"Please wait here – Mr. Luthor will be with you shortly," said Mercy Graves, as she ushered the Joker and Crane into a room in Luthor's hotel suite.
"So c'mon, tell me, what's the real reason your back was thrown out?" asked Joker, eagerly.
"I'm not telling you, no matter how much you badger me," snapped Crane.
"All right, I'll make up a story I'll spread around the party guests later, and you can bet it'll be more embarrassing than the actual thing," said Joker, shrugging.
"I doubt it could be," retorted Crane.
"Boy, that bad, huh?" asked Joker, whistling. "Does it involve a whoopie cushion?"
"What? No!" snapped Crane.
"A shower?" guessed Joker.
"I'm really not going to discuss it," said Crane.
"Well, you're no fun," retorted Joker.
"We're not here for fun," snapped Crane.
"No, you're not," said Lex Luthor, entering the room at that moment. "You're here for business."
"Don't you know it's a holiday, Lexy?" demanded Joker. "I ain't legally obligated to do any work until after New Years!"
"There are no holidays in the supercriminal business," snapped Luthor. "A real supercriminal would know that."
"Wow, you'd think a guy who was president would've learned about negotiation and diplomacy, and would know that insulting people ain't a great way to get people to help you out," commented Joker.
"On the contrary, I've found that the direct approach is usually best," said Luthor, taking a seat in front of them. "And that I'm too important for small talk, so I'll get straight to the point. I have a plan for this city, a plan that I want the two of you to help me with. A plan that will really ruin Batman's Christmas."
"Now that's not really in the spirit of the season, is it, Lexy?" asked Joker. "Whatever happened to charity and goodwill to all men?"
"It's not goodwill to all Batmen, is it?" asked Luthor.
"Focusing on a technicality – just like a politician," sighed Joker. "Either that or a lawyer…"
"Just what is this plan?" asked Crane. "And why do you need both of us?"
"And why don't you cause trouble in your own city instead of crashing ours?" demanded Joker. "Go spoil your own bullying vigilante's Christmas instead!"
Luthor sighed. "As members of the Injustice League, you both have a duty to respond to a fellow member's request for assistance."
"So we've responded, but that don't mean we're gonna help you," retorted Joker.
"I don't understand why you wouldn't want to upset Batman's Christmas," said Luthor. "Surely that's basically your job?"
"My job is to work hard and play hard," retorted Joker. "Both of which I do when I'm not on vacation. But as I'm on vacation now, my job is not to worry about my job until the new year. It's un-American to expect a guy to work over Christmas, Lexy. You of all people should know that."
"I know all about un-American activities – I chaired a committee on those," said Luthor. "And this isn't work – it's fun. I want you two to hold the city hostage – threaten them with a gas attack on both fronts, one fear-based and one laughing-based. Then I can come in and negotiate with you and save Gotham from the biggest potential disaster in its disaster-filled history. I will be the hero of this city, not Batman, which will eat him up inside, and help me gain good publicity here in the bargain."
"What do you want good publicity for?" asked Joker. "You've already been president, and last I checked, you couldn't run for more than two terms."
"For now," agreed Luthor. "But it never hurts to stay favorable in the eyes of the public. Never know when they might be useful tools, against some superheroic freak, say."
"Geez, Lexy, do you ever think that maybe your obsession with Superman is getting outta hand and ruining your life?" asked Joker. "A man should have other things to care about than just his nemesis, you know."
"Such words from you," sneered Luthor.
"What's that supposed to mean?" demanded Joker.
Luthor shrugged. "Well, let's face it, J. Ever since you knocked up Harley and had those kids of yours, you've lost your touch as a supervillain. The Joker used to be one of the most feared and respected bad guys around, and you can't expect to keep that image when you're entertaining children and being a supportive father."
"There's no reason why a guy can't be a supervillain and a good dad," retorted Joker. "Just because Darth Vader couldn't manage it…"
"If you disrespect our life choices so much, why do you even want us to help you?" interrupted Crane.
"I would have thought you'd both appreciate the chance to be feared again," retorted Luthor. "That whole family man routine must get boring after awhile."
"No, not really," replied Crane. "At least not for me – I can't speak for Joker."
"My kids are not boring!" snapped Joker. "They're endlessly entertaining, just like their old man!"
"You know what, if you want to waste the rest of your life entertaining children, you be my guest," snapped Luthor. "You've finally become a birthday clown, Joker. You're no more scary than a birthday clown anyway anymore. My respect for you was never very much, but it used to be higher than that. And you used to be better than that. You've gone soft."
"I have not!" snapped Joker, leaping to his feet. "I'm just as feared as I ever was! Ask anyone!"
"I have," retorted Luthor. "Asked around the Injustice League anyway, and they all share my opinion."
"Well, who cares what those buncha losers think?" demanded Joker. "It's been years now and not a one of them has come anywhere close to defeating their nemeses or doing anything remotely productive with their lives. They should probably start questioning their lifestyle choices, frankly, wasting their time on useless scheme after useless scheme, just like you, Lexy."
"I became president of the United States!" shouted Luthor.
"So?" demanded Joker. "You think that's the only measure of a man? You think the adoration of the masses is worth more than my kids faces when they look at me? God, you really must be crazy, Lexy."
"I'm not the crazy one here," retorted Luthor. "And that's all you are anymore, Joker. Just some crazy, pathetic, old, worn out, sad birthday clown who's lost his edge."
Joker forced a smile. "Reverse psychology don't work on me, Lex – Harley taught me all about that a long time ago. You won't trick me into helping you out by insulting me."
"Nor me," agreed Crane, standing up slowly and wincing. "I can't possibly leave my family over the holidays, and anyway, I'm in no fit state to commit a crime. You'll just have to find someone else to help you, Luthor, or else pick a different time and place for this."
Luthor glared from one to the other of them. "Fine," he said, lightly. "I'll modify my plans so as not to include the two of you. Have a very merry Christmas, and a happy new year," he said, sarcastically.
"Yeah, hope you get crushed by a Christmas tree, jerk," snapped Joker, heading for the door. "Or else someone shoots a firework up your…"
Crane shut the door before he could finish. They headed back to the Joker's car in silence. "Are you all right?" asked Crane, noticing Joker's scowl.
"Fine," snapped Joker. "Why wouldn't I be fine? I ain't stupid enough to care about what that moron thinks, or to pay any attention to the words of an idiot. Especially an idiot politician."
Crane shrugged, staring out the window as Joker drove. "You don't think I've lost my edge, do you, Johnny?" asked Joker at last.
"What? No," said Crane. "No, you're as crazy and dangerous as ever. I think having your family has changed you, just as mine has changed me, but we're both still feared supervillains in our own right."
"Well, you were never feared," said Joker. "But you're right – the old Joker name still conjures up terror in the hearts and minds of the people of Gotham. Otherwise why would Batsy keep fighting me?"
He frowned. "Course it has been several weeks since we last fought, but I've been busy, with the kids, y'know…"
"I know," agreed Crane, nodding. "Family can be very preoccupying. In the most wonderful way, of course."
Joker was silent again. "Do you miss not getting out there as much?" he asked.
"No," retorted Crane. "Do you?"
"No," agreed Joker. "Of course not. Don't be silly."
He continued to frown as he pulled the car into the driveway of his hideout. Crane climbed out, but Joker stayed in. "Look, tell Harley and the kids that I just needed a walk," he said. "Just got some things to think about, and need to clear my head. I'll be back before the party gets started."
"All right," said Crane. "Where will you go?"
"Dunno," said Joker. "Just gonna drive around and see where I end up."
Crane nodded and shut the car door. Joker watched him go, and then backed the car out of the driveway, heading back out into the streets of Gotham.