A/N: Hasn't been edited so mistakes are mine. Thanks for reading! Leave me some love :)

Jasper was shuffling papers around on every flat surface of the home. "Has anyone seen my cell? I swear I left it on the bar last night."

Leah stretched and yawn. "Nope, ask Pete."

Jasper ran his fingers through his hair. "Yeah, he's missing too."

Sam walked out of the kitchen. He stuffed a serving sized spoon of Peter's cereal into his mouth before speaking. "Jake and Garrett are gone too."

Paul walked into the living room rubbing sleep from his eyes and adjusting his morning wood. "Kim and Bella must be with them."

Quil was scanning through channels on the TV. "Yeah they all left while Jasper was in the shower this morning. Jenny, Embry, Seth and the pups went too. Something about a copper top sequel. Whatever the fuck that is. I'm fairly sure they're on drugs."

Jasper and Leah looked at each other wide eyed before rushing out the door.

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Jake stood behind the large rock that Garrett had carved 'Pussward Cullen' on. He held a well worn copy of 'The adventures of Tom Sawyer' in his hands. The others, minus Seth who was using Jasper's cell to capture the video, we're gathered in a semi circle.

Jake cleared his throat and held up the book. "Dearly beloveds, we are gathered here today to mourn the passing of Pussward Cullen. He was at best an uppity prick. We hope that his flaccid penis will find peace as it had undoubtedly shriveled into a mangina. We hope that the world will be rid of such a sad excuse of a man. I just want you to know Pussward, Bella will be WELL taken care of. Every. Single. Night. To elaborate I will let Brother Peter, Brother Brady, Brother Collin, Sister Jenny, Brother Embry, Brother Garrett and Sister Kim elaborate."

Peter and Collin walked over to Jake as the others went with the plan of openly fondling Bella. "Oh Pussward, it has been many years since I seen your sparkling self. I promise you here and now that sweet Bella won't be lonely again. I will be there for her hot, smooth, wet... for ANYTHING she needs. Day or Night. I just want you to know that she need not want for anything."

Collin cut in. "I too will be there for any reason. If she needs pipe laid, I'll be willing and ready. If she has a sudden craving for a meat stick, I will feed her all she wants."

"Hallelujah Brother Collin! If she wants a tube steak at three in the morning all she has to do is call me! Chef Embry is on call all the time! Can I get an AMEN!"

The group all shouted out for him. Jenny and Kim started shaking their hands around in the air.

Jenny smiled at Bella and the phone in Seth's hands. "And should sister Bella need a woman's touch, she shall have it!"

"A-FUCKING-MEN!" Garrett shouted out with his fist in the air.

Brady took the hat off his head and held it over his heart. "And after all that, if she still need a good, hard fucking, I and many more will be there."

Seth turned the phone around and held his index and middle finger into a V, wiggling his tongue between them. "Rest in peace, Pussward."

He pressed the end button on the phone before Jake started yell.

"Send it now Seth! I can see Jasper and Leah running over here!"

Seth sent the video just before Leah and Jasper reached them.