Sorry if this isn't up to par. Vamp!Dove has been having computer problems lately. But, in good news, we've started writing on Wattpad! We feel proud. (Sprintjump and FS4525)
I really wanted to get this out because you miss us and vice versa, so please excuse the MANY spelling/grammatical errors. If you don't, blame autocorrect.
Rogue was in a bit of pickle.
Actually, there was a time that he was on a mission and got stuck in a pickle, so, after spending days in it, he came to know the pickle on an emotional basis. Pickles have sentimental value.
Thus, Rogue was in a strawberry cheesecake that has ten layers, covered in peanut butter, dipped in a pea soup, rolled in bacteria and germ filled mud, and has mushrooms and raw steak as a filling.
Disgusting and confusing.
One side of the room is yelling: "Rogue-ie Woo Poo!"
The other side is whispering: "Heh. Heheh. This woman is crazy..."
And Rogue thinks that the guy from earlier is the one who is streaking down the street yelling about getting bark in places that it does not belong.
However, above all else... this stress is making him hungry. It's probably a side effect of being a Dragon Slayer. Kind of like how is skin becomes EXTRA sparkly in the sun!
...or is that just him?
Regardless of either, he finally walks up to the cash register and asks Adeline for vanilla.
"Do you even wemembew what fwozen yoguwt is?" She asks in the voice of a child. She seems to think that Rogue is five. Rogue's thoughts go haywire, thinking of things that could potentially scar the readers, so he hides his thoughts as to make the writers feel better about themselves.
"I do know!"
"Then you'd know I don't se-w vaniwwa! Rogue-ie Baby Bobby Pie must be tweated wike a chiwd because he is dumb-dumb!"
"Shut up." He growls, narrowing his eyes, but glaring.
Today took a turn for the worst in ways that Rogue cannot believe.
Adeline straightens her back, cracking it as she goes. (Seriously? That's totally a Sting move. Rogue thinks that she has no right to do that.) Then, she turns around.
"I'll get you love birds something nice, okay? Sit down and enjoy yourselves. Just don't leave any hickeys on each other. With your pale skin, it'll be as plain as day."
As said, the couple walk to a table. It was now or ne-
"Rogue, I think that it's for us to have the ex's talk." Lucy states.
"...what?"
"Have you ever had a girlfriend before?"
"Yes..."
"Can you tell me about her?"
"She had hair... and eyes... and, now that I think about it, her hygiene was terrible."
"Oh... anything else?"
"She broke up with me, on the eighth anniversary of the day that Skiadrum had me kill him, no less, for this guy named 'Link' or something."
"I'm so sorry..."
"Which was also the year that Fairy Tail disappeared. That eighth anniversary of Skiadrum's death..."
"..."
"It was hard at the time, but it got better after she died."
"Mind if I ask how she died?"
"She was the sand God Slayer. She was pulled into quicksand on a job."
"There's such thing as a Sand God Slayer?" Lucy asks, leaning in slightly.
Rogue sighs, weaving a hand through his raven locks. "Yeah. But her death... the rejection... for months I couldn't take it. But now, I realize that if you can live through the molest - err - my father, then you're for me. She couldn't even live through my loud snorting - not snoring - when I sleep. It gave her nightmares."
"I haven't heard you snort, and I saw you asleep when you were hurt-"
"I was in a dreamless sleep then. When I do dream, I tend to snort. Sting gropes the air in sexual-and very disturbing-ways. I found that out when he fell asleep on the couch after watching a late night horror movie. It was worse than the movie", Rogue said smirking. "Being a shadow most of the time to avoid the embarrassment forced upon by Sting's actions, well, I've learned quite a bit of blackmail on various people in Magnolia."
Lucy laughed. Rogue had a devilish side.
Well he did try to take over the world and everything, so of course he has a devilish side, but this is the small innocent part that got corrupted.
"Yukino is Sting's mate-"
"We all know that", Lucy snapped.
He laughed. Al he did was laugh. Rogue winked.
"But that's not it."
Oh my, the author is quivering with joy at the secret observations of the people Sabertooth and Fairy Tail.
"Yukino and Sting actually had a drunken one night stand, and that's how everyone knows their mates, except for those idiotic two. Sting doesn't realize what he's got is right there, like I have what I need for life in front of me", Rogue said, eying Lucy with a universal blush between the two. "And then there's Minerva..."
"What about her?" Lucy asks.
"Minerva checks him out all the time. Literally. She's some sort of creepy stalker. She tries to be nice and everything, but you can tell that she's looking at his butt ALL THE FREAKING TIME. She groped his butt the day of that movie. And, let me tell you, I died a little bit that day."
"That's... disturbing."
"Yeah... that's why I poisoned her before we left. Orga's dealing with her right now." Rogue smiled. "There's Fairy Tail too you know. I go to your guild when I'm bored with Sabertooth and the jacked up people in it. It's pretty much watching the same show with different actors."
He grinned at some unseen thought (he swears it wasn't sexual!). Lucy thought it was cute. He need to smile more.
"One time, I saw Weissologia sneak in to Fairy Tail. He was being a molester as usual, trying to see if a dragon could get drunk on rum while in elemental form. The little girl, Asuka, thought he was a guardian angel and forced him to levitate and play Ken. Oh. My. God. The horror. Now that I think about it Frosch said she was going to play barbies with the little girl next week too."
"I remember a green haired woman call: 'Asuka! Don't play with molesters!' Then that Elfman guy yelled: 'MOLESTERS ARE MANLY!'"
"Where was I?"
"Choking Happy in the corner. (A.N. Picture Bart and Homer Simpson.) And then Natsu got mad and chased you out. You missed it, too. That was the day, two months ago, that Sting became fat. Minerva gropes him harder now. And he walked on Yukino. And Minerva became jealous and started rolling around on the ground."
"I thought that... Minerva was the sane one..."
"I thought so too, but when the male reproductive system that Sting owns is involved in anything, even the sanest ones become the craziest."
"Oh no." Lucy said. "Is it worse because he's Master also?"
"Oh yeah!" Rogue scoffed. "All the female members of the guild are all over him. Some of them even try to get to me so they can get to him. It's rather sad really. It's pointless."
"Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my - wait. Rogue? Ehh, uhh.. Lucy-san?" Yells a man with nothing but a blanket on to cover him.
"Sting?!" They cried together at once.
"What are you doing here? We made sure that you'd be a gazillion miles away!" Rogue yells angrily.
"I'm so sad! I HAVE REGRETS!" Sting points his face towards the sky dramatically, clutching his eyes.
"What'd you do this time?" Rogue asks impatiently.
"I... I woke up naked."
"That's normal." Lucy comments.
"Next to Rufus."
"I want to kill myself."
"I shouldn't be hearing this."
"It was horrible! I got so drunk last night and I just woke up and then he was there so I kind of dragged him outside of my house and put him in a ditch and I'm crossing my fingers he doesn't ask why he woke up naked in a ditch," Sting said, grabbing Rogue by his shirt and shaking him with each word.
"You left Rufus in a ditch?" Rogue said, dizzy.
"DON'T JUDGE ME I'M NOT BI!"
"That's rude to Bi people", Lucy said.
Sting growled. "WELL I'M SORRY BI PEOPLE!""
"Bi people deserve a better apology than that."
"Eff this. I need to go home and sort through my paperwork. Also, Rogue, you're being removed from my will. Lucy, you are, too. By the way, when you find me tomorrow, DO NOT RESUSCITATE! But I need money."
"Why?"
"So that something can go on my will."
"You don't even have a will, do you?"
"No".
"Figures", Lucy mocked.
"Shut up blondie. I already showed you the condoms in the top cabinet. Use them," Sting snapped pointing at Rogue and Lucy, make a hole with one and hand and with the other he made it-
"Oh my god Sting, there are children in this yogurt shop." Rogue said.
The Light Dragon slayer blinked. "Did I use a condom last night? Should I ask Minerva-"
"Bad idea," Lucy said, making and ex with her hands.
"Go home you ass", Rogue told him firmly.
Sting glared, holding his hand up.
"Look at my pinkie! Look at my thumb! Look at my peace sign MINUS ONE!"
"Bastard", Rogue spat under his breath at the rude gesture.
"It's true!" Sting said pointing at his dirty hands.
"No, idiot."
"RUFUS DEFILED ME! My own friend. Mind you, I don't ship yaoi, and especially not guy X guy!"
"They're the same thing!"
"I ship myself harem styled. This is it! Anyways, I hate you! I... I ship RoLe now! I hate you! This is all your fault! And I ship OrLu! I hate you!"
"I don't want to know what ships are." Lucy whispers to Rogue.
"It's slang for 'I want blank and blank to have sex.' Don't use it. Ever."
"Then what is RoLe?" Lucy whispered.
"I don't know. Just add a Ro in with part of some persons name, Sting has said. Personally, he ships me with everyone because I shame due to being a virgin." Rogue coughed.
"Sting will you please-"
"I HAD SEX WITH A MAN!" Sting cried.
By now everyone had pretty just ran away due to the atmosphere of awkward.
"THAT'S OFFENSIVE TO GAY MEN, YOU ACTING LIKE IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD! GAY MEN ARE PERFECTLY HAPPY WITH THEIR SEXUAL CHOICES, IF APPLICABLE!"
"DO YOU TALK TO GAY MEN ABOUT THEIR SEXUAL CHOICES?"
"MAYBE! DOBENGAL BROUGHT IT UP WHEN WE WERE ALL DRINKING, OKAY?"
"NOT OKAY!"
"I'm gonna go..." Lucy said.
Unnoticed by everyone, Adeline had loaded a shotgun and was pointing it towards Sting's head.
"Get away, you-" Lucy coughs loudly, blocking out Adeline's word. "-BLOCKER!"
"What! Adeline, but you love me! Everybody does! You count. YOU MEAN SOMETHING!"
"Rogue-ie Poo Woo Wocwate Pie Cherry Cake Vanilla Tip Chinko Chops needs sex!"
"PUT. IT. DOWN." Rogue yelled.
"I think this is the part where you two go dance off into the sunset and run away and USE THE CONDOMS IN THE GODDAMN CABINET!" Sting yelled, grabbing Rogue and Lucy and forcing them out into the street. "Grandma-lady, LET'S DANCE!"
Once again, glitter rained out of nowhere, and then popped up Rogue's ebony haired head pulling Lucy along (not for the first time) saying: "ADELINE WILL BE FINE BY TOMORROW!"
"Can we just go somewhere normal?"
he authors shake their heads solemnly in disappointment. The characters should know by now that there is no such thing as "normal" as long as Fairy Tail exists. Your disagreements will forever be invalid.
"ROGUE-IE POO POO PARE BEAR OOGLY BOGLY ROGSIE POGSIE FAIRS-IE WEAR CARE CARE WEAR PANTS! WHERE ARE YOU GOING! GET OFF ME, STINGS-IE WINGS-IE FARTY CRY!"
"Grandma-lady! LOVE ME!"
"Get away, you sack of overly active hormones!"
"This turned out so bad so quick." Lucy sighed, used the pedophile nature of Makarov and crazy old people who try to kill other young people because they messed up their own youths and they wanted others to not have a future 'cause they is some selfish people and babble babble babble. (Pardon VampDove for her ghetto accent.)
"The goal was that it was at least supposed to start off innocent, and it did," Rogue sighed. (The authors are looking at each other through a computer screen and are wondering exactly who is the one that turned the day into a madhouse. Both are equally guilty, considering one made Sting drag Rufus into a ditch while naked and one made a little crazy old lady pull out a shotgun. That whole sentence is wrong.)
"But trouble just has to follow a fairy around", Rogue said smiling.
Oh dear, he was smiling.
Sparkles didn't have anything on that smile.
And it was beautiful.
...don't judge.