Cactuar Gone Wild: Prickly Intent - Part 2
Irvine Kinneas
"Ah yeah, and how are my little beauties doing today?" the cowboy asks as he opened his bedroom closet where his assortment of guns were stored. He walked in a looked left and right at his lavish collection of rifles and shotguns.
"Whom should I shine today?" he asks, before grabbing his Exeter and walking back to his bed.
That's when he saw Cactuar sitting on his bed looking at him.
"Hello little Cactuar," Irvine says coolly to the little cactus. "Come to watch me clean my gun?" he adds, sitting on the bed next to him. And pulling out a white cloth.
The Cactuar then jumped up and bounced toward Irvine's gun closet. It opened it, went inside, and then closed it shut. Irvine quickly stood up and strode to the closet as well.
"Hey hey, now, only I'm allowed to be in there," Irvine says as he opened the door to find Cactuar facing right at him, holding one of his guns pointing directly at Irvine's face.
Irvine backed up a bit and grinned.
"You like guns too I see. It's a shame that you wont be able to use it since I keep all my bullets in my pocket," he says, reaching into his pants pocket to show Cactuar, but realized that they were empty. Irvine looked up to see that Cactuar had stolen them.
Cactuar gave Irvine a menacing smile and fired the Exeter at him. It shot a hole straight through the middle of Irvine's cowboy hat. Irvine didn't flinch but raised an eyebrow at him.
"You think you are so cool by trying to prove you can use a gun. Too bad you'll never shoot as well as me," Irvine says, tipping his ruined hat.
BLAM!
Cactuar shot again, this time, blowing Irvine's cowboy hat clear off his head, leaving the center part of his hair charred black with little wisps of smoke trailing off of it.
"Oh now you've done it," Irvine says, looking a bit miffed now as he went to pull out a spare pistol out of his side pocket. However, he was too late as Cactuar then hurled the shotgun at Irvine, hitting his in the face, knocking him out cold.
Cactuar picked up the gun he had tossed, reloaded, and took it out into the hallway.
Selphie Tilmitt
"There! That should do it!"
Selphie was in another section of the Quad making the final touches to the stage she built for the Garden's upcoming summer concert. The stage, decorated with strobe lights and posters of the featured bands, was all in place to her satisfaction.
But something was missing….
"Oh! I forgot to plug in the lights. But the space behind the stage to the socket is too small for me to reach…" she sighs. That's when Cactuar hopped up to her from behind, pointing the gun it stole from Irvine straight at Selphie's back. Selphie turned around and saw the little cactus in an instant.
"Oh hiya little Cactuar! Whatcha got there?" she asks it. A sweat-drop appeared on Cactuar's face as he quickly discarded the gun before Selphie knew what it really had in its hands.
"Ooh! Since you are here, how about helping me do something?" she asks, bending down and playfully tickling Cactuar under the chin. Another sweat-drop appeared on Cactuar's face.
"Now, I want you to go over behind the stage and plug in the cord into the socket so all the pretty lights can come on," she instructs as she picked up Cactuar and set him near the back of the stage.
A huge-ass sweat-drop rolled down Cactuar's face as it tried to think up of a way to rid Selphie once and for all.
"Okay! While you do that, I'm going to grab a few things out of my toolbox!" she says cheerfully.
She turned away and skipped toward her toolbox. When she got what she wanted, she turned around and witnessed her entire stage set completely aflame in a massive bonfire.
At that time Cactuar was already gone as well. It grabbed Irvine's gun once again and ran out of there as fast as it could. It would have to come back and rid Selphie another time, but until then…
Quistis Trepe
Some time later, Cactuar bounced his way into the second-floor classroom sector of the Garden where he slipped into the room where Quistis was teaching.
"And now class, turn off your computers, for you're going to see a slide-show on the monsters of the world in their natural habitat," Quistis says to the class while pulling down a projector screen.
Cactuar slipped in and made his way toward the back of the class. When he found a good focal point, he aimed Irvin's gun directly at Quistis's head.
"Alright, I think we're almost set. Now, who wants to help me with the slides?" Quistis asks her class. All of the students reluctantly raised their hands. That's when Quistis spotted Cactuar hiding near in the back.
"Hmm? Is that Squall's Cactuar back there? What's he doing wandering about? Oh well, I read somewhere that Cactuars are pretty intelligent. Let's put it to the test," Quistis thought. She cleared her throat.
"Cactuar, I choose you," she says.
Cactuar sat Irvine's gun down and peeked his head around the corner into view. He was a bit frustrated for not shooting her earlier. So, he willingly made his way to the front of the class and hopped onto the desk where the slide-projector sat.
"Okay, little guy, when I give you the okay, I want you press this little button on this machine to change to the next slide," Quistis instructed. "Here you go," she continues, giving Cactuar the disk to put into the machine.
At that moment, she turned around and went to turn the classroom lights off.
This gave Cactuar the chance to start screwing things up. He tossed away the disk and went into her desk drawer. Seconds later, he popped back out with another disk he found hidden within Quistis's stuff. He popped that one into the machine instead. The entire class looked at what Cactuar was doing in curiosity.
After the lights went out, Quistis returned to the desk and turned toward the class.
"Okay, let's begin the lesson on 'Monsters in their Natural Habitat'. Roll the fist slide, please," Quistis says to Cactuar, her attention still toward her students.
"Observe the first slide of the ferocious T-Rex in his marked territory."
Cactuar grinned and clicked the button. The slide showed Quistis wearing a black dominatrix suit while holding a whip and a pretty scared Zell stripped to nothing but his underwear and tied to her bed.
The entire class all gasped in shock at what they were seeing. Quistis didn't turn to see the slide yet.
"Yes, pretty fascinating, isn't it? Next slide please. In this picture, you see a group of Grats gathering with others of its kind."
Cactuar clicked the button for the next slide. This time, it showed her, Nida, Xu, and the Card Queen all laying passed out drunk while holding beer bottles at the Garden's Secret Spot.
The entire class then started busting-up laughing at that slide.
"What's so funny? No matter, next slide please. Here you'll observe a Buel ready to attack its prey in the Fire Caverns," Quistis continues.
Cactuar proceeded to the next slide, where it showed Quistis shining a big-ass shotgun with the words 'All Trepies Will Die' engraved on the handle.
Everyone in the class began cringing in fear.
"What is up with you people today? Moving on to the last slide, you'll see two Malboros mating with each other in tender love."
Cactuar clicked the next slide, which showed Quistis passionately locking lips with the Library Girl with the pigtails (the one Zell likes).
The entire class cheered in an uproar while whistling flirtingly at their teachers.
That's when Quistis finally turned around at saw the screen.
"Goddammit!" Quistis yells as she rushed over and turned the projector off herself. She shot an angry look at Cactuar.
"Where did you find my secret photos? Now my reputation's ruined!" she yells at the little Cactuar while she grabbed her chain-whip. "Take this!" she yells, flinging her whip at Cactuar.
Cactuar quickly dodges the attack, the whip however swings over and smashes into Quistis's computer monitor, electrocuting her whip and shocking her with 10,000 volts of electricity. Quistis was then jettisoned across the class and crashes out the second-floor window.
While the rest of the class was looking out the broken window for their teacher, Cactuar grabbed the gun once again and made its way out.
Edea Kramer
After Edea had finished smacking her husband Cid to next Tuesday in the Infirmary, she left and made her way down one of Balamb's corridors. She turned the corner and saw Cactuar with Irvine's gun in hand.
"Squall's Cactuar? What are you doing out h-" Edea started to say, but was immediately shot by Cactuar. Afterwards, Cactuar continued his rounds of destruction around the Garden.
Raijin
Raijin was pacing back and forth just outside of the Garden's entrance. He was holding a bouquet of flowers and was wearing a tie over his usual clothing. Moments later, he saw Fujin drive across the front of the Garden's roadway and park on the side. Raijin immediately dove into some bushes before she could notice him.
"Man oh man, there she is…" he says, peeking around the corner to get a glimpse of her. That's when he felt something bump into his foot.
It was Cactuar, who was staring up at him curiously.
"Oh…hello little dude. Bet you're wondering why I'm hiding from Fujin. You see, I'm in love with her, ya know?"
Cactuar cocked its head to the side when he says this.
"This is a bit embarrassing, but I think you wouldn't mind. Every time I'm near her, I just feel so strange inside. She's a woman of few words, but it somehow turns me on, ya know?"
Cactuar blinked at Raijin as he continued.
"Now I want to tell her how I feel, but I just can't muster up the courage to do so, ya know? If you've felt her kicks to the gut, you'd know, ya know?"
A sweat-drop appeared on Cactuar's forehead. It appeared a bit bored of his rant.
"Say, I have an idea. Why don't you pretend to be Fujin for me, so I can practice on how to approach her, ya know?"
Cactuar now had a 'what the hell' look on its face. Raijin picked up Cactuar and placed him on a ledge at eye level to him.
"Okay, here we go: Fujin, baby, how's it going?"
Cactuar kicked Raijin in the nose after he says that.
"Ow! No good then, eh?" he asks, rubbing his nose. "Okay, I'll try this: Hey cutie, that eyepatch suits you…"
Cactuar then poked him in the eye after he says that.
"Yeow! No good either?" he says, rubbing his eye.
"Okay then, how about this one: I have a crush on you, you wanna go on a date or something?"
Cactuar looked at Raijin for a second, before hopping down onto the ground.
"Well, what do you know? I guess that's the perfect thing to say then, ya know?" he says, scratching his head and smiling in satisfaction, not noticing that Cactuar had went behind him and was preparing to poke him in the butt with one of its sharp needles.
DOINK!
"WHOA-HO-HO-HO!" Raijn yells as he flew high into the air and landed out in the main roadway with a crash. A semi-truck then came, narrowly missing him as it collided with several other cars coming down the road. A final large explosion shot Raijin out from the accident scene toward Fujin's car.
Fujin
Fujin stepped out of her brand new car she had just bought and shut the door. As she began walking away from it, she heard a loud noise of glass crashing from behind her. She quickly spun around to see a burnt-black Raijin was crashed headfirst into her front window, also leaving a deep dent in her car's hood.
"RAAAAAAAGGGGGGEEEEEE!" she yells angrily, stomping toward her car, grabbing Raijin from the legs and yanking him out. She then proceeded to kick the crap out of Mr. Ya-Know, shouting one-word explicates at the same time.
While she was preoccupied with Raijin, Cactuar managed to sneak Fujin's keys from her pocket and hop into the driver's seat of the car.
When she was finished, Fujin stomped off toward the Garden, when she heard a familiar beeping of a horn from behind. She spun around again, only having enough time to scream as Cactuar ran her over with her own car.
Cactuar turned and sped up the stairs and drove into the entrance of the Garden, destroying everything in its path during the GF's reckless driving.
From that day forth, Catcuar would become infamous as the little GF that took down Balamb Garden and its heroes.
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