All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer
RE-DO—I forgot to add some things to this chapter….so I had to delete it and this is now the updated finished copy. Sorry for any confusion…enjoy!
NOTE--some parts of this chapter come directly from Twilight pages 266-ish to 276-ish.
I sat down on the couch as he left my side to retrieve me a pop tart and some water. Alice had bought several snack bars and easy breakfast foods for me just in case, for which I was thankful.
I bit off a piece of pop tart and took a deep drink from my water as I waited for him to begin. Alice was out. Where, I was not sure, but I was suddenly thankful for her absence. I had a feeling this was a conversation I would prefer to keep private.
I was growing impatient as the minutes passed.
"I don't know where to begin." He said softly as if he could feel my eagerness. He sighed. "The beginning I suppose is the best place to start."
I nodded in encouragement; afraid if I spoke I might say something to distract or discourage him from the path he was on.
"From the moment I saw you in Biology I have been drawn to you, for completely different reasons now than I was then, but still drawn to you." He took a deep breath before continuing. I could see what his confession was costing him, but I wasn't sure why it was so hard for him, at least not yet.
"It's not only your company I crave. You must never forget that. I am more dangerous to you than anyone else." He stopped. His eyes were closed and I could see the stress on his face.
"I don't understand what you mean." I said after a long pause.
He looked towards me and grinned at my ignorance. "How to explain?" He mused. "And not frighten you…"
I folded my hands in my lap as I waited for him to gather his thoughts. I refused to rush him now.
"Everyone has a unique…smell about them, has a different essence. Some smell better than others—are more enjoyable—more desirable." I had never seen him struggle so hard for words before. It was almost refreshing to know he was not as perfect as he seemed.
"So you're saying I smell good?" I guessed.
He exhaled and smiled, but his face looked pained. "More than just good, especially to me." He admitted. He sounded ashamed.
"What does that mean?"
"I'm a vampire Bella." He stated sternly. I had never heard him declare himself so boldly and I had to fight the shiver that ran through my body. "I may choose a different lifestyle than others of my kind, but I still have the same wants and needs. I still crave the same things, and until I met you I had never desired something so immensely."
I swallowed hard. This time I could not control my body as it trembled. Luckily, he had turned his gaze away from me and had not seen my body's reaction.
"Never in all my life have I come across someone who was as appealing as you are to me. When you first walked into that classroom and your scent drifted my way…" He closed his eyes and covered his face with his hands. "I could have ruined everything Carlisle has built for us, right then and there. If I hadn't been denying my thirst for so long I wouldn't have been able to stop myself."
He glanced at me gloomily. "You must have thought I was possessed."
"I couldn't understand why you seemed to hate me so much."
He sighed looking off towards the door. "To me, it was like you were some kind of demon, summoned straight from my own personal hell to ruin me. The fragrance coming off your skin…I thought it would drive me insane that first day. I thought of a hundred different ways to lure you away with me in that one single hour. Thinking of my family and what I would do to them helped me push each one away. I had to get out, get away from you before I let the monster inside have his way."
He looked at me and I could see the bitterness in his face. I could tell he regretted and was ashamed of his desires. I tried swallowing but my throat was too tight. I had been right all along. He was dangerous and I was founded in staying away from him, but that still did not explain his protectiveness of me. If he did want me so bad why was he always trying to keep me safe?
Even now, knowing what I did, I couldn't hate him. I couldn't even muster up the appropriate amount of fear I should have. He just admitted that he wanted to kill me, but still I was not that afraid. He had proven himself to me time and time again. I felt safer with him than any other my entire life.
I reached forward and rested my hand on top of his. He flinched ever so slightly but I kept my hand in place.
He frowned as he looked down at our intertwined hands. "And then, I tried to rearrange my schedule in a pointless effort to avoid you, you were there—so close once more. The scent was maddening."
I shivered as I remembered just how dark he had looked in that tiny office on my first day.
"But I resisted. I don't know how, but I did. I forced myself to stay away from you. It was easier outside to think clearly without your scent around. I knew then that I had to leave. I had to get away, as soon as possible. It was the only way to protect both you and my family. I left school and went straight to Carlisle, at the hospital, to tell him I was leaving. I traded cars with him and took off, still undecided as to what I was going to do…"
I stared at him in awe. Even as he was leaving town I still had not been safe.
"By morning I was in Alaska." He sounded ashamed, as if he were admitting a great cowardice. "I spent two days there, with some old acquaintances…but I was home sick. Who were you to drive me away from the ones I loved? You were nothing more than an insignificant little girl. In the clean air of the mountains I was sure I had only imagined the great temptation you presented to me. I was arrogant, sure I was strong enough to resist…so I came back. I hunted extra, taking every precaution I could. I was sure I would be strong enough when I saw you again." He chuckled once without humor. "But still your scent hit me just as strong as it had that first day."
I was speechless as I continued to stare at him.
"It was irritating that I could not know what you were thinking—to know what your reaction to me was. I was forced to listen to the minds of others to figure out your true thoughts and feelings." He frowned as if annoyed he had to stoop to such actions. "I wanted you to forget my behavior that first day, if possible, so I tried talking to you like I would any other person. But you were too interesting. I found myself caught up in your every expression."
He shook his head from side to side. "Then you were nearly crushed to death in front of my eyes. I had no real excuse to save you, I thought of one later. If I hadn't saved you, if your blood had been spilt in front of me, I don't think I would have been able to stop myself from exposing us for what we were right then and there. But at the time the only thought I had was, 'Please, not her."
He closed his eyes. His confession should have terrified me. He was admitting to me all the times he wanted to kill me—of all the times I had almost died at his hands, yet still I could only feel a sense of relief and compassion. Relief to finally know the truth and to understand, compassion for all the pain he had endured.
Finally he opened his eyes and hesitantly laid his free hand to the side of my face. He smiled though his eyes looked pained. "For all that I would have faired better if I had exposed us all at that first moment, than if now, here—at the hands of the Tracker or me. If I were to hurt you…" He trailed off.
I cleared my throat quietly to talk. "I still don't understand. If I really am that appealing to you, why am I still alive? Not that I'm complaining." I added quickly as soon I saw his expression harden. "Why have you always been so protective of me? Even now you risk your life for me, a plain ordinary human girl—nothing special here." I breathed as I looked away from him.
"Bella." He said my name so sweetly I could feel my heart flutter. "I couldn't live with myself if I ever hurt you—if something I did ever caused you to suffer…it would be unendurable. You are the most important thing to me now, the most important thing to me ever."
I looked back up at him, surprised by his confession. "What…but why me?"
"For so many reasons. And you are the opposite of ordinary, quite contrary actually. I should have stayed away. I should have avoided you as much as possible, but I am a selfish creature, and craved your company too much. You are so beautiful inside and out. The way you see through my pretenses, aren't afraid to chastise me… You make me feel alive, something I haven't felt in a very long time. I have never felt for another the way I do for you."
My breath hitched as I allowed his words to sink in. I blushed as the impact of his words hit me. He did like me; even love me as I did him. All this time…he really did care. I wasn't something to protect out of guilt, he wanted me to be safe because he cared, truly cared for me. The thought brought me both joy and confusion. I still had no idea why he loved me, I was nothing special, but I was so happy he did.
I looked away before speaking, feeling self-conscious by what I was going to say. I could see how nervous he was to hear my reply. "I know how you feel. I feel the same way about you." I said just above a whisper. "I know I shouldn't and I tried to be smart, take your advice, and stay away…but I just can't."
After a short pause I felt his fingers under my chin pulling my face up. His eyes were bright and he was smiling my favorite crooked smile.
"I guess we'll both just have to be not smart together."
I smiled shyly.
His hypnotic golden eyes bore into mine and it felt as if time were standing still. I could feel my heart rate increase as the air around us electrified.
"And so the lion feel in love with the lamb." He reflected on, never once taking his eyes from mine. "I'm not sure how to be close to you."
"You did just fine last night." I declared, surprised by my sudden boldness.
He grinned. "That was different. You needed me. There was no choice."
I could feel myself blush as I considered my next move. "I need you now too." I could feel my face start to burn, as I grew more self-conscious.
He smiled and slowly pulled me to his chest wrapping his arms around me ever so gently. "Not as much as I need you."
The feelings that coursed through me were like nothing I had ever felt before. Being in his arms, knowing he truly wanted me there was the greatest feeling ever. I breathed in deep committing his sweet scent to memory. I laid my head where his heart should be, content to simply listen to him breath. I hoped more than anything that the moment would never end.