Commercial Hell
"Squall, Rinoa, Irvine, Zell, Selphie, Quistis, Seifer, Fujin, Raijin! Please report to my office immediately!"
Headmaster Cid summons the heroes of Balamb with a grand announcement.
"What's the situation, Headmaster? Is Ultimecia back?" Squall asks.
"Is Galbadia attacking us again?" Quistis inquires.
"Did Chicken-wuss here choke on a hotdog again?" Seifer asks, chuckling.
"H-hey! I'm standing right here you know!" Zell shot back.
Headmaster Cid stands up from behind his desk and shows everyone a flyer. "The Television Broadcasting Company are looking for inexperienced actors to be in their latest commercial campaign."
"And what does that have to do with us?" Irvine asks.
"They'll pay big bucks to all those who apply!" Headmaster Cid says.
"Count me in, I'm a natural-born actor, ya know?" Raijin says.
Fujin turns around and kicks Raijin in the shin. "LIAR."
"Awesome! How do we sign up?" Zell asks, apparently excited.
"You are all to go into the Real World and head toward the Television Broadcasting Company HQ," Headmaster Cid explains.
"The…Real World? What's that?" Selphie asks.
"Yeah, how do we get there?" Seifer adds.
"I can show you!" says Laguna, appearing out of nowhere.
"Yikes! Where the hell did you come from?!" says a shocked Zell, jumping into Seifer's arms. Seifer drops him onto the floor shortly afterwards.
Not giving Laguna a chance to answer, Headmaster Cid walks around the desk toward his students.
"Good! Have a nice trip!" Headmaster Cid says, as he begins shoving everyone out of his office.
"Won't this be fun, Squall?" Rinoa says.
"Right…fun…" Squall mumbled. "Why do I have a bad feeling about this?" he thinks to himself.
After Headmaster Cid shoos them outside, he closes the door. "They will not be keeping the money for themselves like they are assuming. That money will go to Balamb's 'Haul NORG's Sorry Carcass Out From The Basement' fund."
Squall and his friends have no idea what they will be getting themselves into as they tryout for many well-known, real-life commercials.
All of Squall and his friends arrive in the real world hours later after leaving Balamb. They step off of a bus just outside of the Television Broadcasting Company HQ. All of the gang now looked like real people instead of their game-rendered appearance.
"Wow…we no longer need to communicate using text-boxes anymore…weird…" Rinoa comments.
"Say, dad, how come we didn't know of a flight that takes people into the real world outside of the Final Fantasy universe?" Squall asks Laguna.
"It's a secret flight that only important high officials like myself know. Isn't that cool?" Laguna responds, giving everyone a side-ways thumbs-up.
"…Right…whatever…" Squall responds.
"Oh man! This is so awesome! We're now like in high-definition now! I look even moew awesome then back in the game!" Zell says excitedly, checking himself out from head to toe.
"Down boy…" Quistis says to Zell, rolling her eyes.
"Okay, let's get this commercial job crap outta the way so I can get paid," says Seifer.
"Right! I'll race you there! Come Irvine!" Selphie says, dragging Irvine with her as she rushed inside.
Everyone soon followed afterwards. Inside the HQ, they met with the president of the company: Charlatan F. Swindler.
"So you guys got my invitation to do commercials with us I see. Well, let's get to work immediately!" says Swindler. "I will now assign you all with the commercials you will be appearing in."
Commercial 1: Seifer and Zell in a Geico Insurance Commercial
Commercial 2: Selphie and Fujin in a Head-On Commercial
Commercial 3: Squall and Billy Mays in an OxyClean Commercial
Commercial 4: Raijin and Quistis in a Kool-Aid Commercial
Commercial 5: Laguna and Rinoa in a Chucky Cheese Commercial
Everyone nodded and reported to their designated studios to begin filming their commercials.
Little do they know of the scary and just plain stupid experiences they will soon encounter.
About a half-hour later, Seifer and Zell were in a private studio, preparing to be in the new set of Geico Car Insurance commercials. When they were ready, they took their positions. Seifer's commercial was going to be filmed first.
Seifer's Commercial
As Seifer sat on the set, the commercial director: the Geico Gecko, walks out and looks at Seifer.
"So you must be the new guy the boss told me about. Well, let's get on with it then. In this scene, a man is going to explain his car-woes and his solutions to the camera. Meanwhile, you respond to his statements with your own interpretations. Got it? Let's go," the Geico Gecko says as the little lizard turns around and hops into his director's chair.
A random guy walks on the set and sits next to Seifer shortly after.
"Geico Insurance Commercial…Take 1…and…Action!"
Narrator: Bob is an actual Geico customer, not a paid celebrity. So to help tell his story, we hired a guy from Balamb's Military Academy.
Bob: Last week my buddy borrowed my car and go into a wreck just down the street.
Seifer: Last week Chicken-wuss went on a joyride in my new vehicle and the little bitch crashed it trying to get out of the garage.
Bob: So I called Geico to help fix this situation.
Seifer: I forcibly made Chicken-wuss pay for all the damages himself.
Bob: In the end I got a check for a new car, and now I'm happy.
Seifer: The little bastard won't get near my car again since I installed a machine-gun security system from within.
Narrator: Geico: Real Insurance, Real Savings.
Zell's Commercial
After the first commercial, it was now Zell's turn to do his.
Zell took his position on the set, while the director explained his scene.
"This scene is very simple. You just lie on the ground while the other actors do their part," the Geico Gecko says, hopping into his director's chair.
"Second Geico Insurance Commercial…Take …and…Action!"
A woman runs to Zell, who was just ion a car wreck.
"My sweetie just got in a car wreck! Is there a doctor around?" the woman yells for help.
A doctor walks on screen and approaches the woman.
"I'm a doctor, I could save his life, but I don't need to," the doctor says.
"Why not?" the woman asks.
"I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico," the doctor says with a cheesy smile.
"Lame…" Zell mutters under his breath.
Narrator: Geico: Fifteen minutes can save you fifteen percent or more on your car insurance.
After the tapings, the Geico Gecko approached Seifer and Zell.
"Sorry boys, my boss just got through reviewing the commercials, and he says to do them again," the Geico Gecko says to them.
"Tough luck. I'm not doing any more commercials," Seifer says crossing his arms trying to look macho.
"Yeah! I didn't even get to say anything in my commercial at all!" Zell complains.
"No can do, you two will keep filming these commercials until my boss is satisfied," the Geico Gecko says.
"Screw that. Just mail me my check, I'm outta here," Seifer says, about to leave.
Suddenly, the tiny Geico Gecko jumps up and grabs Seifer around the neck, wrestling him down onto the ground.
"I says, you stay until my boss is satisfied, got it you pasty-faced punk?" the Geico Gecko growls at him.
Seifer, looking pretty worried, nods a quick 'yes'. Zell backed off very slowly after seeing his rival get owned and intimidated by a small reptile.
It looks like Zell and Seifer will be there filming commercials for a while. I wonder what the others are doing at his moment?
Meanwhile, Selphie and Fujin were preparing to shoot their commercial. Both girls stood in their studio, both waiting for the director.
"I'm so excited!" says Selphie, hopping up and down.
"THIS…IS…STUPID…" Fujin says, tapping her foot as she waited impatiently for the director to arrive.
After what seemed like forever, the director finally approaches them.
"Sorry for the delay, me and a few others had to make sure the Geico Gecko took his Anti-Outburst medication down at the other studio. Here's what I want you two to do. I want the chick with the eye patch to be the one applying the Head-On product on herself, while the girl in the tacky yellow dress does voice-overs. Okay, let's begin the commercial. Girl's, take your positions!" the director says, heading for his chair.
"Tacky…?" Selphie says, looking down at her dress.
"YEP…TACKY," Fujin responds.
Both girls got into position.
Director: Head-On Commercial…Take 1…Aaaand…action!
The screen shows Fujin applying the Head-On stick to her forehead while Selphie announced the product's slogan.
Selphie: Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead! Head-On: Apply directly to the forehead!...
"THIS…NUISANCE…!" Fujin thinks to herself.
Meanwhile, Squall was in another studio, paired up with Billy Mays, that loud annoying guy who advertises those cleaning products on TV. Both stood behind a counter within a kitchen-like setting. Squall looks around before turning to Billy.
"Where's the director?" Squall asks.
"We don't need a director. Just follow my lead, okay?" Billy whispers to Squall.
"…Whatever…" Squall responds.
A few seconds later, the commercial started.
"HELLO, BILLY MAYS HERE WITH MY NEW PRODUCT CALLED OXICLEAN! THIS STUFF CAN REMOVE STAINS, AND EVEN REMOVE THE PAINT OFF OF YOUR CAR! APPLY SOME TO YOUR FINE CHINA, AND WATCH ITS VALUE MELT AWAY BEFORE YOUR EYES! CALL NOW AND YOU'LL RECEIVE OUR FREE SPRAY ATTACHMENT! SPRAY IT ON ANYTHING: YOUR STOVES, YOUR TOILETS, EVEN YOUR BROWNIES! EVERYTHING WILL BECOME SUPER CLEAN WITH THIS FANTASTIC OXICLEAN! MY PARTNER WILL NOW DEMONSTRATE ITS POWER ON THIS DIRTY COUNTERTOP!" Billy says loudly, turning to Squall.
"Uh…no. You're a loud obnoxious bastard, and I'm going to leave now," Squall responds, glaring back at Billy.
"YOU CAN'T LEAVE WHILE THE CAMERA IS ROLLING!" Billy protests.
"Watch me," Squall says, grabbing the bottle of OxiClean and spraying it in Billy's eyes, then turning to leave.
"AAAHH, MY EYES!" Billy yells out in pain, reaching around the counter to grab another one of his products: The Mondo Meat-Cutter.
"Shit!" Squall says, now fleeing the set as Billy Mays pursues him while swinging a large steak knife.
A psycho product promoter is chasing squall, while Selphie and Fujin are stuck in their own annoying commercial. I wonder what the rest of the cast is up to…
Raijin and Quistis were on their set ready to film a commercial for Kool-Aid.
"This isn't right…Kool-Aid is for kids…aren't we too old to be doing this sort of thing?" Quistis asks Raijin.
"Ah it'll be okay. We're just advertising a drink product, ya know? No worries on my part," Raijin responds.
The director soon appeared before them.
"Okay, you two have it easy with this commercial. The Kool-Aid Man is going to come out and do his part, and at the end, I want you two to drink the Kool-Aid and comment how delicious and refreshing it is. Got it?" the director explained.
"I guess so…" Quistis says with a sigh.
"Kool-Aid Man? What's a Kool-Aid Man?" Raijin asks, scratching his head with curiosity.
Director: Kool-Aid Commercial…Take 1…Aaaand…action!
Quistis and Raijin are in a tropical beach backdrop when the Kool-Aid Man walks onto the set.
"Who wants a glass of Ice-cold Kool-Aid? It's refreshing, Ohhhhhh yeeaaaahhhh!" says the Kool-Aid Man as he approaches the two.
"WAAH! GIANT EVIL TALKING PITCHER OF JUICE! KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT!" Raijin yelled like a little schoolgirl as he grabbed his attack stick and starts bashing the crap out of the mascot.
"Ohhhh Noooooo!" the Kool-Aid Man yelled as he was being pummeled to oblivion.
Director: Cut cut CUUUUT! What the hell is wrong with you?!
Raijin finally stopped beating up the Kool-Aid Man, heaving from the relentless attack he had administered.
"Whoops…eheheh…I guess giant talking inanimate objects give me the creeps, ya know?" Raijin says with a nervous laugh.
The director looked pissed off while Quistis shook her head in embarrassment.
Meanwhile on another set, Laguna and Rinoa were preparing to shoot their commercial for Chucky Cheese.
"Okay, in this scene, you guys will be in the background in the ball pit while Chucky Cheese himself narrates about the chain of children's play places," their director told them.
"Sounds cool!" Laguna says enthusiastically.
"…Riight…" Rinoa responds, rolling her eyes.
Both Laguna and Rinoa jump into a giant ball pit in the background of the set while the Chucky Cheese mascot walks in front of the camera.
"See, this won't be too bad!" Laguna says, playfully throwing a bunch of plastic colored balls at Rinoa.
"Well…I supposes not…" Rinoa says, starting to have a change of heart.
Just as the commercial was about to start filming, a few more stage extras, namely a couple of 500-pound kids appear behind both Laguna and Rinoa and prepares to do a body-flop on top of them.
"Uh oh…" Laguna says as he looked up, gulping.
"This won't end well…" Rinoa says with a nervous laugh.
Much later back at Balamb Garden, all of the Seed students (and Laguna) were back in Headmaster Cid's office.
"So, did you guys enjoy yourselves?" Headmaster Cid asks as he holds a huge-ass sack of cash he got from the Television Broadcasting Company.
"It was awful!" Seifer protests.
"Oh? How so?" Headmaster Cid asks.
"I was stuck doing some stupid-ass car insurance commercial, and I got jumped by a stupid British Lizard!" Seifer responds.
"And I got the lamest part of the whole segment!" Zell adds.
"My voice is hoarse from saying 'Head-On' all day!" Selphie says in a groggy voice.
"GOT HEADACHE…FROM HEAD-ON COMMERCIAL…" Fujin responds.
"That crazy-ass Billy Mays chased me out of the building with a large knife!" Squall says angrily.
"Raijin almost had a nervous breakdown after encountering the Kool-Aid Man, and I ended up blowing my entire life-savings for his treatment!" Quistis says as Raijin sucked on his thumb like a little child.
"Me and Rinoa got flattened by a couple of overweight children! Don't kids go out and exercise anymore?" Laguna says disapprovingly as he and Rinoa sat in wheelchairs wearing full body casts.
After everyone had spoken of their experiences, they all turned to Irvine.
"Well what about you?" Headmaster Cid asks.
"Yeah! We haven't seen you all day since we started filming! Where did you go off too?" Selphie demands.
"Well…it wasn't a commercial, but I somehow was cast to be in some gay cowboy flick called Broke-Back Mountain…" Irvine says, trying to avoid talking about it any further.
"I see…well, you're all dismissed!" Headmaster Cid says to everyone, rushing them all out of the room.
"Maybe next I'll have them put on a fashion show of some sort to earn more money for the Garden…" Headmaster Cid schemes.
And you know what? That's exactly what he did.
Please review and keep watch for the next story: Final Fantasy VIII: Fashion Show Disaster, as this collection is constantly updated until its completion!