Ooooo
We changed our usernames because "Sprintjump" and "Farry45" didn't sound as cool anymore. Besides that, we don't have enough fans for it to be immediately recognized. (... we think)
The incident with the umbrella couldn't be explained, ending the dinner on a weird note. Of course, Rogue was now an umbrella short, although he didn't know how as most things after Mard Geer popped up were a little hazy. The last thing Rogue remembered was the sex offender splat like a starfish finally busting the window open and Rogue flushing it down the drain.
The next day Skiadrum was telling Weissologia about was how disgusting human drainage systems were and the joys of ending up in the sewer full of rats and sixteen foot long alligators. (He may have exaggerated just a bit.)
After that, Sting came back to the meager household very much more satisfied with his good 'friend with benefits, Yukino.
Maybe that would quench Sting's sexual frustrations. For now.
When his friend did come home, there was the 'Great Fight about not getting the condoms out of the cabinet and using them FOR GOD'S SAKE.'
Thankfully, Lector and Frosch had fell asleep before the 'Great Fight,' had started. Rogue would feel so guilty to cuss Sting out with the Exceeds nearby. It would've been a disaster.
Err - more of a disaster than his life already was.
Afterwards, they successfully got Sting to take him and his overly active teenage hormones elsewhere.
(Then, Sting learned a very important lesson: NEVER hit on Minerva. When he says he was kicked into next week, she literally sent him a kick so magically powered that she sent him a few hours ahead into the future. He stayed there.)
Then, it was just Rogue and Lucy.
Rogue and Lucy.
ONLY Rogue and Lucy.
But then Gajeel came out of absolutely no where followed by an iron pole and a mad Levy.
Something could've happened. Could've. But Levy needed specifics, and Gajeel needed to lecture Rogue about how to treat Lucy, and then Orga and Rufus decided that this was the perfect time to come over.
Basically, his house went from an oligarchy to a dictatorship to an anarchy in less than an hour.
Eventually, Rogue chased out Orga and Rufus with a broom on fire and Gajeel took a hint, but not without opening the cabinet wide open and making this weird pointing dance that looked like he was having a seizure.
When Lucy and Rogue finally were ALONE FOR ONCE Frosch woke up and started bawling as soon as she saw what was inside the cabinet ("FRO DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW! FRO DON'T THINK SO, FRO DON'T THINK SO!"), making a very awkward situation for Lucy and Rogue and eventually had to end then and there because the next person to come barreling through the window would probably be some giant nose connected to Grandeeney, and then she'd probably sneeze and then half of Magnolia would probably die.
It was a sad truth.
So Rogue walked Lucy home, while Frosch screamed at them to take the box because she didn't want a little sibling yet, while the shadow molester was currently the happiest being on the world because everything was falling into place... UNTIL...
Juvia came to Rogue's house crying about how "Juvia's Gray-sama was kissing Cana-san! Juvia never thought she was a love rival! Love Rival, I'm so sorry!"
(It was much, MUCH later when they found out that Mirajane had secretly loved Gray and Cana as a couple and blackmailed the two to kiss.)
So then Juvia's crying out to Lucy as she floods the room, Rogue is attempting to calm down Frosch, to no avail, and a shadow with two white eye-looking things in the middle is molesting a window because it crawled back out the sewer and it smells like shit.
Literally.
Deciding that nothing was going as she wanted for her freaking FIRST date, Lucy just fainted. Just fainted out of nowhere.
She was in a comatose state for three months.
Ooo...oooO
~Three month time skip because we're trolls like Mashima~
This was it. The endgame. The game changer.
The second date.
Okay, so Lucy didn't ACTUALLY fall into a coma, but it was more of the fact that Sting crawled through windows and sex offenders climbed out of sewer pipes just so Rogue and Lucy could procreate seemed to repel her. Who could blame her?
Ahh, the joy.
Now, Rogue had finally planned a second date that Sting and Skiadrum could not crash because of scheduling issues. (Rogue had no idea how his dad had a schedule when he only had like four friends and they all hung out in the wilderness outside of Magnolia all day and none of them had lives.)
"What do you mean, we're on our way to Mermaid Heel!?" Lucy screeched.
"Well you see, I have no interest in anybody but you, so I won't pay attention to anybody but you. Kagura can set Sting straight if he decides to follow us. Skiadrum wouldn't want to come because Weisslogia would follow him. And Mermaid Heel's town has the best frozen yogurt in Fiore, so I figured I'd treat you to your favorite food." Rogue explained.
(In Weisslogia's mind: human women = dragon women.)
(Weissologia is just plain out psychotic and is nearly as bad as Makarov. Not as bad, though, as he has probably undergone a vasectomy or Grandeeney might have neutered him. Good call Grandeeney.)
"Yogurt?" Lucy asked. It sounded appealing, normal, and hopefully a good place to not get ambushed by press.
"Good plan," Lucy said as she was nearly dragged. Dragons Slayers are so similar.
The blonde began to ponder back on the past three months. Why had it taken so long for the second date? Why ask when you have the group of utterly incapable and mentally unstable human beings that sometimes have the power to destroy the world in the palm of their hand?
Fairy Tail and Sabertooth. Enough said.
Rogue was differently though. He had EMOTIONS THAT HE CONTROLLED, (*cough cough* Juvia and Cana *cough cough*) he still had some relationship with his family (Even if it was just was a dad stuffing torn condoms in your face) and most of all: used his intelligence! That was so rare nowadays.
Lucy Logic:
Unlimited torn condom supply shadow dragon + anonymous female dragon = more or less an emotionally stable Rogue.
Emotionally stable Rogue + Lucy in a nice dress - father and son perverts = nice date without use of condoms. (Or intercourse!)
No intercourse + Virgin Rogue = No need for condoms.
No use for condoms + Skiadrum = Dragon questioning the meaning of life.
The walk (-ish jog) to their second date was sweet. The scent of roses filled the air, and the sun had just set not too long ago.
Lucy was a beautiful light in the darkness...
Or something really poetic. Rogue doesn't have a particular taste for literature.
In fact, he was quite surprised when he found out that she was writing a novel and had Sting beg Hibiki to download a plethora of literature into Rogue's brain. He also talked to Rufus about books, and asked Yukino how to impress Lucy.
"Just be yourself," She had said.
But then Skiadrum is like:
"Become her knight in shining armor, roll around in a barrel of apple slices naked, and stop watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles™. That should do the trick."
Natsu is like:
"I don't know," despite the fact that she's his best friend.
Mirajane is like:
"What carat will the ring be? How will you propose? When do you want your wedding? What theme? What will your children's names' be?"
Erza is like:
"B-b-b-babies? You have to-?" Faints.
Cana is like:
"Haha! Why don't you be my man, eh? You seem like a pretty little boy."
... Is she a child molester?
So nobody's attempt at helping him impress her has helped at all.
"Rogue? Hello? Earthland to Rogue?"
...what? Oh, he spent too much time thinking. His bad.
Fairy Tail and Sabertooth are officially the worst places to ask for advice.
"Sorry Lucy," Rogue tells her, as he stops his hobbling in front of a quaint little storefront.
It has a brick building, with a large lime green awning on it. The windows were painted with chalk colors in the shapes of fruits and swirls. The outside eating area was filled with black chairs and white and green laced umbrellas.
It was so adorable.
"I take Frosch here after missions. We know the owner. We get free treats in exchange for small favors for her," Rogue told Lucy, leading her inside.
It's brick on the inside just like the outside, and it was filled with pictures of woods and scenery like that.
Sting probably wouldn't be caught dead in a place like that.
This is a really cute place, Rogue."
He nods to her and walks up to the cash register.
"Hey, Adeline."
"Huh?" The woman, apparently named Adeline, looks up. "Oh my God! My little Rogue-sie Wogue-sie Poo has a girlfriend! Who is she?"
Ahem. *Cough cough*
Introducing...
...
...
...
...
Human Feminine Skaidrum!
(-ish person)
"Rogue," Lucy whispers. "What. The. Hell."
Rogue turns red and sharply whispers back, "This isn't usually her."
"Roguey Woguey got a girl finally! He was taking so long that I thought he was gay!"
Thankfully no one heard that as Rogue convulsed like he had been hit by a giant toothbrush.
"Your doing good, girl. This sparkly eyed Dragon Slayer definitely needs to stop being so sex deprived," the old lady whispered.
Rogue choked on his own lung and literally, LITERALLY, faded into the wall because guess what? You need to use those shadow magic abilities sometimes.
"OH. MY. GOSH." He says as he slips into the maroon rock. "That's not me, that's Sting!"
"He's a virgin," Lucy stated blushing.
The old lady winked. "So you know! He better lose it to you!"
Skiadrum needed to meet this woman.
"STOP TALKING ABOUT ME LIKE THAT!" Rogue angrily yells.
"But you know it's true!" Adeline replies.
"I HATE YOU!"
"Everybody says that!" The elderly woman laughs. "It's no big deal!"
"I don't think that's something to be proud of..." Lucy murmurs.
"I'm so lost. I'M GOING TO GO HUG A TREE!" A random citizen in the frozen yogurt shop yells, and then runs out to, I guess, go hug a tree.
"Yes! Rogue-ie Poo Poo Woo doesn't need you interfering in his relationship!"
Oh, gosh. First there was...
Wait. How did this whole thing start, again? Rogue just remembers being teased one second, and then -
OH MY GOD, HE STILL HASN'T GIVEN LUCY HER WALLET BACK.
Ooooo...ooooO
Me and Hope are also going to start on a companion collection of one shots for the crazy life of dragons. STAY TUNED!
Vamp!Dove had HopeandSecret roughly betaread this, so it has less grammatical errors. However, if it is so annoying that you can't fully concentrate on the story, she says to blame her and flame the life out of her.
However, I am a nice person, so after you flame her to death, read her stories 'A Couple Of Love Sick Jerks,' and 'Star Wars!' She's made a promise not to delete them and is currently working on side one shots. She has determination!