"Whaddya mean he's gone for a walk?" demanded Harley.
"Just what I said," replied Crane. "He said he had some things to think about and needed to clear his head."
"Mr. J don't ever have a clear head!" snapped Harley. "That's not like him at all, to just suddenly want to be alone! He always loves an audience! Something's really wrong – what happened at the meeting?"
"Nothing," replied Crane. "Luthor had some plot which he wanted us involved in, and we both refused him. He insulted our reputations and then we left."
"Well, that doesn't sound like anything that could have upset him," said Harley. "But he really needs to be here – I'm not hosting this party by myself!"
"Mommy, where's Daddy?" asked Arleen, entering the room.
"He's still out, honey – just go back to your Aunt Emilia," said Harley.
"But he told me he'd help me practice jumping," protested Arleen.
"And he told me he'd help with the party, the slimy rat," muttered Harley. "Guess we're both disappointed. I mean…" she said, noticing Arleen's tearful look. "I'm sure he'll be home soon, sweetie. Why don't you go play with the Crane babies instead?"
"They can't help me jump," said Arleen. "They can barely move around."
"My daughters have excellent motor skills for their age," snapped Crane. "Which is more than I can say for myself at the present time," he added, wincing again.
"How did you throw out your back?" asked Harley.
"I would prefer not to discuss it," retorted Crane. "It's a private matter."
"Oh. Emilia wanted things to be a little more acrobatic in the bedroom, huh?" asked Harley, as she followed her daughter back into the living room where Emilia, her children, and J.J. sat.
"It wasn't my idea to make things more acrobatic," said Emilia, lightly.
"No, it was mine," snapped Crane. "And I've learned my lesson about experimentation, believe me."
"I'm not against it in all respects," replied Emilia, grinning. "But I did tell you this particular experimentation was a bad idea. You need to realize that you're not as young as you used to be, and can't twist and contort your body into certain shapes or positions…"
"Yes, thank you, my dear," snapped Crane. "That's more than Harley needs to know, and there are children present."
"You should think up a code, like Mr. J and me," said Harley. "You know, like when we talk about dunking the clown or getting the whoopie cushion, except that's not really a code since we really do use a whoopie cushion…for hugging," she added, noticing her children staring at her curiously.
"Do grown-ups do a lot of hugging?" asked J.J., puzzled. "I haven't noticed."
"Not as often as you'd like if you're with Mr. J," muttered Harley. "He can store up his desire for hugs for months."
The doorbell rang suddenly. "That had better be Mr. J and not a party guest," said Harley, glancing at the clock. "They're early."
"Better than being late for a very important date," commented Jervis Tetch, as Harley opened the door to reveal him and his adopted daughter Alice. "Anyway, we thought there'd be more traffic with the snow."
"Oooh, snow!" exclaimed Arleen, rushing to the window with her brother following her. "Daddy shouldn't be out in that without us! He doesn't have anybody to have a snowball fight with!"
"Knowing your father, he'll find someone," sighed Harley. "C'mon in, Jervis. Merry Christmas to you and Alice. Have you been a good girl this year so you'll get lots of presents from Santa Claus?" she asked.
"I am always a good girl," retorted Alice. "As a proper young lady should be. And my Uncle Jervis will be giving me presents, not some fictitious character."
"…really? She doesn't believe in Santa Claus?" asked Harley, slowly.
"I respect my dear Alice's intelligence far too much to lie to her about such things," retorted Tetch. "She asked for the truth, so I told it to her. Anyway, it's never too early to be able to distinguish fiction from reality."
Harley stared at him. "You're spouting that?" she asked. "Really?"
"What truth?" asked Arleen. "Why doesn't Alice believe in Santa Claus?"
"Because…they don't believe in him in England," invented Harley, quickly. "And Uncle Jervis being English would naturally have influenced her with his beliefs."
"So English children don't get presents at Christmas?" asked J.J. "Man, I'd riot."
"Yeah, but they're weird there," said Harley. "They drive on the wrong side of the road and everything."
"You must have had a really depressing childhood, Uncle Jervis," said J.J. "What's the point of Christmas without presents?"
"Oh, peace on earth, goodwill toward men, that sort of thing," said Tetch.
J.J. made a face. "That ain't better than presents."
"I can see you've been listening to your father again," said Tetch. "Speaking of which, where is he?"
"He's…uh…out," said Harley. "Here, lemme get you a drink…" she said, trying to change the subject.
The doorbell rang again. "That could be him now!" exclaimed Harley, beaming as she opened the door. Her face fell when she saw that it wasn't the Joker.
"Red, you're early," she said, opening the door to reveal Poison Ivy.
"But I can see I'm far from the first one here," commented Ivy, looking around. "Harvey and I were in the neighborhood and we thought you wouldn't mind…"
"Harvey?" said Harley, surprised to see Two-Face following Ivy inside. "Are you two back together again?"
"No," they both said, hastily. "No, no, just…two friends hanging out," said Ivy. "Doing…friend stuff."
"Hi, Aunt Ivy," said J.J., beaming at her. "I got you a present for Christmas."
He scurried off to his room and returned with a crayon drawing. "It's a flower for you," he said, handing her the paper.
"Why, J.J., that's so thoughtful," said Ivy, smiling at him. "Thank you so much, sweetie," she said, kissing his cheek.
J.J. giggled, blushing. "Aw, I think somebody's got a crush on you, Red," said Harley, ruffling her son's hair.
"I do not!" he snapped.
"J.J. and Ivy sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" sang Arleen, laughing.
"Cut it out!" snapped J.J. "Aunt Ivy's with Uncle Two-Face, everybody knows that!"
"Except them," sighed Harley.
"Where's J?" asked Two-Face, looking around.
"Yes, where is the pathetic excuse for a man?" asked Ivy. "Don't tell me he's abandoned you at Christmas! I always knew he was no good, Harley, I did try to tell you…"
"He hasn't abandoned me!" snapped Harley. "He's just…out for a walk. In the snow. Helps him think about…y'know…supervillain things. Anyway, you're all early. Mr. J will be back in plenty of time for the party, you'll see," she said, heading into the kitchen to fetch drinks.
"Yeah, you'll see," she muttered, her smile falling. "Or he won't be smiling until this time next year. I'll see to it."