A/N: I know it's been a while! I hope you all had a lovely summer, I'm back and ready to write! Enjoy!
Regina leaned into the embrace, his strong arms holding her protectively. Her defences had come down in his soothing presence, his soft kisses and tender touches that made her feel safe for the very first time in ages. She had felt lonely for such a long time, unloved and unwanted; she had pushed away everyone who had tried to breach the solid fortress that had protected her for years, or so she had thought. In the end, it had done nothing but isolate her in hate and fear, making her feel incredibly lonely. Regina had doubted that anyone would be capable of loving her after everything she had done. She had lost faith in herself; she couldn't imagine that there were people out there who wanted her and looked at her with love in their eyes. She had ruined her one chance and she had never believed that she would get a second one; she didn't think she'd deserved it.
After she'd been married to the King, she had not only lost hope but also love. She hated herself when she looked in the mirror, staring at a hollow reflection that didn't seem like her any longer. She didn't like the person she saw and she couldn't expect anyone to like her either let alone love her. She hated herself for being so weak in the first place. For not trying and fighting harder to get away and suddenly she'd been trapped for the rest of her miserable life and the thought of a future, captured in palace made her feel anxious and absolutely terrified.
She hadn't had any hope; not after her marriage and not after being taken back to the very place that had caused her to lose hope, after destiny had slapped her in the face with all its strength. Being in Storybrooke had not only given her a son she knew she would never have here, but it had also put a respective distance between her demons and herself. She'd been able to block out all the memories that no one was supposed to know about. She doubted that even Snow knew the truth about the things that had happened in her precious castle. It would shatter her pretty perfect world and somehow Regina felt the need to protect her from that, as odd as it seemed. It would shatter everything the princess had ever believed in and deep inside Regina didn't have the heart to do that.
Regina didn't want anyone to know, because it wasn't any of their business. They seemed pretty happy with the image of the great and terrible Evil Queen, always someone to blame, and as much as she hated it, she didn't want them to know the truth. She didn't need their pitiful looks or their concern. A part of her knew that she couldn't keep it locked up forever but a part of her still blamed herself and made her feel so ashamed that she couldn't bear sharing that with anyone.
She took a deep breath, her forehead still resting against his. He kept her close and his presence slowly soothed her aching wounds. She suddenly had that overwhelming need to never let him go, to make love to him; she wanted to feel alive, to be sure that this was really happening. A part of her was still afraid that this would be over too soon and that fate would betray her once again and she knew she couldn't let that happen. She knew she had used people in the past, used them so she wouldn't feel hollow and lonely, told herself that she would feel loved afterwards but the truth was that she'd always felt horrible in the end. An empty, emotionless shell without a trace of emotion left inside. She had known that it wasn't real and that the attraction, if there had ever been a real one, wasn't mutual because she had used magic to make them love her. She had never allowed anyone to see how she truly felt, how scared she was because this all made her feel vulnerable and sensitive and now she thought that she was ready to trust Robin with all her heart. It suddenly seemed so easy and natural. She couldn't deny that overwhelming force that rushed through her body; that inexplicable moment when she had finally kissed him for the first time and everything had felt so right. She knew she was doing the right thing, she knew she could do it.
She didn't hesitate when her hands slowly travelled beneath the fabric of his shirt; finding warm and soft skin and it made her ache for more. She leaned in for a messy kiss, taking him by surprise and he smiled against her lips. She had her hands on his back, softly grazing the bare skin with her fingers. He hummed approvingly into the kiss and cupped her face; she had her eyes closed when he kissed the corner of her lips, placing feather-light kisses along her throat. Somehow, she just couldn't look into his eyes; she didn't trust herself not to break into a million pieces when she did so. Her lips parted in silent pleasure, her head laid back in her neck when he kissed her throat gently. She felt her fingers tingle in anticipation, her impatience taking over when her hands slowly travelled upwards, taking his shirt with her. She wanted to feel him, every inch of his body, but he stopped her.
"Not so fast, love," he whispered and took her hands in his, placing a kiss on each one of them. She watched him in silence for an instant, wondering. When Robin noticed her slight confusion he laid his arms around her waist, pulled her closer again; standing upright with her safely in his arms. She didn't even have time to wonder how he did that before he sealed her lips with a passionate kiss. He didn't want her to think that he didn't want this; he wanted to make love to her more than anything but he knew he didn't want to rush it. Not the first time and not after all she's been through. He wanted her to remember it with love in her heart, not insecurity or doubt because they had rushed things. Her intentions were clear from the very beginning and he didn't mind that but he wanted her to feel loved and cherished more than anything because that's what she really needed.
"We've got so much time," he whispered between kisses and a smile crossed her lips. "I'm not going anywhere," he reassured her. He knew that she was afraid of losing him and the things that made her happy but he needed her to know that he wouldn't go anywhere, not without her. She nodded, slightly out of breath and a low chuckle escaped her lips when he bent down to lay her down on the bed. For an instant she thought that he'd just drop her and crash onto her, getting lost in the moment but much to her surprise he laid her down gently, never taking his eyes off her when her body sank onto the soft bed.
"Are you okay?" he wanted to know, an arm draped over her stomach. He didn't want to be on top of her, he didn't want her to feel caged or smothered.
"Yes," she whispered, her hand softly caressing his cheek. She ignored the faint warning in her mind; she knew these doubts were just the last remaining ones that she had to overcome somehow. She focused on him and how much she wanted and needed this. She closed her eyes, allowed him to touch and gently explore her body little by little. She enjoyed his surprisingly soft hands touching her arms and the soft skin of her stomach, leaving goose bumps behind. She relished in the warmth and their closeness but with every touch his soft hands left behind, the voices in her head screamed a little louder. She tried to ignore it because this is what she really wanted and it had felt so right only seconds ago but now her body was starting to fight it with all its strength. She tried to concentrate on Robin and how loved he'd made her feel during these last few weeks and how wonderful his hands felt but she wasn't strong enough to banish the demons that had been lingering ever since; laughing at her from the dark shadows in every corner of this godforsaken palace. She kept her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to remain in control. She felt his hands on her body, so soft and... taunting. Regina bit her lip, heart pounding furiously against her chest and if she wasn't mistaken that was simply out of fear and not pleasure.
She pulled Robin in for another kiss, holding him close so he was hovering above her. She wanted him as close as possible; maybe his presence would help soothe her. They kissed until she felt light-headed, the need for oxygen forcing them apart.
"You're so beautiful," he whispered and she turned her head away from him, trying not to let the words touch her deep inside. She had heard these words before, back in a place where she'd vowed herself never to return. She had fought so hard not to think of it again for the rest of her life and now it all came back, crushing her with merciless strength. The pressure on her chest increased, made it hard to breathe and suddenly she was watching herself from far away; retreated to a numb place where she couldn't be harmed. Detached so he wouldn't be too close, wouldn't hurt her too much.
There were only two people in her life who had told her that and these were the only people who had touched her deep inside on two different levels. One of them had hurt her so deeply that she had been shattered beyond repair, suffering from self-loathing, shame and regret and the other one was this wonderful man who had meant no harm and had done more for her then she'd ever imagined possible. He'd simply wanted her to feel loved and safe and she was so grateful but right now she had lost control of her demons and the fear shut her down entirely. Her hands were trembling when the torturous images of her past seeped into her mind and blackened her vision. She wanted to fight them but she lost it, the never-ending struggle that brought tears to her eyes. She felt the scalding tears pool in the corner of her eyes, running down the sides of her face.
She didn't realize that she had stopped responding; every part of her body was tensed and she didn't move. Her heart was pounding against her chest, making her feel dizzy; she couldn't breathe and it scared her. She wanted to get away and protect herself, maybe it wouldn't last very long and it'd be over before she knew it. Just the mere thought made her feel sick to her stomach but maybe it wouldn't be long.
It wasn't until he called her name from afar that she knew that something was wrong.
Regina wandered through the dark castle at night. She didn't know it very well yet and she thought she'd be afraid but soon she'd discovered the soothing calmness, the protection that the shadows offered at night; when everything was quiet and her demons kept her awake.
She had spent hours, walking through the darkness; filled with numbness and unbearable pain. She hadn't had time to mourn Daniel's loss, hadn't been granted time to let the wounds heal when he'd torn them apart again. She had walked through corridors and halls, through the garden in the dead of the night. She wasn't sure how long she'd been Queen already. The last couple of weeks had passed by in a clouded haze, a nightmare filled with pain and anger, guilt and hopelessness.
During the days, she found things that distracted her from the miserable life she'd been forced to live and sometimes it didn't hurt as much any longer. It wasn't until the sun set at the horizon that she watched the last bits of sunshine disappear with all her hope. When there was light, there was hope but as soon as it was gone, she felt the fear seeping into her veins.
She never knew what to expect, what he would ask of her and she didn't know what to do. Regina was nervous every night, praying that the King would be fast asleep and didn't want her attention; that she wouldn't be called to his bedchambers. She was grateful for every minute she got to spend on her own, knowing that it wouldn't last forever. The one thing that never changed was the fact that she cried herself to sleep every night. At the beginning she had simply been terrified and disgusted but with the time she wondered if that was the one thing she had to do as his wife and the Queen, wondering if she even had a right to tell him off. Maybe that was the way things would be from now on and maybe she'd be better off accepting her fate and give in.
With the time, the tears had faded and she had learned not to let the feelings reach her heart. She'd lost track of all the times she'd allowed it to happen, wondering if it'd been her own fault after all. She had started blaming herself for everything that had been done to her and maybe it won't be too bad once she stopped whining about it. Somehow, Regina survived through all those horrible nights, blocking out the terrible reality. Their encounters had always passed in a haze and Regina remained resilient, hardly ever showed any reaction until it was over. Sometimes she'd felt like she was sitting next to herself, watching and holding her hand until it all ended.
Most of the time, it helped but sometimes it filled her with emotions she had never known existed. Tonight was one of those nights; she wandered through the castle, aimless and lost. She was filled with an emptiness that made her feel hollow. She walked through the cold and deserted corridor on tired feet but she knew she wouldn't be able to sleep now. She had been trying to get away from him as fast as possible that she had left her shoes behind but she didn't care. She stopped every couple of minutes, feeling so empty that it was hard to breathe and she refused to cry just yet. She didn't want to be weak and when things seemed particularly bad, when she felt like all hope was gone she just closed her eyes and left. She tried to think of a happier place, one where she'd be protected and loved but these images never lasted long and still she knew she'd manage to get through it all somehow. When she opened her eyes, she looked at herself. She knew it wasn't real and it was just the lack of sleep and the confusion that played tricks on her mind, a sad hallucination of her pitiful self that took her by the hand and led her away from the darkness, made her walk until she couldn't bear it any longer.
Regina walked toward the garden, aching for fresh air. She needed to breathe, feel the cold winter breeze on her bare skin. She wanted to wash it all away, to erase the traces he had left behind. The touches that would be forever burned onto her skin. Just the mere thought of it made her shiver in disgust, made her walk a little faster. It was raining when Regina stepped outside, the rain falling in torrents and within seconds she was soaked and chilled to the bone. She fell on her knees with closed eyes, the rain washing over her endlessly. It erased the traces of the night, even just for the moment and she started to cry. The sobs came slowly, drowned out by the falling rain. She was angry and empty at the same time; she didn't know what to do. She was afraid and ashamed; hating herself for what was happening but she didn't know how to get out of it. She slowly lost hope that things would change and that it'd get better someday. She felt hopeless when she thought about all the lost chances; the future they'd ripped her of. What hurt the most was the betrayal she felt. It was the one thing that she couldn't deal with. The way her own mother had forced her to marry a man who was old enough to be her father because she wanted power. She had never considered the consequences and the pain Regina would have to endure. She must've known that the King wanted another child, a prince to take over the throne some day; she had sold her own daughter like a piece of trash for a little bit of power and wealth.
She had never cared much about Regina's fate and neither did the King.
"Regina," he asked again, softly but worried. His voice sounded distant and Regina tried to regain her composure somehow, but the fear had numbed her entirely. She started to gasp for air, breathing heavily. She couldn't stop those horrible memories from returning; suddenly she felt the King's hands on her body, felt every touch and every mark that he had ever left behind.
She felt stomach churn at the memories and she knew she needed to get away from here or she'd suffocate.
"Sorry," she whispered breathlessly and turned away from him; he let her go and watched her run away from him. He knew where to find her and he'd give her a couple of seconds before he'd find her.
Regina ran through the empty corridors, breathing heavily. The tears were streaming down her face and the memories chased her, far away from the one person she really needed right now. She couldn't shake off the feeling of the King's hands, claiming her body. She felt him too close, smelled him on her own body and it wasn't until she dropped down on her knees on the cold and damp grass, that she threw up and the feeling eased off just a little. She felt the cold sweat on her face, tears in her eyes and her body trembled. She felt weak and chilled to the bone and it took her a couple of seconds to get up and walk over to the bench on weak knees.
She pulled her knees close and hugged herself, trying to ward off the chill that came from within. Regina felt drained and empty, feeling sorry for Robin whom she'd left behind right now. He had done nothing wrong and she felt sorry for him but moreover she was ashamed for being so weak and letting these ancient demons catch up with her.
Robin found her in the garden, sitting on a bench. She looked tired and pale, even from a small distance he could see that she was shivering. He knew that he hadn't done anything wrong and still he felt so sorry and he wanted nothing but to be able to comfort her and give her what she needed, if only he knew what was going on inside her head. He walked over to the bench, she didn't look up when he approached but he didn't mind. Robin didn't hesitate when he sat down behind her, wrapped his arms around her shoulder and pulled her close. She leaned in without hesitation, her head resting on his shoulder, her cheek against his. He felt the cold sweat that covered her skin, her body still slightly trembling.
"Just breathe," Robin whispered into her ear and she tried. She felt his heart beat against her back, tried to concentrate in the steady rhythm. Slowly, her breath calmed a little until she was finally able to take a deep breathe.
"I'm so sorry," she whispered weakly, her voice cracking. "I'm so sorry, I didn't... I didn't mean to," she said.
"Don't be," he told her calmly. "We'll be okay," he said and she was weeping bitterly."Talk to me," he said quietly. "Please, talk to me," he didn't ask her. He was begging her to talk to him. He wanted to help her, to make her feel better but he couldn't do it until he knew what truly caused her so much pain.
Regina cried until the exhaustion took over; she leaned into his arms, feeling a little calmer now. She wanted to tell him the truth but she didn't know if she'd be strong enough and she didn't want to burden him with it. She was still somewhat ashamed of all of this and she didn't know if she could do it, but she'd have to try sooner or later. Once again she listened to his steady heartbeat, soothing her with that one thought on her mind that had helped her through many nights of tears and pain.
Maybe, Tomorrow will be kinder.