Stupid Love

Chapter Two

Pairing: Hijack

Word Count: 2500

Warnings: More language, alcohol use, really corny pick-up lines

I don't own any Dreamworks Animation characters.

Hiccup strolled right up to the bar, hands folded at his back, eyes on the white-haired jerk that was nothing more than the key to his best friend's perfect ride at that very moment. The displeased redhead was scowling at the guy as he continued to blabber on about something that clearly disinterested her. Hiccup walked up, standing on the opposite side of his target.

"And I just gotta say, herpes is a deal breaker for me, so-"

Split-second later, there was a cocktail splashing in his bleached mop of hair, and Hiccup stepped back as he chuckled at the idiot's misfortune.

"Maybe you just shouldn't say anything," he laughed, and the guy turned and glared back at him, the redhead smiling as she jumped down from her stool and winking at Hiccup as she walked away.

"And who are you supposed to be, smart guy?"

Hiccup rolled his eyes,

"Doesn't matter," he told him. "You should probably get out of here. Hide your shame and all, you know?"

A slow blink led to the jerk shaking his head, the cocktail now sprinkling everyone within four feet of the guy. He stopped, laughed, and then held out his hand to Hiccup.

"I'm Jack. You must be good at this. Wanna be my wingman?"

Hiccup looked behind him, as if to check that he was the one being addressed, then glanced back at Jack.

"S-seriously? Did you not just-"

He groaned, trying to stay calm, and started over,

"No. What the heck makes you think I'd be your wingman?"

Jack smirked, leaning back on the stool.

"Well, you seem to want me outta here..."

"Apparently, I'm not alone in that," Hiccup scoffed.

Jack's smirk faltered a moment before he continued,

"...so, why don't we make a deal?"

Hiccup didn't resist promptly rolling his eyes.

"What?" He spitefully asked after Jack paused and smirked at him.

"How about...I'll skedaddle out of here if you help me find a sweet ass to bring home with me?"

"How about no?" Hiccup glared.

Jack laughed,

"Ah, come on! You're funny! You can stand there, be my wingman, help me out. It won't take more than a minute if we work together!"

Hiccup continued to glare as Jack placed a hand on his shoulder. he instantly shifted away. Jack grabbed his shoulder firmly, continuing his incredibly stupid idea,

"You tell a joke, I go in for the kill. Hook, line, sinker, and then I ride off with my prize. What do you say?"

"...no," Hiccup told him blandly. Jack glanced at his drink and let his hand return to his side before trying again.

"Well, at least help me get a phone number, or something?"

"No."

Jack sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"You have to work with me a little here!" He remarked irritably.

Hiccup crossed his arms,

"I don't have to do anything."

Jack looked back at him, and then stood up. He smirked right at Hiccup.

"I guess I could just stick around. You know, just to piss you off."

Hiccup groaned and shoved his face into his hands.

"Ugh...fine. Fine."

He looked back over at the smug asshole,

"One phone number, and then you leave."

Jack grinned widely,

"Yes! This is gonna be great! Come on!"

Then he pulled Hiccup from his spot and they took off across the way from the bar.

Hiccup grimaced, not entirely sure what he'd just gotten himself into.

It should have dawned on Hiccup before they even started this pointless excursion that this moron couldn't get a phone number from a girl if his life depended on it. They were currently sitting at a high table, Jack rubbing his shin after receiving the fourth kick to it in the past hour. If those girls would only aim a little higher, Hiccup would have at least been a bit entertained.

"Has it really been an hour?" Hiccup grumbled, checking his watch. He glanced across the bar, looking for Astrid. The gang was still hanging around, but they were bound to leave soon.

"Why are you so impatient?" Jack laughed at him over his shoulder, pulling down his pant leg. "You're supposed to have fun!"

"I just want to get out of here," Hiccup glanced at the door, "and into that amazing hot rod in the parking lot."

"You got a car?" Jack inquired. Hiccup turned back to him.

"It's my friend's," he corrected. "I get to take it home if I get you to leave."

Jack smirked, as though Hiccup had just told a joke.

"Ah, you like makin' bets, then?" he laughed. Hiccup frowned, confused.

"What? No, why do you-"

Jack eyed him for a moment, before quickly changing the subject back to its last topic.

"What kind of car is it?"

Hiccup glanced back towards the door, smiling.

"'84 Camaro," he replied. "With a fastback spoiler and brand new chrome rims. I helped her put together most of it myself."

"Ooh," Jack reached up, putting his hands behind his head, "you like them classies, huh? I'm more of an imported perfection man myself."

Hiccup eyed him oddly.

"What?" he asked, confused.

"Italian, man," Jack grinned triumphantly. "Italian goddess. What, you didn't see it when you came in?"

Hiccup rolled his eyes.

"Considering I was dragged here against my will and all I could see was my impending doom as I entered this pathetic excuse for an establishment, it's probably safe to say that no, I did not."

"You got one hell of a mouth, you know that?" Jack laughed, looking down at his emptied glass.

"What?" Hiccup picked up his glass, taking a sip of the water. Jack leaned forward with a smile.

"You heard me."

Hiccup groaned,

"Yes, but your stupidity makes it difficult to-"

Jack held up a hand to stop him. He smiled as he explained,

"You're a sarcastic asshole, Hiccup. That is what I'm saying."

Hiccup blinked, not really expecting that.

"Oh," he said lamely. "Well, I knew that."

Jack leaned back in his chair, resting his cheek in his hand, smirk ever present on his face.

"Are you sure about that?" He teased, "'Cause you look like someone just slapped you in the face."

Hiccup shot him a look, communicating that he was clearly not amused. Jack snickered a moment before jolting up his seat.

"Oh, my God! That's it!" He shouted, slamming his hands down on the table.

Hiccup sat back, cautiously asking,

"Uhh, what's it?"

Jack scooted forward, motioning to himself.

"Slap me!" He exclaimed.

Hiccup stared at Jack quizzically.

"While I would most certainly enjoy that right now," he smarted, "may I at least ask why?"

"My new plan," Jack promptly responded, pointing a quick finger across the way. "See those girls? 3 o'clock; big knockers? They have a perfect view of us over here."

Hiccup glanced back, noticing a pair of girls, sitting in a booth seat only a few yards away. He took another sip of his water, already bored with Jack's next plan. Jack smirked,

"Now, you pretend to be my boyfriend, and-"

Hiccup spit his water out in Jack's face.

"WHAT?!"

Jack wiped his face with his sleeve, trying not to be disgusted.

"Wait until my signal," he urged him. "You're doin' great, but we gotta pretend to actually like each other first-"

"What the ever-loving FUCK are you talking about?!" Hiccup gritted his teeth. He pushed the water glass away from him, trying hard not to cough on the bits that had gone down his windpipe.

Jack rolled his eyes, replying,

"Well, I was getting to that, but you kept interruptin', ya asswipe!"

Hiccup leaned back in his chair as far as possible, motioning for Jack to continue.

"Now, you're gonna pretend to be my boyfriend, and then you're gonna break up with me-"

"Can't imagine why," Hiccup added.

"Would ya quit it?" Jack remarked, finally shooting Hiccup a glare. He breathed out his nose and continued,

"And...then you're gonna yell, slap me silly, and then storm away."

Hiccup watched as Jack glanced back over at the girls. Sighing, he told him,

"Like I said, armed and willing," Hiccup held up a hand. "But how is that gonna attract anyone?"

Jack turned back to him, still smiling.

"Those girls will witness it, and they'll feel sorry for little ol' me," he held a hand to his chest. "And they'll come on over and comfort me. See what I'm saying?"

Hiccup shook his head.

"But they'll think you're gay," he reminded him. Jack rolled his eyes, instantly replying,

"I'm bisexual."

Hiccup felt his stomach drop. Not only was he a threat to women, but men, as well.

"In real life," he asked, "or in, like, just this pretend scenario...thing?"

Jack cocked an eyebrow.

"Uhh, both?" he answered. "I dunno. Just keep talking. But make it louder. Angrier."

Hiccup licked his lips. He wanted angry?

"I don't understand where this idea even sprouted from!" he glared. Jack shook his head.

"Do you want me to leave or not?" he smirked. Hiccup frowned.

"Gods, yes," he told him bluntly.

"Then YELL. AT. ME."

Hiccup leaned back, unsure of Jack's determined look. He was this desperate for a woman to notice him? This guy had major issues...

He took a deep breath, trying again.

"Okay, FINE!" he blurted out. "Is that what you want?!"

Jack sat up, feigning a frown.

"Ooh, nice acting," he told him. "You do this often?"

Hiccup glared at him, raising his voice again.

"No, I don't do- AGH! SHUT UP!"

Jack nodded.

"You are a fuckin' natural," he whispered. Hiccup growled,

"YOU-" he sighed, slumping back in his chair. "I can't do this..."

Jack scowled at him, annoyed.

"No, come on! You were doin' great!" he whined.

"What? No, I wasn't," Hiccup grumbled. He eyed his water before Jack leaned on his elbows on the table.

"Do I have to make you mad? Is that what it'll take? 'Cause I'll do it!" Jack warned, a serious look on his face. Hiccup folded his arms across his chest.

"You annoy me too much to piss me off," Hiccup remarked. "If anything, I feel sorry for you."

Jack frowned.

"Well, that's no good. The ladies are gonna have that covered." Jack looked back and then smiled. "They just glanced over!"

Hiccup groaned, jerking his head back to stare at the ceiling.

"This is going to take forever," he complained.

"Shut up," Jack barked, and then reached up to rub his chin thoughtfully. "Now, let me see... I already called you an asshole..."

Hiccup didn't react.

"Twice, I think," he replied blandly. Jack eyed Hiccup,

"Well...you're...uhh..."

Hiccup looked back down, rolling his shoulder as Jack continued to eye him strangely, looking as though his brain was being turned on for the first time in years.

"Hmm," Jack frowned, letting his hand fall back to the table.

Hiccup raised an eyebrow, asking,

"Are you serious? You can't even insult me?"

"Gimme a sec," Jack started, narrowing his eyes. Hiccup sighed irritably.

"Why don't you just treat me like the women you're always trying to pick up? They sure seem insulted enough..." Hiccup smarted, glancing over at the girls in the booth seat again.

"Good idea!" Jack smiled, laughing. Hiccup turned back to Jack, confused.

"I wasn't seri-"

"I always use my amazing pick-up lines," Jack grinned. He leaned forward, smirking. "I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you."

Hiccup froze, staring incredulously at the moron wiggling his eyebrows in front of him. Jack stopped, frowning a moment.

"Nothing?" he asked, "Well, how about this one: there isn't a word in the dictionary for how good you look."

Again, the wiggling eyebrows.

Hiccup gaped, hesitantly asking,

"...do you...seriously talk like that?"

"This one always works like a charm: if being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged."

Hiccup felt his eye twitch.

"I think I'm gonna be sick."

A high-pitched giggle from a girl walking by broke Jack from his ridiculous expressions to stare unabashedly as her ass.

"The plan's working," he said, watching as the girl made her way to the bar. Hiccup shook himself from his daze, immediately remarking,

"No. No, it's not. You should really just-"

Jack eyed him again, smirking as he ran off another line.

"Are you from Tennessee, 'cause you're the only ten I see."

Hiccup ran a hand down his face, misery finally setting in.

"Please, stop," he pleaded.

"I got hundreds of 'em," Jack smiled, leaning back again.

Hiccup scoffed,

"And how many actually work?"

Jack's smile faltered,

"Uhh..."

Hiccup laughed,

"That's what I thought."

Jack grumbled, glaring at Hiccup.

"They'll work eventually!" he defended.

Hiccup sat forward, a serious stare aimed in Jack's direction.

"No," he told him, "they won't. Women-no, everybody hates that crap. You should just-"

Hiccup paused, and Jack piped up,

"...what?"

Hiccup sighed,

"I was gonna say be yourself, but that's probably worse."

Jack frowned, pouting,

"Harsh, man."

Hiccup sat back again, waving him off.

"I'm just being honest," he said.

Jack's eyes narrowed, and he leaned forward.

"No, you're being a jerk. But you know what?" He leaned back and glanced back at the bar. "I don't care!"

Hiccup smirked,

"I'm well aware of that by now."

Jack stared down at his empty glass and then turned back to Hiccup with a knowing look.

"You know what you need?" He started, "A drink."

Hiccup choked out a laugh,

"Yeah, no, I don't."

Jack held up his glass and shouted over to the bar,

"Hey! Get me another one of these over here!"

Hiccup frowned.

"Seriously, I don't."

Jack laughed and a woman walked over with a full glass of bourbon.

"You're legal, aren't ya?" He asked, smirking as he took the glass from the tray and placed it in front of Hiccup.

"Well," Hiccup grimaced, "yeah...but-"

"Then, drink up!" Jack grinned, sitting back.

Hiccup sighed, pushing the glass away, simply replying,

"I'll pass."

Jack groaned, taking the drink from him and downing half of it.

"Ah, come on!" He whined. "Why are you even here?"

Hiccup glared,

"I told you, I was dragged here."

Jack laughed,

"You, sir," he pointed at Hiccup before downing the second half of his glass, "need to learn how to have fun!"

Hiccup rolled his eyes, remarking,

"My idea of fun involves nothing that can be found in this building. The parking lot, maybe, but-"

Jack gasped loudly, and for the second time, he jumped up, shouting,

"That's it!"

Hiccup, again, eyed him incredulously.

"Wha..?" He tried, but Jack dropped from the chair, exclaiming,

"My Baby Tooth! I'll show ya my car!"

Hiccup moved away as Jack grabbed his arm to pull him down.

"Ah, no, I-"

His feet hit the floor and Jack started towards the door.

"Come on!" He told him excitedly. "You'll love it!"

Hiccup sighed as he diligently followed him to the parking lot.

"I'm gonna regret this; I just know it..."