How To Catch A Chocobo: A Chocobo Sage's Guide
A little man with a white beard flips the switch on a film projector. He then walks up to the front of the room and stands behind a podium below the screen. The movie counts down before starting. The little man begins narrating.
"Hello, and welcome to a special presentation entitled…uh…what was the name of this movie again?…Oh, now I remember! How To Catch A Chocobo, a guide by me: The Chocobo Sage! In this short film, my good friend Cloud Strife will be handling the demonstrations while I narrate. Now, let's get started."
The black and white silent movie opens up showing a wide-open field with mountains in the background on a sunny day. The camera pans to the left to reveal Cloud aimlessly walking around wondering what the hell was going on and why he was in the middle of nowhere.
"Meet Cloud. A well mannered, but troubled young man who carries a big sword and sports a dorky hairstyle."
Cloud turns to the camera and crosses his arms, sticking his tongue at the Chocobo Sage's remarks.
Today he will be showing us how easy it is to catch a Chocobo. So let's begin with the first step:
Step One: Locate Some Chocobo Tracks
"It is important that you first seek out some Chocobo tracks embedded into the ground. It is a sure place to find a Chocobo when you need one. But you must be careful not to step into the…oh shoot…what aren't you supposed to be stepping in…?"
Cloud wanders around in the film until he finds a set of Chocobo tracks. Upon further inspection, he notices a gargantuan footprint 50-times its normal size. He then notices a very large shadow blanket the area. He screams as a monstrous-sized Chocobo then crushes him with a single stomp.
"Oh, now I remember! Be careful not to get near the freakishly large footprints. Giant mutated Chocobo tread those areas. Moving on to the second step:
Step Two: Gather Some Fresh Greens
"Chocobo can't resist the crisp, lush flavor of Gyshal Greens. Picking some up before you go hunting for one is a must. How about grabbing a few at that local farm over yonder?"
Cloud points to a farm a ways from him in the distance.
"Yes, yes, that farm. Go on!"
The film now shows Cloud now at the farm, picking some greens from someone's garden. Out of nowhere, a farmer sees him and begins running toward his with a shotgun, chasing Cloud off of his farm yelling at him to drop his greens, firing at Cloud a few dozen times.
"Now that we have some greens, its time for the fun part! Third step:
Step Three: With Your Greens On Hand, Run Around The Chocobo Tracks Until You Get Into A Battle
"As the third step implies, run around the Chocobo tracks until you get into a battle. Once in battle, you will be confronted by a Chocobo, accompanied by a few monsters."
Cloud does just that, and is in battle. In front of him he sees a Chocobo looking at him, but sees no other enemies around.
"Now, to keep the Chocobo from running away from you, toss some greens at him, and he'll be preoccupied with eating up the greens while you finish of the other foes around him."
Cloud does just that, but looks around and sees no one to fight. Out of nowhere, Ruby Weapon grabs him from behind and begins beating the shit out of him. After a few minutes of struggling, Cloud finally defeats the Weapon. He, however, is beaten, bruised, and his sword is broken in half.
"And there you have it! By now you should have you own Chocobo at your own disposal!"
The film now shows Cloud shakily giving a thumbs-up next to his acquired Chocobo, before falling over unconscious. The Chocobo looks at him wondering what's wrong with him.
"That's all for today's presentation folks! This is…uh…what's my name again?…Oh, The Chocobo Sage, casting off until next time!"
The Sage then runs off the stage as he is bombarded by a legion of Chocobo lead by Cloud, who's pissed off at the Sage for stupidly taking part in that movie.
FIN
(Note: No Chocobo were harmed during the making of this film.)
Please review and keep watch for the next story: How To Race A Chocobo: A Chocobo Racer's Guide, as this collection is constantly updated until its completion!