vanished from her eyes. She was staring into nothingness, lost and retreated to some dark and painful place and he knew there was nothing he could do to get her back now but he wouldn't leave.

Without another word, he laid down beside her. Carefully he laid an arm around her waist. Only when he felt her fingers tighten around his, did he pull her a little closer.

It seemed like an eternity that they spent lying in each other's arms, drifting in and out of sleep, listening to the endless sound of the rain that wouldn't stop. It must have been early in the afternoon when the weather suddenly cleared a little.

"Where are you, Regina?" he whispered into her ear and she tightened the grip around his hand just a little in response.