A/N: Quick note: I got the name of the OC from Katy's (BadMum) Potterverse. Thanks.

He was never there when it counted. Charlie shifts restlessly in his old bed on the night before Fred's funeral, and this is the only thought that keeps running through his mind. And sure, he is here now, and he knows that Mum and Dad will tell him that this is what counts, but it isn't. Now isn't enough. Now is hardly enough to make up for all of the times he's missed, for all of the owls that made him sit and stare out the window and wonder how he could be so far away. Like when his little sister was taken into the Chamber of Secrets … or when his father was attacked at the Ministry … or when his little brother and sister were hurt in the Department of Mysteries … or when Bill was hurt by Greyback … or when Fred…

He closes his eyes and tries to regulate his breathing. He's done it before. Like when Ginny…

It is five years earlier. Charlie sits in a flat over a pub with a few friends. They are all drinking fire whiskey, and someone has brought a wizard chess set. Two of his friends are playing, and he's offering "helpful" hints, when an owl soars in the window. No one looks up, and he is surprised to see that it is a message from his parents. His mum usually only writes on weekends, and this is the middle of the week. Curiosity takes over, and he decides to open the parchment – and then immediately wishes he hadn't. Because his friend Eleri notices, and she turns to him in concern when she sees all of the color drain from his face.

"What is it, Charlie?" she asks, and as he looks at her, he opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. Wordlessly, he passes her the parchment, and once she reads it, she pales as well.

Charlie hardly realizes what is happening as she quickly clears the rest of their friends out of the flat, and he is sitting and staring out the window when she sits down and hands the parchment back to him. He glances at it again, and a tremor suddenly courses through him. The paper falls onto the table, and he hunches over and buries his face in his hands.

Eleri sits there silently and doesn't say a word, and when he sits up, his face is wet, but she doesn't look at him, and he stretches, surreptitiously wiping his tears away in the process. Finally, he sighs, and his voice is scratchy when he mumbles, "It's just – it's my little sister. And I don't know – how will I know when she's ok? There's nothing – nothing – I can do, and I'm not even there. I don't know…"

He trails off because he doesn't even know what he's trying to say, and he's afraid that if he keeps talking, he'll start crying again. The last thing he wants to do right now is let anyone help him, even Eleri. He takes a deep breath, and in a low voice, he mumbles, "Thanks for getting everyone out of here. I think – I think I'll just go to bed now."

Eleri looks at him for a moment and then just kind of nods and walks out. Once she is gone, Charlie stumbles to the bed and flops face first onto his pillow. He doesn't sleep that night. He doesn't close his eyes at all, in fact, until he gets the next owl, and that's when he really can't control his tears, and he couldn't be more relieved that he's alone. When he finally calms down, he also realizes that it's time he meets Harry Potter. He did save his sister, after all. He'd like to thank him in person.

He wakes with a start, and there's a moment before he realizes that Ginny's all right and no longer in the Chamber of Secrets. He starts to breathe easier until the second reality hits the same way it always does – with full force. Fred isn't all right. Fred… still … isn't all right.

He turns back over and closes his eyes tightly. He can't think about that now. He needs to sleep. He can do this. He did it the night he found out about his dad…

He hasn't gotten a mid-week owl in three years, and when this one swoops in the window, his stomach does that funny swooping thing itself. He is alone this time, though, and he is shivering as he rips open the parchment. This time, the words blur before he even finishes reading them, and the letter falls from his hands as he sits, stiff with shock. It can't be… his father… no. This can't be happening.

But then he picks up the letter and looks at it again, hoping that the words will change if he stares at them long enough, but they don't; they don't, and he balls it up, taking it to the bed with him as he falls across it. He wishes he could breathe easily; he wishes his stomach didn't hurt; he wishes he weren't crying, and he falls asleep with the letter crumpled in his fist.

And the next morning, he wakes up and paces around his flat. He wants to scream with frustration. Why can't he be there? When will he know something? How could they keep him in the dark like this? It isn't fair; it isn't, but suddenly, an owl is flying through his window again, and he hardly manages to detach the parchment from his leg because his hands are shaking so badly. When he finally gets it free, though, he waits. Should he open it? Does he want to know? Because they were lucky last time, with Ginny. They won't always be this lucky. Maybe now's when their luck's run out. But this is stupid, he realizes, because if this were bad news, then one of them would be here. They wouldn't let him learn about it in a letter … would they? There is only one way to find out. He opens the letter, and he is breathing again for the first time in 12 hours. He's ok. His father's ok. Their luck's held.

He jolts awake again, and when he looks at the clock, he sighs. He's only slept another half hour. This isn't fair. He needs to sleep; he really does. He punches his pillow as he turns over again. He can do this. He can go to sleep and stay there. He has to. He did it after he found out about Ron and Ginny's night at the ministry, after all…

It's almost starting to seem like a sick joke when the owl flies in, and this time Eleri is the only other one there. He'd only gotten the owl about his dad a year ago, and the fact that they're coming more frequently now terrifies him. This war… it's real, and his family is a prime target again. Eleri puts her hand out to take the parchment once it's become clear that he's no longer reading it. She scans it quickly and then turns to him.

"They're going to be all right," she said quietly but firmly, and he can't look at her, but he nods. When he doesn't say anything, she says, "They are. You read the letter. None of their injuries are that serious."

He lets out a deep sigh, and now she moves closer to him.

"Charlie," she whispers, "it's ok."

But he shakes his head. "It isn't," he manages to say. "I've – I've never been there for any of this, you know. Not Ginny's abduction, not Dad's snake bite, not this… and things are getting worse there, El. These letters – I'm just going to keep getting them. I think sometimes that maybe – maybe I should move back there."

She sighs. They've had this conversation before, and every time they do, it ends the same way. Hoping to avoid the argument, she says quietly, "You're doing important work here, too."

He still won't look at her, but he says, "But they're in danger."

She shakes her head. "And you'd stop that how?"

He has no answer, but that doesn't help his fear, and he throws the letter on the table as he shoves back his chair.

"I'm going to bed," he mutters, and he leaves the room. After a moment, Eleri joins him, and her heart sinks when she sees his shoulders shaking, but she says nothing. She just puts her arms around him tightly and prays that he won't ever get these letters again.

Charlie almost smiles in his sleep, the feel of Eleri's arms still with him, but then he's awake again, and he's alone, and this is the worst one yet because now he misses her too, and he can't stop remembering all of this. He levitates his blankets, letting them settle on him again lightly, and he tries counting snitches. Something's got to work. If he could fall asleep after he learned about Bill's scars, after all…

He almost expects the owl this time. It sounds terrible, but he's gotten used to the idea that his family is in danger and that he's been relegated to hearing about it through the post. But this letter… his legs can't even support him.

Bill was attacked. Bill was attacked. His big brother – well, it's just not possible. Bill is the only one who can't get hurt. Charlie wishes Eleri were here this time, but he can't even get the wherewithal to floo her because he can't stop shaking. This time it's not just his hands. It's his whole body. He only manages to fall into bed, and he's still there when the next owl finally arrives.

Bill's going to be ok. He's ok. He's scarred, but he's ok. He repeats the words to himself like a mantra. Ok. Bill's ok. And he doesn't even realize that he's crying until Eleri lets herself into the flat and then rushes to him. She takes him in her arms, and he hides his head in her lap, his tears soaking her skirt. And he's never felt more stupid than the moment when he calms down and manages to say… "He's ok. Bill's ok."

Because why was he really crying after all? But Eleri just smiles with relief and then goes into the kitchen to make tea as he dashes off a quick note. This time, he really will go home. Not for good, but he needs to see Bill. And when he does, he has to bite his lip to keep from crying out, but he manages to smile instead. Because all that matters is that Bill is ok and still here. That's always been all that matters. That they're all still here.

And when he wakes up again, the sunlight is streaming through the windows, and his pillow is wet, and Charlie knows why. Because they're not all still here. And that's why he's home now.

A/N: So I obviously decided to continue this, and I changed the description. Please read and review.