A/N: Just a really quick epilogue here. Read the A/N at the bottom!
Epilogue: we only notice light (when darkness crashes against it)
Two and a Half Months Later
The day before Piper leaves Litchfield, Alex finds her in her bunk after work and says, "I have something for you. A going away present."
Piper smiles like the words don't tear something in her, she's gotten good at that.
"I can't give it to you here." Alex raises her eyebrows and nods her head a little for Piper to follow. Piper easily understands what kind of "gift" Alex is referring to, and she grins, getting up to follow Alex out of the dorm. She's close enough that she keeps nearly stepping on her heels, reaching out every few seconds to tug playfully on the back of her shirt, like she can't wait to peel it off her.
They've been like this for the past week, Piper especially: hiding dread behind perpetually smiling teeth, burying it under a stream of teasing banter. She hasn't wanted to ruin their last real week together by worrying about the end of it, so she's made herself be okay, her hands clinging to this happiness that has sprung up between her and Alex. She isn't ready to let go yet.
She remembers crying the night before coming here; objectively, it would be ridiculous to do the same because she has to leave.
She will miss Alex, and sometimes it's just that simple: Piper can reassure them both with the promise of frequent visits, but an hour across a table, even if she can make that hour happen several times a week, is not nearly enough, especially compared to the strange version of domesticity they've manage to carve between the limitations of Litchfield.
But sometimes it's more than just the fear of missing her. Sometimes, what scares Piper most is still herself, and what she'll become when Alex isn't in reach.
She is still a grenade. But lately, Piper thinks Alex is the pin.
And tomorrow she has to leave her.
But today she is still smiling, still okay, still soaking up Alex's presence like it's something she can stockpile. So when they walk into the chapel, Piper pulls Alex close to her, more insistently now, pressing a smile against her lips and murmuring, "Liking this gift already."
Alex pulls away, twisting her face into a mock-scandalized expression. "Uh, not that kinda gift, perv." She holds the look for a few seconds before it fades into a wolfish smirk, lips pursed and eyes narrow. "Though if that's how you choose to thank me, then by all means."
Piper rolls her eyes, still smiling, because everything's fine. "Fine. What then?"
"C'mere." Alex leads her over to the front row of chairs, the very end, where the piano is pushed against the wall. Piper raises her eyebrows, a question. "Close your eyes."
"Alex..." The slightest hint of a plea slips into Piper's voice, spiked with nerves. This is the spot where Alex first saw the tattoos, where she sat to give herself everyone.
Alex's eyes soften. "Trust me. Just close your eyes, I'm playing out a whole surprise thing."
So Piper does. When Alex says, "Open," her voice is close again, right in front of Piper, and Piper dutifully looks to see Alex holding a homemade tattoo gun.
"What?" Piper's eyes widen. "Where did you get that?"
"I knew one of the women I used to work with on grounds crew had one...and it's not who you'd think. Anyway. I'm only showing you this because I know you're out of here tomorrow." But she's kidding; Piper's skin doesn't mutter at her anymore, doesn't hum or light up with cravings.
Even now, staring at the tiny makeshift needle, Piper doesn't want to reach for it. She isn't racking her brain for months of words she's saved up. Mostly, she's just confused. "Is...this is the present?"
"God, no. I just borrowed it. Well, technically rented. Took some commissary cash. Not to brag." She grins, reassuring. "The gift is the tattoo I'm going to give you with it." She doesn't wait for a response, just goes to plug the gun into the wall socket. "Come sit."
It doesn't even occur to Piper to protest. She sat in this same spot once, letting a near stranger tattoo whatever she wanted on her, and then dozens and dozens of times after that, indiscriminately choosing Alex's words to mark herself.
This seems only fair.
"What's it gong to be?" Piper asks quietly as she settles onto the floor beside Alex.
Tone still light, she says, "You were quoting me without permission for months, Pipes. I think you can trust me on one, right?" Alex looks up at her, expression serious again, eyes roving Piper's face, gauging her. Softer, she says, "I keep thinking of you getting out and really having to look all these..." Her eyes flicker down, just for a second, and Piper knows she's thinking about the list on her leg. "And it'll be awhile before you can take care of them, I don't know even know if you're going to, so I just...I want to add one more thing. I think that's fair."
"You're right," Piper says evenly. She crooks out a small smile, waving a hand at herself. "Where do you want it?"
Relief floods Alex's eyes, and she cocks the tattoo gun playfully. "Give me your arm."
Piper leans against the wall and holds out her right arm, but Alex shakes her head. "The other one."
Something stings in her chest as she realizes, and Piper instinctively turns her left arm, hiding the cloud of scars and stray white letters leftover Trust No Bitch. "Alex," she says, and it comes out like I'm sorry.
"It's alright, Pipes," Alex's voice is heavy with understanding. "Here..." Alex stretches her legs out straight out in front of her, nudging Piper until she lifts her legs, knees drawn up, over Alex's. Fingers gentle, she takes Piper by the wrist and extends her left arm. Alex brushes her knuckles absently over the mess on Piper's forearm, but she positions the gun in her hand higher, just along the edge of Piper's wristbone. She adjusts her angle slightly, bringing Piper's arm closer, then runs her thumb across two inches of skin, testing her canvas.
She lifts her eyes, searching for Piper's and holding on, open and earnest. Softly, seeking permission, she asks, "Okay?"
Piper nods, holding her gaze with unwavering trust.
The tattoo gun starts its quiet, familiar buzz, and as it approaches her skin Piper's stomach rolls with sickly excitement. The needle's bite is sharp, Piper always thought of it as angry, but Alex's free hand is warm wrapped around her, holding her still and steady.
Alex is bent over so she can see her work in the less than ideal lighting of the chapel, so Piper can't see what's emerging in the ink. The needle presses along her bone and Piper sucks in a shallow breath that makes Alex lift the gun briefly, turning her head to press her lips against Piper's shoulder.
"Sorry," she says, and her voice sounds soft and strained with concentration. "Won't be long, promise."
"I'm fine." Her instinct is to whisper, suddenly.
For a moment, Piper just watches Alex. Her face is tight, so serious. Like this is something important. Piper's eyes cloud over, for no real reason, and she lifts a hand to Alex's hair, suddenly overwhelmed with the need to touch her. Her fingers barely land, not wanting to startle her.
Then the pressure of the needle disappears and doesn't come back; Alex flicks a switch and the hum of the gun stops, leaving them in silence.
Piper's skin feels hot and open; Alex's hand is curled over the wrist, not touching the tattoo but still hiding it from Piper's view. Piper turns toward her, to ask, but Alex's face is right in front of hers, leaning forward, her lips gentling but insistently swallowing Piper's question.
She feels Alex smile against her, and it stays in place when she pulls back. "I love you," she says, eyes shining, her heart beating in the words. It's the first time she's said it in so long, since the last time one of them was in prison and the other was out.
Piper used to think she wouldn't be able to stand hearing Alex say it, maybe no ever again, that it would just remind her of all the reasons it shouldn't be true. But now, the words are a mere formality, a verbalization of something she already knows and feels every day.
Before she can say it back, Alex tilts a smile at her, soft eyed and sweet, then lets go of her arm and looks down; Piper follows the gaze to see two words, ink black, Alex's handwriting: Always will.
Her throat tightens with more love than Piper would have thought herself capable; the words have become Alex's declaration for the past few months, her answer to Piper's I love you's that always feel more like a continuation.
It's the most visible tattoo on Piper's body, drawing her eyes away from the mangled mess of skin and white ink just a few inches away. She knows Alex chose this spot on purpose, even before she explains, "If you're going to have to see them all, look at all that shit...at least you'll see this one more."
"Thank you," Piper tells her, and it comes out hushed, same as Alex's, like there's something reverent about the moment and neither wants to break the spell. "God, I love you."
Alex smiles, threading her hand absently through Piper's hair. "I love you, too." Her eyes sparkle, like she's just glad to finally say it. "And I would have just written that, but it seemed a bit on the nose, even for you."
Piper laughs; it's the first time she's done that and meant it all week. Alex's arms go around her, pulling her close, and Piper gratefully leans into her.
She feels Alex's lips brush the corner of her eye. "Does it hurt?"
"No," she says, wet and weightless, her hand closing around a fistful of Alex's shirt. "Not anymore."
They sit like that for awhile, just holding on in the quiet, until Piper starts to feel fear knotting up in her chest again, the familiar sting of almost-missing her. She disentangles her hand, Alex's words right there where she can see them.
She remembers everything that used to matter about the tattoos. Permanence. Proof.
She is still a grenade, but maybe Alexisn't the pin; maybe it's the fact that Alex loves her, somehow, even amid all her debris. That, at least, Piper can take with her. She touches her finger to the edge of the tattoo, feeling her pulse thumping beneath Alex's promise, strong and steady, every heartbeat a reminder.
A/N: Like I said, just a short scene for the epilogue, but I wanted it to be a separate ending because of the time jump. So. This story has been a super cathartic journey for me post-season three, and thanks to everyone who stuck around through all the heavy angst. Can't believe this fic took up nearly half the hiatus. If you haven't yet, check out my "LE" tag on Tumblr (I'm alxvse) for some excellent graphics made by thefundamental, as well as a playlist (possibly with a second one coming) for this fic.
As for what I've got coming up: I'm probably going to stick to shorter things for awhile, specifically oneshots set in either Monster of Young Blood verse, plus one more chapter of Lumos at some point...and I'm currently outlining a Vauseman Titanic AU which will be a little longer, but not nearly to the extent of this one. Monster oneshots are posted in the "Where the Wild Things Are" collection, and Young Blood excerpts will go in "only young and naive still". Feel free to PM any prompts for those fics or message me on tumblr (alxvse), but of course I'd still love to hear your overall thoughts on this one. Thanks for reading!
- Hannah