Author's note:
The third chapter of Akatsuki Adventures and the conclusion of the winter storyline.
Akatsuki Adventures Part 1: Winter, chapter 3
It was an average day in the Akatsuki's house, everyone was doing there own thing and the only two people in the same room with each other were Hidan and Kakuzu.
"It's my remote I got here first asshole!" Hidan yelled at Kakuzu.
"I was watching TV before you!" Kakuzu yelled back.
"Then why weren't you here when I cam down you senile bastard?!"
"I just got up to get some coffee, I left the TV on so it's still rightfully mine!"
"Fuck you!" Hidan gave Kakuzu the middle finger….. which Kakuzu broke off.
"You son of a bitch!"
"Well that just lowered my stress level. You can have your damn television." Kakuzu went to leave the room but as he got to the door it was slammed open hitting in the face and knocking him to the ground.
"Whoops. Sorry Kakuzu." Pein said as he walked through the doorway.
"Go to hell."
"Where's everyone else?" Pein asked Hidan.
"Why the hell would I know?"
"Fair enough. But I have some good news for us so I guess you two will be the first to hear!"
"What is it?" Kakuzu asked as he got up.
"We're going to do Secret Santa! Everyone will put their name in a hat and then we all draw names and whoever you draw you have to buy a gift for them. Then tomorrow we can all have a hearty Christmas breakfast and then exchange gifts! Won't it be fun!?"
Hidan and Kakuzu both stared at Pein incredulously. This guy was supposed to be the leader of an evil criminal organization?
Finally Hidan spoke up. "There's just one problem. Christmas was two days ago. It's the twenty-seventh."
"What are you talking about?"
"Yeah dude it's not Christmas. We took down the decorations yesterday and even set fire to the tree. Today we started putting up stuff for New Year's. In fact there's a banner right above your head that says 'Happy New Year's'."
"…….. I don't think there is."
"Yes there is-
"SHINRA TENSEI!"
The blast blew Kakuzu back into a wall and utterly destroyed the New Year's banner. Pein then looked up and said. "See? No banner."
"Uh yeah." Hidan said slightly afraid of Pein's new insanity problems.
"So you and Kakuzu can go tell the other members and I'll be waiting here."
Later
All the Akatsuki were gathered in the living room, most of them were mumbling about how retarded this all was.
"Pein this is stupid, you can't expect us to act like it's Christmas and buy gifts." Konan said. "It's not our fault you got drunk and slept for three days."
"I don't know what you're talking about Konan." Pein said with a smile that would put a Cheshire cat to shame. "Now everyone's name is in the hat so let's start the drawing."
Soon enough everyone had finished drawing names and the Akatsuki looked at who they had to get a gift for.
"Ah Zetsu's impossible to shop for." Kisame said.
"Damn it Kisame." Pein said. "Everyone put your names back in the hat and we'll redraw."
Shortly after that the Akatsuki had finished drawing names again and with no more outbursts like Kisame's the members went on to get gifts.
With Hidan and Kakuzu
"So who'd you get shitface."
"Sasori. And you?"
"Kisame. Oh I know exactly what I'm getting him." Hidan said with an evil grin on his face.
"How about a sign that says 'This is Kakuzu's toothbrush'. I'm tired of having to buy a new one every time his teeth ruin the bristles."
"Nah, I've got something better in mind. What are you getting Sasori?"
"Somethiong that doesn't cost shit. Like an empty can of varnish, I'm sure he'd appreciate it."
With Deidara and Sasori
"So who'd you get? Who? Come on tell me un. Please, yeah. Huh huh? Who'd you get?"
"Deidara if you don't shut up now I will add you to my collection."
"But I already told you who I got!"
"Your point?"
With Itachi and Kisame
"I got Tobi." Itachi said.
"That should be easy, you could get him a pile of dirt and he'd find a way to have fun with it. I got Kakuzu, I'm afraid that if I don't get something he likes he'll try to kill me."
"It happens."
"…….. You're a great friend Itachi."
"I know."
Everyone else had gone off by themselves, for some reason Pein walked into a lingerie store and surprisingly found Konan there. Tobi and Zetsu had disappeared.
Christmas morning (not really)
"Why are we having breakfast at seven o'clock at night." Hidan asked.
"What are you talking about Hidan? It's seven in the morning." Pein replied smile still on his face.
"No it's not."
"But you have extendable arms."
"Oh I guess you're right, it's really time to beat Hidan into a bloody pulp and then dismember him while Kakuzu sells his stuff off EBay. Oh and of course I'll also be reading the bible out loud to you as well. Or maybe it is seven in the morning, what do you think Hidan?"
"Morning, seven in the morning."
"That's what I thought. Please pass the butter Deidara."
The 'breakfast' went by fairly normal. No one wanted to take Pein away from make-believe land. So things were quiet but tense.
"Kisame will you please pass me the butter?" Deidara said.
"I can't reach it. Kakuzu will you please pass the butter to Deidara."
"I can't reach it either."
"Oh yeah. Hmm I guess I could get the butter for Deidara, but I think I'll just sit here and do nothing."
"Kakuzu don't be a jackass and please pass Deidara the butter." Kisam was talking in a quiet and friendly voice but his eyes were screaming bloody murder at the miser.
"Okay. If you pay me to do it."
"Kakuzu I really don't think that's fair now pass the butter you stupid son of a bitch."
"T-That's fine I don't want the butter anymore." Deidara said.
"Yes you do." Kisame growled out. "Now Kakuzu stop being an asshole, stop eating your bacon, and pass the fucking butter!"
Kisame hit Kakuzu's fork out of his hand.
"You didn't." Kakuzu said.
"I did."
Kakuzu started to get out of his chair but slipped on the bacon from his fork. He fell over backwards and head butted Hidan in the nose.
"You dumb bastard!" Hidan yelled and threw a plate at Kakuzu's head.
Kakuzu saw the plate coming and ducked under it, the plate sailed forward and hit Itachi in the face right as he was bringing a large helping of scrambled eggs into his mouth. Itachi fell off his chair and started to eat the eggs that had fallen on the ground.
Deidara, Tobi, and Konan were hiding under the table. Zetsu had already melted into the floor and Sasori was trying to jam a fork into Kakuzu's eye.
Pein was sitting at the head of the table eating his meal as if nothing was happening.
Finally the fighting died down, and Kisame emerged with a black eye, Kakuzu with a forked eye, Hidan with no eyes, and Sasori's head got detached from his body and was now rolling under the table.
"Well wasn't that a good breakfast for a great Christmas morning!?" Pein said as he finished his meal.
"It's not fucking morning and it's not fucking Christmas!"
"SHINRA TENSEI!"
"Alright now it's time to exchange gifts. Everyone go to the table and find your present. We can take turns opening them."
After everyone had their gifts they sat down in what was supposedly a circle but looked more like a kidney.
"Okay then Itachi you open your gift first."
After having some trouble with the ribbon (Kisame had to cut it for him) Itachi managed to get his box open and pulled out the certainly amazing gift.
"Blind glasses and a cane. Well, fuck you too Deidara."
Deidara was laughing his ass off while Kisame wondered if that was the first time Itachi ever swore.
"Kisame now you open your gift."
Kisame tore through the wrapping paper to find a rather large aquarium. "What's this for I don't have any fish."
"Yeah but the Akatsuki does." Hidan said.
"What do you mean?"
"That aquarium's for you, you're our pet fish, now we just gotta fill it up with water and we can put you in the living room!"
Kisame broke the aquarium over Hidan's head and popped open a beer.
"Now you Sasori."
Sasori's gift was in a small brown bag, the kind used for lunches.
"Ahh, a five dollar gift card to Wal-Mart. Which we are banned from. I would throw this into the fire but I'm worried that Kakuzu would attack me for wasting money."
"I don't care, I stole it anyways."
"Okay then." Sasori flicked his card into the Akatsuki's fire place where it was quickly turned to ash.
"Deidara, now you open yours."
"Yes! Something good something good something good!"
Deidara tore open his box and pulled out his gift in seconds. "What the hell?! A bra! KONAN!"
Konan meanwhile was laughing her ass off. "I got it in blue lace so it matches your eyes blondie. But I didn't know the cup-size so I just took a guess on that."
"You bitch!"
"Alright quiet down quiet down. Kakuzu you can open your gift now."
"Whatver." Kakuzu reached over and grabbed his gift and started to meticulously pull off the wrapping paper so it wouldn't tear. After receiving some odd stares Kakuzu answered. "If it doesn't tear we can reuse it next year, why buy more each year? Anyways this is going to take awhile."
"Okay then Hidan you open your gift."
Hidan grabbed his gift, which was simply wrapped up in an old tarp with air fresheners taped to it. "What the hell is this ting?" Hidan unraveled the tarp and a half decomposed corpse rolled into the center of the gathered Akatsuki.
"Do you like it? I found it out back."
"……. You know I'm actually okay with this."
Kakuzu meanwhile had finished unwrapping his gift revealing it to be a scratcher. "Whoever had me good job. This is my kind of gift." Kakuzu then pulled a penny out of his pocket and started to scratch his way to gold. Upon finshing….. "Holy shit. I won. I just got a million dollars off of a God damn scratcher! Fuck yeah I'm even richer now!"
"So where do you get the money?" Kisame asked him.
Kakuzu flipped the card around. "To claim prize go to Yo Momma's House. What? I don't understand?"
"Haha, it's a fake Kakuzu, you didn't really win any money. Preety good huh?" Kisame said.
Kakuzu didn't respond.
"Kakuzu?" Pein said. The thread ninja didn't move at all.
Hidan checked his pulse. "Yep he's dead. Simultaneous heart attacks and probably a massive stroke as well. Good job Kisame!" Hidan smiled and gave Kisame thumbs up.
"I'll deal with Kakuzu later. Right now it's Zetsu's turn to open his present.
"Oh goody. Shut up." Zetsu ripped open his box with his teeth and tore out his gift. "Bug repellant? It's better than what we got last year."
"Yay! Zetsu-san likes Tobi's gift!"
"Alright Tobi your turn."
"Yahoo!" Tobi reached into his back and pulled out a shaving razor.
"Five bucks says Itachi got that for him." Hidan said. There were no takers.
"Itachi-san why did you get Tobi a razor?"
"It was mocking me so I decided to teach it a lesson and sent it to Orochimaru. I don't know how it got to you. It still must be taught a lesson though." Itachi reached forward but Kisame put him in sleeper hold and then laid him down over Kakuzu's body and Hidan's corpse present.
"Now Konan you can open your gift."
"Oh lucky me. Christmas themed lingerie and a pamphlet entitled 'How To Please Your Leader' oh joy."
"I know you like it. But anyways now I'll open my gift. You better have gotten me something good Sasori or you'll be sharing a room with Deidara for the next month."
"That's not fair."
"A megaphone?"
"Nobody listens to you so I thought this might help."
While the rest of the Akatsuki were giving him a death glare Pein was beaming with unbridled happiness.
"Why would you get him that you stupid puppet!?" Konan asked.
"I thought he would like it. And I can just remove my ears anyways."
And so the first Akatsuki Christmas ended two days after Christmas with everyone except for Pein pissed off. Sasori found himself scattered around the living room, Zetsu got sick from inhaling his bug spray, Tobi accidentally cut himself on his new razor, Itachi fell down the stairs after tripping over his cane, Deidara re-gifted his bra to Hidan for his birthday, Hidan' corpse eventually fully decomposed, Kisame got drunk and caught on fire, Konan and Pein had a helluva night, and Kakuzu was thrown in a dumpster where eventually his threads instinctively ripped out a garbage-mans heart and brought him back to life.
The End of Akatsuki Winter
And so ends Akatsuki Winter. There will be a new story coming soon. Shinra Tensei is the most awesome attack in Naruo ever.