How To Race A Chocobo: A Chocobo Racer's Guide

A man wearing black cowboy attire is seen walking through the gate of the Gold Saucer, He heads up the stairs and enters the Chocobo Racing arena. After going into the stables where his prized black Chocobo resides, he looks up and notices the readers reading this fic.

"Howdy! The name's Joe, and this is my Chocobo Teio. A while ago, the Chocobo Sage showed you how to catch one of these fine birds! Now I'm going to show you how to race a Chocobo and how to keep them in tiptop shape. With us here tonight is everyone's favorite spiky-haired hero: Cloud!

Cloud is seen inside another booth tugging with all his might to pull his stubborn Chocobo out of its stable stall, which stood there looking at Cloud with a clueless look on its face. Cloud then loses his grip and flies backwards, landing face-first in a steaming pile of bird-dung.

"Right…let's get started with my quick and easy tips on race preparation..."

Tip #1: Keep Your Chocobo In Good Health

"Keeping your Chocobo healthy is a no brainier. But for it to reach its full potential, you must feed it the right type of greens," Joe says, looking to see if his racing rival is doing what he told him to do.

Cloud is now carrying a handful of greens to his Chocobo. He sets them down and feeds it one. The Chocobo's face turns green and it immediately throws it up on Cloud's face.

"It might take several tries until you find which type of greens your bird actually likes."

Cloud is now covered completely with vegetable barf while his Chocobo is happily enjoying the very last batch of greens he gave to it.

"Now for the next demonstration..."

Tip #2: …Naming Your Chocobo?!

Joe looks at Cloud with disbelief.

"You mean you haven't yet named your bird?!"

Cloud gives Joe his trademark 'I don't know' shrug.

"Okay then…well, what are you waiting for? Give your new friend a name already!"

Cloud picks up a bunch of signs with possible names written on them and shows it to his Chocobo.

(((How does Martha sound?)))

The Chocobo pecks the sign in half, showing its dislike for the name. Cloud shows him another sign.

(((What about KFC?)))

His Chocobo grabs the sign with its beak and slaps Cloud upside the head with it, again, not liking the name. Cloud shakes off the stars and shows his bird one final sign.

(((Okay, can we settle for Boko?)))

The Chocobo jumps up and down with glee, liking the name. Cloud wipes his brow with relief, when suddenly a loose wooden beam from the stable's roof falls on top of Cloud from the Chocobo's jumping, knocking Cloud out cold.

"Um…well…after Cloud wakes up, we'll continue with the next tip," Joe says, a big anime-style sweat-drop appearing on his forehead.

An Hour Later

Joe is seen finishing a sandwich from a sack-lunch. After he's done eating, he notices Cloud regaining consciousness, so he quickly hides the lunch-bag he holds that has the name 'Cloud' on it.

"Great! Now that Cloud is awake, we can now go to..."

Tip #3: Mounting Your Chocobo Before A Race

"You may have a strong, healthy Chocobo fit for racing, but the true test of companionship is shown if your bird will let you actually ride it. Let's watch and see what happens."

Cloud is now outside at the tracks ready to mount his bird. He hoists himself onto Boko and kicks it to tell it to 'Giddy-up'. Boko retaliates by jumping up into the air, and flipping itself upside down. The bird landed on the ground, crushing Cloud on impact. Cloud's arm rises from underneath his bird and gives a shaky thumbs-up to Joe.

"Good…I think. Now for tonight's final tip..."

Tip #4: Winning A Race

Joe, Cloud, and several other racers are lined up at the Chocobo Racer's starting line. While all the other Chocobo and their owners look cool and ready to race, Boko is seen frantically trying to wiggle Cloud off of him, since Cloud glued himself on Boko's back to keep him from falling off.

"Now for the moment of truth. If you have taken all of my tips into consideration, you will have a greater chance of victory of winning your first race, or at least placing high in placement," Joe says, before turning to Cloud. "Good luck, partner!"

Cloud gives Joe a doubtful smile.

"READY…..SET…..GO!"

The announcer waves the flag for the race to begin. All of the racers start off strong down the track, while Cloud and Boko are still at the starting line. Desperate to get his Chocobo to start racing, he pulls out its favorite greens and tosses it in down the track. Boko squeals happily and starts jetting off down the track to get it. However, the ball of greens suddenly rolls off to the side. Boko goes after it, crashing through a wall and the two began flying out of the arena.

(For added fun, imaging the 'Fiddle de Chocobo theme playing as the following scenes happen)

Boko and Cloud land on the Roller coaster, which took them all around the park. A sharp-turn later, the coaster dumps the two out of the seats, and the two fall through the ceiling of another building: The Battle Arena. The two then frantically start running away when Ruby Weapon sees them and starts attacking.

After leaving the building, Boko sees the ball of greens and continues chasing after it once again. After crashing through several crowds of people, slamming into several arcade machines, trampling over Cait Sith, and trashing the haunted hotel, the two somehow make it back to the Chocobo Racing track, where Boko finally catches up to his treat and eats it. Cloud looks like he was thrown into a clothes-dryer full of rocks and was rolled around on spin-cycle for 5 hours. The glue wears off, and Cloud slides off his bird and crashes to he ground.

"AND WE HAVE A WINNER FOLKS! CLOUD AND HIS CHOCOBO, BOKO WIN THE RACE!"

Both Cloud and Boko give a really dumfounded look to the audience, just realizing that they actually were the first to reach the finish line.

Joe rides up next to them and congratulates them.

"Good job you two. You really were something. Want to race again tonight?"

Cloud is now seen running away from them, screaming and arms flailing in the air.

"Oh well, that concludes my guide on Chocobo racing. Until next time amigos!"

Joe and his black Chocobo ride off into the night, while Boko goes after his owner Cloud to see if he has any more yummy greens.

FIN

Please review and keep watch for the final story: How To Breed A Chocobo: A Chocobo Handler's Guide, as this collection is constantly updated until its completion!